Reality is for those who lack imagination!

Becky on the Phone

2009-08-06T10:10:00.001-06:00

Just for fun

Camping Trip

2009-08-06T09:54:00.006-06:00

Becky, Ty, Josh and I went camping to Devils Lake, WI on Sunday through Tuesday. It was a fun camping trip with some time spent playing ladder ball, hiking around the lake, swimming, and just all out relaxing. I miss being able to camp every other weekend or so like I used to when I was in high school.

We had a great campfire going. I wanted to get a good photo, but was a little worried about getting the camera too close to the flames. I took the other photos on our hike around the lake. It was a beautiful day, but by the end of the hike I was done. I am not in as good a shape as I once was.

Random images

2009-08-01T22:05:00.003-06:00

It has been a few days since I've posted some photos. I missed one day, but I'll try to make that up sometime in the next few days.
I am married to the most amazing woman. She is packing for our camping trip tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday. Me, I'm taking photos of a trash can with a shiny lid.

Another proof that I'm married to the most amazing woman. We made homemade pizza on Friday night. It was wonderful, though try as I might, I just can't throw pizza dough.

An evening prayer study

2009-07-29T20:19:00.003-06:00

Becky and I hosted our prayer study group tonight. It has been a lot of fun team teaching this group, though it has been a bit of an eye opener on how well we would do working in the same church. I'm not saying that it wouldn't work, but adjustments would have to be made. Our styles are more different than either of us anticipated.
As always one of the best parts of any church study is snacks. These cookies were delicious, but I plead the fifth on how many I ate.
I was also wondering how many bibles might be owned by two pastors fresh from seminary. I came up with the answer of eighteen and took a photo. We have more bibles then this however, as some are duplicated, and I pulled the duplicates out of the photo.

Baseballs

2009-07-27T21:20:00.004-06:00

I was lazy today, and really didn't leave the house except to go to the grocery store. I'm sure I could have taken some fun photos there, but it's more fun to just pull some things together that I have around the house instead.
I love baseball, and most of these are balls that I caught during batting practice at Coors Field. I miss going to baseball games. It's not to say that I can't go to a Cubs or Sox game now, but Cubs tickets are really not that affordable, and the Sox....well they are the Sox. The first year the Rockies played at Coors however, my friends and I went fourteen times that summer. That was one of the best summers of my life. There is something somewhat life-giving when you venture out to the ball park.

A weekend in Iowa

2009-07-26T23:22:00.003-06:00

We went to two great worship services this weekend, and Becky didn't even have to preach. On Saturday we got to attend the ordination of our friend Elissa. It was a beautiful service at her home church, and I don't think I have ever seen her as excited as she was. We then drove that evening to Indianola, Iowa where we stood up as sponsers at the baptism of a good friends daughter. It was very special to be asked to be Godparents. We then went to a birthday party for both of our friends daughters. It was a fun weekend. Here is a photo from the birthday party, and another one from just walking around town.

An afternoon of prayer.

2009-07-24T15:20:00.002-06:00

Becky and I went up to a Catholic retreat and prayer center this afternoon to check out thier Labyrinth. We want to take our prayer class on a field trip there later this summer. It was a beautiful day; nice and sunny. Here is a photo of part of a fountain near the Labyrinth.

Natures Textures.

2009-07-23T17:32:00.002-06:00

I have been trying to take and post a photo everyday. While I missed the 22nd, I had some fun today just exploring a variety of different textures. It was fun.

Seperation of Church and State?

2009-07-23T16:16:00.006-06:00

Taking a walk the other day, I was struck by just how many people have American flags flying in front of their homes in Manhattan (IL). Small towns really do have a different feel then most of the cities that I have lived in during my life. There have always been plenty of flags around, no matter where I have lived, but on a walk here, I think I counted about eight to ten flags just standing still in the middle of an intersection.

Since Independance Day, I have been doing a lot of reading about the American Revolution, and the beginning days of our government. I have read biographies of George Washington, John Adams, and am now starting on Thomas Jefferson. My goal is to eventually get a hard look at American history through the eyes of each of our presidents. I want to know which ones I thought were good, and which ones were bad based on my own opinion instead of that gleaned from somebody else's list.

One thing that I realize as I read, is that the old saying still stands true. "The more things change, the more they stay the same." We complain every election year how dirty and mean spirited political campaigns get. We get mad over what we consider to be personal attacks on our favorite candidate. I have often heard people wish for things to be done the way they used to be done. As I read however, I see just how mean spirited even the first campaigns were. There were vicious attacks made on candidates from the very beginning. Mudslingers today in fact could probably learn a great deal by looking at the mudslingers of yesteryear.

I was drawn the other day to take photos of some of my neighbor’s flags as I was reflecting on the topic of patriotism and church. I guess I would consider myself patriotic in the sense that I am proud of the country that I live in. I have a feeling that many people would not consider me overly patriotic however. Since coming to seminary and visiting many small town congregations I have also been struck by how many church sanctuaries have American flags in them. I grew up in a congregation that didn't have a flag, and to be honest I have been somewhat uncomfortable worshiping in congregations that do have American flags present. I think my first exposure to patriotism in a church happened on a mission trip I participated in the summer before my first year of seminary. We were assisting a congregation in Port Arthur, TX with bible school every evening, and I was surprised when at the beginning of every day the kids did the Pledge of Allegiance. The kids also gave a pledge to God as they faced the Christian Flag as well to be fair, but it bothered me that the first pledge given in a Bible school would be given to a nation. Throughout history, I think that many people have internalized the idea of manifest destiny into their Christian faith. They have come to believe that as Americans we are more divinely blessed then those of other countries. I think this has been seen a great deal in recent history in our politics where it has been suggested that if one is Christian they must vote certain ways in political elections. Combine American flags in our congregations with implicit views that Christians must vote certain ways, and many in our nation with opposite views have come to believe that they are not welcome in our congregations or in our faith.

I guess I struggle with great amounts of patriotic banter and paraphernalia because I have seen them used so often as a weapon, as opposed to an expression of celebration. I guess I struggle with American flags in sanctuaries, because I have faith in a God that is much bigger and more expansive then this country that I live in, regardless of how thankful I am to live here. I do feel blessed to live in the United States, but I don't know that I am more blessed then people in other countries. In fact sometimes I wonder if I am actually blessed less so. I see in the United States we are progressively becoming a "post-Christian" nation. (That is if we can ever say we were ever a truly Christian nation. It's interesting to note that both Washington and Jefferson were more Deists in their beliefs then Christian.) The same is true in Europe. Denominations are shrinking in the US, congregations are dying, and people are searching and not finding answers. On the other hand, in Africa, Asia, and South America, Christianity is on the rise. As we look at scripture, we see that Jesus taught people of all nations and all races. We see that Jesus crossed national boundaries, spoke of a God that ruled over both Jews and Gentiles. We also see that he sp0ke of living a simple life, focused on worshiping the Lord over all other things. I sometimes wonder if as Americans we have forgotten these lessons. I sometimes wonder if maybe those in other nations “less blessed” then ours, have been able to find God in their simple lifestyles, free from the clutter of American luxury.

I am proud of my country. I am proud of my brother, and my father. I’m proud of my grandfather, and my uncle. I am proud of many of my friends. All serve, or have served in our armed forces. I proud of my family who taught be to value the blessings of living in our country, and also taught me my faith. I just wonder sometimes if we as Christians try too hard to combine our faith and our nation to the ultimate detriment to our faith?

Fun on the Rails

2009-07-20T16:13:00.002-06:00

I have always enjoyed railroads. Some of my best memories involve this most iconic method of travel. That is not to say that they involve riding the train, in fact I have rarely ever been on one. I do have memories of walking along the tracks of Loveland in my youth, on more then one occasion being forced off the tracks while trains rolled by. It's amazing to stand in the weeds off to the side of the tracks as you feel the raw power of each car roll by. Probably my love of trains started when I was in elementary school and had a model train set. I often think that I would love to find a place to set it up again. Maybe it's not a true train memory, but I also remember riding the kiddie train around the park in Loveland on the last day of school each year. We probably looked like jerks, a bunch of high school kids riding on the kids train, but it was fun being a kid again on the last day of school, free for the summer. I even now enjoy listening to the train whistles as they roll through town. It's a pleasant noise to me. I took this photo today a few blocks from our house. Becky is gone today, but the weather was beautiful!

A nice evening.

2009-07-19T19:59:00.002-06:00

As often as I poke fun at small town life, there is something about it that can grow on you. Becky is gone for the next couple of days on a mission trip required for her ordination. That left me to run the shop here (ie, go play a movie for movie night). Walking home tonight was nice. We only live a block from the church, but it was the perfect summer evening. There was a slight breeze, perfect temperatere, and accross the street a guy was playing his guitar on the front porch. I grabbed my camera and decided to photograph a white wooden archway in front of a house on the corner. I liked this photo, but think it may have been better in the sunlight.

Go Cubbies!!!

2009-07-18T20:29:00.003-06:00

Becky and I took a walk today looking for some photographic inspiration. This manhole cover caught my attention. While I think most of my friends will see some poetic justice in this, I still say...Hey this could be their year!!!

Simplicity

2009-07-17T19:35:00.004-06:00

I took a walk today. I have been feeling a little lost lately and I felt the need to find some simplicity that only taking photo's can do for me. I don't claim to be a great photographer, but looking through the lens forces one to simplify. Instead of looking at the entirety of the world around me, I'm forced to instead look at a solitary subject and imagine it only from within the world of the viewfinder.

I find that writing can do that for me as well. It's easy to get lost in all the worries and concerns of my head. But in putting thoughts down on paper (ok not paper), I am forced to simplify. I have felt over-burdened lately in my search for a church. The interviews I have had were good, but circumstances were not right. I'm thinking about finding a non-ministry job for the time being, but that is not a joyful proposition for me. I know that things will work themselves out, but I'm feeling impatient and boxed in as I hang around the house. I am developing bad habits of staying up all night, and sleeping in late everyday. I'm also feeling guilty because I'm not contributing to our income. I know that Becky doesn't mind, but I guess I do.

I miss living in a simpler time. I think that is why I ended up at the baseball field. There is something about a ball park that always makes me feel at home. It doesn't matter if it a Major League Park like Coors Field or Wrigley Field. It doesn't matter if it is a battered and beat up field, filled with weeds, at the local elementary school. There is something inherent in the familiar surroundings that helps put life into perspective. I was never a good player, and certainly don't follow it as well as many of my friends. It seems odd that this would be such a familiar place, but it is. I think it speaks to tradition, and friends, cold beer and hot dogs. It speaks to good times, and heartache. Baseball is as good a metaphor for the human condition as anything. In some ways it is one of the most complex games in the world, certainly one of the most cerebral. Yet in others ways baseball is simplicity itself. It's this I think that drew me today to the park. Simplicity amongst complexity. A place of peace in the midst of turmoil.

A lament on trust

2008-11-14T22:45:00.004-06:00

I remember taking an inventory a few years back for a class on the gifts of the spirit as to what my spiritual gifts were. At the time I was suprised that my number one gift according to the inventory was the gift of faith. I never thought of faith at the time as being a gift from God. Looking back at my life, I see that this is true...Maybe.
I have always had a deep and abiding belief in God. There have been times in my life when people have asked how long I have believed in God, and the truth is that I have always believed in God. I was raised to believe in God, and that belief has only grown deeper and deeper from both my study and personal experiences of life. Both my ex-wife and an ex-girlfriend asked at one point when I was saved. They were both from Baptist backgrounds and wanted to know when I accepted God as my Lord and Savior...when did I say "the prayer;" when was I saved? The best answer to that came from my seminary friend Andrew. "I was saved about 3:00 in the afternoon...some 2000 years ago." I believe in God; I believe he is my creater, and that in Christ I am saved. I have faith...or do I.
My struggle these past weeks have not centered on belief in God...but in trust in God. I trust in grace; I trust in God's love. I don't however seem to trust enough to put all my trust in God when it comes to my life here and now. I worry about my life. I worry that I am not good enough sometimes. God deserves better. I don't put enough trust in God to do things that I think are important. I don't tithe. I don't live my life free from worry. I don't always live a life that is worthy of the one who died on a cross for me. I also take this worry about not being good enough and transfer it to the one person I love most here on earth. I am getting ready to marry the most amazing woman that I have ever met, and I worry that I am not good enough for her. She is the most non-judgemental person I have ever met, and I know that she loves me for whom I am, but I worry. She deserves better. I don't ever want my past mistakes to affect our wonderful relationship.
And so I wallow in guilt and shame from time to time, putting as much faith and trust in Grace, knowing that only in Christ do I escape bondage to these feelings. I know that I am loved. I know that I am cared for. I don't deserve God's love; I don't deserve Becky's love, but they both love me deeply. I can't think of any greater proof for Grace then that.

Control?

2008-11-09T22:13:00.004-06:00

I wonder sometimes how much of a control freak I am. I am easy going, laid back, and very non-confrontational...but I also think that I have some natural leadership skills, and therefore often find myself in at least partial control of every situation. Most of the time, I feel as if I'm in complete control of my life. I know where I'm going, and I know how to get there. It's all a matter of sticking to the road in front of me. It's ok to stop at a few rest stops and gas stations along the way, just as long as I don't veer too far off the highway of life. I won't get lost. I'm in control.
Lately however I'm starting to feel that my life is in control of me. I wonder where I lost some of that control; how I detoured off that nice straight road of life, and ended up somewhere else. A lot has changed in the last few months. For starters being engaged has changed my life considerably. A year ago my path was laid out for me; graduate and find a call anywhere in the country. Now my future career options are a lot more limited, at least for short term. I also feel like I am out of control in my schooling. I feel more buried then I have ever been at any one time in seminary, and yet I can't seem to motivate myself to get started; to get moving. Senioritis has taken hold, and all I can do is hold on until graduation. The last way I am feeling out of control is in the issue of finances. I have terrible credit. I don't own a credit card. These are both my fault, but it makes living on a student’s budget difficult at times. When I run out of money for the semester, I run out. I don't think I have done a good job budgeting this semester out. I doesn't help that I bought a ring this summer, and that my car has been to the shop three times this fall, but I am running out of money quickly. I have not had to borrow money since school started from parents, but I'm afraid that I may have to do that very soon. This would not normally be a huge deal, but again it takes me and puts me out of control.
The last time I felt this way, I think was probably a few years ago. I had just found out I was loosing my job with Group Publishing. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, and began contemplating this path to seminary. I found that journaling helped a great deal during this time to help me begin to sort out the feelings I was having, and to lead me down the right path. Journaling online on this blog began to almost be a prayer exercise, as I tried to figure out God's plan for me.
I don't think I ever realized that journaling was/could be a prayer exercise until recently with a class on prayer I'm taking. I want to rediscover the love of journaling that I one had. I want to help sort through all of the emotions that I am going through now with marriage and graduation (both things I'm very excited for) on the radar. I want to rediscover a degree of control over my life. Maybe this means I do not trust God enough...what does it mean to trust God that much? So many questions, but I guess those are for another night. For now it's just a prayer that God will continue to walk with me, and that in this form of online prayer I will begin to see answers again in this new and exciting season.

Flood Relief

2008-07-20T15:26:00.020-06:00

On Saturday a group of about 25 from Marion First Pres went into Cedar Rapids to help out with the flood relief. My camera batteries ran out early (which probably saved my camera) but here are some of the snapshots I managed to take.
This was my first real trip into the heart of the flood. It's weird to be right in the middle of what was a bustling city neighborhood only a month or so ago, and now see it completely barren and empty, with the exception of a few houses who have volunteer groups working on them, and the occasional Salvation Army food truck driving by to feed volunteers.

I added a red line on the photo to show where the water line on the house we worked on was. Well above my reach, and I'm 6'3".

We weren't the only people doing flood relief this week. A Methodist Church youth group from Berthod (near my home town) stayed at our church all week. One great thing about disasters is the denomonational structure in this country breaks down, and we get to become The Church.

Speed Limit 20

2008-07-13T19:45:00.002-06:00

I love watching for different shapes and patterns in everyday life and like to experiment with how they might look in a photo. Much of the time, I don't get images that I care for, but sometimes I take something that speaks to me. It may not look good to others, but that is the beauty of art.
I took this photo of a beat up parking lot after visiting a gentleman from the church who is in hospice care. I have only visited him and his family a few times, but they already have a special place in my heart. The man has MS and can not comunicate very well, but I don't think I will ever forget my second visit with him, when he managed to speak the words I love you out when I left. I often times think that we pictures our lives as a journey on the freeway with all the wonderful sights and sounds wizzing by us as we drive on by. Sometimes in life however the road looks a lot more like this, as we are forced to slow down, endure the jolts and bumps of the road, and trust in God to help us figure out how to put all the pieces back together.

I took this photo on the very same day in the flower garden of the people's house I'm living at this summer. Often times we get to see the greatest beauty in life, when we are forced to slow down.

Shining Some Light on the Trinity

2008-07-09T21:58:00.009-06:00

Sitting in theology and history classes over the past two years have really began to give me a deep appreciation for our Trinitarian beliefs; Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. In fact I don't think there are many classes that haven't help develop this deep and profound respect for this, the fundamental building block of our Christian faith. It's only through understanding the Trinity that we can even begin to understand the statement that, "God is love" and to understand the communal aspect of our religion. Wars have been fought over this one issue, and yet I feel that we are losing touch with these Trinitarian beliefs in our secular world. I see less and less of the Trinity, even in our Sunday worship anymore.
This photo was taken of some stained glass windows in First Presbyterian Church in Marion, where I am working for the summer. I love going into our chapel in the late afternoon with the lights off, and the sun shining into the windows of the dark room. It's an amazing effect. It also amazes me how something we often think of as plain looking on the surface, can be so beautiful when you shine some light on it in the dark.....and that was much deeper then I originally intended.....

Stopped in my tracks

2008-07-08T00:18:00.007-06:00

I have hit a bit of a snag in my quest to post photographs each day for my personal photo project. It seems that when you have an old camera, and lose your USB cord, then you can't load your photos on your computer. It will cost me over twenty dollars apparently to replace the cord, which has me thinking about just replacing the camera, for a much newer one.

I have been taking photos however. I stole Becky's camera this weekend in an attempt to give her something to remember her first two church's as she gets ready to be reassigned to a new one. I'm bummed out that she will be moving even further away, but I'm real exicted for all the potential this new ministry has for her. Like all things I guess we take the good with the bad. Here are a few of my favorite photos from this weekend.

A photo project

2008-07-02T16:51:00.005-06:00

It's amazing how much being in school can make one tired of writing. I love to journal/blog as I explore my thoughts and reflect on the world around me, but I have found that with other writing assignments, I have probably burned out a bit on my writing. To that extent I'm going to try something different for a while, and share my life not through words, but through photos. My goal is to post a new photo everyday (or at least a photo for everyday, I'm sure I'll double up some days), to reveal a little bit of me. My hope is this will inspire some writing as well as help to better develop a photographers eye. I'm doing so with an inexpensive digital camera, so no great big special effects. What you see is what I saw. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then maybe this blog will the equivilant to a set of encyclopedias by the time I'm done!

A Future Preacher?

2008-03-13T17:26:00.002-06:00

I preached my first sermon for my preaching class on Tuesday. I don't have my grade yet, but most of the feedback I received seemed favorable. I still have a lot of room for growth, but I enjoy it. Let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is always welcome.

Late night ramblings

2008-02-18T01:46:00.002-06:00

There was a time when I would jump on my blog and merely relate some of the experiences of the day in a couple of paragraphs. I don't know why I sometimes feel now that I have nothing to write about that is interesting. Some of it I guess is just the feeling that I'm in a bit of a rut. Not all of it is bad, but life seems to just be very routine at times; not enough money or time or even energy for that matter to be overly impractical and spontaneous. I sometimes miss the ability to go to Dave and Busters on a whim and blow a ton on money without thought. I miss the freedom to jump in my car and drive for a few hours in the mountains just for the thrill of doing it. I miss many of my friends who would gladly give up a Sunday afternoon to the camaraderie of sitting in a sports bar all day to watch 6 different games all at the same time. Life changes, and that isn't bad, but I guess I'm feeling a little melancholy tonight and wishing to relive some of my past.
I look at my present however and realize that there are some things I wouldn't want to ever change. My prayer time every evening with Becky has a deep and profound meaning in my life. Gathering friends together to watch a meaningless show like American Gladiators is wonderful. Tonight, remembering how therapeutic it is to write my feelings out....I guess the present isn't so bad.

Interpretive Exercise

2008-02-09T01:38:00.000-06:00

Over 1 million abortions are performed in the United States each year. Over fifty percent of couples who are married in the United States will end up divorced. Violence permeates our culture; Virginia Tech… Columbine High School… Iraq. Natural disasters ravage our land; Hurricane Katrina…Floods…Earthquakes…Tornados. We are left homeless, hungry, humiliated. To top it all off, the church is in decline. Millions are leaving the church each year. “God is Dead?....”

If this is the way it is to be, why do I live?

On Sunday morning I get to see God in the eyes of a newborn baby being baptized. I see a new marriage take place in the church; a promise made that Christ is and will always be present. I see that promise in the face of a couple now married for 50 years. I see the Spirit at work in the faces of people coming together to pray for the families of those touched by violence; people who don’t even know each other hugging, and holding hands. I see the church reaching out in mission to house the homeless, to clothe the cold, and Christ is present in the eyes of the hungry woman who brings her child into the soup kitchen. On Sunday I feel God presence as I eat the bread, and drink the cup; the cross hangs empty on the wall. Why do I live? I live because Christ Lives!

In the Beginning

2008-02-03T14:07:00.000-06:00

Twelve hours…

It is night; the darkness is enhanced by the ominous presence of menacing clouds. The heavy rainfall is proof of their presence, and the steady beat of water as it crashes into trees, ground, and lake, drown out any other noise. Occasionally the scene is illuminated by the flash of lightning, but otherwise all remains dark.

Dawn approaches, and the rain turns to drizzle as the storm front passes. The scene of a wooded lakeshore is revealed in the dazzling red and orange hues of a mountain skies sunrise. As water drips off the leaves of the lush green vegetation and settles on the mossy covered rocks and underbrush below, a mosquito settles onto the, now calm, waters surface. Suddenly it disappears; the shimmering rainbow glinting off a trout’s scales.

Day comes and a doe leads her fawn to the waters edge for a drink. The dampness of the evening has evaporated into the comforting warmth of a summer’s day. In the trees a harmony of music and colors blend into a symphony of songbirds, as high above an eagle soars taking in the show.

As evening comes, a gentle fog rolls over the lake. As the sun sets, the sky shows promise of revealing all its secrets in the blaze of a million starts. In the distance a gentle hoot sounds and an owl glides silently through the quiet night air.

I get to witness it all; God still at work in his creation.

Everyday becoming a brand new “In the Beginning…”

The Iowa Caucus

2008-01-04T16:11:00.002-06:00

One of the things I was the most excited for in coming to Dubuque was the opportunity to participate in the Iowa Caucuses. This is always the first in the nation, and something that gets a lot of attention. One of the things I probably didn't expect was to decide to attend the Democrats caucuses instead of the Republican however. I must admit that I have been won over pretty strongly by Barak Obama this year and I decided to Caucus for him. It was a unique experience for me. The participation for the precinct I live in was pretty good. Because the event was moved up this year, the caucus took place in a smaller middle school cafeteria instead of the occupied gymnasium. It was pretty much standing room only in here, and because they were told classrooms would not be made available, it was decided that some of the caucusing would need to take place in the halls. After a random drawing, the Richardson and Clinton groups were chosen to gather in the hallway outside the cafeteria. I enjoyed the rules of the process in Iowa. The first thing that happened was an initial count of support for each candidate. They needed at least 15% of the 344 people attending to be counted as viable. After the first count only three campaigns were viable according to the rules. This left the supporters of Biden, Richardson, Dodd and others to be wooed by other candidates. After a period in which this happened a second and final vote was taken. In the end Obama won our precinct, with Clinton taking second, and Edwards third. It was a great time.
As far as my decision to support Obama; I made it in spite of my Republican leanings because I find that as a moderate I am probably closer to Obama, a moderate democrat, then I am to any of the very conservative republicans, and I really don't like any of the moderate conservatives in the race. I guess my vote could change, but in seeing a democrat speak regarding faith and politics such as Obama does here (thanks to a friends blog for pointing it out), I find myself growing to like my choice this year more and more.

A Career in Relationships

2007-12-01T00:28:00.000-06:00

I wonder sometimes how to classify myself as a student here in Dubuque. About half of our students tend to be people fresh from college, having known for a while that seminary (and sometimes beyond) was their goal. The other half of our students are what you would describe as second career students. They have spent a great deal of their lives in different fields gaining many life experiences before moving on to seminary. Me, I would probably consider myself a second or third job student. I may have a degree in Business and a past in sales, but I don't know if I ever really had a career before coming to Dubuque.
I have found myself saying a lot lately though that sales and ministry have a great deal in common. Most people think I'm speaking in terms of ministry is a pursuit of selling God to people, but that is not what I mean. Successful salespeople and successful ministers have both learned long ago that what they are really in the business of is making relationships. Neither will ever succeed if they can't comfortably approach somebody, and make them feel comfortable. Sales is about getting to know somebody, and finding out their needs. A bad salesman will try and sell somebody anything they can, but a good salesman will only sell a customer what they need. Much of the time, the customer doesn't even know what they need; they are not experts in what they are purchasing. This customer may love a large leather sofa, but they don't take into account the size of their room, the layout of their house, or the fact that by buying this set they can't remove the cushions like they want to. A bad salesman will still sell them this furniture, but a good salesman will develop a relationship. He or she will find out how they live, what they want to use the furniture for, and where it is going to go. The good salesperson will then find something that really is what the customer needs. This can't happen without a relationship.
Ministry is really the same way. Many people who come into our churches don't really know what they are looking for. They know that this is the place to find it, but need their questions answered. A bad pastor will welcome somebody in and be thankful for another warm body in the pews. A good pastor will begin to form a relationship, and get to know his congregant. A good pastor will find out what is happening in this person’s life, and will find a way to help plug this person into the community of the church. A good pastor will take the time to care one on one.
I wasn't always a good salesman. One of the facts of life in the sales world is the need to have ways to track success. Even good salespeople have to account for sales quotas, and close ratios. Sales is measured not in how many people you got to know, but on how much they spent, and how much product is moved. We often try to judge ministry this way as well, by tracking how many people we have showing up each week, and on how much was given in the stewardship drive. In a business driven world, it's easy to get sucked up into this trap. I know that I do quite often.
Campus ministry has been a little bit like this for me this year. We got off to a slow start, and the numbers of students attending events like lighthouse and chapel are down. I see myself trying to think of strategies to attract more people, and I see other leaders doing the same thing. I had a great reminder last night however that in ministry, numbers are not necessarily what are important. I had a brief one on one conversation with a student when I noticed they were ducking out early on a program. We spent some time talking, and while I don't know that they left feeling any different, I felt that maybe I helped at least give some encouragement and direction. Regardless of that, I at least let this person know that I cared, and that I would be praying for them. Looking back I realize that this is the kind of ministry I want to have. Numbers are nice, but lives touched, even if only briefly matter more. I give thanks to a special friend who was with me, and reminded me of this last night.

An Update:

2007-11-26T22:58:00.000-06:00

18 days and counting....

Hebrew: 1 Final Exam Left and memorize the Schema. (and plan the Bagel Bash)
Exegesis: Edit 16 pages and a final exam.
Doctrine: 6-12 pages and a final exam.
Historical Prayer: 5-7 pages
SPM: Done
Worship: 10-15 pages and presentation.
Research: Done

Oh, and I have a date tomorrow night. (Sorry, that's all the info I'm giving out)

Thanksgiving

2007-11-23T00:39:00.000-06:00

What am I thankful for? What do I thank God for when I say my prayers in the evening? During the day, what are the small comforts that give me pause and remind me to say a quick word of thanks? What should I be thankful for? Ahhhh, it is Thanksgiving and of course the question on everybody lips is "what are you thankful for." The question was asked to me last week at tables. I wrote down chocolate chip cookies just to be different. The same question was asked briefly, if not followed through with today. I've seen articles about this question recently. Of course this is the topic of conversation; it's that time of year.
I tried to describe Thanksgiving to my roommate from Kenya last week. I was doing so well, talking about the Pilgrims and their boat (was it the Mayflower), and about how they struggled in their harsh first winter. I spoke about how the local Indian tribe sent emissaries to help this ragtag bunch through, and how when the harvest arrived, the Pilgrims invited their new friends over for a great feast, giving thanks for all that had been done. I think I was doing a mighty fine job until the question came, "So is this a religious holiday." The immediate answer was no, it's a secular holiday, but really is it? If this celebration started because a bunch of puritan Christians threw a feast to give thanks to God for their survival and friendships, how can this not be a religious holiday as well?
I wrote a paper on the basic theology of offering in worship this week. To summarize a 7 page paper in about one sentence, the reason we give an offering is to respond to the Word in an act of thanksgiving. We give out of thankfulness, and the Pilgrims threw this party, giving from their harvest in thanks and gratitude. Our sermon in church the other day was titled, "Thanksliving." It spoke about how as Christians we need to give thanks not just one day a week, but in every action of our lives. We live out our thankfulness. The problem is that this leads me right back to the question, what do I give thanks to God for in my evening prayers? What should I give thanks for?
The answer to at least one of these questions lays in a devotion given the other day by a fellow student here before lunch. He shared the story of Corrie and Betsie Ten Boom, as related in the book and movie "The Hiding Place." These two ladies were Dutch Christians who, after being turned in for harboring Jews from Germany during the Nazi regime, were thrown into the notorious Ravensbrück concentration camp. The conditions were terrible in their lice infested barracks, but the sisters persisted in giving thanks to God for everything they had. They even said daily prayers thanking God for the lice, much to the disgust of Corrie. During their time in the camp, where many were treated very harshly by the guards, these two girls found that they were left relatively alone. They had a bible and were able to study it and share it with others in their barracks as well. All this was done without the guards ever finding out. According to my friend (I have not read the book), Corrie eventually found that the reason they were left alone, and able to hide the Bible, was due to the fact that the guards didn't want to come near their barracks or them out of fear of the lice. The very thing that Corrie was having difficulty giving thanks for, all of a sudden became the thing she could give God the most thanks for.
With this in mind, I wonder, do I give thanks for my diabetes? Yes. Do I give thanks for papers that are not done yet and frustrating me? Yes. Do I give thanks for bad weather, and too much to do? I don't know that I can always remember to do this, but today, I say a prayer to give God thanks for everything. No list of just happy thoughts and pleasant memories, but instead it's me laying all that I am before him, and saying Thank You for your sacrifice upon the cross for me. Thank you for making me who I am regardless of the trials. Thank you for working your grace in me that I can even come to you with this. Thanks for being our God.

Oh ...and thank you for chocolate chip cookies!

A Great Evening

2007-11-21T00:13:00.000-06:00

I tend to be pretty impulsive in my personality. It's not unusual for me to do something on a whim as it strikes my fancy. I'm not a big planner, but that's ok because I fly by the seat of my pants with the best of them. That is why I wonder why a certain paper of mine is causing me so many difficulties. I have had most of the semester to write my exegesis paper on a great passage; Mark 2:1-2. The healing of the paralytic is a great story of the bible with a lot to say about both the person and ministry of Christ. I still can't seem to be able to sit down and write this paper however. I feel that I'm at a point of paralysis by analysis. I have been trying to analyze so much when it comes to this topic, that I can't keep anything straight. Tomorrow I have to write most of it. I plan on being at the library when it opens, and I won't be surprised if I'm still there when it closes. It will get done, I have every confidence, but it is officially the most difficult paper I have ever written.
I went to the girls’ house tonight to watch a movie and just veg out. I didn't think about the paper at all, and I found that as I came home tonight I had a load off my chest. I'm in a better mood, and feel good about this project. GOD IS GOOD.

The Obituary

2007-11-17T00:31:00.000-06:00

I don't know why it’s this way for me, but I just tend to enjoy talking with people, and it seems like no matter where I live there are a few places in town where I can walk in the door and people know my name. The problem is that these are never the places that I would want to admit to. In Loveland it was the pharmacy where I could walk in and they already knew what I was doing there. There is something depressing about being in your 20's and being on a first name basis with the pharmacist. In Dubuque, it's a little better, but the place is the Hardee's restaurant next to campus. I don't eat there everyday or anything, but I probably do end up there at least once a week if I have an on campus meeting during lunch and I need something to grab quickly. I walk in and the two girls who are always behind the counter always smile and welcome me by name (but I must admit I don't know theirs). Someday I need to arrange it that the people who work at the bank know my name. That might mean that I'm not poor.
I was at Hardee's today for lunch after delivering a letter to the Dean's office asking to be considered as a student delegate for GA next year. I like to go in sometimes on weekends because I can get a free newspaper and just unwind for an hour or so. As I scanned the headlines today and delved deeper into the Des Moines Register, something caught my attention. It was the words "Thornton, CO" in the obituaries. Normally I don't scan this section of the paper, but it was a town from back home in Colorado and the photo shown with the text was of an attractive lady who was only in her early 40's. The obit began with the simple words, "Hi, my name is...” I'm guessing that she passed from something along the lines of cancer; something that gave her enough warning so that she could actually write her own obituary. It was a beautiful and somewhat awe inspiring tribute as she left quick messages to those she was leaving behind. It was a quick I love you to her husband, and a message that she would always be watching over her daughters in spirit. She told her son to be strong, and to her step father she quipped "Who loves ya man!?" The most striking words for me though, were the thoughts reserved for her mother. "thank you for your love, your humor, your strength and this life, I had a blast!"
I had a great conversation tonight with a good friend while lounging away the night under the star filled sky in a hot tub. We talked about our lives and about the experiences that we have had that helped lead us to where we are. It was one of those conversations where you make yourself vulnerable as you share, and I'm grateful for having friends like that whom I can share with. Upon arriving home tonight, I see this obituary still sitting on my desk, and it has me thinking. If I had to write my own obituary, what would I say to everybody I care about? How do you put a whole life full of memories into just a few short words? I don't know that I could. I do know that I could say two things though...."Thank you" and "I had a blast!!!"

30 days in a nutshell

2007-11-12T20:15:00.000-06:00

I had a quick facebook conversation with a friend in the undergrad program today that highlighted the fact that while the first half of the semester seemed to just drag on this year, the past few weeks have flown by quicker then I ever imagined possible. I had a few laughs last year when I saw friends counting down not the days they had left, but the pages they have left to write. I now understand that frame of thought however. A quick look through my syllabus collection for the semester reveals about 32 days left and:

Hebrew: 2 exams and two quizzes.
Exegesis: 20-30 pages and a final exam.
Doctrine: 6-12 pages and a final exam.
Historical Prayer: 5-7 pages
SPM: 2 pages (I love this class)
Worship: 15-20 pages
Research: Done

My prayer for today is that someday I learn to not procrastinate.

Finding Answers

2007-11-09T23:58:00.000-06:00

I remember being in kindergarten and thinking that my teacher knew everything there was to know. Of course she knew everything; why else would she be a teacher. No matter what I asked, she would know the answer. The same went for my mom and dad. If I skinned a knee, they knew how to heal it, and when I wanted to learn how to ride my bike, of course they had the answer. My kindergarten teacher knew my aunt, but that made sense, she knew everything as well. I remember being that age. Everything was safe, and everybody around me could make me feel that way.
I skip forward in my life now about 27 years, and I realize that I am now about the age that my mother was when I was five. I'm probably now older then my kindergarten teacher was in 1980 or so when I first started school. I know I'm older then my aunt was. I also know that they probably didn't have all the answers to life like I thought they did; I certainly don't.
As I grew up, I began to realize slowly that some of the adults in my life maybe didn't know everything, but that was ok. At the time, I probably thought that I knew all the answers anyway. Moving into college and my early adult years most of these naive thoughts went away, but there was still a few people who I think deep down I felt like had all the answers. After all, my pastors had God on their side; of course they would be able to help me in anything that I went through. They helped lead me through my high school youth group experiences. They helped lead me, as I attempted to be a leader for the youth of the church. I went and sat in the office of my associate pastor as I went through premarital counseling. I remember making a desperate phone call one evening to her voice mail as I struggled to try and save a doomed marriage. Getting voice mail crushed me because I knew if she would have answered everything would have been ok.
I think a lot of people think this about their pastors, but as I progress through seminary, this notion is shattered as well, as I begin to realize that we all are a broken people searching for truth. I look around me and I see friends and colleagues who face the same demons that I do. I see people who struggle with relationship questions, image concerns, depression, addictions, family problems, time management concerns, and identity crisis’s. I see people who struggle with the very same issues that I struggle with myself. When I decided to follow the call I felt in my life, I worried that I would arrive on a campus of people who knew everything. I imagined being the lost black sheep on campus, and being laughed out of school.
While I know this is not true now, I still sometimes worry that I am not cut out to be a pastor. I'm not cut out to be the person that a broken and wounded person can lean on, because I am broken and wounded myself. Today was a reminder of this as I had a conversation with somebody dealing with problems from a family strained to the extreme by life. I saw my unworthiness as I entered a discussion with a friend struggling to find theological answers to a life's dilemma. I felt very inadequate as I listened to somebody I consider a close friend admit to some serious demons they are facing in life. I felt exposed as I shared some of my own to the same person.
My solace today is the thoughts gained by my reading of Eugene Peterson, who reminds me that as a future pastor, I don't need to have all the answers....Jesus already does. My job is to pray, and to help those around me pray. My job is not to heal those around me, but to point them to the true healer, our lord and savior. These thoughts and ideas sometimes seem overused and rather blah, but in times of extreme hurt and pain, they can shine through. I remember a time when prayer was maybe all that got me through. It wasn't a pastor, or a teacher, or even my mother who I cried to, but to Jesus. I still don't always feel adequate to be the one who people come to for the answers. The human in me wants to have them all, but my prayer for today is that I will be able to help direct people to the answers. Not the answers that I give them, but the answers that are given to them through the Holy Spirit.

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!
- Chris Rice - Untitled Hymn (Come To Jesus)

Prayer in the Words

2007-11-08T00:17:00.000-06:00

I don't know why it has been a chore for me to write as of late. It confuses me that something that was once a treasured part of my life, has become of late something that I see as a chore. Seeing my journaling in this light has caused me to stop doing something that has really and truly been a source of great comfort and reflection. I guess that some of this has been due to the fact that I already do a great deal of writing in my everyday life, and to sit down at a keyboard and write for another hour, as a devotional, seems a waste of time. The problem I run into though is that this form of writing tends to be very therapeutic and helps me to order my thoughts and feelings. I have gone through the gambit with disorganized thoughts and feelings this semester of school, and I have a hunch that much of this is due to my hesitancy to spend the time to write what is on my mind.There is I think, a second reason that I have been hesitant to write though, and that is fear. Some of the topics that I have explored over this semester, and before to be truthful, are issues that can be very divisive in the world and in the church. I tend to have some strong thoughts on these topics, but I also hate confrontation. I don't like the idea that if I explore my feelings online, others may be hurt or offended. As I go into ministry I worry that I may not be confrontational enough with my congregation and my community. I think that one of the biggest problems we have in this country is a feeling of indifference, and if our pastors and religious leaders are not willing to step up in love to challenge the status quo of society, then the message of the Gospel (oftentimes the offensive message of the Gospel) may be watered down too much. It scares me that I may become something that I don't like by my fear of offending somebody. It's also a scare to me that my blog could be used against me as I search for a church in the next couple of years. I think it's important to be honest in searching for a call, and I always try to be very honest in my writing, and careful about what I say, but I can't escape the feeling sometimes that I may be saying things that rule me out of a Church that is a good fit for me. I also have been hesitant to write over the past six months or so because many of the thoughts and emotions I have been wrestling with have related to people who have been known to be readers of this blog. I have enjoyed my journaling process because it makes me look at people and situations in a good light, due to the fact that anybody can read it. This is great in helping me reframe situations. My problem is that sometimes being honest with myself won't let me be completely honest with the world. Nobody likes to admit faults to themselves, let alone online. It becomes something fearful and uncomfortable. It's through the process of confession and laying things on the line though that we find healing. It's an easy thing to say though, and another to show that faith through action.A friend has inspired me to begin writing again, due to their very passionate and honest exploring of a difficult situation. I miss feeling free to express my thoughts, feelings, perspectives, daydreams, inspirations, and just basic ramblings to the world, and to myself though, so my honest hope is that I can learn to recapture this great devotion. I realize that in writing these posts I experience a very real and honest form of prayer to God, one that I am not capable of experiencing without these printed (or electronic) words. Glory be to God.

A Life's Journey

2007-11-06T21:19:00.000-06:00

I like words, but sometimes they are not adequate....

What might have been?

2007-10-19T00:14:00.000-06:00

The human psyche has an amazing ability to reason something one way and have great happiness about it, while at the same time on a deeper lever feel something completely different. Sometimes the more I try and understand this phenomenon the more I realize I don’t always even know my own self. My ex-girlfriend (and great friend) told me today that she is dating a new guy. All at the same time I felt great excitement and joy for her, while at the same time a felt lousy all at the same time. I hate when my deeper emotions feel different then what I feel I should feel, and then to pile on to that, I add guilt to the mixture. I laugh a lot about my recent past dating experiences. It seems that everyone I date meets their future husband not long after me. It has happened with the last three girls before Ty. I’m not saying it will happen now, but you never know. Anyway the other great thing about the human psyche though is that it heals quickly. I was able to sit down tonight with Ty and work through some of those emotions. I know it will be a few more days until I’m completely normal again (if that is the word), but I feel very happy for her, and hope that this is something good in her life. She really does deserve the very best.
I don’t like country music, but I did download a country song the other day that has resonated at times in my life. The song is by Little Texas and goes:

Sure I think about you now and then
But it's been a long, long time
I've got a good life now, and I've moved on
So when you cross my mind...

I try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in
And there’s no way to know
What might have been

We can sit and talk about this all night long
And wonder why we didn't last
Yes, they might be the best days we will ever know
But we'll have to leave them in the past...

The song really does describe me. I try not to think too much about what my life might have looked like; mostly because I love where my life is headed. Sometimes though I can get a little melancholy and I began to wonder what my life could have looked like. It has been a year and a half since August took her life, and we were divorced nearly 5 years ago. This January 3rd would have been our 10th anniversary. I was the first of all my friends to be married. I was also the first to move away from Loveland and own a house. Not long before our divorce, we talked about having kids, and if that would have happened, I would have been the first to that milestone as well. I look at my life today and realize just how differently it might have looked had just a few small things gone differently, and it amazes me. I see friends of mine now with one or two kids and a mortgage, and it shocks me that I could have been there too. I could very easily still be managing a furniture store somewhere in the country, while preparing to send my child to kindergarten. It’s a weird reality to place myself in as I see where I really am. There are times that I think I do miss that life, but I love the fact that I am called so something so different then I ever thought I would do. I feel lost and lonely only for a moment and then I go participate in something like the Lighthouse campus ministry. I walk into a group of young people and get to be a part of them. I get to hear the band play and worship as I sing loudly to the Lord, saying words that bring me back to a deep peace and joy in my life. The words are simple yet powerful

“YOUR GRACE IS ENOUGH!”

The Jesus Prayer

2007-09-23T21:45:00.000-06:00

It has been said to me lately by a few people that I am not one to stress. For the most part I think this is probably a true observation, but over the past few weeks I'm not so sure. I don't like to show worry on the outside, but as with most people we fight a lot of internal battles that we don't often want to share. This semester has become much more difficult then I ever imagined it would when I went about setting up my school year, but I don't feel like I can drop anything that I am doing at the moment. If I can make it through to this time next month life will begin to become easier, but in the mean time I feel like I am doing 100 different things, but not doing any one of those well.
There is a running joke amongst people who have been to seminary that the name is cemetery. There is a certain truth to that statement. It can be a difficult environment, and one that can lead to a spiritual death very quickly. The academics can be demanding, and in trying to keep up with the demands of schoolwork, church schedules, finances, and other meetings, conferences, and commitments it is very easy to forget that this is a calling from God. It's easy to forget to sometimes stop and listen. The one thing that is helpful right now is a class on historical models of prayer. This week’s assignment is simple and probably very much needed. It is simply to give five minutes a day to a simple single prayer:

"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me"

"Κύριε Ἰησοῦ Χριστέ, Υἱέ τοῦ Θεοῦ, ἐλέησόν με τὸν."

Friends and Goodbye's

2007-08-20T00:08:00.000-06:00

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Cant believe the hopes hes granted
Means a chapter in your life is through
But well keep you close as always
It wont even seem youve gone
cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

And friends are friends forever
If the lords the lord of them
And a friend will not say never
cause the welcome will not end
Though its hard to let you go
In the fathers hands we know
That a lifetimes not too long to live as friends.
- Friends by Michael W. Smith

The waterworks pretty much opened up for many of the 13 and 14 year olds as this song played at the year end slideshow of my 8th grade year. We had just finished two great years at Bill Reed Jr. High / Middle School and next year half of my class would be attending Thompson Valley High and the other half would be attending Loveland High. The slideshow was a time to reflect on the past year, but it also reminded us of the fact that this would be the last time many of our friends would be our classmates. It was an emotional time.

This was not the first time I had to learn to say goodbye, and it most definitely was not the last time that I had to say goodbye. Over the span of my life, I have had to say goodbye to more people then I can really count, and I recognize that I will say goodbye to many more throughout the course of my life. One of the greatest sources of sadness in my life is the realization that in a couple short years, I will have to say goodbye to the members of my seminary class. Though there are always good intentions of keeping in touch, and not losing contact with others, inevitably many in this group will lose touch and life will go on.

I just returned not long ago from a trip to Colorado. It was an amazing trip and I was able to connect with some of my best friends in the world. While many of these are the friends that I will never lose touch with, I don’t have the same contact that I used to with them all, and leaving Colorado forced me to say goodbye again; just as quickly as I was able to say hello. Life goes on.

I am getting ready to say goodbye here again very soon. The last week in my summer internship is upon me, and I have been preparing in my head the last sermon I will give here. While it will be a full sermon, I also hope to be able to say a brief goodbye in it, and thank the congregation for all the lessons they have taught me during my brief stay here. I would love to promise that I will stop back by sometime and keep everybody informed of what I am doing, but I know that will probably not happen as well as it could. I know that I will be saying goodbye, most likely permanently, to people who have meant a lot to me.

I love the meaning of these lyrics by Michael W. Smith. I love the idea, that just because we say goodbye, that we are still friends. I believe this, and it gives me great hope in my life. I still think often of all the people who have had meaning in my life, who I no longer keep in contact with. I wonder what has happened to many of these people who I will probably never see again, but still hold in my heart. I wonder where Amy, my kindergarten playmate is. The last time I saw her was the wedding of my short-lived marriage. I wonder what happened to Colin and Jeff, the best friends of my childhood. I saw Colin at his wedding, many years ago, but didn’t have a chance to say hello. I ran into Jeff’s father some time ago and found that he was happy, and living life in Denver. I took Jackie to my junior prom, and graduated from both high school and college with here. The last I saw her she was planning on going to grad school some 8 years ago. I probably still have the ability to get in touch with a few other friends from high school, but never do. I saw Gwen at my 10 year reunion, and have had e-mail conversations with Keith and Melissa and Krista, but our lives have gone their separate ways. My life, and I’m sure yours, are littered with stories of people who have impacted our lives and then faded as our lives have gone on; but it’s a comfort to know that we can still count ourselves as friends forever.

Lord, thank you for friendship, thank you for putting these people into my life. You reveal yourself to us in many ways, but one of the most personal ways we see you, is in the eyes of each others; in the eyes of our friends. In the smiles and laughter shared between buddies, you have shown us the power of your joy. In the quiet whispers and shared anxieties of companions you have given us trust. As close friends have come together over tears of anguish, you have taught us compassion in a heartfelt embrace. We have learned peace as we experience you Lord, over quiet times of contentment with our pals. We have learned forgiveness in our realization that losing a friend is not worth the price of a mistake. In the selfless act of another, we have learned what it means to give, and in their humble acceptance of our gifts we have learned how to receive. In true friendship we learn about the greatest gift you have given us; we learn how to love. It is in friendship where we model the true mission of the church here on earth. In scripture you tell us what is good and bad, but it is in the work of the Holy Spirit as seen in our friendships where we get to experience it. Thank you for your true gift of love; thank you for friends.

Late-Night Thoughts on Faith and Mystery

2007-07-10T20:31:00.000-06:00

I had a pastor once who gave a sermon on the topic of Joy. He started the sermon with, of all things, a dictionary definition of the topic. While I love this pastor to death, this was one sermon that just flopped for me. I don’t think you can define Joy with mere words; you can’t try and explain joy to somebody simply by telling them what it is, they have to experience it.

In trying to describe how I feel right now, the word Faith comes to mind. Often times I will go for a definition as a starting point, but like Joy, how can one really know what faith is without seeing it, and experiencing it in their own lives. How can one grasp something that is really ungraspable without having had it touch their life in a deep meaningful and personal way? Even then, it’s something that can’t really be understood. In looking at a definition online though, one thing stood out to me that I can touch upon, and that word is trust. The primary idea behind faith is trust. In faith we have trust; in an idea or ideal; in an institution; in a person or loved one; in our God. We can believe that something is real, say the Loch Ness Monster, but without trust, do we have any faith in that belief. We can say we believe in God, but without trust in him, is there faith?

I have spent a great deal of time over the past year attempting to hear God’s voice in my life. I will spend a great deal of time over the next few years to continue to try and listen to his mighty voice; his whisper, in my life. By his grace, I will hopefully not stop then at the end of seminary, but will spend the rest of my life trusting in his voice, and trying to discern what that voice is saying to me. I think we all try and determine what it is God is telling us to do in our lives. It may be the single most vexing and frustrating thing for Christians. We live in a world of instant data, and endless information. We go online, and whatever we want to know, we have in the blink of an eye. When we want to communicate with somebody we just give them a ring on our cell phone, or if that isn’t convenient we text message them; all the communication without the hassle of a personal touch. When I e-mail somebody now, I often have a response within a few hours, but if I need it quicker, I can always see if they are online and IM them. We often want this in our prayer lives as well, but it doesn’t work that way. In our society we are taught to seek out hard solid facts, we are taught to evaluate things based on hard solid numbers. The idea of mystery is void in our culture.

In our human minds we try and explain God in numbers; and I have seen in many friends, their faith tattered and torn because of messages they have been given about God and prayer. I have seen the message of the “Gospel of Prosperity” torture friends; the message that if they only will believe strong enough, God WILL give it to them. I have seen friends struggle with messages from people saying they know God’s will. People who claim to represent God, but really teach a message that is very contrary to his teaching in scripture. I have had friends pray and pray and pray for something, only to lose faith when they decide that their prayers have not been answered. In all of these examples people lose faith because they put their faith, their trust, not in him but in their preconceived notions of him. In the end they are putting their faith in themselves and in their understanding of God. In the gospel of prosperity, we put our faith in and idea that God will provide for us, according to our desires of provision. With our listening to people who claim to know God’s word, we place our trust in their interpretation of what God say’s to them. God may be speaking to them, he may not, but like the Jews in the time of Christ, are their interpretations correct? The Jews were expecting a great king, and yet what they saw was nothing of the sort. In our example of those that pray for something only to lose faith when they don’t see it answered, again they put their faith in an idea that the answer must look like the image in their head.

I absolutely love this quote from the movie Evan Almighty because it reverbs with the thoughts and ponderings that I’ve been weighing for the past few weeks.

“If someone prays for patience, do you think that God gives them patience or does He give them the opportunity to be patient? If one prays for courage does God give them courage or the opportunity to be courageous? If someone prays for the family to be closer do you think God actually wants them to have warm fuzzy feelings or does He give them opportunities to love each other?" – Morgan Freeman in Evan Almighty

To embrace God is to embrace mystery. To love God, is to love the unknown, made known to us in Jesus Christ. Jesus in his teachings though didn’t often give black and white answers. He taught in parables, letting his students figure out what the meaning behind the story was. There was a meaning behind the teaching though as he showed the disciples as he explained the parable of the sower (Mt 13:18-23, Lk 8:11-15, Mk 4:13-20). Matthew, quoting Isaiah, says “You will indeed listen, but never understand, and you will indeed look, but never perceive.” No matter how hard we try to explain God, we can’t forget that in the end he is still a mystery. As this movie quote points out, our understanding of what God “should do” and what he really does are often not perfectly aligned. In the end the greatest part about faith is that it is trust not in the fully know, but in the unknown. It’s a trust that in his infinite wisdom and infinite love, God will provide for us in a way that is best for us. It’s a belief that he knows better then we do what that is.

We live in a society that is progressively becoming post modern in its beliefs. It’s becoming more and more taught that truth is in our experiences. Just like with Joy and Faith, it’s our experience with then that convince us of that truth; that experience that gives us trust. I embrace this, but struggle with the second part of this ideal that says that since everybody has different experiences, everybody has different truths. I can’t express a belief that in Christ there are different truths. What I can express a belief in is that in our experiences we try and interpret what the truth is, sometimes correctly and sometimes incorrectly. Just as in the early days of the church we don’t always understand the message of Christ, and therefore we need to work together, in mutual respect to find the truth on many of the issues we face. I know that I am pretty opinionated on many issues, and I can’t say that this is bad, it’s important to have beliefs, and to know why you belief what you do. Faith can’t exist if there is no trust in certain ideals. If somebody is to say they trust all ideals, is that really trust in anything? What I lament, though is seeing people who have differing beliefs based on what they have seen in their lives and in their reading of scripture attack each other openly in the name of religion. I have my beliefs, and I will defend these beliefs, but not at the expense of another human being.

I have been more encouraged over the past year that I am not the only one who feels this way. Working with a church pastor here who is often on the other side of issues, but seeing in him a faithful man of God is encouraging to me. Going to school with people who stand on all sides of the political and theological scale, and being able to call all of the friend is one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given. I will continue to have the beliefs that I do, and will continue to explain why I believe them; but I will do so in knowledge that my understanding of God is limited. I will do so with a faith and trust that in his wisdom and love, he will continue to guide me. I don’t know what the final answer will be for the church in it’s battles on the issues of our day. What I do know is that I have faith in the mystery of God, in the mystery of his solution given in the mystery of his own timing.

A walk through history

2007-07-01T20:53:00.000-06:00

I think often times in our traditional mainline denominational churches worship becomes very routine and stale. People come to church knowing what to expect, and unless something unexpected happens, such as the pastor dropping the bread during communion, they don't remember much. Worship is so much more then that though, and sometimes worship, even in the stalest environment, becomes something special and serves to remind us that whenever two or more are gathered in Christ's name, he is present. Today served as that reminder for me, and I hope for many people in our congregation. While I don't know that I did anything different, and I hope I didn't, there was a noticeably different feel to worship today. There was a buzz in the air, and you could sense the presence of God. It makes me confident of the path I am on in my life.
I went for a nice hike yesterday in the Galesville cemetery. While I think that many people are a little freaked out by these places, I have always found them to be a great source of peace and serenity. Pine Cliff Cemetery is situated on a hill right in the middle of town. From the top of the hill, the cemetery overlooks the city with a spectacular view. Looking the other way from the cemetery, it overlooks some great farm land and a small apple orchard. It is one of the most beautiful places I have found this summer. I had wanted to go in order to take a couple photos. I wanted to be able to remember my first funeral the week before, and the beauty of the short internment ceremony. I took so much more with me from this walk though. I was able to spend some time reflecting on my sermon for today. I didn't write it until late last night, and the thoughts I worked over during this walk were very helpful to me. I was also able to get a bit of a neat perspective on the history of the town somewhat. It was neat to see the cemetery laid out with large monuments spaced out with the last name of a family on it. Surrounding these stones, were smaller stones with individuals names and dates. Basically the cemetery was laid out in the 1800's with each family having an area of the cemetery that they were buried in. As time went on, this began to break down a little bit, and now it's a wonderful sight to see a stone dated in the late 1890's situated right next to a stone dated in 2003. I saw many family names that I know, and it was neat to take a small piece of history with me in my photos.
I have tomorrow off, and I'm hoping to do a little hiking up some bluffs here in town so I can grab a few more photos. It has been a beautiful week, and I'm looking forward to a fun Independence Day.

Homecoming

2007-06-26T21:37:00.000-06:00

I love to hop in my car and just drive sometimes. I'll get a thought in my head that I feel like thinking through, and will just jump into my Grand Am and hit the road for hours at a time. I've found that I've been forced to change that pattern lately though. As gas prices have gone up through the roof, and the miles on my car have steadily climbed past the 100,000 miles mark, I've taken to reflecting on my thoughts in a new place. It's about 10:30 at night and I'm sitting in the dark sanctuary at First Pres. I first came and sat here last week as I was thinking through my sermon on Elijah's encounter with God in complete silence on Mount Horeb. As I was sitting there reflecting on what silence sounded like I realized all the noise that we don't even notice in our lives. I could hear the century old building creak and moan, and the occasional car drive by on the street outside the beautiful stained glass windows. I could hear the wind as it softly whispered by the steeple above me. I could also hear the steady click, click, click of the inexpensive plastic clock that hangs above the doors in the rear; a gentle reminder to the pastor that our lives are so important that we often times are unwilling to give more then the weekly sacred hour to our faith. That though is another post altogether, for when I am in a different mood.
I spent some time today speaking with good friends back in Colorado, preparing for my trip there in August. It seems that no matter how much time I spend when I go back, I never have even a minute to slow down and relax. That's very depressing in some ways, and in others it's a great feeling to have so many people that I care about, and who care about me that I want to make sure I schedule to see. I miss my home. I think about Loveland often, and I long for the daily view of the Rocky Mountains that I took for granted living in my childhood home. I miss the dry climate, and the 300 plus days of sunshine. I miss smelling pine trees as I drive up the Big Thompson Canyon toward Estes Park. I miss my friends. I miss my church. I miss my home.
I was watching a movie tonight on cable TV that I really never wanted to see, but got stuck on while channel surfing tonight. It has one of my favorite actresses though and got me to thinking about our love for home; our love for the comfort of being where we belong. In this movie, the girl had everything she could ever want, but she was willing to give it all up; wealth, fame, comfort, and even love, to return to the place in the world that was home. I have given up on ever being able to return to Loveland to live. I would be willing to bet that I won't be living in my beloved Colorado anytime soon in my life. I firmly believe that any place can become home, and that it's the friends and memories of a place that you make that will eventually become home. I have that kind of feeling with Dubuque and the community of the seminary. I will someday leave that home as well to follow the call Jesus has put on my life and I'm happy with that. I will always have a place in my heart for Colorado though. There is something about sitting on my rock at Pinewood reservoir that makes me feel closer to God. There is something about laying on the hood of my car, looking at the stars from Rocky Mountain National Park that puts meaning in my faith. There is something about sitting around a mountain campfire at Highlands Camp that lets me know God is speaking to me personally, that I don't get in Iowa, or Wisconsin.
There is one other home that gathered new meaning for me this week though. I led my first funeral service this weekend. It was a remarkable experience for a man who did some remarkable things. He was a teacher who still was in contact with many of his old students, calling many of them weekly. This is remarkable enough in itself, but becomes even more remarkable when you realize these students graduated high school 50 years ago, and that this gentleman was 90 years old. I found it fitting that as somebody known his whole life as an educator was still helping to educate me, even following his death. It was a bit of a struggle for me to plan and prepare for the funeral, but it's something that I really found a lot of pleasure doing. I have heard many pastors say they would rather do a funeral then a wedding service, and I can see why (but I'm not willing to say that statement yet). Planning a sermon and the rest of the service helped open my eyes to the true meaning of a funeral service, and the joy that can come from celebrating the life of somebody who has come and gone before us. It's a reminder that this is a time of celebration as somebody through the power of Christ's resurrection from death on the cross, has finally gone home. That somebody has gone to a home that we long for even more then our homes here on earth. That a 90 year old named Norm has gone to a home that is better then even the Colorado home I still miss. It's great to go home!

Heart of Worship

2007-06-17T10:17:00.000-06:00

I just finished leading my first worship service from start to finish. I have preached before, and led liturgy, and selected music, but the pastor is now on vacation for 4 weeks and I was responsible for the whole service today. I'll be honest and say that it is a bit of a relief to be done with it, but things went very well and I had a great time. I know there were a few mistakes and such, but I'm not looking for perfection, simply an honest and authentic time of worship for those present. As a pastor it's sometimes easy to forget what worship is about and focus on things such as style, delivery and look. It's easy to think that worship is about you and what you do in the front of the room. When that happens worship ceases to be worship and becomes a performance. I struggle with this dichotomy sometimes as I realize that worship is all about God, but still want to be the best leader of worship I can be. It's also easy to get addicted to all the comments of praise and encouragement I get each week. Because I'm an intern people continue to go out of their way to say nice things to me. Over time these comments will go away, they don't last. It can be easy to take that as a sign that you are no longer being successful. I said a prayer today, but I can't take credit for writing it. It's a song by Sonic Flood that was shown to me by a good friend a few years back. It's an important prayer for anybody who leads in worship to hear now and again.

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
It's all about you
All about you, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about you, Jesus

A good walk ruined

2007-06-02T22:23:00.000-06:00

As far as I can tell, this is what Mark Twain said about Golf. I think I may have to agree with him.
I drove down to Dubuque this weekend to collect the mail that I forgot to have forwarded to me this summer. With a tuition bill and my grades for the semester (did pretty well) having been mailed to my mailbox back in Dubuque, I figured I should go pick everything up. I drove up Friday afternoon on my day off listening to reports of tornado warnings in some of the counties that I was driving towards and through. It's a little unnerving to hear the warnings, but with the exception of some light rain it was a nice drive. I even stopped to snap a few photos of farm country with the Mississippi in the background.

"Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins." - Jim Murray

It was nice being back on campus, but strange to come onto campus not as a resident, but a visitor. I didn't have my own townhouse to sleep in, but instead had to crash on the sofa of some friends. It wasn't the most comfortable I've ever slept, but it's great having people who are willing to put me up on a days notice, even though they already have a guest from California staying with them as well. Last night the friends I stayed with, and some other friends got together to play some cards. It was a new game I had never played before, but I picked it up pretty quickly. I have a reputation for being pretty competitive, and I was again last night, but in the end I did lose. It's funny how I love competition. I would never watch anything like a cooking show, but turn it into a competition like Iron Chef and I'm hooked. I wouldn't touch a single thing on the menu, but I can't turn the show off until I know who wins.

"If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right." - Bob Hope

I did get a nice surprise when I checked my mail last night as well. I had a nice check in the mail from my church back home. It was completely unexpected, but so very appreciated. It's always a nice reminder that there are people back home that are praying for me and encouraging me in what I'm doing. I love the church.

"Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the
easiest to cheat at." - Dave Hill

Yes, I went a played some golf with Kelsey, her father, and Matt today. I don't know whether I like golf or hate golf. It's supposed to be considered recreation, yet I always want to wrap my clubs around a tree as I feel by blood pressure rise by the end of the game. I was told by Kelsey that I shot a 32 for the nine holes we played today. She was being very kind to me because I had 32 strokes by the time I hit the 3rd or 4th hole. You are officially horrible at this game if it takes you 6 strokes to get on the green and another 4 putts to sink the ball on a par 4. This is a game that I can't master it seems no matter how hard I try. I want to be competitive with others, but I will go with people who are playing their first game in years, and they will destroy me. It's frustrating to the extreme to be so bad at something. I decided for that very reason, golf is actually good for me. It may not be relaxing or enjoyable for me most of the time, but it does help teach me humility. It helps me to enjoy and relax in the surrounding, and forget about competing. It shows me that I don't always have to be the best at something. It also shows me what good friends I have as they remain patient with me throughout the entire episode. Golf is a crazy thing, but I'm sure I'll go play again the very next time I'm invited.

The Sonic Motel

2007-05-31T22:57:00.000-06:00

I have a story in my head. Someday I would love to write it out and publish it as a book. If and when that happens is really anybody's guess, but I have been wanting to write my "best seller" since I was attending Colorado State University for my undergraduate degree. I don't know if I will ever get around to writing it, I don't even update my blog that well, but there is some ironly in my life right now in regards to the story. I developed the main character a little bit off of a guy I worked with at KFC long ago. My co-worker was fresh out of high school, and had basically been kicked out of his house. He had lived with his dad and brother; there was no mother present in his life. Being broke, he ended up living in an old run down motel in Loveland. I visited his place once, and it was a pretty sketchy place. There were areas in the room where the celing was shorter then I was tall, and while I didn't see any roaches in the light, I'm pretty sure they were his roomates. I took aspects of his life and another friend of mine and put my main character in thier situation. They say great writers write about something they know though, and life has come full circle for me somewhat. I'm living at the moment at the Sonic Motel in Galesville. I don't think I will be here the whole summer, and it's a much nicer place then my co-worker had lived, but it's a new and unique experience for me. I'm writing my blog from my car because while there is wireless here at the hotel, it doesn't quite reach my room. I go out to my car and move it about 3 parking places closer to the office to access the net. The sonic is a motel built probably in the 70's by an old air force pilot coming back from vietnam and korea. It's a little bit run down and under fairly new ownership right now, but with the orange carpet in the room, it definatly has it's nastalgia. I'm really enjoying living here, and it gives me motivation to start thinking and relating to my story right now.

As far as stories go, I get to practice telling stories next week with vacation bible school at the church. It's a little unusual for me to see a VBS take place technically before school even gets out, and in the evening, but it should be fun. It's only a three day program, and the church is recycling a program that they had run a few years back. I get to be the story teller for the kids, relating the bible story to them each day in a new, fun and hopefully somewhat creative way. I think it will be a bit of a challenge for me, since I really don't have a lot of experience with kids younger then 12 or 13, but I'm looking forward to this. I should be a fun time. Anyway's I get it easy as compared to some friends of mine who get to run the whole program at thier churches.

Tomorrow I'm running to Dubuque since I forgot to forward my mail, but I'm looking forward to seeing my friends, and hopefully finding out my grades.

Back With A Vengance

2007-05-28T14:41:00.000-06:00

Wow, I think I've been gone a long time. For the longest time I planned on getting back to blogging; going through everything that has happened to me over the past few months, but there has really been to many things to mention. There has been so many experiences, and so many emotions, over this second semester of seminary, that I just can't mention it all and give it justice. It's sad because I started this as a venture to not only update people as to my doings in the world, but to also be able to work through feelings and emotions in writing, much the same way a journal does. I have missed being able to practice this discipline, which is very spiritual in my life, and I hope to do better as I move on this summer.
It's a beautiful Memorial Day in Galesville, Wisconsin, as I write this. I'm sitting outside the First Presbyterian Church, in the grass, as I write on my laptop computer. There is a fairly steady breeze and it feels good as it rushes by me on this warm day. If I wouldn't have cut my hair, and shaved my beard a couple of weeks ago, I would feel my hair as it blew in front of my face, but it feels good looking like I did a couple of years back.
I have been working as a part time intern here at the church since early March, and it has been a remarkable experience for me. When I first began, during the semester, I drove up here every weekend. I worked on Friday and Saturday, participated in worship on Sunday, and took the 3 hour journey back to Dubuque following service. I am now up here full time for the summer, and really looking forward to everything. Yesterday I gave the Sermon for Pentecost Sunday here at the church and then drove over to lead worship at Marinuka Manor, the local nursing home, and Eden House, the attached assisted living facility. This was the third sermon that I have given, and I've been very happy and encouraged by everybody in the congregation. I know that I struggle to write them often times, but I've been told that I do very well in giving them. It's a fun experience for me. I will have plenty of other opportunities to preach this summer as I am scheduled to preach from June 17, through the second week of July when Mike, the pastor here, is on vacation. I have also been given the chance to preach at a joint worship service in the park the last week of July with the Lutheran Church here in town. I'm looking forward to that.
I was also allowed to participate in a member's wedding this last Saturday at the church. It was probably one of the neater experiences of my life. I like the way the pastor here tries to stage weddings. Instead of having the wedding party face the pastor on the platform, he instead has the bride and groom face the congregation during the service, with him and me standing off to the front and side a little bit. It's a way to allow the congregation to see the faces of the bride and groom during the service, instead of their backside. I was moved being able to be up front and center during the whole service. The pastor in a wedding really does have the best seat in the house. I also really liked one other aspect to this wedding I had never seen done before. Instead of lighting a unity candle, like so many couples do today, they instead choose to represent their coming together in a "blending of the sands". They had an empty vase in front of them, and two other vases, on either side of the empty vase, filled with different colored sand (blue and purple). When it came time, they both went forward and took one of the full vases; pouring the sand into the middle empty vase in unison letting the streams of sand cross creating a new and beautiful design in the middle vase. I liked this representation because, as Mike said, with the unity candle you see the two flames merging to burn as one flame no different then before. With the sand, it creates a oneness that is both more beautiful then before, and two, a scene where you can still detect the individual colors of the sand as they are blended together. It's a neat concept that I hope to use again. In addition, if sealed with wax, then the couple has a great memento, instead of a burned candle.
There is probably some crazy irony that I do participate in a wedding the same week that I broke up with my girlfriend. Ty and I were together for about 7 months I guess, but we decided together that it wasn't a relationship that was going to work. If you ask two people where they see their lives in 5 years and the answers are 180 degrees apart, it's probably a wise choice to end a relationship on good terms. That is what Ty and I did, and I really do hope and pray that we will be able to remain good friends. I have been able to talk with her quite a few times since the breakup, and it's a good feeling to see that there is no animosity there on either of our parts that I know of. In a sense it's a new start again this summer for me, similar to what I was experiencing in August. It should make for a summer of many new experiences.
Before coming up to Galesville full time this week, I did manage to make it out to Spokane to see my brother for about a week. I'm so glad that I was able to do that. He has lived there for almost 5 to 6 years now, and it was the first time that I had made it out there to see him. I traveled on a free ticket that he had from the airline, so it was affordable, and it was a fun trip. We spent a couple of days at a old cabin, new to him, in the Mountains, going on some great hikes, and drives. The scenery was spectacular as we traveled old logging roads on hikes seeing deer and other wildlife (even a great big toad). We drove up a road leading high up into the mountain range his cabin sits in. The view was breathtaking from our vantage point on the road. On the way down we even saw a bear. I also was able to see the pool where he works as a water survival instructor, and the field where he helps to teach people to be rescued by a helicopter. We also did one of the more crazy things I have done, when we went on a float down the Spokane River, ending in shooting a short stretch of a class III rapid. Of course we did this in an expired, orange, seven man life raft without paddles. Being without paddles we used shovels instead. It was a blast, and we pulled onto shore in the state park afterwards and had ourselves a great BBQ. Good Times.
I spent the last few weeks of spring semester obsessing over hymns. I spent a great deal of time on Itunes looking for nice contemporary versions of traditional Christian hymns. I finished my project last night, taking my favorite 12 hymns I found and burned them to a CD. I don't know why, but I love the idea of taking a hymn and the timeless message that it proclaims, and making it new and fresh for a new generation. It's the same thing I think Church's need to be doing everyday. If any friends would like a copy of my little best of CD let me know.
This summer I'm looking forward to being able to hike, camp, and maybe even take a photography class in LaCrosse. The wedding photographer teaches one that is only about 70 dollars at a local college. I'm really tempted to sign up. I'm also hoping to see a lot of great movies. I have already crossed Spiderman 3, Pirates 3, and Shreck 3 off my list. Hmmm, a lot of sequels to sequels here.
While I had many more amazing experiences over the last couple of months that I can’t mention, I do want to say goodbye to one of the best friends ever here. I found out in late March, or early April that Sassy, the German Shepherd I had to give up to come to seminary, died in her sleep. She was a great friend who saw me though some very difficult times in my life. She was a good dog, and a great friend. I miss her.
Well, I'm back with a vengeance, and it's too beautiful right now to waste the day away typing. I'm out until next update....

In a box

2007-02-26T23:28:00.000-06:00

I interviewed the other day for a supervised practice of ministry position, for next fall, at the church I've been attending here in Dubuque. Probably the two best questions asked during that interview came not from the pastor of the church, nor any members of the session tasked to interview the five candidates for the position. In my opinion the best questions came from a high school student sitting in because part of the job will involve working with the youth of the church. The first question she asked followed up on a basic retelling of my life regarding how I stumbled into the meaning of grace. It was simple and to the point. Do you know what Grace is now? At the time I answered yes, that after hitting rock bottom in my life, it has a meaning in my life that is beyond words; that I don't have any right to be where I am in my life, yet God has allowed it. To ask a truthful question though, do any of us really understand grace?

The second question that was asked of me later in the interview was, "if you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?" The beauty of this question is that it doesn't matter what fruit you answer with, it's the explanation of the answer that gives great insight into who you really are. This question opens up the person being interviewed to volunteer information about themselves in a more meaningful way then the ordinary "tell us about yourself" question. I think my answer says a lot about me and who I am. I said I would be a watermelon. I don't even like watermelon, but I answered this way because I don't like to be put into a box. I could have said banana or orange or apple, but the vision I had in my head at the moment involved a skit done by Gallagher as he takes a sledgehammer and smashes a watermelon with it. It's unexpected, and loud, and exciting and out of the ordinary. It's out of the box.

I don't think that anybody likes to be put in a box. I know that I grew up in a generation that always felt the need to express themselves. Ideas such as school uniforms or dress codes caused great consternation among me and all of my friends. We all wanted to be unique, and different then anybody. Labels that narrowly defined us were hated. I still take great pride in being different and unique, and I know I always will. I refuse to allow anybody to place me in a box. Society still gets riled up as we try and use labels to define people, places and events. People in our society also hate to be put in a box.

As a society I wonder then, why we always try and place God in a box. So many people, me included, have our own little box that we try and place God in. We create our own little God that fits our preconceived notion of what he should be. Like going through a buffet line, we pick and choose the things we want to believe about God, not because we have studied scripture to see what it says, but because it's what we want to believe about him. I don't want to believe in a God that may pick and choose because it makes me uncomfortable; it doesn't fit into my box. I don't want to believe in a God that allows people who are different from me have power in the church. Let’s reject that. Conservatives and Liberals alike, we are all guilty of doing this. We are guilty of trying to define God, not as he is, but as how we would like him to be.

This goes back to my first question. Does anybody really understand grace, let alone God? Can we as humans understand something as powerful as that we receive from grace? I know that I appreciate God's grace in my life with all my being, yet I still take it for granted on so many occasions. I hit rock bottom in my life once, but let’s face it, many have been much lower then me. Christ was arrested, tortured, beaten, humiliated, and died; none of which was deserved. I deserve all of that and more in my life, but I have been spared. How does one understand the uncomprehendable? I was having a discussion with a friend the other day on the topic of pain. This conversation brought to mind my desire to always be able to explain things. As a guy it's in my nature to want to fix things and to tell other how things should be, but as I pastor I can't fix those who are hurting. I can’t explain to them why they are hurting, or why things happen the way they do. All I can do is let myself be open to God, so that he can work his healing in his own way. I have a friend who is going through some very difficult trials at the moment. I again wish I could explain God to her, but I can't, and that’s not what she needs right now. Me trying to explain God in this situation would only make things worse.

As humans I don't think this means that we shouldn't try to understand God as best we can. I don't think that it's wrong that we take issues and theologies that we disagree on and debate the merits as long, as we are open to each others side and recognize that we will never be fully able to understand God in this life. We need to be open to understanding God as he is revealed in scripture first and then nature. We need to unpack our box and let our comfortable understanding of the triune God go. We need to allow God to live outside of the box.

This means war!

2007-02-24T21:18:00.000-06:00

I was had tonight!Of course this means war. I tried to build a snowman on the front porch of some friends of mine earlier this evening, but they heard me and caught me in the act. I caught them in the act here, but it was a little too late. Oh well, this kind of war is right up my alley (insert evil laugh right here!!!).

I'm sitting here in the middle of an official blizzard warning, enjoying what may my last free weekend for a long time. I was supposed to go to a junior B level hockey game tonight; the Dubuque Thunderbirds, but because of the snow most of my friends cancelled on me. It's been fun burning some music with Ryan and messing around a little on the guitars though. He is really good, and it makes me want to learn more then the 5 or 6 chords I know right now.

They have already canceled church in the morning for the church I normally attend here in Dubuque. Some friends and I have decided that we still want to do a worship service so we are getting together tomorrow morning for a prayer service. We will sing some hymns and contemporary worship songs with the guitar and do church home style. It will be fun to worship in a way that is probably very relevant in regards to the way the original church started.

Last week, I managed to secure the Supervised Practice of Ministry job I applied for, and I’ll probably start next weekend. It's a part time job at a church that will let me practice preaching, visiting people in the hospital and nursing home, and working with youth. I have always said that the thing I lack most in trying to become a pastor is practical experience, and this will allow me to gain some. It's a beautiful drive to the church in Galesville, Wisconsin, but it's also a long 3 hour drive. I will be making the drive every weekend through the end of the school year, but then they will provide a place for me to live over the summer as the job becomes full time. I'm a little scared that over the month of June I will also be the solo pastor at the church as the real pastor is on vacation, but I know with God's help I can do it. I'm really excited to get started there. When I drove up to interview, I had such an incredible sense of peace just driving into the town. Meeting with the pastor and a couple of people from the church just confirmed that peace. I'm loving life.

There has been some worry lately on the campus that at the seminary there is a bit of a disconnect between this years first year class, and the second and third years. A few friends and I have tried to do some things to try and bring the classes together a little more. The day I drove up to Wisconsin for the interview I came back to play poker with a lot of guys from the seminary at my place. I knew that I was going to be a little late, but with my roommates permission I volunteered our townhouse for the night. After parking in the garage I opened the door to find 19 guys playing poker in my living room from every class, not to mention age and nationality. We only play for chips, so it's not a big deal, but it was an incredibly fun event of guy’s night out. I'm hoping that it's something that we can keep up. It blows me away sometimes how easy it is for women to pull together a group to spend time together, study, pray, and just fellowship, but it can be so difficult for men. This was definitely a good thing and something that needs to be done more often in society.

With the weather being bad and school being stressful, our group has found a way to escape if only for an hour or two a couple nights a week. We've been gathering at Kevin and Anne’s place to watch American Idol each night in a ritual that promises to happen every Tue, Wed, and Thurs. for as long as the show runs, which will most likely cover most of the semester. The other night we also got together for a night of guesstures and taboo; both fun board games which ironically don't have a board (I guess the question is then, are they really board games?). Anyways it's been a fun semester so far, but it also promises to be a very difficult one as well.

Snow Day

2007-02-13T22:48:00.000-06:00

Today was a snow day. School was canceled all day. In other words it was almost the perfect day, with the mixture of snow on the ground, the ability to crawl back into bed, and the feeling of just being like a kid today. I did have a session meeting for class that I had to attend tonight, and I did do some reading, but for the most part I just allowed myself to waste the day. I really think you need to do that sometimes, though I may do that a little too much, but I digress.
Right now I'm just sitting back at my computer listening to the new John Denver CD that I got for Valentines Day (Sunshine On My Shoulders does not seem to fit the snow day theme, but again I digress), and being mellow. I think I have managed to get over the syllabus shock from the first couple weeks of school, and have reverted back to my reading by triage methodology. I have a few friends who manage to keep up on their reading, and if I ever learn their secrets it may be a miracle, but I guess I manage ok.
I have applied for what is called a Supervised Practice of Ministry position (imagine a church internship for college credit) and I have an interview Friday. I'm really excited for this, but I think that excitement is tempered a bit by the fact that the church is about a 2 1/2 to 3 hour drive from here. I'm driving up for the interview Friday, so I will get to see the church and see how the drive will be. When I was in Colorado for my Psych exam this is one of the things that was recommended to me. I have been involved with the church on and off again for some time, but I have never actually been involved with the church on a daily basis as a member of staff. This practical experience is something that I'm really longing for. It should be a great experience.
I've been real bad at writing over the last few weeks. I think a lot of that had to do with a feeling of spiritual dryness, mixed with the syllabus shock, but I think I have managed to work through both of that a little bit. I skipped out of my pastoral care class Thursday and drove down to a nature area on the Mississippi river. Even though it was about 15 degrees, I climbed down a hill and went for a short walk along the railroad track running along the river. Stopping just short of a bridge spanning a creek as it joins the river, I had a seat to watch a group of bald eagles as they soared above me, and fished the river. I think I sat there by the tracks and just listed for God's voice as I watched the incredible ballet of the great majesty of his creation take place above me. The gift of grace almost has new meaning as you see the powerful grace present in the flight of an Eagle. Two different meanings of the same word, and yet they both seem to transcend each other in a single moment. I think I could have sat there all night had the word hypothermia not been a very real concern by the time I left (I may be exaggerating a bit there).
A couple of weeks ago I also got another step toward ordination out of the way as I took the Bible Content Exam required by the Presbyterian Church. While I won't know the official results of the test for probably another month, I'm pretty confident that I did ok on it. I took the question sheet and sat down with some friends following the test and we went over each answer on the test. I won't say what I think my score is, but it is well above the passing level.
Last week and this week I have been responsible for leading the discussion in my spiritual formation group here. Last week our topic was on the discipline of hospitality. I king of laughed at my volunteering for this topic because I don't normally feel very hospitable. I know some people who are the greatest host's in the world, who are thinking of their guests constantly. After our discussion though, I don't know if I have more work to do toward being hospitable, or accepting one's hospitality. I think it goes back to having that strong American view of independence; of being able to do anything I need to do by myself. I have had such a great deal of hospitality given to me in my life though, and still have problems knowing how to show my gratefulness. I lived with friends in Loveland for 3 weeks last August, and stayed with them again for another 3 weeks in December. They basically set me up with a little basement apartment and gave me free run of their house. I think I thanked them every bit I could, but I still feel a need to try and pay them back. Tonight I got home from my meeting and realized that my bread in the pantry was all moldy. I called my girlfriend and asked if I could take her up on an offer for some dinner. I went over, chatted with her a little while I ate her food, and then left. In a sense I really felt like a freeloader doing that. In his Grace, God has justified me by Faith in him. Without this incredible gift and act of hospitality I would be lost. I don't deserve it, and wish that I could pay it back, but I will never be able to. All three of these are various acts of hospitality offered in my life that sometimes I just need be willing to accept as a gift and say Thank You.

Bring on spring

2007-01-28T13:37:00.000-06:00

Well, I guess I did actually make it through Greek II. It didn't kill me, but I think I will be glad for a bit of a break from that language for at least a little while. (I will have to translate a few sentences a week during my NT class to keep fresh). I managed to pull an ok grade in it as well, so I guess life is happy. Spring term starts Tuesday, and remarkably enough I'm pretty jazzed to get started. I enjoyed my classes last term, and unlike some of my friends, I don't I really went through much of a burnout period. I really think it helps that I was out of school for about seven years before coming back. While it took me some time to get adjusted to being a student again, it also was nice being refreshed to come in. This semester I'll be taking a NT introduction class, Church History from the reformation age to modern time. I'm taking a mission and evangelism class, and Pastoral Care as well as a Presbyterian Polity class. The polity class may be the only one that I'm not looking forward to that much (let's face it, it's just telling me how to run meetings, and who enters into ministry because they like to attend meetings)? I'm also excited to be able to use my new laptop for classes this semester.
Right now I'm also in the process of applying for an internship position at a church. I don't know how many people are going to be applying for this position, but I don't think there will be all that many that do. It's a different time for a position to be opening, and the church is not all that close, so there would be a bit of a weekly drive if I do indeed get it. It would solve two of my biggest problems if I do get the position though. I would have an avenue to gain some practical experience in a local congregation, and I would have a little bit of an income; both good things.
My question over the past week has gone something like, how does one become less human. Ok, so that's a confusing and loaded way to phrase a question, but it's framed in the manner of how does one battle the sinfulness of human nature that surfaces constantly in our lives. One of my good friends recently graduated from law school. His explanations of school often centered on where people placed in their class (i.e. first, second, top 10 percent). The class literally is designed in a way that people compete with each other to be better then the person who sits next to them. I like seminary in that it's not designed in such a cut-throat manner. It's much easier to try and make sure that as a class mate you help everybody to succeed to their fullest here and it's encouraged. I like that, but at the same time I sometimes wonder if I'm more wired (and society in general) for the law school model. I have a major competitive streak in me. When my friends and I get together, everything is a competition. Shows that I would never watch on TV, I will when they make it into a competition (i.e. Iron Chef, how else can one watch a cooking show?) I look over shoulders to see the grades of friends at times, and get jealous when I see they did better then me. When a friend was recognized by the faculty here recently, I was happy for him, but at the same time jealous. Why wasn't that me? What did I have to do to be better then that friend? I don't like feeling like this.
Of course the answer to my question of how does one quash sinful desires centers on giving them over to God. I did a terrible job of staying disciplined in my prayer and study life over the past semester, and particularly over January. As I came up with this question, I decided it was time to pick up the bible again, and at a friend’s recommendation two months ago, I've started to read in Ecclesiastes. "Vanity of vanities! All is vanity!" (from 1:2) I like this book and its study in wisdom. Most of all I find peace in the message from the first half of the book that it is best to find happiness and contentment in what you are given, then to try and take everything you can.
I'm still far from the most disciplined person I know, but I'm finding satisfaction at working toward being a better person and disciple of Christ.

J-Term musings

2007-01-17T17:38:00.000-06:00

January term is here, and I think I have convinced myself that Greek II is going to really and truly kill me. Well, maybe not kill me, but sitting in a classroom for three hours a day translating Greek, followed by another three hours or so translating Greek for homework has convinced me that I am never going to be an academic scholar of the Greek New Testament. I do have an appreciation of the importance of learning Greek to help understand the nuances of scripture, but I'm remembering why I dropped Spanish in high school and then again in college. Foreign languages are just plain difficult, and well, foreign to me.
It's been pretty cold here the last few days, but I guess it has been all over the country. I do love the cold, but I wish I was able to get out a little bit more. Cabin fever has begun to set in, and I'm starting to hang things up on my walls, just to add color to the ever-present white. Beer labels, photos, maps, clothing labels, license plates everything is fair game. In another 4 months I will have to take it all down again and start boxing things up, but I can deal with that.
I'm starting to think about what I need to do to find an internship at a church up here. I met over the break with a counselor who did my psych exam, and he and others are really recommending that I do something over a longer period of time, as opposed to just a summer internship, because of my lack of practical church experience. They think I should stay at a church long enough to get some honest feedback. I agree with what they are saying, so I'm beginning to look. I don't really know what to expect from anything, and some of the positions I'm looking at are a little intimidating, but I guess you only live once. The idea of being in charge of a church for a month while the pastor is on vacation may be challenging though, especially if a member passes away. I guess that's why I should keep praying.
I came into seminary not sure of what type of ministry I would eventually be called to. I still have no clue what my exact future holds for me, but I have really started to have some strong feelings toward family ministry. It was a product Group produces that has led me down this road, and while the product isn't always the strongest, the idea behind it is solid. The idea is that if members of a family all were to study the same scriptures each week, and discuss the same basic topics in ways appropriate to their age, then those ideas can help lead to understanding and discussion in the home. Let's face it; the church is only able to directly influence a person for an hour or two each week, while the family influences its members for at least a few hours each day, probably more. Is it effective for the church to just try and teach a lesson at church each week, without equipping parents, kids, youth and seniors to take those lessons and live them out with each other every day of the week? Can we apply these lessons to real life, and then expect families to work through this daily, instead of only Sundays, or Wednesday night. All this leads to way more questions then anything. How do you get everybody on the same page? Whose responsibility is it, and how do you organize between all the different programs in the church? Is this even feasible? Can you expect more out of people? The questions go on and on and on. I don't have the answers, but I'm really looking at exploring this topic more in depth with some independent studies I think.
On a happy topic, I have my new laptop. I got a nice deal on a Dell Inspiron with a 14 inch screen. I really needed this to help with notes for lectures and studying at the library. My handwriting is very slow and messy, and I think friends were getting a little tired of always lending me their notes they took on their computers. It's amazing that nobody had laptops when I was in my undergrad program just 6 years ago, and now over half of my class uses them. I really am getting old I guess. Oh well, older men just get more distinguished I've been told.
Well, life rolls on in its crazy, sometimes stressful, always fun, avalanche type way. I sometimes feel like I'm being swallowed by the flow, but I always seem to come out on top with God's help. I'm sure this stage of my life is going to be no different.

No place like home.

2007-01-03T21:39:00.000-06:00

Sometimes there is no place like home! That goes for both aspects of how I am feeling at the moment. There is no place like Colorado, where I have so many friends, family and just happy memories. There is also nothing like sleeping in your own bed, even if that bed happens to be almost a thousand miles away from where you grew up. It’s good to be back in Iowa.
My trip back to Colorado was definitely needed, and I must say I had quite a few fun adventures while I was there to boot. The drive out was a great time; it’s nice to have a friend along to make the 13 hour commute entertaining. Between some great conversation, music, and episodes of the Office on the Ipod, it was a quick and fun trip. The drive was highlighted by an amazing sunset that I managed to snap a photo of while doing about 85 down the freeway. I love digital cameras.
The second night I was back the youth program at Mountain View put on their annual Live Nativity Scene. Because of the snow (I’ll cover that later) I wasn’t able to spend any more time with the youth group, so this was my only chance to see them all. It was fun for me to get to stop in and say hi to many of the youth. I really do miss being a part of that group on a weekly basis, but I really do enjoy the occasions I have to drop in a say hello. I also question whether I will ever get used to seeing a live camel on church grounds, but I digress.
I had heard that Colorado might get some snow when I was there, but I really didn’t expect quite as much as we got. I have a history of experiencing blizzards when I get together with my friend Angie, so I guess I should have known we were going to get hammered when she called me Wednesday morning with the plea that I was the only friend she had crazy enough to try and get her to the airport to see her dad in Ohio for Christmas. Sure enough, I was crazy enough to try. The normally hour long drive to the airport turned into about a 2 hour drive on the way out with the road to the airport being a complete and total mess. It was about all I could do to stay on the road. Being that her flight was still on when I dropped her off, I decided to drive back home before the roads became too bad. Turning off my phone to save the battery in case I did need the phone on the drive back, I of course missed her calling to say that her flight got cancelled about 5 minutes after I left the airport. She managed to find a different way home, but I feel bad leaving her behind like that. As it was the drive doubled on the way home as it took me over four hours to make it. I found out when I finally got to my friends hotel, er I mean house, that about ten minutes after I made it to the interstate they had closed it behind me. I had to stop twice in the middle of the packed interstate to clear all the ice off my wipers on the way home, but that’s ok because traffic was pretty much at a standstill with it being impossible to tell where the lanes were. It was one adventure I will not soon forget. Overall, this storm dropped about two and a half feet of the white stuff on the Front Range.
On the twenty third, I drove up to Colorado Springs to celebrate Christmas with my Dad’s family. I have always loved having Christmas at my Grandma’s house. Tradition on this side of the family is a basic free for all which really fits my personality. Take forty people, enough snack style food to feed twice that many, and put it in a house that fits only about half that many and you have Christmas at Grandma’s. This year was a truly great year as almost everybody was there. Of her 11 grandchildren, 10 made it; that makes for a truly joyful time, and a happy Grandma. For me the highlight was being able to see my brother who after missing his first flight, made it in from Spokane, Washington. He may be the craziest person I ever meet, but you gotta love the kid. (I will pay someday for calling him that).
My trip back home wasn’t all just for pleasure though. I did get some work done while I was out there as well. Following Christmas as my Dad’s, I met with a pastor at Boulder First Pres for my psych evaluation. I didn’t hear anything that was really unexpected at this time, but it was nice having somebody complete an evaluation that seemed positive toward what I’m trying to accomplish. I know ministry is always going to present challenges, but more and more experiences I have seem to indicate that others think I may have the traits to serve me well at this endeavor. I also was able to meet with the session of Mountain View during the second major snowstorm to hit when I was there. After sitting through probably the most contentious session meeting I have ever attended (budget issues), they asked me a few questions and recommended me unanimously to Presbytery to be enrolled as a Candidate for ministry (from the Inquirer status). I will meet with that committee in May.
Being snowed in so much while I was in Loveland; we spent a lot of time stuck indoors playing video games. I don’t spend a lot of time doing this normally, but its great fun occasionally. It’s even more fun when you have no chance of going anywhere unless you can take a few hours to dig your car out, and the house you are at has no TV setup. It was relaxing to spend upwards of eight hours playing football on the PS2.
The last fun thing I was able to do was attend the Denver Nuggets basketball game on the 31st with Joe, Dave and his girlfriend. I had part of a ten game package last year, and I really have missed being able to hang out with friends at the Pepsi Center this year. It was a chance to watch AI play in Denver, and even though they lost I loved going. It was a tough sports night in Denver, as both the Nuggets and Broncos lost. Losing was put into perspective quickly the next morning though with the murder of one of the Broncos players over New Years. It really made me feel a bit guilty about being upset about the simple loss of a football game.
Like I said it was quite the trip home to Colorado. Like I said, it’s good to be home here in Iowa.

The beauty around us

2006-12-11T19:12:00.000-06:00

Only two more days, and then the worst is over. I should be writing my 10 page Presbyterian Confessions commentary on my statement of faith, based on the confessions. I should be studying for my Church History final on Wednesday morning as well. I should be editing my 20 pages of Worship papers that I need to turn in by Thursday. Everything is due, and true to my nature, I've procrastinated till the end, and now my stress levels are up. I'm sure that I will get everything done, but I seem to be growing an attachment to my computer over the last couple of days. I can't seem to get away. The countdown is on to Thursday night where I get to reward myself with a few beers out on the town, and Friday morning where I get to hop in my car for the road trip home. One piece of advice I do give to everybody though. Don't ever get to busy to appreciate the true beauty that is around you.

To laugh or cry?

2006-12-01T17:43:00.000-06:00

I'm laughing to myself right now, but I almost feel like I should be crying instead. Two articles about the season caught my attention today online, coincidently right next to each other.
It is that time of year. It's that time of year when over our radio's we hear nonstop songs about the Christmas season, with visions of bells ringing, and trees glowing, and families gathered together for a season of joy. I'm not a big fan of Christmas songs myself having had to listen to them nonstop for twelve hour shifts when working retail for a few years, but I don't dislike the message that they bring and I understand why so many people really love them. I had to pause at one of the stories that I read though, and reflect a little bit on the true meaning of the holiday. According to the article, of the top 25 Christmas songs played on the radio over the last five years, only one was really a religious carol; Little Drummer Boy. The songs that top the charts are songs such as The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire) (#1), Santa Claus Is Coming to Town (#4), or Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow (#6). All of these songs have a very warming Christmas message, and bring good feeling to our hearts, but all miss the original point of the holiday, the birth of our Lord and Savior. There would not be a holiday where we all gather around a tree, open presents brought to us by Santa Clause, and eat a big holiday meal had Christ not been born. Yet for many people in the world today, the meaning of Christmas is just that, Santa Clause and Christmas trees. Christ makes the list once in these holiday songs, while Santa makes it four times, and Rudolph the Red nose Reindeer scores a song too. We get barraged by ads on the television talking about all the sales due to the gifts that we need to buy, and Santa shows up everywhere, and it's getting earlier and earlier every year now. Now again don't get me wrong, I’m not saying that I want to do away with the merry fat man. I like Santa, and if I ever have kids I'm not going to rob them of that Christmas mystery. I will however also teach them the real meaning of the holiday.
The second article I read is the one that really makes me both laugh and want to cry though. It also makes the point of my first argument above, that the holiday is no longer about Christ. The headline reads "Santa Claus Deemed Too 'Religious' for School Fundraiser". The article goes on to say:

A Christmas-themed event to raise money at a public elementary school in Warwick, N.Y., has been altered to accommodate a parent's complaints that the program would illegally spotlight a "religious" figure - Santa Claus.

My question is this; how is Santa a religious figure? I have yet to go to church and hear a Christmas sermon that links Santa with the birth of Jesus some 2000 years ago, give or take. I have heard plenty of sermons that warn about the secularization of the holiday. That is precisely what Santa Clause is, a secular symbol that lets people have fun on this officially Christian, but in real life very secular holiday. I will concede the point that Santa comes from Saint Nicholas, a Catholic saint know for giving gifts, but still that is not the point of the holiday. To be quite honest I am almost a little offended that Santa is being banned as a religious figure, not because yet another school board is on a crusade to crush anything remotely "Christian" in school, but that they are linking my celebration of the holy birth to a secular symbol. I am offended that with so many issues in the world, this one has to be fought. I don't have an opinion either way on this argument. I understand that if the whole event was proclaiming the birth of Christ, it would need to be changed, and I won't argue that point. I will argue that if a children’s program sings a song like Silent Night, it does not need to be changed. A song here and there to explain what different cultures and religions celebrate is not wrong in school. I remember singing the dreidel song when I was younger, and never once was that an issue. This is a whole different debate that I don't want to get into at the moment however. I guess I just don't know whether to laugh or cry at the absurdity of this fight over how much religion is allowed in school, and that it now centers over a secular product that should not be attached to religion in the first place.
An addendum: If your looking for the true meaning of Christmas, instead of the over commercialized I recommend going to see the nativity story. I went with a group of five friends tonight and the movie was very good. As with any Christian movie, there will probably be a large chunk of people that like it, and many that don't, but for me the story was good and the symbolism was amazing all through the movie.

It's amazing how much can change in one year. I started blogging just over a year ago. One year ago today was my very last day at Group. I was determined to put myself where I am now, but I was also frightend, and a little bitter. Now I am somewhere where God has put me and loving it. The countdown for this semester is on as well. I have only two more weeks left of school this semester. Next week is the last week of classes, and then finals week. Look out Colorado here I come! I also ask that prayers go out to my Grandma who is in the hospital right now. Later!

Too comfortable?

2006-11-26T20:53:00.000-06:00

I made a promise for myself when I started Seminary that I would not back down from any challenges that came my way. All during the time leading up to my coming here I took a motto for myself that stated, "There is no growth without leaving your comfort zone." I kept that motto for the first few months that I was here, but I realized today that I have fallen into a nice little comfort zone between classes, friends, church, and really the rest of my life. A few events of the last week have made me realize this, and I have a lot of things coming up now that are getting me excited, and possibly even a little scared.
The first new change for me is I'm going to be staring a new job working at the Myers Library here on campus part time starting tomorrow. I have put off getting a job for quite a while now, but I think I really will like the distraction, and the extra money will defiantly come in handy as well. During the first semester I kept putting off buying a new laptop computer because I didn't want to spend the money with none coming in, but I've realized just how much one will help me in class, and that is the reason I'm here so....
I also received an e-mail from the university telling first year seminary students that there are opportunities for pulpit supply if we want to take advantage of them. My first response was that I wanted to wait until I had a few more classes before I did something like this. After speaking to a friend though, I have decided that I'm going to at least go talk to the person who organizes this and see what they have to say. Just because I don't feel comfortable preaching yet, how will I ever become so if I run out on every opportunity that presents it self. I may not be experienced, but I don't think that pulpit supply churches are looking for perfection. Instead they are looking for energy and authenticity. Just my thoughts, but we will see.
The same person I'm going to talk with about pulpit supply, I also want to speak with about finding an internship position somewhere this summer. I have always said that I want to find a job working at a church during the summer, but not a church that is local. My problem is that I have no idea in the world how to find a position somewhere across the country. I'm hoping that he will be able to point me in the right direction, and that I will be able to find something that will stretch me, and at the same time be a lot of fun.
I really have not put any energy into student council yet, but I also want to get more involved with that, and a good friend and I want to start some sort of bible study on campus. We both love the whole theological education that we are getting, but we have come to realize that with everything that is required, the bible tends to get squeezed out. I have no clue when we will find the time, but I think it's so necessary, so we are going to try and figure out what that is going to look like.
Lastly I'm in the process of trying to get all my paperwork in order so that I can advance from the inquirer process of the Presbyterian Church to the candidacy process. I'm hoping that when I return home for Christmas that I will be able to meet with my presbytery liaison, my church session late notice, and with a gentleman from Boulder in order to fulfill my psychological exam requirements. I also am going to sign up for the first of the Presbyterian Church ordination exams; the bible content exam. I have to sign up in the next couple of weeks, then the test is in February.
I'm really excited for what the future holds, and while it is keeping me busier then I have ever been, I love the challenge.
On a side note, it is about 9:00 in the evening, only a few days from December in Iowa, and it’s raining like crazy. What ever happened to the wonderful white flakes that I’m used to?

A trip to Willow Creek

2006-11-19T00:20:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I really do take a lot of the things I have for granted. I complain about all of the things that I haven't been able to do yet, and all of the places I have yet to see. I don't stop to realize and thank God for all of the amazing things that I have been able to do in my life.
This last summer I was able to attend a worship service at Lakewood Church in Houston Texas while on a mission trip with the Mountain View youth group. It was a neat experience to see a church that large, and to feel a community of that size worship God all together. When I worked at Group I had a chart of the top 100 congregations taped to my cubicle just as sort of a fun reference piece, and I got to know of some of the other more influential megachurch congregations and their pastors. I also had the chance, however briefly to cruise by and admire the Crystal Cathedral in Southern California a couple years back.
A little over a year ago, I was feeling a little burned out by the lack of people at my home church back in Colorado. I loved the people at the church, but I wanted something more, something different, something that would allow me to experience worship in a new way. I started going to Timberline Church; a large congregation, with 5000 in attendance week, Assemblies of God Church (with a very very nondenominational feel). While I had attended megachurch programs in the past and been turned off by the simple seeker message, and feeling that everything was a show, this church felt different. I felt God present in my worship for maybe the very first time. Worship became fun, and meaningful. Through my experience I learned that any worship service anywhere can be just as meaningful as well if I let it. It's not about the fancy lights and great music, but instead about how I am in direct communication with God. I am praising and praying to him, but there is also a two way experience where I can feel him move in me as well. This new experience of worship was accentuated when I decided to return to Mountain View and prepare for seminary. Worship became something that became meaningful not only in Sunday worship, but also in the youth program each week. It became something that I truly looked forward to each week. I also began to see worship in other setting and appreciate how other people worship. I went to a service with a friend of mine, and while his church was much more charismatic and Pentecostal in feel, I loved it. I would never want to worship there every week, but watching people worship in a way that was true to them was beautiful. One year earlier I would have felt uncomfortable and unsure in this type of place, but I was completely at ease, and could see the face of Christ in the people present at the moment.
While there were things about Lakewood Church this summer that really turned me off, it also kindled in me a desire to "pilgrimage" to two other large famous churches in this country.
I was able to cross one of those locations off of my list tonight as I was able to attend worship tonight at Willow Creek Community Church in South Barrington Illinois this evening. I have learned that anyplace can give me a true authentic worship experience, but I also know that sometimes when I have a lot going on, a trip to a high energy, lights and sounds type worship can give me a bit of a renewal on life, and can refresh me. With the last few weeks of the semester approaching, I've been feeling the need for this for a little while. It's a three hour drive to Willow Creek, so after eating a late lunch, my roommate Gabriel and I took off on our pilgrimage. The service was both what I expected and needed. I was able to just relax and enjoy worship as an anonymous figure in a large room. I was able to enjoy a simpler message that was thought provoking, but not overly challenging. I was able to feel God present with me. More enjoyable though was being able to watch a pastor who regularly speaks to a church that can seat 1000 in Africa, be blown away by an experience that while refreshing to me, was not unexpected. I tried to prepare him of what to expect by telling him a little about the church, and showing him photos, but his reaction was fun. On the way home, he spoke over and over about how this was a life changing experience for him, and having him thank me for allowing him the opportunity to experience a new way to approach ministry back in his home nation. Something that is, while not the norm, at least normal, was an event to remember for a lifetime for another individual. Like I say, sometimes I really do take things for granted.

Divine Pathos

2006-11-11T22:33:00.000-06:00

The depth of human emotion sometimes just blows me away. Reading what is going on in the lives of some of my friends tonight just goes to show the beauty in the joys and hurt that is life. It's amazing the range of emotions that a person can feel in just a short amount of time, just remembering parts of their own life.

Joy - One of the things that I like to question people about on occasion asks; "Describe a night/day that was just perfect. A time when the stars aligned just right in the sky and everything was so perfect that you will never forget that time as long as you live!" I think everybody has an event like that in their life, in fact most have many. It may be a night a new relationship started, or the day of a wedding. It may be a special trip or adventure. It may be something as simple as a night out on the town that was extra special. For me the night I like to remember as just being full of unbridled joy was a night in Chicago with a bunch of friends I really didn't know that well at a dueling piano bar. It was a night I had no cares in the world, a few to many drinks, and more laughs then I can explain.

Sadness/Loneliness - A friend of mine recently experienced a loss, and is hurting right now. As high as somebody can be with Joy, they can feel just the opposite with pain, sadness, loneliness and despair. There are many things that can make people feel this low in life. Deaths, a difficult breakup, failure at something, even just a few unkind words. In my life I have known two people who I spent time with on a daily basis feel these feeling so deeply that they choose to end it by taking their own lives. I can't say that I will ever understand these emotions to that extreme, but I have experienced hurt. I know what it is like to be in the room with somebody, and feel more alone then I have in my life. I know the pain of losing somebody very close to me.

Excitement - This feeling is similar to joy, but it speaks of unfulfilled promise. It's looking forward to something that has the potential to change a life. It's possibility about to be fulfilled. With this emotion I think about the bride looking forward to the words "I do." It's the high school senior waiting to be handed the piece of paper that signifies four years of achievement. Think hard and I'm sure you can remember a time of sheer excitement. Not knowing just what to expect, but ready for it with all your heart. I was so incredibly excited years ago as I was promoted to management in the company I worked at. The promotion meant moving for the first time out of Colorado, to Indiana. The newspaper headline for one of the major Denver newspapers the day I packed up what I needed into my car and headed off to Fort Wayne said it best as it was reporting the death of a longtime Denver journalist; "Goodbye Colorado."

Fear - This is one of the most primitive of human emotions, and not one easily forgotten. We hear a lot about this emotion these days as we turn on our televisions and listen to the latest news regarding terrorism in the world. Terror or fear is a powerful weapon, so strong can this emotion be. Fear can be paralyzing at times, and can push us into action into others. Both requiring no thought. It can be dumb things that prompt fear. I am afraid of snakes. The other day Ty and I were walking near the Mississippi river and came across a tiny gardner snake. I knew there was nothing to fear at all with such a small creature, but as soon as it crawled toward my shoe, without even thinking, I jumped away with a fright. Fear can also be deeper then just a quick emotion though. I remember going camping with a friend when I was little. We went fishing with his family and as we were going from one spot to another I decided to head back to the campground. I was pointed up the road were camping on, but somehow got off the road somehow. I was probably lost for only a few minutes, but it seemed like hours to me having heard what can happen to kids who get lost in the mountains.

I could really write for hours there are so many different emotions that bring us to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Emotion is the real, raw, powerful, force that makes us human, and makes life worth living.

We were discussing in my Old Testament class the other day the work of Abraham Joshua Heschel and his theory of Divine Pathos. Pathos comes from the Greek πάσχειν, meaning "to suffer" or emotion. The key to this theory is that God feels emotion; that God cares. God is intimately involved with human life and as such infinitely more sensitive then we are. As we feel joy, God feels it infinitely more. As we feel pain, again God feels it infinitely more. Scripture shows the emotion of Christ very simply and strikingly in John 11:35. "Jesus wept." There is a lot more to the theory of Divine Pathos, but for my purpose tonight all I can say is I like the idea of a God who feels emotion. It blows my mind the range of emotion that I can feel just watching a movie, or surfing the internet reading all my friends blogs. I can't even comprehend God feeling infinitely more then I can, but while it may not be understood, it definitely comforts. God cares, and he understands.

A good Story

2006-11-10T20:32:00.000-06:00

I used to think that I would never be able to go to a movie at the theater by myself. I think a lot of people feel that way. I remember going alone for the first time and thinking that everybody in the theater was looking at me because I was the lame guy sitting alone with no friends to hang out with. There is something very liberating for me when I go to movies alone now. It's a sense of independence that I really enjoy. Going to movies for me is a complete escape from reality if only for a couple of hours. Once the trailers start, anything that was on my mind beforehand just turns off. I can just absorb myself into the world that I see on the screen, and put myself into the thoughts and the emotions of the characters portrayed in motion picture. When I was told that I would be losing my job at Group, they sent me home early for the day to think about if I wanted to continue to work out the month. I didn't go home, but went to a movie. When I have a lot on my mind and feel stressed, I go to the movies. Call it therapy in surround sound. When I go to movies with friends I still do get involved in the movie, but in a sense I take a piece of reality into the world of the movie with me. It's an escape, but just a small thread separates me from the real world.
For me stories are a powerful thing. They get my mind racing like nothing else on this earth. I like stories in books and on screen that focus not necessarily on action, or drama, or comedy. I like them all, but a story that touches me has real human emotion in it. I like seeing the characters, with feelings and flaws that could be real. I like to see my experience in the story on the screen. I like to see friendships that look real; relationships build not on sex but on joy and happiness. I like to see difficult decisions where there is not always a right choice. The movie industry in the United States is huge business, which leads me to guess that I'm not alone in this love for a good story.
It's easy to see why Jesus did so much of his teaching by telling stories. If there is one thing that I'm learning in my Church History class, it's that the old saying really does hold true. "The more things/people change, the more they stay the same." People have always enjoyed stories and it's what people talk about. I used to laugh as I sat in my cubicle at Group as my coworkers would gather around and chat about the last week’s episode of "24". When I was younger and in college it was the first few years of Friends that we would talk about. As a human race, we are fascinated by the stories we hear whether they are true or not. I can picture people in bible times not talking about the lecture they heard Jesus give, but repeating the story he told. Lectures contain facts, but stories contain human emotion embracing the facts.
On the way home tonight I was thinking. I don't think I can remember a single sermon that I have heard in my life. I can't think of a single one that I can point to the scripture that was read and the entire message. I can on the other hand think of many great stories that I have heard in these sermons. I don't remember the scripture, but I can illustrate what was taught by these stories. That's not to say that I have never learned in a sermon. I've heard many many many sermons and the lessons they have taught have sunk in, they just aren't recalled in the same way that I don't remember learning the alphabet, but the lesson was learned. It may just be my A.D.D. talking (I can't prove I have it, but I would place money on the fact) but if a good illustration is told with a sermon I listen and appreciate it, but if the illustration is weak, I tend to tune out.
I also heard a quick report on another movie tonight that was recently released by a church that has turned into a pretty major motion picture. Many of the actors and crew of the movie were members of the church. The pastor of this congregation said that he felt this may be the new mission of the church to reach people through this medium. This is an interesting approach to me. I can't say that I agree with the message I hear from previews of the movie just released. While I believe in the power of prayer, I think it's dangerous to hint that by praying you will get whatever you want, even a football victory. Prayer is more then just asking God for anything you want, and God doesn't run a convenience store where he will provide your every desire. With that tangent over though, what could a Church accomplish by showing the right things. How many people saw Christ’s crucifixion in a real way for the first time by watching the Passion?
It's a lot of different thoughts running around in my head tonight, and as usual this is a better forum for asking questions rather then answering them. I don't think a Church is really a church if they just shoot movies, because it's community with others in the presence of God that makes a church. I don't think that going to movies alone all the time is good; I love to go with friends. I do like movies with bad characters and a bad plot if they are funny. I do however appreciate it most when movies make me think and more importantly make me feel. I do love it when a church message makes me view a picture in my head as opposed to processing facts. Most of all I guess, I just love a good story.
I sat in the library for about three hours today working on practice sentences for Greek. I can't say that I will ever become a big fan of Biblical Greek, but I understand most of the concepts behind the language. I am however very slow at deciphering even the most simple sentences. I'm sure speed will come with time, but I'm looking forward to being able to use a computer program for next year to help me out. I had the most beautiful view while I was working on these sentences today though; it finally snowed big beautiful glorious powdery snowflakes. I love the snow. It reminds me of back home and my favorite time of the year. I wished I had a camera for while it was snowing, because it was a pretty sight to see it come down out the big picture windows in the library.
I'm feeling less stressed this weekend as opposed to last. I got the paper done that I was stressing about then, and for some reason I'm much less worried about my tests this week. After that I will have Thanksgiving break and then a bunch of papers due all at the same time...ouch. I'm starting to feel like I can do this again though. It really is true that seminary can be a constant roller coaster of elation at the thought of a life in ministry, to sheer doubt and terror. It's good though that I'm able to explore all the feelings and realize that I will come out on top in the end.
I've been very poor at keeping in touch with my liaison with the Presbytery committee that oversees candidates for ministry, but he sent me an e-mail this week. We are going to arrange a time to meet for lunch when I'm back in Fort Collins over Christmas. I'm only going to be there a short time, and I'm already getting a pretty full calendar. I'm really starting to look forward to this visit, but it still seems miles away.

October daze

2006-11-06T00:18:00.000-06:00

Over the first couple months of the year I've been told that I was the person that never seemed to worry about school. I didn't stress over papers or tests, and my friends wished that they could find a way to avoid the stress that they felt. Yet even with my apparent lack of concern I did very well. Now it's my friends telling me not to stress. We have hit the point in the year where papers are starting to come due and the second round of exams hit right before Thanksgiving in a couple of weeks. Following that the biggest papers start to be due very quickly and finals follow that. I know I am capable of doing the work, but I worry about finding the time to fit everything in. I am in awe of so many of my classmates who juggle much more in their life then me, and still seem to get everything done, while I seem to struggle to stay on top of everything. In the end, I know things will work out, and that God will see me through, but I have a feeling my stress levels will probably be very high at least until the last day of class before Thanksgiving, and a week off from class to help get caught up.
While I have worked hard this weekend, I've also taken a little bit of time to have some fun. Ty took me home to meet her parents Friday, on our way to a high school performance of the Music Man. Her best friend’s sister played Marion, the female lead, in the production, and she absolutely stole the show. It was a very neat performance.
The previous weekend my Mom visited from Arizona, which gave me a chance to play tour guide and to get to know the town of Dubuque better. I reserved a neat Bed and Breakfast for her to stay at, and the house was simply amazing. They say that most of their clientele are repeat customers and I can see why. Mom has already said that she will stay there every time she comes.
With Dubuque being on the Mississippi river, most of the activities we did centered on or around the river. We spend one afternoon at the National Mississippi River Museum here in town and had a fun time. We also were able to make a quick stop at the Mines of Spain to show her one of my favorite places I've seen so far.
On the Sunday she was here I took her to the church I've been attending here in town. It's a pretty old church that dates back to the 1800's. The founder of the church was also key to founding the seminary program here. It's really different for me to visit churches here that are older then the state I grew up in. Sunday afternoon Mom and I also took a walk on a short river walk that follows the river downtown. It really was a pleasant day for a stroll by the river.
Tuesday was Halloween and that evening I went to a party hosted by a friend living in the south cul-de-sac. My costume was that of a French-man so I shaved the beard I had been growing since the third week here in favor of a mustache to go with the black shirt, leather coat, and beret I wore. It was a fun night and we had a lot of pretty outrageous costumes. Things probably didn’t get any better either as I ended up wearing a mullet wig pretending to play an electric guitar by the end of the night.
Other then that, life has been pretty good. I'm anxious to get some papers and exam results back for a few classes, but I feel good about what I've accomplished so far. I worry that the academic part of things is starting to wear on me, which is something that I promised myself wouldn't happen to me while I was here. I at least am aware of this, and while the work still needs to get done, I am able to deal with it. I'm going to try and do a bit of a jumpstart on my worship life in a couple of weekends. I've been wanting since I've come here to go down to Chicago and attend a worship service at Willow Creek Church. While I know that it is not the type of church I would want to attend every week, I really do find that when I take myself out of something that is comfortable, I learn about worship and what it really means, as well as learn something about myself. I'm looking forward to being able to go.
I've been neglecting my journal lately as well. I do find that getting my feeling out in the open helps me to focus and I guess vent. Journaling was the first of the spiritual disciplines we explored in our groups this year, and I can now see why. I hope to do better.

Happy Birthday to me...

2006-10-12T23:05:00.000-06:00

I have been told recently that it is difficult to take me seriously when I am attempting to have a theological talk with friends while sitting in a bar wearing a small red plastic fireman's hat on backward. I just don't understand....

I guess it has been a long time since I have taken anytime to sit down and write. I have had a lot of different ideas going through my head the last few weeks. I have tried to sit down a few times to try and put those thoughts down on paper, but I just haven't been able to get everything down in a period of time that I can actually sit down and type. My thoughts the past couple of days have centered on the topics of sin and worship.

On the sin front, the question was "What specifically is sin". I was writing a paper on Saint Augustine's Confessions and I was supposed to be writing about his view on sin, but as I was struggling to put the words to his definition I was wrestling with thoughts of if I agreed with him or not. For the moment at least, I think I do agree with him when he say's that sin is not really based on the action, but the intent of the action. If the intent is to please God, and the action is indeed pleasing, then it is not sin. If the action is good, but the intention is not to please God, well then that would be sinful. It's a hard line definition of Sin, but if you agree with the Westminster Catechisms definitions on the chief end of man being to glorify God, then if you are not doing that, wouldn't it be sin?

I don't know if I'm any closer to answering my second question, but at least it's not haunting me at the moment, and I really don't think there is just one answer. My question has been how to do worship in a way that has meaning for families of multiple generations and worship styles. Worship is by definition a chance to interact with God. A chance not to just watch a service, but to take part in the worship, to speak, glorify, listen to, and embrace God. The problem is that I communicate in a way that is very much different then a woman in her retirement years, or a middle age steel worker with a family to raise. How do you structure a worship service that has meaning for everybody in a family, so the whole family can worship in meaning together? I hate seeing so many churches, using so many resources just to split families into separate groups every week.

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me...ect. I'm actually updating this from a hotel lobby in Chicago right now. I have been dating a very sweet girl for the past month or so and she treated me to a very cool birthday today (or yesterday depending how you want to look at it). We drove up to Chicago today and she took me to the Medieval Times. This is a unique version of a medieval dinner theater. We were treated to a very well choreographed tournament of knights, while eating an entire dinner without silverware. It was a very cool time. I'm updating tonight from the lobby of a local Hotel where we got rooms. Thursday night I celebrated with a lot of other friends from seminary. I was supposed to go out to dinner, but wasn't able to make it when I figured out at the last minute that I had to work. I missed that, but I did have everybody over to my house for poker after I got off work. We had about 14 people hanging out playing cards at my place till about midnight that night.

That's the second time in as many weeks that we did something like that in a large group. The fireman conversation came when a similar size group of us drove out to Galena, Illinois where the spouse of one of my friends worked. It was definitely a time to remember.

Last week was reading week at the school, which meant no classes. It was a much needed time to get caught up on all the reading that I was way behind on. I'm still not completely caught up, but I'm in better shape. The week went to quickly though, as I had a few papers due this week, as well as a grueling midterm exam for church history. I think I did well, but I'm glad it's over.

All in all, life has been very good to me and I thank God everyday. I found out this week that Group laid off another 22 people recently just a year after I was let go. A year ago I though that I could never be in a better place then were I was there, but God has a way of surprising us. I do ask that you keep those people that lost their jobs in your prayers though as many were friends of mine. As I keep finding out; prayers are truly a blessing.

Greek, groups, fun and fall

2006-10-03T20:52:00.000-06:00

At the moment I'm not sure whether to celebrate that fall is here, or lament that summer has not yet left. The last few days here in Dubuque have been beautiful with the leaves turning the incredible shades of gold that they do. You can no longer see many of the sidewalks on campus as they are covered by this golden snow-like layer of foliage. Now I just want the temperature to change. A few weeks ago it was a little cooler here in town and I loved it. I even wore jeans a couple of days. That seems to have past as it has been in the 90's the last couple of days. I find myself sleeping in the hottest room in the house, and at the moment, its 9:30 at night, I am sweating just sitting in my room. Augh.
When I was working at Group Publishing, I had a group of four friends that had started at the same time, about a year before I did. As the story goes, this group traveled from training session to training session as a big large group, thus earning them the moniker "The Herd." I almost feel that a group of friends I hang out with here could have the same name applied to it. We are all first year students and for the most part, we all have the same schedule. We are all younger, in fact I'm the second oldest in the group, and for the most part we all live in the seminary townhouses. It's funny to see us all travel in a pack from class to chapel, and back to classes each day. I've heard comments from others in the seminary that's it's an unusual group that we have in that sense, and sometimes I worry that we may be seen as just a big clique, but I don't think we act that way. It's been nice getting together for things such as a Greek study group with everybody and having upwards of 8 to 10 people show up. I am impressed by the intelligence of everybody in the group, and they have the ability to keep me on my toes. I'm really looking forward to spending the next few years with everybody.
I've also enjoyed getting to know the city better as well. Dubuque is really a pretty city, even if you get a workout from all the hills. I've been walking with a friend and we have had a great time with many paths that overlook the Mississippi River. It really is a beautiful sight seeing the river in fall, or in the evening with the lights of the city reflecting in the water.
Last week I was able to participate in a chapel service, and had a good experience. My roommate was asked to deliver the message that day as an international student, and he asked me to be his liturgist. I found out a couple of days before the service that I really wasn't supposed to be participating until I finished a class I'm taking, but that they bend that rule quite often. I have never been in charge of actually writing out and planning what goes on in service, and it was a little stressful for me at first. In the end it wasn't a big deal, and I had some friends help me out. After chapel was over I had a friend of mine approach me and tell me that I was going to be a great preacher. I really hope that is true, but it's always nice to be affirmed by somebody else when you don't expect it.
I also intervened for a short term job here on campus last week, and got it. It's for the campus phoneathon, which basically means its back to making a ton of phone calls for me in order to raise money for the university. I've done the phone thing before, and I'm sure I will well. I'm just thrilled that it's only a few nights a week for a few hours each. I don't think I could do phone's full time anymore.
I have my first Greek test Thursday morning, and have been studying quite a bit for it, but I don't think I'm too nervous. I still have to memorize some noun endings, but I'm pretty confident I will do ok on the test, even if I lose my current 100 percent in the class. Next week is reading week, and I'm looking forward to not having any classes. It will be good to have an opportunity to get caught up with some reading, prepare for some midterms, and write a couple of papers. I'm also going to be able to do some fun things. Sunday I'm going to Wisconsin to see a friend of mine preach, and Tuesday I'm going to Illinois with a group to meet my roommate’s wife, have diner, and maybe hit a haunted house. Should be a fun week.

Response to news.

2006-09-28T16:40:00.000-06:00

I'm upset. I have just finished a long week of school that saw many positive things happen this week. I am looking forward to a few days rest mixed with some reading, and maybe a bit more reading, but mostly rest, but I'm irked. I sat down to express all the positive things that are happening in my life, but now some confusion sets in.

Everybody experiences those news events that shape your life, and redefine your culture. Most people in my grandparent’s generation can tell you exactly where they were when they heard about the bombing of Pearl Harbor. For my parents generation, they can tell you exactly what they were doing when they heard that President Kennedy, and later Reagan were shot. My similar memories include three. The most obvious is I will never forget where I was when I turned on the television to see a jet fly into the twin towers. My second memory is when I was much younger and was told by my fourth grade teacher that the shuttle Challenger had exploded on takeoff. I also have one more such memory. I will never forget sitting in my car trying to turn right onto Laurel Ave as I turned on my radio and heard that there were gunmen reported in Columbine High School.

I never knew anybody in the school at Columbine, but it was a school I was very familiar with having lived in Colorado most of my life. I have also known a lot of people who did know people who were in the school at the time, and even more importantly, somebody who visited the school that very morning to have lunch with a former teacher of his. He had lunch with Dave Sanders, the teacher who was killed.

I'm upset because as I sat down to do some journaling I read that there has been yet another school shooting in the state that I love, in a city that again I know. Like last time I don't know anybody at the school, but I do know friends who grew up there and are associated with the city. Again there may be friends of mine affected.

A few weeks ago there was a shooting of a young boy in a city near Dubuque. A few students in the seminary program here are pastors, or student pastors in that area, and they were called in to help with counseling the community. Looking back on school shootings, there is always a pattern where police are questioned and blamed for not doing the right thing. Blame is placed on people, who regardless of if they could have some something differently, did something to the best of their ability out of a love for humankind in trying to make a difference. As a pastor I think people step into that same kind of spotlight for criticism. They do what they do out of a love of God and other people (see Mat 22:37-40) but what if they do or say something wrong. I don't know if I could ever have answers for what happens in this school. I question why things like this happen myself, and wonder at how free will versus Gods providence relate. Someday I hope to be able to answer those questions myself, let along guide others in that same search. I am at awe of those who can step into these situations and make a difference, and maybe someday I will to, but for now all I can do is ask for prayers for not only the victims of this tragedy, but also for those who are there trying to make a difference in the lives of the victims.

There is something spiritual...

2006-09-22T15:14:00.000-06:00

Lord,
There is something spiritual to be able to climb a tree. A chance to get back to a simpler time. To be able to become one with your wonderful creation and to observe and participate in your truly alive world. I hear the locust in the field and the birds chirping. Different kinds of birds, some with longer lower pitched tones and others are higher and shorter pitched. I hear the squirrel as he jumps from branch to branch and wonder at his ability and faith as he throws himself into the void. I feel the breeze as it blows on the back of my neck and with and listen as it moves effortlessly through the trees causing them to shift and sway. The bark is rough beneath me, but I feel the soft and squishiness of the moss and lichens. I see where they have stained the paper I write on. In the distance I hear life going on around me, but here it is slowed down and I can listen. I can reflect on your creation and how thankful I am to be counted among it. Instead of telling you what I want and need, I can let you tell me. There are many parts to prayer and conversation with you, but I always forget that conversation goes two ways.

Thank You Lord.

Lord,
There is something spiritual to be able to stroll through a cemetery. A chance to reflect on those that came before me. To contemplate on their role in your story and mine. To realize that each one was loved by family, friend, and by you. I see the stones and look at the dates inscribed in them. Many lived on this earth long before me, my parents, or even grandparents were born. They are still a part of my Christian heritage. Some of the names say Mother, Father, Wife, Husband and the stones are faded as their loved ones have joined them in your glory. Many people fear a cemetery as a scary place, but I see it as a loving and alive place. A place with a million stories about you, and maybe even me.

Thank You Lord.

Lord,
There is something spiritual to be able to take a nighttime stroll through a solitary field, listening to music that praises you. A chance to feel in your presence and spread my arms out as far as I can. To sing out loud at the top of my lungs, and know that you are the only person that can hear my prayer. My walk was a long one as I could feel the light drizzle on my skin, and feel the wetness of the grass soak through my shoes and jeans. It was a starless, moonless night, and yet I could see everything so perfectly in the field. I was up on a hill looking over the lights off in the distance a few miles away. I was able to just concentrate on praising you, Lord, with no worries about reading, or papers, or money on my mind. As I sing to the heavens and spin around with my arms spread wide, I know you are with me.

Thank You Lord.

Lord,

There is something spiritual about a retreat. A chance to pull over from the journey of life. To refresh and renew myself. To be able to pull out my “map” and see where I have been, and recheck where I am going.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU LORD!

The Journey

2006-09-20T19:51:00.000-06:00

I knew this day would come when I moved here to Iowa. Today was a beautiful day, it was that perfect temperature where you decide to wear a long sleeve shirt, but feel nice and warm outside. In the evening it has just that little nip in the air, but the cool air just feels so good as you breathe it in. It was just the kind of night that I used to love most in Colorado. If I was home tonight I would have hopped in my car and taken a nice scenic drive up to Rocky Mountain National Park, or possibly Pinewood Reservoir. I would have gotten out of my car, turned off all the lights, and laid down on the hood of my car to gaze up at the stars in the solitude of the mountains I love. Instead I'm making flash cards for my Greek class tomorrow.
Today was a long day for me. I completed my first pseudo all nighter last night by going to bed at midnight, but getting up today at 4:30 to complete a paper for class. I think a lot of people are feeling tired today as well though. After chapel today a group including me and seven other friends were standing around and we were all quiet; no talking just standing around. Normally these friends are like me, you can't get us to shut up, not today. I normally love a good question or difficult topic to think about. Maybe for the first time in my life, I don't want to think for 12 hours or so.
Our Spiritual Formation Class today spoke about how today we don't stop to enjoy the journey, but instead race from destination to destination. Christ on the other hand accomplished his entire earthly ministry on the way to his destination. I have some newlywed friends who are going to drop some classes tomorrow most likely, for this reason. They are finding it difficult to do homework, classes, jobs, and other responsibilities as well as take time to enjoy each other in the first year of their marriage. Seminary is not a destination, it's a journey and one to be cherished and enjoyed. I'm making a pledge to myself to not let myself become burned out on the whole academic side of things, but to enjoy my journey as well. I'm going to enjoy the little things and not always focus on the big. Today was a great joy, with the weather so nice, me and two friends before lunch just found a big patch of grass at Westminster Presbyterian Church and just laid down on our backs and chatted for a while. No stresses, no worries, no cares, just nice relaxing conversation. I liked that. Tomorrow I'm going on a retreat with many others in the seminary. The topic of the retreat is going to be prayer; something else that I have probably been neglecting in my life. It's going to be a good weekend to get a few things back on track.
The other day we did an exercise in class where we were to focus on a word or phrase as a piece of scripture was read in class. The phrase that struck a chord with me was "give thanks" which was ironic as it was mentioned once and stuck with me, but then was repeated in the text later on as well. I was reflecting on that today, and I realized that it is very easy for me to give thanks about all of the wonderful things that have happened to me here. I give thanks everyday for the great people and wonderful community. I need to take time and give thanks for the difficult things as well. It is all meant to help prepare me, even though it sometimes is difficult and tough to appreciate at the time.

Lord, thank you.
Thank you for the journey you have called me to embark on. Help to enjoy the wondrous sights, smells, scents, and other wonders of this trip instead of focusing solely on the road ahead. Help me to not try and travel the road so fast that I miss your signs on the side of the road in my haste. Help me to be a considerate driver that everybody traveling the same road as me can benefit from my presence and me theirs. Lord, every long journey will encounter storms where the road gets treacherous. Help me to keep my car on the road, and help me to realize when sometimes it's just time to pull off for a quick rest. Bless this trip Lord and while I look forward to the destination, let me remember the journey just as much.
In your holy name Lord, Amen.

Heroes

2006-09-16T21:44:00.000-06:00

I found out on Wednesday at about 7:00 that is was my roommate Samuel's birthday. Let me tell you, when you live with somebody and don't even realize that it's their birthday, and somebody else has to tell you that it is, you feel a bit like a schmuck. Not that anybody was holding it over my head, but I made up for it today and took him out for a real honest to God, down-home cooking, American style feast......ok so I took him to Red Robin, but that's good American food in my book. There were six of us that went, and we had a pretty good time. I ordered him a true American classic, the bacon cheeseburger with the Red Robin bottomless french fries, which I had as well. I think he was confused when I asked the waitress if it mattered if his birthday was a couple days ago not knowing what I had in store for him, but he said he was honored when the wait staff presented him with a free sundae and sang him happy birthday for his 21st birthday. He was a little confused with that though when he had just told them he was 36. It's been a lot of fun introducing him to cooking, american style football, and beer. Oops did I say that?
I've also discovered a pretty cool place to go hike here in Dubuque. I went the other night with a friend on campus to a place called the Mines of Spain. I saw the sign driving in but just figured that it was a cheesy tourist trap type place. Turns out that it's a great big park on the river with some great hiking trails in the hills, and some pretty cool benches that overlook the river. It's a great view of the city and river in the evening too. I miss the mountains to walk in greatly, but it's nice to find a new hidey hole here that I can escape to on occasion and get away.
I never have gotten the chance to describe my trip to Port Author this summer, and I don't have enough time to go into great detail anymore, but I wanted to share one photo I took of some of our kids in action. I was told that it makes them look like heroes, and in my book they really are.

Ganglylove?

2006-09-14T20:11:00.000-06:00

I'm used to getting either stared at, or laughed at when I let people know where to go if they want to read my blog. I gave it a lot of thought before I finally decided to use Ganglylove as my name for everybody to see. The connotations of the name in secular society brings images that cause these strange looks that I get, but there is a reason behind both the name and my choice to use it here.
If you look up gangly in the dictionary, you will see it is defined as awkwardly tall and spindly or ungracefully tall and thin. For good reason I was given the name Gangles in my high school years. I was tall, thin and probably a danger to anybody walking near me. Clumsy is probably also a good word. Ganglylove came about one day as the song Tainted Love was playing on the radio. I was sitting with a group of friends and one of them starts singing along to the song, but instead of using the correct words, the words gangly love are substituted. The name pretty much stuck. I will admit that it has been used for bad reasons in the past as young college guys will do, but as I have grown older I have felt a new meaning to this name in my life.
As Christians we are called to love God and love our neighbors first and foremost in our lives. I would like to think that I have a very loving heart and do a good job of demonstrating this first fruit of the spirit in my life. I also realize that in showing love I am still very gangly in my life. I have known some of the most graceful people in my life. They always know the perfect words to say and just how to connect to somebody who is hurting in this world. That is not me. I say awkward things at times, and I stumble over myself trying to solve problems when I should just be listening. I don't take initiative when I should, and yet sometimes I try to overpower a situation when I need to be gentle. I bring a light hearted and joyfully boisterous presence that will never be called graceful, but is still just as full as love. I'm happy and confident with the love that I show, but I'm also fine with still being that awkward and ungraceful tall and lanky kid in both body and spirit.

Classes, week 1.

2006-09-10T21:26:00.000-06:00

So... one week down with many more to go. The bad news I guess is that I feel that I'm already behind on all of the reading that I need to do for class. The good news is that I finish my first week of seminary feeling very confident in my abilities to accomplish what I came for. I have a very full schedule of classes on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, but no classes (or anything else for that matter) on Monday and Friday. My first class everyday is Greek I. This is the class that I think I have been the most nervous about since day one. In the first week we have learned the Greek alphabet and have already been quizzed over it. There is going to be a lot of work involved in this class, but I really like the instructor and I already know the Greek tutor she has set up as well. I have found my roommate Eric to be a good study partner as well when he is in town. All in all I think I will enjoy this class. After Greek everyday Chapel meets. While this is not mandatory, I made it mandatory for me. It's amazing to be able to take an hour out of each day between classes to devote to worship. It's a great reminder of why I am here, and it ensures that I won't let the daily grind of school turn this experience into just another masters program. After taking my Greek quiz on Thursday, I went into chapel and at the prelude music I closed my eyes and could literally feel every muscle in my body just start to relax and become calm. Tuesdays and Thursdays I follow up on chapel with my Introduction to the Old Testament class. This is probably going to be the class that I like the least, but was probably the one I looked forward to most going in. I really like the instructor of the class; a very spunky older lady, but I have trouble following her lectures in class and I'm not a big fan of her textbook. I don't worry about passing, but I don't think I will look forward to the lectures as much as I will others I have. My third class on both days follows lunch and is Early and Medieval Church History. If OT will be my least favorite class, this will probably be my favorite class. This tends to be a class that a lot of people don't like, but I love the subject matter, and the professor who teaches it is probably the best that I have. It's taught in a lecture hall type setting since every incoming student must take it (all 40ish), but the professor is very organized and puts his notes up on a screen so it's easier for somebody like me to listen and take notes at the same time. I really have enjoyed the textbook for this class as well. The last class on Tuesday and Thursday is Foundations of Worship. The Associate Dean of the seminary is the instructor of this class, and his passion for the subject really shines through in this class. It is going to be a lot of work I think, but I feel that I will really enjoy this class as well. My other two classes meet on Wednesday. Following chapel that day I meet with my Spiritual Formation Group. This is a required course for the first year students (I really hesitate to call it a course though) which puts students in small groups with a faculty advisor to encourage students to explore spiritual disciplines and practices. It’s a unique concept and one of the reasons that I picked Dubuque as well. My last class on Wednesday is a three hour course after lunch on Presbyterian History and Confessions. The instructor is the same as my church history class and has really divided the three hours into two classes, one on the history and one on the confessions. It's a nice way to break up the time in class and give both hours a different feel. All in all it's a 16 credit load, which is a lot, but as I said before I feel good about everything.

I have also gone through with turning in my application (if that's what it was?) to get on the ballot for student council. I have no clue what comes next or how/when one gets elected, but I'm pretty content to play this one by ear. I'm not tied to the idea of being elected, but for some reason I really felt called to putting my name in. I have always run from any organization like this, and I sometimes question my leadership skills for something like this, but I'm trying to keep my mind open to what I feel God wants me to do and well......

Thursday was a lot of fun for me, but I really think that I try and put too many things into too small of a space. After class I came home and had a bite to eat. Following that I went up to the practice football fields above the townhouses I live in and played about an hour of ultimate Frisbee with some friends here. Immediately following that I rushed back home to change so I could go out for some drinks with another group of friends here. I organized this outing to celebrate my making it through the first week of classes unscathed. On the way back to campus I mentioned that I enjoyed poker and I was invited over to another townhouse to play with yet another group that was playing that night. I got home at about 11:30 that night and pretty much crashed. It really is a special community that I have been able to join here, and I thank God daily for the opportunities he has given me to be a part of this.

I just got back from a trip to Chicago today. I found out Thursday as well that friends of mine from back home, James and Alice, were going to be in Chicago this weekend. I arranged with them to drive up to see them on Saturday evening and James and I watched the Colorado State football game versus Colorado. It was great to see the Rams win. We followed that up with the Ohio State victory over Texas while I tried to teach his two year old who for and when to cheer. It didn't work out that great, but it was a lot of fun to watch her enthusiasm even if it always came late or at the wrong time. I was treated to an incredible spaghetti dinner that night and was given a room to stay overnight at Alice's dad's house and left this morning to go see my roommate preach at one of his church's near Rockford. It was an odd experience for me to sit in a worship service attended by probably under 20 people in a very small church, but it was also refreshing to be welcomed so warmly and have people take a genuine interest in me as well. Eric gave a remarkable sermon that made me think, which is always something I appreciate. Afterward I followed Eric home to have lunch with his wife. They treated me to some great sandwiches and football on the TV. Before heading back to Dubuque Eric drove me to the largest of the churches he serves at (it's a 3 church coop). It was a very nice church that reminded me a bit of Mountain View as far as its size goes. The drive home was very nice, if very rainy. I really do like this area of the country with its rolling hills and very green trees everywhere.

Tomorrow I've organized a fantasy football league with some other of the first year guys and we have our draft during the Monday Night Football game. I probably need all the luck I can get with this draft as I have not had a great week in my other league. Oh Well.

I can't express just how blessed I really feel at this point in my life. Looking back at things a year ago I would have said that I was in the best place I had ever been in my life. I worked for a great Christian company, made more money then I ever had before and had a great group of friends. One year later I find myself as poor as I have ever been, living halfway across the country going to school full time. I have sold almost everything I own, but I feel more free then I ever have before. I still have the great friends I have made in Colorado over the years, but have added to their number all of the great friends I have in Iowa as well now. God has been great to me, and I can't wait to see what he has in store for me next.

Seashells and the beach

2006-09-04T22:03:00.000-06:00

I have a cool little sea shell sitting on my desk right now. It's a reminder of a great chapel service we had to wrap up the orientation process on Saturday. Part of the chapel service was a renewal of our Baptism vows. Because you can't rebaptize somebody they had the program set up where we went up to the front of the chapel and were given a shell (I guess symbolizing what they used a long time ago during baptism) that was immersed in water. Feeling the wetness of the shell between my fingers really hit home for me the whole message of rededicating my life for Christ. It was a pretty amazing moment for me.
The rest of the day was very cool as well as the whole incoming class was taken to a low ropes course north of town. We were split into 4 teams and were able to do all of the stations in the course with our team. It was a really good way to start building teamwork and trust with many of my classmates before school ever really started.
The first day of class begins tomorrow and I get to attend my very first seminary class at 8:30. I don't know whether to cheer that I'm beginning, or to go hide since I get to start first thing every day with the class I'm most fearful of....Greek. It should be a very difficult, but ultimately great experience I'm sure.

I had some really neat news come my way today as well. When I left Loveland and said goodbye to one of my best friends in the world, Angie, I told her that I wanted to be invited to her wedding (no she was not engaged). Today that wedding became official when she told me that her boyfriend proposed to her on a beach in Mexico on Thursday. This continues a sting of my ex's who have married the next person they dated after me, but it's all a cool thing, and something that I like to joke about. I guess the wedding won't be for another year, so no travel worries yet.
My friend Dave is happy at the moment as his football team has just beat one of my favorite teams tonight and I just got off the phone with him gloating. Oh well, I guess there is always next year......

Orientation

2006-09-01T22:05:00.000-06:00

Jesus went to the wilderness before he began his ministry. Having been without my lifeline to the world, the internet, for the past few weeks I feel almost like I have been in the wilderness as well before I enter my seminary studies in earnest. I did arrive in Dubuque on the evening of the 23rd and almost instantly started to feel at home. I got in and checked into my townhouse unit at about 5:00 and was told while going through the process that at 5:30 every Wednesday till the snow flies that the residents of Seminary Village (were I am living) gather in the middle of the cul-de-sac for a BBQ. I was invited to come, so 30 minutes after pulling into town I was already getting to meet everybody who will be living and attending classes with me. It really is a neat community that I am going to be able to be a part of.
I spent most of the next week feeling a little bit bored as I didn't have a great deal of things to do, but I did get to attend church at a local church on Sunday morning. The pastor of the church is the wife of my academic advisor (and very well respected professor) and the church was very very welcoming. It was a little smaller then I'm used to and in a much older and pretty quaint building, but it was neat. I think I will probably make this my home church while I'm in town, but will probably visit some other churches from time to time to change things up.
My roommates all arrived a few days before orientation started and they are all very neat people but pretty different. I probably have the most in common with Eric, the first to arrive. He is a sports fan like myself and will only be living on campus a few days a week. He works in a coop of Methodist churches in Illinois and will travel between his home there and here. He is married and has a very sweet wife who is also studying to get a masters degree back at home in teaching while Eric is here. The second roommate to arrive came a few nights ago from the Sudan. Samuel is probably the quietest of the four of us but has had to hurdle many barriers to arrive here to study. He will be here for only one year, but I have a feeling that I will keep in good contact with him when he returns back to his home at the end of the year. He has left behind his wife and 4 kids to be here. I have seen photos and they are a beautiful family. Samuel is part of the Anglican Church in the Sudan and has already accomplished a great deal of important things in his ministry there. I know he will do great things someday. The last roomie to arrive is Gabriel who has come here from Ghana. As Samuel is the quietest one of us, Gabriel is by far the most vocal and animated of the group. He is very interested in music and is always in a very joyous mood. He is just getting over his jet lag and has also gone through a great deal to get here as well. He is actively recruiting me to venture to Ghana someday to see his home. He also has left a family behind with a wife and son back home.
Yesterday was the first day of orientation for the seminary program and life has been a bit of a blur the past few days. We have had a chapel service the beginning of each day so far and will again tomorrow. It is soo incredible to have worship play such a key element of every day. We will also have chapel every Tue, Wed and Thur while school is in session. I really do look forward to having that guidance while I'm here. Yesterday was spent mostly with the basics of school. We did a tour of the library and received our access codes to the internet. We also were given information on many of the programs offered here at the seminary. I am really seriously thinking about running for the student government here, and I think I would have a very solid chance of being elected. We also did some Ministry Profile tests yesterday which took way too long (500 questions long), but I do look forward to seeing the results from the test (imagine something like a very very very in depth personality profile test). We finished the day splitting up to have desserts at the home of selected faculty members. I was able to attend dessert at the home of Dr. Thompson and her husband not far from campus. She will be my Greek professor this year and I had a very fun time. Today was dedicated more to preparing for classes, but we started the day after chapel with time to share with the rest of the group what we had to leave behind to attend seminary. It was a pretty emotional time for some people and it was neat to glean a part of other student’s life as they shared. I shared 3 photos showing the youth group at Mountain View, me and the guys at a baseball game last year, and Sassy. The rest of the day we met with our advisors, registered for classes, did an interview portion to the tests we took yesterday, and purchased our books for the semester. Buying the books finally really gave the realization of just how much of a masters program this is going to be. I was not able to purchase all of the books I needed because the book store ran out of a few of the titles I need, but I still came home with 23 books to read this semester. They say they figure for every credit hour you take, you will have 3 hours of homework a week. I'm taking 16 credits so figure about 48 hours of homework to go with 16 hours of class time to go with my desire to find a part time job for about 15 hours a week. I'm going to be a busy boy.
Tomorrow is the last day of orientation and we are going to be doing some team building at a low ropes course near the campus (I'm not supposed to know the activity, but.....). Following that will be a picnic lunch and then a final weekend to be able to rest a bit. I'm really looking forward to everything, and for maybe the first time in my entire life, I'm really anticipating classes starting.

On the road

2006-08-22T22:35:00.000-06:00

So here I sit in the lobby of the Comfort Inn in York, Nebraska. It's been a fun day on the road, but a very loud day. I managed to fit everything in the car that I wanted to bring, but to do that I had to purchase a soft top car carrier to carry my clothes in. To attach it to my car without having a roof rack I had to find hooks that attach to the weather stripping under the doors. This has caused the car to sound like the windows are rolled down just a crack at 75 miles per hour on the freeway. After about 4 hours on the road my ears will just ringing, so I stopped and grabbed some ear plugs. They really helped get rid of the noise, but so much for being able to have any music or anything else as well. Oh well, I guess I'm always complainging about something.
It's still a little bit sureal that I'm driving to Iowa and not coming back to Colorado, but I'm really excited to get moved in and to meet my new roomates. I spoke with the lady that will be checking me into the townhouse yesterday, and I'm all set to move in tomorrow. Everything seems to just be falling into place very nicely, and I'm anxious to get started on this new chapter of my life. It should be a fun trip.

No rest for the weary

2006-08-04T15:32:00.000-06:00

I'm offically in the homeless stage of my transition to school. I am completely moved out of the duplex I was living in and everything I own in the world (including my computer which is the reason for very little in the way of updates) with the exception of my car is now packed in boxes in the basement of my friends house. I'm trying to figure out exactly what I can take with me to school, what needs to go to my dad's house into storage and what I should just let go of and give to good will.
This last week has been as crazy a week as I've ever had. I went out and played poker at a friends house Saturday night and lost miserably. Sunday I got up and helped with the youth program at the church, which was nice but went waaaay to long. I attribute that to not enough time for preparation, but that's life, and it was important for the youth to have a voice in telling the congregation about the mision trip.
I had to finish up packing and moving everything I own on Sunday night, and about 11:00 I was soo dead that I just decided to quit. I was almost too tired to even drive to my friends house to sleep for the night. I finished up cleaning my house Monday night (I was supposed to turn in the key at noon, but oh well).
Tuesday I found out that one of the friends I played poker with Saturday had a blood vessel burst in his sinuses (he had just had surgery on them a couple weeks before) and was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. I work with his wife and she called me from the hospital after he came out of 2 1/2 hours of emergency surgery. I went and visited him in the hospital that night before going to coffee with the guys and he was looking pretty good. I found out later that Wednesday he needed two blood transfusions, and that they estimated that he lost about half the blood in his body from his "bloody nose". He's at home now and doing fine, but it sound's like he was lucky everybody found him and reacted so quickly. Continued prayers for his healing I'm sure are appriciated.
I'm going to be helping another friend move this next weekend and I know I'm going to be exhausted when I'm done, but he has helped me out more time then I can count in life, so I'm happy to be doing it. My last day at the paper is coming up pretty quick on the 16th and it will be good to have a few days off before having to pack up yet again and move accross the country one last time.
I am still trying to finish my mission trip report, but as I don't have my computer up and running it may not ever get posted until I'm in Iowa. I'm looking forward to the next few weeks.

The Valley Between Mountain Peaks.

2006-07-20T21:25:00.000-06:00

We call trips like the mission trip I just returned from "Mountaintop Experiences". They are once in a lifetime experiences that we will never forget, or experience again. That's not to say that we won't have more Mountaintop Experiences in our lives, but none of them will be the same, nor will we learn the exact same things. On the last evening of the trip before going to bed, we warned the youth that returning from a tip like this can be difficult. We will no longer have our daily worship time, and we won't be around the people that we have grown to love on a daily basis. Life gets back to normal as we leave the emotional high of participating in this experience.
Life has gotten back to the daily routine for me as well. I'm struggling a little bit with it, but most of that has to do with everything that has happened since I have returned. I'm feeling very tired and drained right now, and not sure when I'm going to have time to recover fully. I'm also feeling a little bit lonely. I never realized before just how much company having my dog was for me. While I was away, my roommate moved out of our house, and since I gave away Sassy before I left I am now alone in my home. It's a struggle going from living with 22 other people in a very close setting and growing to love the fellowship, to coming home to a house with not a single living creature around. I keep trying to shut doors behind me so Sassy won't get out of the house, or leaving food out of the reach of her, but then I realize it's really just me right now.
I also decided while I was gone that I was definitely going to have to have a garage sale before the end of the month. Unfortunately that means that it has to be this Saturday, being as my next weekend is booked. I was planning on using this weekend to recover from my trip, but now I find myself tearing apart my house trying to figure out what to sell and what to keep in just a couple of days. As I type right now, I do so on the floor with my desktop lying next to me because I have pulled my desk out to my garage to sell this weekend. I really don't know how I'm going to manage to pull everything off, but I do have some amazing friends and I know that they will help me out in the end.
I also was indirectly forced to give my notice at work yesterday. When I returned from my trip I was asked if I would be interested in switching to a different territory at work. It would have been Loveland if the change could have been improved, which is the city I live in. It was a perfect fit, with the exception that I knew I would be leaving in a month and it wouldn't be fair for the company to switch me and then have me give my notice a week later. I sat down with my boss yesterday and let him know that I was going to be leaving. He was actually very cool about the whole thing and wished me luck. He did let me know I blindsided him a bit and was very grateful that I gave him more then two weeks notice. It feels very good not having to worry about when I'm going to give my notice, and having to walk around of egg shells at work to make sure I don't mention something I shouldn't. I really do hate having secrets like that.
I'm really feeling frustrated that I have not had much time to let you all know more about my experiences, but I really want to spend some time writing that out, and I have not had more then 10 minutes at a time lately. I'm starting to worry that if I wait much longer that I'm going to start forgetting things that happened on the trip and I don't want that to happen. I'm hoping that the garage sale goes well on Saturday and that I will have some time that evening to sit down and spend some time writing.
I'm just bidding my time now until I leave for what I hope is my next Mountaintop Experience at seminary. I know that there will be many valleys there, but overall I'm hoping for that type of experience in my studies. Thank you again for all your prayers for me and the youth. You are truly awesome friends.

Home!!!

2006-07-17T21:58:00.000-06:00

I am back in Loveland after 10 truly incredible days. I am bruised, tired, sore and exhausted, but I have never felt better. It's always been the consensus that when our youth go on mission trips the first is almost always the most meaningful to them (not that any others are not meaningful). I think I have a new caveat to make to that observation though. When I arrived back one of my youth leaders when I was in school asked me how it went, and followed my answer up with, it's different now huh? This was my first trip as a leader and it probably has been more meaningful for me then anything else I have ever done. When I was in school the trip was for me, but this time it was about the kids in the group. I have NEVER been more proud of a group then I am right now. They always find a way to just blow all my expectations out of the water. More info to come, but for now I'm going to bed. Thank you all for your prayers while we were gone.

A Memorable Week

2006-07-06T00:29:00.000-06:00

It has been quite the last 8 days. I almost feel like I'm on a roller coaster with everything that is going on, but I do like to be busy as opposed to being bored. For most of the last week I have felt like I just couldn't get caught up. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm close, and after working on part of a youth program on peace and patience tonight I figured I had better follow some of that teaching.

I'm leaving on a youth ministry mission trip to Port Arthur Texas at 6:00 AM on Friday (for those of you who know me you can stop laughing at the thought of me up that early now). I'm still not packed yet (and yet I have time to blog), which is pretty much par for the course for me, but I do have a list together so I should be good. I put together a blog site for the trip today at mvpyouth.blogspot.com, but I'm not 100% sure that we will be able to update while on the trip. My hope is to have a different member of the youth group update each day so the church, parents, friends and such can know what is going on with us, and keep us in their prayers. Feel free to check us out.

Today was a difficult day. I gave Sassy away today, and it was all I could do to not cry as I drove away with her looking out the window of her new home at me. I really do like the lady who adopted her though and we had a great conversation while I was there. She actually serves on the committee of Presbytery that I had to appear before when I became an inquirer in February. She is also close to the Presbyterian Church in Berthoud and let me know that their new pastor is a guy that I was able to meet in April when I visited the Dubuque campus. I'm really excited for him.

Last Wednesday I took my friend Angie to the Greeley Independence Stampede Rodeo. I had not been to a rodeo since I was just a little kid and my dad took me to the Denver Stock Show Rodeo. There were days when I was in high school that I would not have been caught dead at a rodeo since I despised pretty much everything country. I had a great time though and it just goes to show that you should keep yourself open to new experiences and new people. I did have to laugh at Angie though as she cringed every time a calf was roped. I'm still not open enough to new experiences to go to a country music concert, some things just won't change.

Monday night was a fun experience for me. To celebrate me going to seminary we decided to go to the bar. That makes sense right? Actually we went to Dave and Busters in Westminster. Every time something big happens in one of our lives we normally go treat them to a nice steak dinner or something to that effect. I got the full treatment, a fried shrimp dinner and pretty much all of my games for the entire night. It was a great time at one of my favorite places in Denver. I am blessed to have the great friends I do.

My Fourth of July was just as special if that is even possible. My Mom, Stepdad and Grammie were visiting from Tucson and we decided to take Trail Ridge Road to Grand Lake. It is the highest continuous motorway in the United States, with more than eight miles lying above 11,000' and a maximum elevation of 12,183. This photo was taken at one of the pulloffs from the road and shows just how beautiful the drive is.
We crossed over the continental divide and had lunch in Grand Lake at the Grand Lake Lodge. The weather was great and the view from the patio we ate on was spectacular. It was nice to be able to have a meal with Mom and Grammie since I don't get to see them that often, and with me moving to Iowa those opportunities will become even more remote.

That night friends and I continued our Fourth of July tradition of meeting at my house for festivities. We walked down to the Cattail Creek Golf Course and spread out our blankets for the city fireworks show. While we waited we threw a football around till it got dark and then we watched some kids playing baseball with a wiffleball. It was a good time. After the show we walked back to my place and lit off all the fireworks that Jen and Joe provided. It was a good way to end what I like to call my second weekend.

It's getting closer to that time that I head off to my new life in Iowa and seminary. It's becoming more and more real as I make choices because of this move. I have given away my dog, I'm getting ready to move from my house, and I'm realizing that I will probably need to have a garage sale (I hate garage sales). I don't know what I will find as I drive down this road, but the possibilities are spectacular.

Stormtroopers in high heels.

2006-06-27T22:37:00.000-06:00

One of the things I think I will miss the most when I move will be my Tuesday nights. I have a great group of four friends who I have been close with since the summer following my high school graduation. We all knew each other during high school, but the bond between us was cemented by who knows what that summer. During the early years of our friendship we saw each other nearly everyday. The five of us have seen other friends come and go from the group over the years, and have formed great friendships outside of the group as well, but the original quintet has always remained very close. We all have different jobs now, some are married with kids, and one now lives a good hour’s drive away. The four of us still in town along with one's wife and little guy have a standing appointment each Tuesday night though at a local coffee shop. We realize that we are getting older and have more responsibilities and less time to devote to just goofing off with the friends, but we wanted to make sure we still made time for each other. It's great to be able to just sit around, talk about what is going on in our lives, in the world, in sports, in general. We laugh a lot and pick on each other ruthlessly. The girls who work at the shop know us by name and join in from time to time. It's a Cheer's like atmosphere except it's a coffee shop, not a bar. Today was great fun. I had not done a Mad Libs in years and years, but some books were brought tonight. We just went around the circle giving out nouns, verbs, adjectives, colors, numbers and the like all night. We included the barista's, other customers coming into the store, and my mother in Arizona over the telephone when she unwittingly called during a game. I think the image I will keep with me from tonight is the picture in my mind of Stormtroopers in high heels. Gotta love them Mad Libs.

Sassy

2006-06-26T21:26:00.000-06:00

It's been a bit of a depressing day today. Reality set in that I'm going to have to give my dog Sassy away next week. I know that I can’t keep her once I become homeless at the end of the month, nor when I move to Iowa in August. I also realize that I am probably not the greatest dog owner at the moment anyway due to a single lifestyle that keeps me away from home most of the day. In a time of my life though, when I most needed a friend most and was separated by 1300 miles from those I was closest to, Sassy was there for me. She was the one that would crawl up into bed with me, and give me kisses in the face to say "I love you". I know that she is going to a better home, but I'm going to miss her more then words can express.
I also found out today that I will not be able to preach during worship service before I move away. I spoke with the pastor of the church today to try and find a time it would work, but there were only two Sundays available. One of them I will be gone with the youth mission trip and the second week falls after I leave for seminary. I really thought about delaying my departure and preaching that week, but that would only give me three days to drive from Colorado to Iowa, and move into my new place before school starts. I would rather have some more time to get situated and find a job before I have to hit the books.
I do know what I wanted to speak about. I wanted to thank Mountain View for everything they have done to help raise and support me during my life. When kids are baptized at the church, the pastor asks a set of questions not only to those being baptized (or their parents), but also to the congregation. In a nutshell the congregation is asked if they will help support and provide for the Christian nurture of the child. While I wasn’t technically baptized at Mountain View, the church fulfilled the promises they make to others with me as well. I wanted to remind the congregation that we as a church are called the body of Christ, with each person fulfilling a need based on our abilities. Without the teachers of my VBS and Sunday School classes when I was young; without the leaders and volunteers of my youth groups; without the people giving donations, organizing events, sending kids to youth group, and just plain greeting me in the halls making me feel welcome, I would not be who am I today getting ready to help fulfill my part in his body by becoming a pastor. I wanted to give everybody encouragement to keep what they are doing in the church. I wanted to remind everybody of the importance of continued involvement in the church. The darkest time of my life is was I was separated from a church “body”. I was lucky and had my Sassy to help me out. My generation has seen a large number of people decide that their faith does not need to include belonging to a church. I wanted to ask though, what happens to a strong part of the body (a strong faith) when separated from the rest of the body. Christ is present in his church and in Mountain View and I thank him and the members of that congregation for helping to make me who I am today.

Busy week for me and the church

2006-06-21T21:53:00.000-06:00

It's amazing how quickly a schedule can be filled up when you’re not paying a lot of attention. I helped a friend install his new garage door opener Monday and Today (after realizing that we didn't have everything we needed 2 hours in on Monday). Next week I have free tickets to the Greeley Stampede Rodeo, and my Mom comes into town for the weekend. I get to do a video shoot with a friend to help with a church program he is starting on Saturday the first and on the 3rd some friends and I are celebrating my seminary acceptance with a trip to Dave and Busters. From July 7th to the 17th I will be on a mission trip to Port Arthur, Texas with the senior high youth program for hurricane relief. It should be a great experience. Attending a lobster bake on the 21st and a party on the 29th caps off the month nicely for me. August should be pretty busy too, with me moving to Iowa (yes I know it stands for idiots out wandering around, but my favorite shirt does explain that not all who wander are lost) around the 24th of the month.

I am a little frustrated with the blog right now as it is not letting me upload photos, but hopefully we will get that fixed soon, but for now, text is cool. Part of me is toying with the idea of moving this to a different site down the road that will give me some more creative control, but for now, I'm still happy.

Well, it's been quite a week for the Presbyterian Church (USA), the denomination I belong to for the most part love. Everybody knew going in that it would be a very pivotal year for the church, and regardless of the outcome of General Assembly there would be some hurt feeling in the church. While the GA started out well with the announcement of the largest award ever given to the church, the news today that the donor may be in dire straights financially fits well into the soap opera that is GA. Up to now I applaud most of the decisions the commissioners have made, but there are some moves I question. I'm not going to get into any debates today about my personal views on all the issues, but I look forward to seeing how everything plays out. I ran into a joke online today that I think sometimes fits this denomination. I changed it around a bit to fit, but I think (and worry) that sometimes it may represent the church too well.

The pastor of a Presbyterian church decided that God was calling the church to a new vision of what path it was to take, so at the next session meeting he presented the new vision with as much energy, conviction and passion as he could muster. When he had finished and sat down, the clerk called for a vote. All 12 session members voted against the new vision, with absolutely nobody voting for it. "Well, it looks like you will have to think again," said the clerk of the session. "Would you like to close the meeting in prayer?” So the pastor stood up, raised his hands to heaven, and prayed, "LORD, will you not show these people that this is not MY vision but it is YOUR vision!" At that moment, the clouds darkened, thunder crashed, and a streak of lightning burst through the window and struck in two the table at which they were sitting, throwing the pastor and all the session members to the ground. After a moment's silence, as they all got up and dusted themselves off, the clerk spoke again. “Well, that's twelve votes to one then."

My extended family

2006-06-17T00:15:00.000-06:00

I'm finding myself in a bit of a contemplative mood tonight which may make this entry a good or bad thing. I do appreciate having this medium to help process my thoughts tonight but I sometimes wonder if in the morning I'll look at this and think "what was I thinking?" Contemplative probably tends to be my keyword for slight feelings of depression which I know everybody must feel at certain times and with me typically will last an evening and be gone with the morning.I have realized over the past few weeks how much of a family I have developed here in Loveland. I don't have any real family left here in town save for my stepsister, but my extended family consisting of friends from school, work and church seems to be bigger then ever. I laugh because it's not unusual for me to go somewhere with one group of friends and run into another group while we are out. I like that I can go to the grocery store or the bank and run into people I know and can chat with.Today was a fun day; I stopped by KFC for lunch today not sure if a friend from high school I used to work with was working. She was and happened to be going on break just as I got there. She sat down with me as I had my lunch and we chatted for about 15 minutes. I promised that I would help her husband, another good friend of mine, install a garage door opener at their house. Not thirty seconds after she had to go back to work a couple friends of mine from church walked into the restaurant to have lunch. They sat down with me and we had a great time for the remainder of my lunch. (They also reminded me I was getting older as one was a jr. high school youth leader when I was that age, and the other was the father of two of our current high school youth members, but that is a different story.) After work today I met two very good friends of mine from Group Publishing for a couple of drinks at a local bar. Again as I sat there with them, the advertising director from the paper I currently work at walked in with his family for dinner. I have always said that I will judge the success of my life by the people whose lives I can touch while I walk this planet. I'm not somebody who cares a great deal for material wealth or status (that's not to say I don't appreciate some comforts though), but it is encouraging to realize that I know so many people, and I can count most of them friends. I took this photo last summer at a baseball game with some of the best friends I have ever had. We were celebrating the fact that one of my friends had recently graduated law school and we wanted to show him a good time. We sat in the cheapest seats in the stadium, but had a blast. These are the memories that I know I will carry with me through this life, and that's what makes me a little sad tonight. I look forward to moving to Iowa with an excitement I have not felt in a long time. I know it is what I'm being called to do, and I look forward greatly to the new experiences. I am burned out with a lot of my life here in Colorado and ready for new challenges. I do feel a twinge of pain though whenever I realize that I do this leaving a lot of people I care about deeply behind. It’s tough telling the members of the youth group that I won't be able to hang out with them at overnighters in the fall or realizing that on Monday night next year I won't be able to watch the games with my friends each week. I know that for many of these people it will never be a permanent goodbye, but I also realize for many it will be. I value my friendships deeply, and while I know I will make many more friends throughout my life, and leave many more as well, it never makes goodbye easy. I guess what I want to say tonight to everybody who reads this little piece of my life is Thank You. Thank you for being a part of my life and letting me be a piece of yours. I love you all.

My Mantra.

2006-06-13T00:36:00.000-06:00

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
-Philippians 4:13 (NIV)

This seems to be my mantra over the past week. It seems to fit all of the situations that I find myself struggling with. The verse came to mind as I was sitting having dinner with my step dad the other day when he said something to the effect that even when we put ourselves in situations that we may not feel prepared for, we often surprise ourselves with what we can accomplish.

I think doubt is a natural thing to experience when you have decided to make major changes in your life. Growth isn't possible without leaving a comfort zone, and when we are not in that zone we creep into doubt. I received a letter today from UDTS with some paperwork for next year, but one of the first paragraphs confirms this to an even greater degree. "Perhaps you need to be reminded that you've made the right decision; perhaps you need to be reminded that God is leading you on this journey. If there are any doubts rumbling around in your mind, take a deep breath and follow God's lead!" I have never questioned that I am doing the right thing, but I think my doubt comes into play when I wonder how successful I will be in school. I have always considered myself to be smart, but I seem to always be surrounded by people who I consider to be bright, intelligent and articulate. I shouldn't let it, but my competitive nature seems to come out of me at these points. I try and measure myself up to these people and in my mind, and I don't always measure up. I wonder if I will be able to handle the pressures of having somebody come to me with life and death issues, and if I can be accountable to give them good solid biblical advice someday. I read the blog of somebody just starting as an intern chaplain at a hospital this week. Sometimes you see the confidence on the outside of somebody and think "Man they never have doubts," but he shared a prayer on the page asking for God's help in leading him, and erasing his doubts. In the end I don't think that I will be the top student in my class, but I do know that I can do anything with Christ on my side.

Work is getting progressively harder for me every week as well. I enjoy my job to an extent, but knowing that I will be leaving in a few short weeks leaves me little motivation to work extra hard. I also have come to realize over the past few weeks that I have finally burned out completely on sales. Last week we brought in a sales trainer from the corporate office and I heard for the umpteenth time a sales training presentation that preaches how to go work with your customer, determine their needs and then sell them for as much money as possible. I'm not saying that sales is bad, because I don't believe that, but I will say that the most successful sales people do care about money, and I have never been motivated to that end. Again, I do know though that God will give me the strength to make it through these last weeks of this job, and give me the patience as I wait to start my new life.

One month from today I will be in Port Arthur, Texas on a youth mission trip. The topic of our trip this year will focus on the fruit of the spirit. I'm not responsible for the daily lessons of the trip, but I have volunteered to lead a daily life application portion to each lesson, and to lead some small group sessions during our lunches to discuss this life application. I also have asked to oversee and end of the trip affirmation project. All of these are important to me, and I know I will do a good job, but again it goes back to my mantra this week. I will do well, because I know God is with me and will help me.

It should be a fun week.

Self Portrait

2006-06-03T21:38:00.000-06:00

A few years back I started to take a photography class at a local community college (I say started because I never finished). The first assignment given us was to go out and take a self portrait of ourselves. We could do it any way we wanted; as long as the subject was us, and we were also the one's taking the photo. I remember having a lot of fun with that assignment as I went from just holding the camera up to a mirror, to more creative ways to photograph myself. I took photos of my shadow on a sunny day. I took photo's of photos (didn't turn out so well). In the end I had fun with the timer on my camera and submitted photos taken from the hood of my car with me behind the steering wheel, and of me outside behind a decorative window. Looking back the point of the assignment was to teach us how to be creative as we view the world through the window of the lens. I enjoyed the lesson also though because it gave me a glimpse as to how others viewed themselves as well. I don't remember all the photos taken, but I remember the feeling of being able to take a look inside the other members of the class as they shared their projects. A few months back I was struggling to decide where I was being called to as far as seminary was concerned. I went for a walk along Lake Loveland in the middle of town, and called my friend Mel in California knowing she would give me some good direction (prayers for her health right now are appreciated). As I was speaking with her and lying among some rocks, I took what may be my favorite self portrait, I've ever taken. Going with my comments that it's a look into how people views themselves; I think this is a great representation of how I view myself, and how I hope I'm remembered by others; Laid back, with feet that walk for the Lord, and an unlimited horizon.

Life without a helmet

2006-06-01T22:43:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm back to snapping photos from my car I guess. I took this photo while driving home from work yesterday. Other then showing the great drive I take to work everyday, I had to snap the photo because of the great irony in it. This guy is driving his motorcycle at 60 mph, hair flapping in the breeze, with his helmet stowed securely on the back of his seat. My thoughts at the time were that this guy isn't the brightest person in the world; that was until I looked down. I realized that I was just like the guy in front of me, I have a seat belt in my car, but it was hanging loosely at my left. I don't know why I don't always wear my seatbelt. I have great respect for the fact that seatbelts (and helmets) save many lives every year, but for some reason or another I either get lazy when I get in the car, or I forget.
I think that I often treat God the same way. I know that he protects me and is there to help keep me safe, but I forget about him. Just like wearing my seatbelt, by studying the bible and spending time in prayer I am helping to protect myself if my life ever starts to spin out of control.
Many people survive car accidents even without wearing seatbelts, and I will probably do fine if I hit a crisis in my life regardless of how much I devote myself to Christ. My chances are much better though in either case if I do spend the time to prepare, and why wouldn't I do something that really takes minimal time and energy to do. I forget to fasten my seatbelt and I forget to pray. This guy got lazy and didn't put on his helmet, while I get lazy and don't spend time reading my bible regularly. Sometimes I think I have a long way to go.

God Resolves

2006-05-25T21:23:00.000-06:00

As a Christian, I sometimes feel that we are under attack in American society today. It's not unusual to turn on the news and find another court battle taking place over prayer in school, the Ten Commandments being displayed on government property, or even the use of the word Christmas in a holiday parade or display. I have had great debates with a friend over the years regarding the separation of church and state, and he has convinced me to a degree of the importance of that separation, but that belief only goes so far. I'm not a lawyer, and I won't pretend to be, but I do remember a high school civics class talking about the letter of the law, and the spirit of the law. The letter of the law probably does a good job making the separation permanent, but I think this has been a steady progression away from the spirit of the law. My understanding is that separation of church and state was instituted in an attempt to keep the government from regulating religion in this country, and being able to punish those who did not believe the governmental views. I have struggled with, and continue to struggle with how keeping a football team from praying before a game, when they have done so for decades before, is protecting an individual or community from the government. I believe in the value of tradition in a community, and for many, prayer at a football game or a Christmas display is part of their communities’ culture and tradition. What I don't know is how to fight to keep the courts from stripping these traditional values from our communities.

Last week a similar story popped up in the news as a judge blocked a graduation prayer at a Kentucky high school. What caught my attention in this story is not the fact that it happened, but how the students of the school choose to deal with it. As the principal of the school rose to give his opening remarks, about 200 students (almost all of the graduating seniors) rose and began reciting the Lords Prayer to "thunderous applause and a standing ovation from the crowd." The students of the school didn't boycott graduation, or take the case back to court. They simply stood up for their freedom of expression and stood up as a class against the court ruling. As usual, I learn a lot from the youth of this nation. Probably the answer to the steady beat down of Christian expression in communities is people taking action on their own to express their faith. There is power in numbers and all it takes is somebody willing to stand up for what they believe for others to follow. In my opinion, the students of Russell County High School handled the situation amazingly well, and in the end, the prayer meant so much more then it would have before.

I wish I had the answers and solutions to more of the issues facing Christians today, but sometimes I don't even know if I am asking the right questions. I have just recently finished reading Blue Like Jazz. One of the quotes has given me a lot of thought over the past few weeks. The short version of the quote, found of the back cover states

"I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve....But sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself...I used to not like God because God didn't resolve. But that was before any of this happened." - Donald Miller

I agree with this quote to an extent for two main reasons, one of which is the aforementioned fact that I sometimes wished God would give me the answers to the issues Christians face today. (The second reason is in the inference that we come to Christ most often by seeing others love him and model this love in their actions, but this is a completely different post in itself). The Bible and other resources have been given to us as a guide, but in the end we are responsible for doing the study, and work to come up with what we think the correct resolutions are to these problems/issues we face in society. In the end though, God does resolve. He resolves by his saving Grace, and Christ's death on the cross. Donald does indicate a shift in his thinking in the last sentence, but I don't know if he makes the connection that God does indeed "resolve" in the end.

Manipulated Believers?

2006-05-20T10:51:00.000-06:00

I guess this is a follow up to my last post. It started as a response to a great comment and question posted on my iGod entry, but I went off on a bit of a rant, so I figured I would make it more visible in this forum.

I like the way you use the term manufactured describing community at many churches. I worry that many churches in order to show the effectiveness of their ministry end up, often through the use of media, manipulating people in the process. When I go to many large and mega church worship services, I see a formula to their worship. It's designed to first pump people up and get them excited using video and music. Second it gets them to look inside themselves and brings them down quickly. This rapid letdown makes people want to hear the Gospel message, and open to it to. They are looking for that quick fix to make them feel good again. Lastly, people are brought up again. They leave church feeling how broken they have been, but excited for a new relationship with Christ. They hop in their car, turn on the same old radio station. Go grab a bite to eat, feel good for the afternoon, but by tomorrow nothing has changed. They have also not been presented with the whole message. It's easy to tell people that following Christ is good and happy, but when is the message of "if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering." presented. Use of music, lights, and video has made all of this manipulation easier. The problem is the best way, and the way Jesus used to bring people to God, isn't in manipulating their emotions. He sat down with them and had a dialog with them. He modeled what it was he was teaching. He wasn't just there once a week, you could come to him when you wanted, and ask questions. Ask most strong and true Christians today what brought them into a RELATIONSHIP with God; it has everything to do with a friend or family member modeling that relationship to them. They may have become aware of God somewhere else, but you don't form a relationship overnight, it takes time and a human touch. I'm not saying it's impossible to have these relationships in a mega church, but it's so much easier and personal in a smaller church. I don't know what God's will is as far as size is concerned, and I don't think you can put a number on it. I do think that he would have his church be one where you know the people you worship with as people, not just the person you saw in the grocery line the day before.

I don't want to you think I'm trying to say all large churches are this way, but it is a pattern I have observed quite often in my life, and wonder about.

iGod?

2006-05-18T22:25:00.000-06:00

I meant to go to bed early tonight. Hmmmmm, I seem to make that promise most nights, and yet here I am.

Working for a media company has made me pay closer attention to the power and influence media plays in our world today. I have customers heap praise on me, when a letter I forward gets them a feature article in the paper. Others get upset when their ad's run in a section that may not be read as often. I see the influence that television plays in people's lives everywhere I go. Yesterday I was eating lunch at KFC, and a group of people probably in their 40's was discussing who they thought was going to win American Idol. I have heard conversations in the past of people discussing what happened on 24, Greys Anatomy, or Desperate Housewives the evening before. Movies influence our thoughts and society's opinions on issues. Look at all the controversy Brokeback Mountain, and now The Da Vinci Code have generated. Between TV, movies, magazines, books, music, internet, newspapers, cell phones ect.... we are surrounded by media's messages almost 24/7.

Media is also permeating our churches. Most of the largest and quickest growing churches have embraced media in their worship. It's not unusual to see large TV screens at the front of the room in church today. Music is played in the styles of the hottest Christian artists and is piped through massive speakers. Video clips are played and used as teaching tools. Web pages are playing a more centralized role, as you can now skip church and download a sermon to your ipod. Many people tune to their favorite Christian TV station, and watch one of many different broadcast services. One of the changes brought to our youth program a few years back was the addition of a big screen TV, and video game system to the youth room. The fact of the matter is, we are used to seeing media and expect to see it in our daily lives. Churches that don't embrace media can be seen as out of touch with society and backwards.

I have a question, and I don't know the answer. Is this good?

I agree with the arguments on the pro side of the issue. Christ's message can't change, but the medium (root word for media) must. Churches must find a way to most effectively reach the masses with the message of God's merciful grace, and Christ's death on the Cross for our sins. We are used to getting messages from media, and the fact of the matter is, it's effective. Why shouldn't a church use a tool that will attract and energize more people for Christ.

I do have to argue for the other side as well though. A relationship with Christ is just that, a relationship. I worry that as a society we are forgetting how to form relationships with people. We communicate with friends now, by texting, and e-mail. We call them on our cell phones. We do get together, but many times it's to watch a movie or TV. We don't keep as much quiet time in our lives, devoted to simply chatting with friends, and more importantly chatting with God. My worry is that by trying to reach out to more people, faster and quicker we are forgetting Christ's method of teaching God's love. He met with people face to face, and even more importantly reached out to them and touched them. Are we forgetting this model in church today?

I don't have the answers, and as is the case with most things, the answer probably lays somewhere in the middle. Regardless I have spent a lot of time recently thinking about this and would love to hear other opinions.

Patsy

2006-05-18T21:57:00.000-06:00

So it's another Friday for me tomorrow and another funeral. This one has been expected for a while, as Patsy has battled cancer for around six years now. Early this week her battle finally ended. I feel very fortunate that I could be a part of, even if just a small part of, her incredible life. I have always thought that people should live life to the fullest, but Patsy didn't merely live life, she radiated life. If I live to be 100, I doubt that I will ever meet somebody with such a joyous spirit as Patsy. She has truly been a role model to me on how to look at life and to see the joy and beauty of things. She has shown me to thank God for the wonder of life, and to recognize that God has beautiful things in store. Thank you Patsy, for being a part of my life, and for helping to shape who I am today. Heaven shines a lot brighter today.

The World Begins Again

2006-05-13T14:47:00.000-06:00

Life starts to get back to normal today. The funeral service was yesterday afternoon, and it was nicely done. I gave this advice to a friend’s sister a couple of years ago when her father passed away, and it held true when I spoke with Michelle, August’s sister, yesterday. Life will never be the same again, the family is missing a huge part of themselves, but life will get back to normal. It will be a "new normal", but today it starts to get back to normal.

For me, today is back to normal. I slept in till noon today and finally woke up feeling good. I have been running on lack of sleep this last week, and my muscles were aching, and my body was very sore last night. In about 30 minutes I'm meeting a couple of friends to stretch out these muscles and play some tennis. After that, it's to another friend’s house for some braughts on the grill and poker. Tomorrow I need to get caught up on my laundry as you can no longer see the floor of my bedroom beneath all the dirty clothes on the ground. I also need to start figuring out my budget for the rest of the year and into next. In all of the events of the past week, my worries of the week before were completely forgotten, but God didn't forget about me. On Tuesday at work I checked my e-mail and saw my financial aid package came through. I received written confirmation yesterday in the mailbox. It is not quite as much money as I had hoped for, but it is enough that I'm confident I can find a way to make it work. I will need to find a job while I'm in school, but I know I can pull that off.

I downloaded some music last night from one of my favorite bands. I thought these lyrics were appropriate.

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

From Better Days, by the Goo Goo Dolls.

Acceptance

2006-05-11T00:43:00.000-06:00

Before being married, I was engaged for a year. During some of that time, I was unsure of how well I would be accepted into her family. I was already great friends with her sister, but because of an incident that occurred between me and August, I was unsure what my relationship with the rest of her family would look like. In the end, our differences were patched up and her family took me in as if I was their own son or brother. When August and I separated, one of the most difficult things was losing her family as well.
I was invited to her parent’s house tonight. I had already made some plans with another friend of mine to grab a drink at the bar, but I asked if I could come see them later in the night after going out with my friend. When I got to her parents house it felt like no time at all had passed. I was shocked by how much of her family was there. They all had kind words and hugs for me. Many of her family had planned on leaving early, but decided to stay later to see me I was told. I was even asked for my address so I could be invited to her cousins wedding in August. I don't know if I have ever been welcomed so quickly and fully into a group of people as her family did and continues to do with me. I sat with August's family pretty late into the night feeling completely at ease and very content. There are moments in your life that will stick with you forever and tonight will rank amongst those memories for me. Tonight I feel very blessed and fortunate.

A letter to August

2006-05-09T18:36:00.000-06:00

It seems like whenever my priorities in life get out of order, they are put back into their place very quickly. I found out yesterday after work that my ex wife August committed suicide Sunday night. When I got home from work, I had an email in my box from her sister. When I called she broke the news to me. I'm still trying to work out my feelings about this because I honestly don't know how I should feel. I spent some of the very best and very worst years of my life with August. We laughed, cried, fought, worked, and played along side each other for over five years. At one point in my life I loved her more then anybody on the planet. I didn't go a single day in that period of time without at least speaking with her. I haven't seen August in almost a year and a half now though, and I feel very distant from the whole event. I came to a closure on our relationship a long time ago and this remoteness from a more powerful grief makes me sad. I do feel grief though, and a sadness that I can’t share how her life has led me to where I’m going next. Here is my attempt.

August, you truly were a beautiful person. I have not met many people with a stronger passion for giving in my entire life. You loved to give gifts to people, and were always thinking of others. It was not unusual for me to leave work after a long day and find a card on my driver’s seat from you. That always meant something to me. You were always the first person to jump in and help when people needed it. I will always remember watching you work your tail off in the kitchen with your mom during large family gatherings. I loved watching you August, when the holidays rolled around. I have never been great at giving, but watching your spirit and joy was awesome for me.
Girl, you lived your life caught on the extremes. When you loved somebody it was with your entire being. You fell in love quickly. When you were mad at somebody it was with an equal fire. I have always lived my life in a nice moderate emotional rut, but you showed me how to express emotion with a passion. I have never possessed as much fire, one way or another, as I did with you. When you cared about a project, it got done. You lived life with passion and fire directed in what ever direction you were led. I never really understood how your type A and my laid back personality fit together, but we made it work for a long time.
Looking back, I really learned a lot about myself and relationships from you. I learned what love can look like, and what a relationship can be, both the good and the bad. I will admit that I was not always the perfect husband, but my whole experience showed me how I can be better, and what the perfect relationship for me will look like.
I'm not going to say that I feel guilty for what happened, because I don't. I do know that there were times in my life that I failed you August. I wish that I didn't, but I know that is part of being human. I hope that you forgave me in the end, August. I also hope you know I forgave you.
I took a long walk last night. I didn’t plan it, but the walk too me past a lot of places that hold special memories of you for me. I walked past the apartment we first lived in. I remember the night we were married leaving that apartment, rushing to get away, only to have to turn back a couple of times because we forgot something. I remember being cozy and safe there. I walked by the church we were married in. I remember the relationship you formed with many of the middle school youth. I want you to know that you touched them, and made a difference in their lives. I sat on a wall on the south side of the church and said a long prayer for you August. I prayed for your family and friends as well, that they will find healing. I prayed for forgiveness for me, I know I wasn’t always perfect. I prayed for thanksgiving, because I know you are now with your heavenly father. I also walked by the place that I think was probably the most precious place in the world for you; the place that I think gave you the most joy, and also probably caused you the most pain. I wondered if you visited the same ground I did in the previous day. You taking me there for the first time is probably still the most precious thing anybody has ever done for me. I know I will never forget the emotions I felt that day August.
I know you had a lot of demons in your life, and I wish that you were better able to fight them. I know you did some things in your life that you wished you had never done. I don’t know if you ever forgave yourself for some of them August. Even if you didn’t though, God did. I hope you know that now. I don’t know if you loved yourself the way I saw you love others. God loved you; he still does. August, we came to a lot of pain from our relationship. I really do regret that, but I wanted to let you know that from that pain came my decision to become a pastor. I was hoping to share that with you someday, but I didn’t know how to tell you. I’m telling you now. We were not meant to be together in this life, we were too different. We tried to make something happen that shouldn’t have. We tried and we got burned. I still want you to know that I don’t regret any of it. I don’t regret the fights, or the falling out. I certainly don’t regret loving you the way I did. You will always have a place in my heart August. I would not be the person I am today without you.
I am happy with my life now August. I am excited to live it to the fullest, and go where God will take me. I have met and dated some of the most incredible women, and they have also played roles in my life. I hope that you were able to experience some of that as well.
I think you spent a lot of your life looking to find a peace that was always out of reach girl. I truly hope and believe that you have finally found that peace.
Good bye August, you will be missed.

Impatience.....

2006-05-06T01:09:00.000-06:00

I'm reading a great book right now by an author I have enjoyed for a long time, Larry Bond. I am famous for taking great submarine suspense novels and reading them until all hours of the night, and tonight is no different, but it's a good distraction.

I've been remiss in updating this lately because I have been pretty busy between the job, church and social life, but probably the biggest reason is I have felt that I haven't had a lot of things about my life to report to the world lately. I've been in a hurry up and wait mode for a little while now and figured I didn't need to tell the world that. I realized today though that while letting everybody know what is going on in my life is one reason I started this online journal, it wasn't the main reason. I like having the ability to be able to jot down what is going on in my head to help me sort through my thoughts, feelings, emotions ect.... Isn't that what a journal is about in the first place?

I have been feeling very stressed over the last few days. I am normally the most easy going person I know and it works for me. I don't stress too much about things, and they normally work out very well for me in the end. I'm trying to figure out why I'm feeling so nervous about waiting for my financial aid letter from Dubuque then. I am sure that I am being let to ministry, and I feel strongly that my path is meant to run through the Dubuque seminary program. I have been assured that I should have no problem getting the aid I need from the financial aid director at the school. All my paperwork is in, and while some of it may have been turned in a little late, it wasn't really all that late. All this being said, I feel my whole future hanging in the balance of what one little letter will say to me. I don't think I have ever wanted something so bad in my life, and the thought of not being able to attend school is heartbreaking to me. I want to start figuring out when I can move, how much I need to save, where I will be living, when I can quit my job and a hundred other things right now, and I feel that I can't do any of this until I know for sure I have the funding to attend. It's a weird feeling for me to be on the pessimistic and worrisome side of the isle because I don't normally stress about these things. I know that stress will not help me out and that the decision is out of my hands, but can't they let me know now. Patience is a virtue, and I can wait this out, but by the time I'm done I may have gray hair. I don't know how to take it easy and stop worrying about this. I don't know if this is God telling me that I'm not going to get it. That I waited too long and that he wants to teach me a lesson about procrastination. I don't know if I'm just being paranoid and need to relax. I know I'll figure out these stresses pretty soon one way or another, and I feel like a big whiner because I'm stressing, but hey , anybody want to say a quick prayer for me, I would appreciate it.

Conformation

2006-04-28T23:22:00.000-06:00

When I first started working at Group Publishing the first thing I noticed was the sense of community that existed within the organization. Joining Group was a lot like joining a family. There were a lot of smiles, laughs and good times there, but like any family life wasn't always perfect. Leaving my job at Group was not a difficult thing, but leaving the family was. I figured that I would move on, but I doubted that I would ever find another home that accepted me as quickly as I felt Group's employees did.
This week I traveled to my first choice of seminary programs at the University of Dubuque. After spending only a couple of days on the campus I feel even more certain that Christ is calling me into a lifetime of ministry, and that Dubuque is where I need to prepare for that life. The acceptance I felt while experiencing chapel services, attending classes, visiting with professors and just chatting with students was unlike anything I have ever felt before. I wasn't even registered with the Seminary, but I already felt like a fellow student on campus. By the time I left I had signed my acceptance letter and wrote a check to reserve my spot for the fall. I still need to finalize my housing and financial aid situations, but I have no doubt that God will provide for me what I need.
From the get go my trip was a very cool experience. I arrived at the Dubuque airport right on time and met the student who was picking me up. We shook hands and then he informed me that he was also dropping somebody off at the airport who he figured I may like to meet. He took me over to a very friendly looking gentleman he introduced as Rick Ufford-Chase, the current moderator of the Presbyterian Church General Assembly. He has served since the 2004 GA and will be replaced in June of this year at the 2006 GA. It was fun being able to take a few minutes to speak with him, call this divine appointment number 1. Upon arriving on the campus I settled into the guest room in the administration building and we headed to dinner at a fun restaurant in town called Bricktown. It was a great meal.
After that I was asked if I wanted to attend a chapel service that evening that was centered around a drama written and performed by some of the students. The service was excellent, and afterward I was able to meet quite a few of the seminary students. At the end of the evening I walked back to my room put on a coat and went to an outdoor rock concert a local band was putting on in the open area outside my building. All in all it was a great first night on campus.
The next morning started off excellent as well. I had a free pass to the coffee shop on campus to grab a muffin and something to drink for breakfast before I attended the chapel service that morning. I was sitting by myself in the coffee shop when a gentleman I recognized from all the literature I have been sent as the president of the university, Jeffery Bullock walked in. He ordered something for breakfast and headed my way commenting that he didn't recognize me, and asked my name. When I mentioned that I was just visiting the campus he sat down with me while he ate his breakfast and chatted with me. He mentioned that he had served a church in Colorado early in his pastoral career and was very encouraging to me. It spoke volumes to me about the kind of atmosphere I would find on this campus to have him take time to sit down unscheduled with me. I called this my divine appointment number 2. The rest of my Wednesday was spent visiting with admissions, financial aid, having lunch with many of the Seminaries Presbyterian students, and auditing a class on the theology of Calvin by my advisor.
After having dinner at a great mexican restaurant in town with another student I just wandered around the campus for a little while ending up in the library. I was recognized by a seminary student who invited me over to chat. I didn't make it back up to my room until about 10:30 that evening.
Thursday was my last day on campus and the morning started out early. I ate breakfast in the school's cafeteria to see what it would be like, and then attended an 8:00 class. Following class I attended my last chapel service. This was a beautiful service put on by several of the first year seminary students with some more contemporary style music and group prayer elements. It was a very cool experience. After chapel I met with the pastor to students at the seminary and another professor.
I met a married student and his wife for lunch where again the president of the university sat with us for lunch. He remembered my name from the previous day, and was chatting with the other students at the table about going trap shooting with them this summer possibly. I finished up my day by going on a housing tour of the Seminary and looking at the townhouses that I'm hoping will be available for me in the Seminary Village near campus. The last meeting I had on campus was with Mark Actemeier my advisor, a member of the Peace, Unity and Purity committee of the church, and a friend to the pastor of my church. We had a great conversation in the coffee shop for about an hour talking about many different things.
I left campus knowing that this is where I belong, and excited at the prospect of joining the student population next year. I know that seminary will be very demanding and difficult, and that it won't always be perfect. It's a lot like my experience at Group, a family that sometimes will struggle, but will also find plenty of time to smile, laugh, and enjoy each other. A place where I know I can grow in faith and find a model for my own future ministry.

A good Good Friday

2006-04-15T22:57:00.000-06:00

I have plane tickets to Iowa, and I'm rather upset about that fact at the moment. No I'm not upset that I'm going to visit Dubuque, I'm upset that the price I had to pay for the tickets doubled overnight before I purchased the tickets. I guess that's chalk one up to the whole don't procrastinate rule. Not a happy lesson. I am excited about going to see the University of Dubuque campus though. I should be able to meet with the housing and financial aid offices to help me get squared away for next year. I'm hoping that I will also be able to meet with my faculty advisor while I'm there as well. I also think I will be able to sit in on a class and see what that experience will be like, as well as attend a lunch function for the Presbyterian students on Wednesday. In all I will travel to Dubuque on Tuesday the 24th, and fly back to Denver on Thursday the 27th. A quick happy trip.

So yesterday was Good Friday, and it was a good Friday. Due to some difficult goals my team accomplished during the last quarter, we earned a Friday afternoon off with the company buying drinks for us at the Rio, a popular Mexican Restaurant with the best margaritas in town. I like the people I work with, but I don't think I will ever have any strong connection to any of them. Most of this is probably due to the fact that I'm not letting myself get close to anybody, and I feel I have to be guarded around them, so I don't slip up and let everybody know my plans to quit in a few months. There are other reasons as well though, that I doubt I'll ever get too close. Most of the people on my team are probably close to my age, or younger. I know a few are pretty much straight out of college. I had a fun time just sitting back over drinks and just listening to everybody's conversations, and realized that while my path isn't theirs, it very easily could have been 6 years ago. This is a group of young people who are very good at their job, and I'm becoming very aware of how different this job can be at times. With most professional jobs you work in one industry, but by selling advertising space, we are working in a lot of different businesses across the board. We work with business owners who are plugged into the community every day, and these owners come to know us. In every other job I have had, when you get together with friends after work, inevitably you start to talk about your job and your company. This group doesn't talk about the paper; they talk about what is going on in all the other businesses around town. They talk about what is big news as insiders because they find out from the sources everyday. It's a unique way to be plugged into the community, and to know the people who make a difference in town. Most of my coworkers are able to do it at a young age, when most of their peers are only concerned about what time the local bar closes. I would have loved that opportunity in my younger days, when making money and obtaining status was more important to me.

I skipped church last night as well. Maybe I should have attended a Good Friday service (I never even bothered to check if and when Mountain View had theirs) and I was invited to hear a friend of mine sing in her choir in Fort Collins, but I decided that I wanted some alone time to worship. I went to my absolute favorite church in the world, Rocky Mountain National Park. I have always loved driving there at night after the park closes and just finding a place off the road to pull over and watch the stars as I lay on the hood of my car. I was able to roll down the windows of my car and listen to the wind gently blow, and enjoy the silence of the park after dark as I read my Bible. Can you imagine a quiet night about 2000 years ago as Jesus prayed in the garden? The quiet that was broken by a legion of soldiers coming to arrest him to set forth in motion the most amazing thing ever to happen in history. That would have been Thursday night. Can you then imagine the quiet of Friday night, as the friends and family of Jesus had to come to grips with what had happened in only 24 hours? What would it have been like to be there 2000 years ago?

A little bit of vanity

2006-04-13T20:57:00.000-06:00

"Give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair."

I'm feeling a little vain today, but I'm enjoying it. As far back as I can remember I've kept my hair pretty short. I have always wanted to look professional, and I didn't want taking care of my hair to be a difficult chore. Call it laziness, call it not being adventurous, or just call it not thinking about it; whatever it was I kept it short. I've noticed a pattern forming in my life lately. Every time my life takes a dramatic shift I try to do something to reinvent myself. When I got divorced I decided that I wanted to change my living space. I started paying attention to shows such at trading spaces, and appreciating art and furniture more (which was easy since I worked in a furniture store). I threw away all of my towels, bed covers, dishes ect... and purchased new ones. I even bought some decorating books. That fad faded a bit, but then I moved back to Colorado. While I was in the process of moving I had my girlfriend at the time go through my entire closet with me. A great deal of my clothing at the time didn’t fit, had holes in it, or was just plain out of style. We threw away over half my wardrobe. We went shopping and bought a lot of new clothes that were in style making me look good, as well as feel good. I'm still not a fashion master, but I do look a lot better these days, and I have kept a pledge I made at the time to always take a friend of the opposite sex clothes shopping with me. In November, when I lost my job and made the choice to go to school, I decided to see what I would look like with longer hair. I figured I wouldn't need to worry about looking so professional while I was in school; so what the heck! Since October I have visited Super Cuts only once for a small trim, and it's amazing the results I have seen. I have received all kinds of compliments from people saying they like me with the longer hair. I now understand why women like to be complimented on their appearance. It feels good, and makes people feel good about themselves. I have enjoyed the attention I’ve received about longer hair, and I'm looking forward to growing it even more. I like the look, and it's something different for me.

My choice

2006-04-09T21:31:00.000-06:00

So I am finally at peace now. I have made my decision for school, and I really do feel good about it. The choice eventually just boiled down to my realization that I always felt the need to defend my attending Austin, while I never felt the need to defend Dubuque. I'm disappointed that I won't be in Austin with my family who mean a great deal to me, but in the end I had to go to the place where I felt I was being called. Now I'm moving on to focusing more on financial aid, and traveling to Iowa to see the campus and check out some classes. I also get to start thinking about housing and things like that. My lease runs out in June, and I also need to figure out what I'm going to do for living the rest of this summer. I wouldn't mind if I can go month to month for the rest of the summer, but I also wouldn't mind the offer to live with some friends rent free for the summer. It would be nice to save some money. I guess its one thing at a time. Well, I want to thank everybody who has said prayers for me over the past few weeks. Please keep praying for me, I can use all I get, and I love ya all.

Wine Night

2006-04-06T23:24:00.000-06:00

I was in a car accident today. I was driving home from work at about 5:45 today, talking to my friend James on my cell phone. I stopped before an intersection at a green light, because the traffic was backed up a block and to proceed forward would stop me in the middle of the intersection. The next thing I knew I heard a loud bang, and experienced a strong jolt as I cried out in a bit of surprise. I guess I took the lady driving behind me by a bit of surprise when I stopped, as she had slammed into the back of me. Granted she took me by a bit of surprise too. I found the cell phone I had been talking on in the back seat a couple of minutes later. I think James was a little worried when our conversation was cut off so abruptly. Not to worry, nobody was injured, and while her car was crumpled up pretty well, my car only has cosmetic damage from all I can tell. The police department just told me to go into a station tomorrow and report the accident, so it really wasn't a huge deal. Good things can come out of bad things though.

I have lived with my step sister for almost a year now. We didn't grow up together like most siblings would because we were both pretty much grown up by the time our parents married. She is pretty reserved most of the time, and we don't spend a lot of time together for the most part. We have started on little event though, that I have become very thankful for, and will probably never forget. This event has probably happened four of five times in the year, and has become known as "Wine Night."

I was feeling a little sorry for myself after my car accident, so I stopped by the liquor store on the way home to grab a bottle of wine and a 12 pack of beer (I blame the Corona drinker I was chatting with last night for that). Wine night basically has always started with one of us buying a bottle of wine and offering the other a glass of whatever we have purchased. It inevitably ends about four or five hours later when the bottle of wine is empty. Tonight became Wine Night.

The beauty of Wine Night is that I have gotten to know my sister a lot better in a short period of time. It's a time when we can talk about what is going on in our lives. We can talk about jobs, relationships, religion, music, politics and some other topics we won't mention because of certain readers and a wine night pact.........

Missy and I are very different people and have different view of life. We have a great respect for each other though, and our conversations have been some of the best I have ever been in. I have always said that every guy should have a female friend whom he can learn from and vice versa. This relationship has pretty much formed with Missy and me over our bottle of wine, and I have learned a lot about her, the female sex, and myself these nights. One of the questions I posed to her tonight asked "Name a night that was soo perfect in your life, that you will never forget it." To tell the truth, our Wine Nights are some of those nights for me. It's amazing how I had a car accident tonight, but the reason I will probably never forget today has nothing to do with that!

Indecision…

2006-04-04T22:04:00.000-06:00

One of the reasons I started my blog was to be able to put my feelings down on paper (or the net as the case may be) in order to help me organize my thoughts and figure things out. I am feeling the need to do that tonight as I try to make one of the biggest decisions of my life. I am feeling very paralyzed as I try to decide whether to go to seminary in Dubuque or Austin. I don't feel that either is a bad choice and I can come up with very good reasons to attend both. In the end the choice rests with me, but part of me is screaming to have somebody make the decision for me so I don't have to. My fear is not that I am going to hate where I go, but that I will pass up a better opportunity by choosing one over the other. I know that I am being called to ministry, but I don't know where I'm being called to go right now and that is frustrating.

The University of Dubuque Theological Seminary:
This is the seminary where the pastor of my church is pushing me to go. I have a great deal of respect for Bob, and I value his opinions very much. Bob is not afraid to push his opinions though, and a large part of my desire to attend Dubuque is because of his recommendation. I almost fear turning Dubuque down because of the respect Bob has for the school. I am convinced that this school does fit my theology better then Austin and I have been made very familiar with some of the faculty here. One faculty member I have been told a lot about happens to be the person who would be my advisor at Dubuque. He has been a member of the Peace, Unity and Purity commission of the Presbyterian Church, which I have been studying the last month on Tuesday nights. To turn down the chance to get to work with Dr. Achtemeier regularly would be a very difficult thing to do for sure. That fact alone may be the biggest draw I feel toward going to Dubuque, in fact that alone may be the reason I am struggling with this decision so much. This seminary program is strongest in preparing students to be ministers in smaller congregations. This is by far where the greatest need for pastors is in the church right now, and honestly most Presbyterian churches are very small congregations. My fear is that I don't know that I am being called to pastor in a small church. I am open to that ministry, but I also would love to explore options of working in things such as young adult ministries in larger churches as well. I am afraid that I won't see as many specialized options for ministry training available in Iowa. I also fear that I won't like the town. I lived in Indiana for almost two years and didn't like the experience. I will acknowledge the fact that there were other reasons for me not liking Fort Wayne, but I think the location is a real concern of mine as well. I think my last fear is the size of the school at Dubuque. I wanted to go to a smaller school, but this is a very small school with probably less then 50 new students to the seminary program each year. Will I be able to find a group of like minded students my age to become close to? I don't know that answer. Dubuque will give me the chance to form very close friends though. I love the program they have that requires students to participate in spiritual development groups their first year on campus, and last semester. These are basically small groups of seminary students and an advisor who will gather each week to share in fellowship, bible study, devotions, and other activities to help develop spiritual growth in very relational ways. This is probably the second biggest reason I fear saying no to this school.

Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary:
Probably the biggest draw to Austin for me is the built in support I already have in place there. I have family in Austin that I absolutely adore. My Aunt, Uncle and cousins are very involved in a Presbyterian church already in the city, and will be a great support system for me. My cousin Lindsey is also thinking about ministry in her future, and she plans to enroll in Austin Seminary in a couple of years most likely. I love the thought of being able to attend seminary with my cousin. I also think Austin is a good fit for me with my lifestyle. I am thirty, but I'm single and like to live a pretty single lifestyle. There is a lot more to be offered in Austin in my free time, and the school is larger. I don't worry about being able to meet some people who have things in common with me in Austin. Texas is also much closer to my family in Arizona, and an easier trip to Colorado to see family and friends here. Holidays will be easier in Austin whether I stay in place or need to travel. Notice that the aspects that attract me to Texas don't have as much to do with the school. Is it selfish to focus so much on my own comforts when I am going to school to prepare myself to be God's servant? Part of me feels like none of these should be any reason to choose one seminary program over another. There are aspects of the school that draw me to Austin as well though. One if the experience I have had dealing with the admissions office at Austin. They have by far been the easiest office to work with between all the schools I have applied to. When I call, they answer the phone, and if the can't I have always had the call returned that day. The same can't be said for the other schools I have looked at. A friend of mine who attended Dubuque also pointed out to me that Austin will give me more opportunities to explore different paths into ministry. I was pretty sold on Dubuque until this fact was pointed out. I don't know that I want to work with a small church, and if that is the case, Austin could be the better school. My fears with Austin are very real too though. I don't know as much about the faculty here. I know that this school leans farther to the "left" then does Dubuque, and that is a very real concern to me in a church that already leans too far that direction in the first place. I want to attend a school that will challenge me, but not one that will beat me down with theology I can't agree with. Not being as familiar with the school has made choosing Austin more difficult for me.

As I said, my goal is to make a decision by this weekend. I don't think I can make a wrong choice, but I'm sure that in the end one of the schools would be a better choice for me. I just have to figure out which. Anybody who has managed to muddle through my thoughts to this point, please say a prayer for me this week for God to help guide me to which school he would have me choose. I know in the end, he will let me know and give me peace with my decision, but right now I think my hair is all turning gray, at least that which is not falling out......

11:00 Newscast

2006-03-30T23:48:00.000-06:00

I love my digital camera, but I'm beginning to think it may not be a good thing for me. I love this picture I took coming home from work yesterday. I shouldn't mention that I took it through the passenger window of my car (you can see how dirty the window is) while driving down the highway at 55 mph.
What can I say; is there a more beautiful scene then a Colorado sunset?

I feel I've been a bit remiss in updating my blog lately. I find myself being that person who checks everybody else's blog in hopes that I will have some fun new photos to see, or some interesting news to read about, but I haven’t had any great epiphanies to blog about recently.

I feel a little weird lately. I feel like I always am on the go with something to do, but when I look back at what I've accomplished, I feel like I haven't done anything lately. I have a lot I want to do right now, but results come slowly. I'm not feeling guilty about my work situation anymore. I went into work today and found out that the lady that was pretty much responsible for hiring me was laid off today. She is the second manager who has been laid off due to restructuring since I arrived at the job. I did find it interesting that the company waited until she participated in securing our biggest advertiser for the year before they pulled the plug though. I recognize that layoffs are sometimes part of business, but I hate when companies do it in the manner they have been done in this case. One day your there, and then next your office is locked, and you have a meeting to let everybody know your gone. No chance to say goodbye. Maybe it's just me, but it's not what I think of as being humane.

We had a singles meeting at my house tonight, and I did something I have never done. I learned how to use my crock-pot. I made chili tonight, and it really turned out pretty good. We only had a few people again, but I've really enjoyed our meetings, and I think the others have as well.

This Sunday could be interesting for me. Our True Love Waits youth program ended a few weeks ago, but we have a "Ring Ceremony" for the youth this week. It's basically a chance for the youth to make a public statement in front of people they love and trust to remain sexually pure. At the end of the program their parents, or an adult sponsor, will present the youth with a ring saying true love waits they can wear to remind them of this pledge. I found out yesterday that our youth director will not be able to be at the program because of a sudden death in the family. I volunteered to take over and now I get to write a 10 minute message for the program. I wonder when the last time these parents listened to a message regarding sex at church with their kids. It could be fun.

I'm still going back and forth between which school I want to attend. Sometimes I wish a voice would just emerge from the clouds (imagine it in the pic above) and just tell me what to do. Why is discerning God's will sooo difficult sometimes?

Sunday should be fun. I'm going to play laser tag with some friends up in Denver. One of my friends is going to bring a friend of hers she thinks I would get along famously with. Being set up is fun sometimes if there are absolutely no expectations. I'm actually looking forward to the night.

Well that is pretty much life in my little corner of the world right now. Be safe and I'll chat with you all later.

Go to Church and win a Harley!

2006-03-26T22:35:00.000-06:00

I was first exposed to Set Free Church when I moved back to Colorado after spending two years in Indiana. I was driving down one of the main streets in Loveland and noticed a big white trailer sitting by the side of the road next to what used to be the bingo hall in town. On the side of the trailer in big black letters were the words SATAN SUCKS!
"The Biker Church" as it's known around here is in your face, and hardcore. The music is hard and loud, and the members are people who you wouldn't expect to see in church. The church targets people who have been burned by organized religion before. They reach out to people who are fighting addictions, and problems with life. The youth pastor at Set Free has a powerful testimony, telling how he first met God in prison. We invited him to speak to both our middle school and senior high youth groups tonight. He came, and brought his hard rock praise band and whole youth group with him. It's amazing sometimes to see the Holy Spirit move. On one side of the fellowship hall was the youth of Mountain View. This may be somewhat stereotypical but, most of our kids come from upper middle class homes. Many participate in athletics, or student counsel at school. Most have never needed for anything in their lives. On the other side of the room were the youth from Set Free. Most were wearing some form of black clothing, much of it with the set free logo. They had multiple piercings, and looked very out of place in a suburban upper middle class church. You could tell how uncomfortable our kids were with our visitors in the building. They pretty much hung around with each other, and let the other group hang out on the other side of the room. When the praise band started, the Set Free youth were front and center on their feet, while most of our youth were in the back row in their seats. Over time a few braver souls came forward and felt freer to participate. Brian, their youth pastor, then gave his moving testimony. At the end he invited kids who felt they needed prayer to come forward, not something done normally in our very intellectual Presbyterian Church. Many of their kids came forward, but then ours did too. It was amazing to see the youth of both churches praying over each other, and bridging the gap between two very different churches. It was so good to see that they realized that thought we have many differences; we are all part of the universal church, the body of Christ. Two groups of youth were willing to leave their comfort zone tonight, and experience growth in Christ. I love that there can be diversity in the Church. Most of the members at Set Free will never feel comfortable walking into a service at Mountain View. I will probably never choose to worship in a place like Set Free, not because it's bad, but because it's not me. It's important for people to find a place where they can feel free to worship in a style, and with people who can help them connect to God in a deeper way. Everybody is different; therefore the churches that we choose to attend are going to be different. We are all connected though by the bond Christ gave us in his death and resurrection. Tonight was a great lesson in don’t judge a book by its cover, Christ never did.

Well, it's now decision time. I got two phone calls this week telling me I've accepted into both the University of Dubuque Theological Seminary, and Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary. Basically I've been accepted into all three schools I've applied to. I won't be able to visit all three campuses because of vacation time, and money restraints, so I'm planning on picking a school, and then just visiting that campus. If I hate it, I can then do choice two, but I can't imagine disliking any of the schools.

The Wind of Change

2006-03-20T23:23:00.000-06:00

I have a pretty random stream of thoughts tonight, but I'm hoping that I may be able to piece them all together in some coherent fashion as I write. I have found that sometimes just writing everything down brings some order and peace to the thoughts moving in my head.

I was inspired to watch one of my favorite movies tonight, Dead Poets Society. The message of "Carpe Diem, Seize the Day" still resonating in my head, I decided to check my e-mail. The slightly cryptic message residing in my inbox leads me to believe that two of my best friends in the world have finally become new parents for the first time.

It's funny how life can change in the blink of an eye. Just that quickly, everything is different then it was before, and life will never be the same. I look back at my life, and even though I would like to think that I'm the same person I have always been, how can I with all the change I have seen. Change is a scary word to many people, and it can be one of the most beautiful things, or it can be one of the most terrible and traumatic. Over the last few years I have seen both. I have seen friends fall in love, marry and have children. It's surreal to realize that I'm now probably in the minority of my friends as many now have families that include kids. I love to see the happiness in the lives of these people who mean so much to me, but at the same time I miss what once was. Change happens! Change can also be terrible. My life has seen a lot of this change. I have been told of lifelong disease with diabetes. I have seen love turn to angst. I have seen death come to people I have cared about at very young ages. Birth and death.....Change!

Some changes you can't control, but others you can. To quote from Dead Poets Society....

"But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be? "

I have stated before that I feel my life is at a crossroads. I have decided which road I'm going to take, and that will change the course I originally plotted for my life. I’m sometimes afraid of the change, but I know I’m being led by the Holy Spirit. I’m being told to “Seize the Day” choose your path. I love Robert Frost’s poem.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I have chosen my path, but now I start to think back to the line, “That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?" What will my legacy be, and what are my goals for ministry? I have thought a lot about this, and I want my verse to be change. I want to see people changed in a relationship with Christ. I want to be a force for that change, and want to make a difference in people’s lives. I don’t want much; I simply want to change the world!

“Carpe Diem, Seize the Day!”

On Stage

2006-03-19T13:10:00.000-06:00

Personal growth is about leaving your comfort zone. You will never grow mentally, emotionally, or spiritually if you always follow the same routine, and don't take any risk. I remind myself of this fact often in my life. I'm going to have to keep reminding myself of this as well. I was asked today by the senior pastor of my church if I would be interested in preaching on a Sunday sometime this summer. I answered yes very quickly, as I was hoping that I would get that opportunity sometime before I left for seminary. It's not comfortable doing this, but at the same time, it's very comfortable. I have never had a fear of public speaking, and I have been in front of this church many times for different reasons. This time is different though, and this time I will be preparing a lesson for the same people who have helped bring me up in my faith. It will be a growing experience.

Church was great today as we had a concert performed by the Sterling College Choir. This choir typically comes to Mountain View every 3 years or so, and they always do an incredible job. The college is in Kansas, but is affiliated with the Presbyterian Church. The student body president of the college this year, is a member of Mountain View, and was in middle school when I helped with the program during my college days. I love the end of the concert. The choir exits from the risers they perform on, and circles the congregation while holding hands. The pastor does the benediction, and then the choir performs a final song/prayer, called Song of Simeon. The lyrics come from Luke 2:29-32.

"Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you now dismiss your servant in peace. For my eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared in the sight of all people, a light for revelation to the Gentiles and for glory to your people Israel."

It's a powerful experience to be a part of.

It promises to be a good week for me. I got to see an incredible performance by the concert choir today, I have tickets to see the Nuggets play the Spurs on Wednesday night, and I have tickets to see Momma Mia Friday. I also had a great time yesterday. I spend the morning in Estes Park, taking some photos for a class I'm sort of taking, but not really. That on the other hand is a long story.

Vacation

2006-03-15T21:51:00.000-06:00

I need a vacation!!!

Ok, so this may seem a pretty trite statement considering I spent most of the last three months sleeping in till about noon, but it's true. I have always loved to travel, but I almost never travel just for the sake of being able to travel. I travel to see relatives. I travel for business. I'm going to soon be traveling for school. I've traveled as I have moved across the country. I have so many friends who have been to foreign countries, not for some particular reason, but because they wanted to go have fun. I have friends who have traveled the country just to get away from their home for a week or so. The last few weeks I have just had this lingering desire to get away for a while and do something crazy. I want to just get in my car and drive somewhere, anywhere, but then responsibility kicks in and bites me in the ass. I think I'm still feeling some bitterness regarding my Las Vegas vacation for my 30th birthday. It was going to be my first REAL vacation since graduating from college. I was not traveling to see anybody or do anything important. I was traveling to drink a little, gamble some, and hang out with friends. It was two days before I left that I was told I may be losing my job. I pretty much spent the whole vacation feeling sick to my stomach and miserable. Things worked out for the best in the end, but darn it, I want my vacation back!

Other then that everything is going pretty good, but boring. I like my new job, but I'm ready to be done with training. I'm starting to get bored on a daily basis already. The singles ministry is meeting tomorrow and I'm not quite sure how many will show, but that should be pretty fun too. Other then that, not too much to report.

The Beauty of Grey

2006-03-11T18:38:00.000-06:00

It has been a pretty blah day today. The snow from the other day has for the most part melted, but the sky has been very overcast and the sun has just been a haze. I have not been able to get a hold of any friends this afternoon, so I've pretty much spent most of the day watching movies, reading, and doing some studying for a class I'm taking.

I did sneak out for a while this afternoon and was reminded of the joy Christ can bring you on even the grayest of days. The first photo I took from my back yard while letting my dog out at about 3:30 this afternoon. You can see how dark and gray it is, yet the beauty of his creation is evident even in my backyard. It's easy to get busy and preoccupied to the point that you forget to pay attention to the beauty of life that is all around us. I know that I am guilty of this quite often, as I rush from appointment to meeting to gathering, often feeling even more rushed by the fact that as usual I'm running late.

The second photo here is what caught my attention in the first place. I was bored and grumpy that I was stuck indoors but the first sight I saw as I stepped out my front door this afternoon was the flock of pink flamingos that sprang up overnight on my neighbor’s yard. I'm sure this was done as a b-day prank or something of that sort for the teenage girl that lives in the house, but just stuck me as something fun and refreshing. It got me to start looking at the day from a new perspective.

"This is not a black and white world. To be alive I say that the colors must swirl. And I believe that maybe today we will all get to appreciate the Beauty of Grey"

Ok, so I'm back to song lyrics to make a point, but I do believe that songwriters are the true poets of my generation. This particular song by Live is definitely an old favorite of mine. I mentioned earlier that I'm taking a class. This is a School of Christian Living class being offered at my church regarding a recent report focused on the "Peace, Unity and Purity" of the Presbyterian Church. There have been many battles in the church lately regarding among other things authority of scripture, and requirements of ordination in the church. As the report states, both sides have arguments very grounded in scripture as to what their sides believe. As much as people on each side want to attack the other side, it's irresponsible because the other side is striving to serve the Lord as much as anyone else. What I have read of the report so far seems to strike a balance between both sides of each issue, and seems to attempt to strike a conciliatory tone, which is important. I don't think the world operates in a black and white manner, and most of the time you can't set hard and fast rules on complicated issues. It's a grey world, and communication with respect is important while dealing with these complex issues. The questions I have been mulling over in my mind the last few days though regard the fact that eventually decisions do have to be made regarding what the church believes. Eventually some people are not going to like what is decided. It's important to recognize the gray in between the issues, and hopefully any agreement will be somewhere in the middle, but if the church can't and won't make these decisions, it will be the church as a whole to suffer in the end. Four more weeks of this class to go and I think it will be a fun and educational lesson.

Notes on Life....

2006-03-10T21:35:00.000-06:00

I have ABBA on the brain right now. I just purchased two tickets to Momma Mia at the Buell Theater in Denver for March 24th. If you haven't heard of this smash hit, their website proclaims "With more productions playing internationally than any other musical, MAMMA MIA! is the World’s No.1 Show!" The beauty of the show is that the musical numbers are all songs made famous by the Swedish band ABBA. I love their music; it’s fun, energetic and just puts a smile on my face. Now I just need to find a date for that Friday night. Hmmmmm.....

I also got some good news yesterday. I have been accepted into my first seminary program. It's Regent College in Vancouver, British Columbia and it's pretty much been on top of my list. I received terrible grades during my undergrad studies though, so the acceptance is a probationary one. I'm not sure of what ramifications this will have on things such as financial aid, so I still need to wait for the official letter to arrive, but it's a step forward and it feels good to know that at least one school thinks I have what it takes. Now I just need similar news regarding two more institutions.

I did have my phone interview with the University of Dubuque Seminary program Wednesday morning, and I think I did well there as well, but it was interesting to say the least. I scheduled the interview on the same morning I started my new job, and my plan was to go find a coffee shop near work where I could take the phone call at 7:15. Not having worked for so long, I wasn't used to getting up early though, and I accidentally set my alarm on music instead of buzzer. I woke up about 40 minutes late and was forced to do the interview in my car as I was driving to my new job. Oops.

I am enjoying working at the newspaper, but I must admit I'm feeling a little guilty about it. I don't feel that I have been as forthright with the company as I wish I could be. I'm sure that they would not have been as enthusiastic about hiring me if they knew I was planning on quitting and moving out of state in about 5 months. I don't know if there was a right thing to do in this case, and I did what I felt was best, but I still feel bad.