Some free flowing thoughts on.......

I may be falling into a pattern here. It's about midnight; I have a glass of wine and Dido playing on itunes. Altogether, if it is actually a pattern, I'm not going to complain about even though I'm not somebody who enjoys routine.
It's looking like it may be the start of a promising week for me. I got two phone calls within about five minutes this morning. One was asking me to come in for a second job interview; the other was a request, following up on an interview, to fill out an official application so they can run a background check on me. It will be good to find another job. I find that laziness breeds laziness, and I have had little to do but be lazy lately. The first bible study for the singles ministry is Wednesday. I'm going to have lunch with some friends at my old company tomorrow, so I can buy some curriculum while I'm there. It should be a good afternoon. I also have an interview with the admissions director at Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary on Wednesday morning. I had originally put them third on my list, but the more I work with the admissions office there, the quicker they move up it. Thursday is my second interview for one of the jobs, and it promises to be a l0ng one. They told me to expect to be there about two hours to do some role playing. Friday night/Saturday morning I get to participate in a 24 hour prayer vigil at our church. I signed up to pray at the church from 2 to 3 am. I love this event our church does. It's a chain of prayer stretching 24 hours with somebody constantly praying in the sanctuary. There are also prayers being offered around the church for the people and programs of the church, and some security type volunteer positions as well.

I know my mom and grandma read this blog so......sex sex sex sex sex.

Ok, I had to throw in a little shock factor just for fun. On a more serious note though, this does seem to indirectly be the topic of the month for me. We are talking about sexual purity with both youth groups this month, and I find that the curriculum has been good for me, in that it has challenged a little bit of what I have always believed regarding what is and isn't appropriate in a dating relationship. It's also brought up some great debate with friends regarding whether teaching abstinence is effective and useful, not only in schools, but church as well. A great friend of mine has been trying to push the point that abstinence education is a waste of money. He points to stats that say people are going to have sex anyways, and that education on things such as contraception is much more useful. I will consent to the point that it's good for youth to understand the choices regarding contraception out there, but I think that the birth control camp misses the biggest point in the sex ed war. More people have been hurt deeper from the emotional ramifications of a sexual relationship then all the STD, pregnancy stories put together. There is not an emotional condom and many young people (and older for that matter) don't understand the emotions behind physical intimacy. One of two things can happen to people when they endure emotional scars from premature sexual relationships. One, they can carry these scars into all their future relationships causing difficult expectations and baggage to emerge. These are not insurmountable obstacles to a relationship, but the can cause hardship. The second action people can use in these intimate relationships is making sex into simply a physical action and nothing more. People strip away the emotional side of intimacy altogether. Sex is one of the greatest gifts God has given us, and by taking the emotion out of sex we rob ourselves of the ability to share true intimacy with our partner when the time is right (marriage if you must ask). It seems to me in the end, sex education focused on contraception and birth control do teach about the physical sides of sex, but abstinence speaks about the physical, emotional, and spiritual sides. Which seems more effective to you?

Everybody knows your name

"Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got. Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot. Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came. You wanna be where you can see; our troubles are all the same. You wanna be where everybody knows your name."

I have always loved the theme song to Cheers. I even had to download it from Itunes tonight. It's so true that everybody is looking for acceptance out there, and sometimes it can be difficult to find. I have a bar that is my Cheers here in town called Remo's. It's not that everybody knows my name when I walk it, but it's a place that some of the staff know me, and always drop by and say hello. It became that way after one of the most magical nights of my life. I was out at the bar with my friends Angie and Becca one night, and we struck up a conversation with a girl, while sitting out on the patio. It was a beautiful summer night in Colorado, and they stars were out in force. It was warm enough that I was in short sleeves and warm at midnight. It turned out the girl we were talking to that night worked there and was off the clock. By the end of the night, the bar was closed, but we were still sitting out on the patio with about 6 members of the staff and the owner. I haven't had that much fun in a long time. One week later to the day, my friend Becca passed away from an aneurism at her home. I think she was 26. I am so thankful to this day that I had that last night with her, and that the last time I saw her was a time of great fun and enjoyment.
The girl we met at the bar that night is now my favorite waitress there. To tell you the truth, she is not a great waitress, but she always drops by to say hi whether she is waiting on us or not. If you watch her, she knows almost everybody who comes in the door of Remo's, and is great at making everybody feel welcome there. Many of the people that do come there really do know everybody's name. I love the people watching there, and trying to figure out everybody's story. It's a great tribute to the human race, whether Christian or not, to see how everybody there always seems to be one big family. I'm not blind, and I know there have to be troubles from time to time, but overall, it's a great place to be.
It's scary, but the church as a whole can learn a lot from Remo's. Read the lyrics to the song again, and ask yourself, "Is this the church I want to attend?" I know it's where I want to go. Time and time again I have seen people driven from the church because of misunderstandings, and people not being sympathetic. We all have troubles at times, and when we point blame, instead of lending a sympathetic ear we cause pain. I look at the people who come into the bar, and while I'll bet most don't attend a service on Sunday, they give each other a hug and a smile. They listen to each other's problems. They empathize with each other, and most of all they care. What a great model for a church. Hmmmmm.

Ok, side note tonight. My mom called me last night and left a message. My great grandmother died Tuesday night. I feel like a bit of a schmuck because my first reaction to the message was "you mean she was still alive?" I read the obituary today, and was even more shocked to hear that my name was listed under the survived by section. In my defense, she was the step mother to my grandpa who passed away my seventh grade year. I really never did know her that well, as my grandpa wasn't especially close to her; that's not to say they didn't get along though. I feel bad not even knowing that she was alive at the moment, but I do think I will go to her memorial service Monday.

Prayer requests

One of the reasons I like blogs is the form of people watching it offers. I love to go read my friends blogs, but then read their friends blogs as well. Its fun to see what is going on in the life of other people connected with my friends even though I don't know them. I was off doing this the other day, when I was inspired to copy somebody's page. As such you will notice a new section to my sidebar marked "Prayer Requests". Some of the requests will be for me, but many will be prayers for other people in my life that need prayer. I'm not somebody who will throw information about another person on the web freely though, so many of these prayers will probably be rather vague, but still worthy of your time I hope.

It has been a bit of a frustrating day today. I called 2 of the seminaries I have applied to, and both said they did not receive all of the information mailed to them. They were both missing some reference letters I know were sent, as well as transcripts that I had my schools mail out. I've always been very laid back, but I've found that sometimes I may be a little too trusting, and I forget to follow up in a timely manner. Oh well, every day is a new lesson, and now I know I need to jump on this. On a more positive note, I had a job interview yesterday that I'm hoping went well. The job would be in Boulder with a company that is only about a year old, but I think I may enjoy it. I'll try and keep you all posted as to what happens.

Sunday morning haziness

I just have one question, whose idea was it to put Sunday morning and church service immediately following Saturday night, and fun time. One of these days I may make it to church with more then 5 hours of sleep, but I'm not sure when that will be. I did have a good time last night though. How I had a good time I don't know. All the trash talking I did before hand with my poker buddies blew up in my face as I was the first person to go out. It probably was a bad idea to go all in, when the person across the table exclaimed just a moment before that she should have bought a lottery ticket that night because she would have won.

After poker I was giving a friend of mine a ride back to her car, but we got into a discussion about our faith as she is trying to come to grips with hers. That of course turned into a trip to IHOP, as they are conveniently open most hours of the day. We talked and had a great conversation till about two in the morning. I've actually had a rash of conversations along those lines this week, as someone came to me asking why I've decided to go into ministry because they are having similar thoughts, and somebody else asking for advice on how to handle a problem they are having at the church. It means a lot to me that people trust me enough to talk openly to me, and share pieces of their lives with me. It gives me confidence in my direction, and truly makes me happy.

I also had a comment made about me this week that I'm taking as a compliment. It was remarked that I'm a fascinating study in opposites. I'm one of the most laid back, take life as it comes to me, very content people they know, yet they also see me sometimes as very driven toward what I want to accomplish. I'm also the goofiest person they know in the world at one moment, and at the next one of the most serious. I like the fact that I can have a great time and not worry about life, while still recognizing my goals and reaching for them.

Four hot dates.

Ok, so let me set the scene. I'm wearing my best suit; the coat and all (I may add it's my only suit at the moment but I digress). I'm driving a nice Suburban with 4 good looking women in the back, telling me to take them all out to dinner. I told them that I was living every man's dream at that moment. We go get coffee, wine, dessert and then.......
I drop them off at one of their homes to have a great meal with their husbands, complete with the wine and dessert we purchased during the evening. My friend Steve called me last night (I mentioned this call in my last post) and asked me if I would chauffeur the ladies on a scavenger hunt for the items they would need for the date as kind of a late Valentines Day event for the girls. I drove them around tonight with all the money provided by the guys. The hitch for the ladies was they had to sing for a video camera I had their favorite love songs at each stop to get the money. It was a fun evening, and I only ran one stoplight with the girls in the car. Ok so maybe I'll never get a career in driving, but that's a different topic.
I guess my date for the evening was later when I went over to Tom's house and watched a movie with him and Bookie before playing Ice Hockey on the Playstation. Now it's a glass of wine and some Sarah McLachlan to wind down before going to bed.
Tomorrow (ok now it's tonight) is my poker night in Wellington, and I've been talking trash all week. It seems that everybody will be gunning for me this week. I love motivating my competition.

A drive in the snow

So, I've been running around with my digital camera in my car over the last few days. I've decided that a picture is worth a thousand words, so I'm branching out with my blog.

It snowed last night; the first real good snow of the year. I actually got up and shoveled mine and my neighbors walk this morning. I now know that I am really out of shape when my muscles were burning during the chore. It was fun though. I wanted to make a snowman in the front yard, but the snow wasn't wet enough to make it easy, and I had some other things to do.

This is one of my favorite drives in the world. It's the road that eventually will lead you into Rocky Mountain National Park. I love the narrows, the section you’re looking at. The road twists up the mountain with the walls of the Big Thompson rising straight up on either side of you. I have driven this canyon hundreds of times, and it never gets old. There are so many great sights and landmarks between Loveland and Estes Park, the town at the entrance to RMNP. I have always thought that it would be fun to create a photo journal of all these great places and tell the story of each business, historical landmark, and great view that you see as you make your way up the mountain.

I had an interesting phone call today, which could translate into an even more interesting day tomorrow. Because I don't know who reads this for sure, and I don't want to ruin any potential surprises for anybody, I'll let you know if anything happens later.....

Home

I don't understand morning people. Due to my dog wanting out of the house and not coming back in, and the massive amount of wind that is rattling the windows of my house, I have decided to try this morning thing out. I have so many things that I have been wanting to say for the past few days, and as I sit here downing my morning Diet Coke (yes I'm drinking straight from the 2 liter bottle), I have no clue how to put those thoughts into words. How do people get up each morning and function? It's one of the mysteries of the universe. I've been thinking a lot of my home in Colorado the last few weeks. I've been coming to realize that I probably won't live here in a year, and that I may not be able to call Colorado home for the remainder of my life. That's not to say that I won't always consider this place home no matter where I go.


On the wall of the youth room at my church (we call the room "The Mountain") is a passage from The Chronicles of Narnia, The Silver Chair.

"Here on the mountain I have spoken to you clearly: I will not often do so down in Narnia. Here on the mountain, the air is clear and your mind is clear; as you drop down into Narnia, the air will thicken. Take great care that it does not confuse your mind. And the signs which you have learned here will not look at all as you expect them to look, when you meet them there. That is why it is so important to know them by heart and pay no attention to appearances. Remember the signs and believe the signs. Nothing else matters."
When I have a lot on my mind, and I feel stressed, my escape for as long as I could drive has been to hop into my car and drive up into the Rocky Mountains. They have been a refuge where I can do my best thinking and praying. Being high on a mountain makes me feel closer to God, and always been a place to put things into perspective. As I started to question what God wanted me to do in life; it was long drives through RMNP that helped me to clarify my desire to attend seminary. With all the meetings, deadlines, jobs, bills, phone calls, responsibilities, media, and just general distractions of life it is difficult for me to find that quiet time alone with God. I rush from place to place, and that’s when the doubts, fear, and worries about my path in life set in sometimes. "Am I good enough, smart enough, or dedicated enough to make it through seminary?" "Can I really make a difference in people's lives, or is this all just a pipe dream?" Then I hop in my car and take a drive, and my fear vanishes, my doubts subside, and my questions turn into answers. God tells me to remember the signs and believe the signs. Nothing else matters.

Jesus didn't spend his ministry in his hometown, and I'm certain that I won't either. I question what I will do to replace the importance that the mountains, "my mountains", play in my life. I know God has a plan for me, but it is difficult sometimes to just follow his lead. One thing I do know no matter where my travels take me. Colorado will always be home.


Ok so just a side note; I had four people show up at my singles meeting yesterday evening. We have set up a regular time to meet, and I'm excited about where we may be able to go with this. More to follow I'm sure.

Watching kids

A lot of people think I'm a little messed up in the head. They wonder how a seemingly normal person would love to spend a weekend hanging out with a whole crowd of Jr. High kids, yet is scared stiff when it comes to dealing with children. Tonight the youth group did a service by babysitting the kids of the church while the parents had a night off. I've helped with these projects before, and every time, I’m reminded that I'm just not cut out for working with kids. At 6'3" and 210 pounds you would think that a preschooler wouldn't be a problem, but they intimidate me. I don't know how to understand what they are saying half the time, and don't know how to deal with them when they cry. What do you do for a little girl who cries’s and wants her daddy? I can control a room of Middle school kids no problem, when it comes to the crying preschooler, I give her to the Jr. High girl and let her work her magic.

Thank you everybody who has been praying for me, I think my job interview went well the other day. Now we cross our fingers that I get called back. Monday is my singles group, and all I can do now is show up prepared and hope that others show up as well. I've made my pitch and left some messages with some people, so we will see what happens. God normally finds a way for things to work out, so I'm putting my trust there.

Pray with me

So how does one describe their feeling about prayer in a daily blog section? I really think I'm biting off more then I can chew, but prayer has been on my mind a lot lately. I really believe in the incredible power of prayer, but it took me a long time. I used to be like so many people who only prayed when they needed something badly. You know the prayer, "Please God, I'll just die if I don't get a new car, or if I don't pass this test I didn't study for." I used to cringe at the thought of praying out loud in front of other people. At the time I thought "Why should I pray, it's not like any of my prayers are answered." I didn't get the new car until much later, and I almost never passed those tests that I didn't prepare for. It took me a while to realize that God answered those prayers, he just said No!
I'm still not the prayer warrior I sometimes think I should be, but I do try and take some time every day to talk to God. My private place to talk to God; in the car with the radio running and in the shower (I'm sure most of you didn't want to hear that.) I love that I can talk to God in my own language, and in my own way. I still forget that sometimes when praying out loud in a group. I forget the meaning of prayer, and try to be as elegant and thoughtful as other people I know. I think everybody has had that moment, when the prayer comes out somewhat like Ben Stiller's prayer in Meet the Parents. I strive to do better though, and my consolation is that while my words aren't always representative of my thoughts, God knows what I'm thinking and feeling as well.
So why am I talking about prayer today? Over the past month I have seen a lot of friends, and even more importantly friends of friends who have needed a great deal of prayer. I'm not able to list names or problems here, but I've been praying hard for these people, and I would love for everybody who reads this post to just say a quick prayer for the people whom God has placed in my life, and their friends and family. Call it my Pass it Forward prayer chain today.

So what's new in my life? I did appear before the congregation at my church Sunday and announced the planning meeting for my singles group next Monday. Now we will see if anybody will show up. I set up a new retirement account for me yesterday, and have rolled over some investments I had from previous jobs into it. Only another 35 years and then I can use it! I am finally set up for unemployment after only two months of not working; now I only have to wait another five weeks or so to get my first check. The big news of the day though is that I have a job interview on Thursday at 10:00. If you pray anything for me, that's where to direct that prayer.

Codeine and Comics

Well, if at first you don't succeed, give up and go see a doctor. I finally decided last night that enough was enough as I continued to hack up a lung at 3:00 am, so I gave in and scheduled a doctor’s appointment today. The good news is I'm healthy except for the bug that is going around. The better news, he wrote me a prescription for cough syrup with codeine. I may actually sleep well tonight.

Well my meeting with the Presbytery was today, and other then the fact that I think I was way overdressed, everything went very well. I'm now officially enrolled with the Presbytery as an inquirer. They really only had a few questions for me that were easy enough to answer, and we were done pretty quickly. My visions of the Alito hearings were pretty far off, unless you were looking at the republican response to him.

Ok, so one of the hot topics this week has been the outrage in the Middle East over the comics depicting Mohammed that were printed in papers in Denmark and France. I have seen a couple of the comics (thank you Google), and I'll agree that they were probably done in poor taste. I would be upset over that kind of depiction of Christ. What I find most interesting though is how this event illustrates how little the western and Middle Eastern cultures understand each other. The protests across the Islamic world seem to be aimed at the governments of Europe, instead of at the individual newspapers. One of the foundations of western culture is the freedom from government journalists are given. I highly doubt that the French or Danish government even knew that these images were going to press, or that they had any legal right to stop them. Protesting the governments is not going to do any good.
I also have to point out that in many of the protests, the point of the comics are being made. The image most commonly referenced in the media is a comic depicting Mohammed wearing a lit bomb as a turban. With demonstrators yelling "Death to Denmark and Death to France" in the streets, they are not helping their cause. I'm not arguing their right to demonstrate, we Christians do that often as well. In the media also right now is Christian outrage over NBC announcing that Britney Spears is going to do a cameo on Will and Grace as a Christian television personality with a cooking show called "Cruci-fixins". What you don't see are Christians calling for the death of NBC producers, but don't tell Pat Robertson you never know what he may do next.

People Watching

Ok, so it's another 2 a.m. and I'm not sleeping blog. I should have taken the Nyquil.

In the movie Love Actually, it ends with many different shots of people meeting loved ones at Heathrow Airport. I don't know if it was staged or not, but I love those scenes. Basically it comes down to my love of people watching. I think people are fascinating, and basically very beautiful. There are many great locations to people watch, but I think my favorite is church. Ok, so maybe it's bad that I like to observe what other people are doing when I'm suppose to be putting my attention on the Lord. In my defense though, I still say people are beautiful, and it's very spiritually uplifting and healing for me to watch the Holy Spirit move in others. I went to a service tonight at the Vineyard Church in Fort Collins before going to the Spiritual Warfare class my friend Les teaches. I don't know a lot about the Vineyard Church, but I do know they put a lot of emphasis on music. This church has a very contemporary style of music and is very popular with the college and young adult crowd. This is the reason that I first took notice of one gentleman there tonight. I was singing with my eyes closed to a song I really like at the beginning of the service when something brushed past my foot. I opened my eyes and saw that it was the walker of an old man that had entered my space. You could tell he needed the walker to get around, but he proceeded forward to about the third row and found a chair. He started to take of his jacket and was having a difficult time of it, when a young girl a few chairs down from him came over and helped him out of his coat. She was probably college age, about 19 or 20 I'm guessing, and she held the coat up for him as he tried to extract his arms. She helped him down and made sure he was comfortable. Later in the service they invited the congregation to the front for communion. I noticed the same girl go up and grab communion for 2. She took a piece of bread, and a cup back for the elderly gentleman. Now maybe she knew the gentleman, but it appeared to me, that she was meeting him for the first time. I would like to think that in the same position I would have done the same thing, but I know better. It's not that I would feel constrained to do such a thing; I just don't think I would have thought of it. Watching her serve this older gentleman made me feel warm inside. That is why people are beautiful, and why I love to people watch. I have many more observations that I could share tonight, but I feel sleep coming. Maybe I'll share more later.

No turning back

Well, I am past the point of no return. I have bulletins going in the church programs on Sunday at both services, and have put up 15 posters throughout the church advertising the new singles ministry. I'm scheduled to make an announcement in both services as well. I've set it up to have a "casting the vision" meeting on Monday Feb 13th. I was amazingly simple to get the meeting set up, but now I actually have to do some real planning. Fear is a great motivator. I think my biggest fear is that come the 13th, it's me sitting all alone in a room.

Friday is my meeting with the Presbytery Committee on Preparation for Ministry. I really don't know what to expect, but I've been told they will probably ask about things such as why I feel called and how do I hope to pay for school. I'm not afraid of the process, but I can't shake images of the Alito Supreme Court Hearings out of my head.

Well, I have some more work to do, but if you have a few minutes, keep me in your prayers for both these events.

Like finding a needle in a haystack

"You would lose your head if it wasn't attached to your body." Ok, so who hasn't heard this all time great cliché? Sometimes I think that they were talking about me when this was first said. I have a habit of leaving things behind places. I'll go out to my car to drive someplace, and realize my keys are still inside. I'll start driving away from home, and realize I forgot something and have to turn around. I once left my day planner at a friend’s house for a month (and people wonder why I'm not organized). Yesterday (ok Saturday night), I had a fun adventure because of this tendency. I went out with some friends for pizza, and then we were going to go to their house for poker (yes, I won). I planned this out in advance and made absolute sure I had my insulin with me for this purpose. We get to Pizza Hut, which I may mention is 30 minutes from my house, and eat a fun meal. After we eat we are going to my friends who live another 15 minutes in the opposite direction from my house. I go to give myself a shot of insulin, and realize that I do indeed have the insulin, but I don't seem to have a needle to inject said medication. Needless to say, I didn't want to go all the way home (30 min) and then to my friends (45 min), so I decide to go to the pharmacy across the street. It's closed at 7:30 on Sat night. Try another one in town, yep it was closed. Ok, off to Walgreen’s, they are normally open 24/7. I found the one Walgreen’s in town that wasn't. So finally I get to the 4th pharmacy in town and find that it's open. I have determined that I now know the hours of every pharmacy in the northeast part of Fort Collins, all to save about 10 minutes by the time all was said and done. Ahhhh my life.
I now have a job. Ok, so it's not a real job, but I'm going to be doing doggy day care for about an hour a day twice a week for a friend. She has four Swiss Mountain Dogs and wants to have somebody play with them a couple times a week around lunch. I feel bad taking her money for something I would normally do for free for a friend, but hey, I can use it right now. You can check out her webpage at www.gotswiss.net.
Still coughing......wondering how long this is going to last.

Just another day

Sometimes I think I have procrastination down to an art. I have always been very good at putting things off, but then still coming out smelling like roses. I just have this deep fear that someday it's going to catch up with me. Oh well, everyday is a new day.

I had a fun time tonight. I went out to a minor league hockey with some friends from Group where I used to work. There was I think 25 total people there, but that included family and such. It's a lot of fun to get together with that old crowd. I sometimes didn't like the job, but I'll still say it had the best people in the world to work with. Anyway we won tonight, and it was a pretty good game. I spoke with some other friends who attended the Nuggets game in Denver tonight. They didn't fare as well. I got an e-mail today that said there is a new international symbol for chocking. When you scroll down the page it shows the Broncos logo. I'm so bummed right now for that. Oh well.

Tomorrow I go out with yet another group of friends to play poker. We get together about once a month to play and always have a good time. Sometimes I don't think they know what to do with me and poker. I play very aggressively one hand, and don't even look at my cards the next. It makes it easy to do that when you’re only playing for chips.

Well nothing really new and exciting in my life, and no real deep thoughts tonight, but I just figured I would update here so you don't think I'm dead like my friend Angie thought. (She was leaving messages on my phone joking about that since she thought it was rude I didn't call her back for a couple of days.) Oops.

Coughs, cold feet, deadlines and dads

For everything they have created in my lifetime, and the impact the whole information age has had on humanity, one discovery would trump everything ever created. That one great find...

The cure for the common cold.

Ok, so I'm just whining because I have been suffering for the past few days, but I have this cough that is going to drive me insane. I'm diabetic, and I don't mind taking the shots daily, but I do mind waking up at night every hour to hack away. Oh well, I know I'm not alone in this, so I guess I need to stop whining.

In other news of the week or so, I am closer to getting a planning meeting going on my singles group, but not a lot closer. I have decided that calling people who I don't know, to ask, "So I hear you’re single" may not be the best thing. I have already spoke to the mother of a person who I think may be great for this group, and found out that he technically is still married, but separated. I still plan on inviting him because he needs to find a new connection to the church, but I'm glad I was speaking with his mother instead of him directly. Instead I'm going to go the wimpy route by putting a notice in the bulletin, and getting up in front of the congregation to invite people to come, or contact me. I feel I may be wimping out, but we will see how it goes.

I have my seminary application mailed in for Austin, but I still have to complete a couple of essays for it. I'm also only one essay short of my application for Denver, and I can do that online. I set a deadline to get it all done by the end of the month and I'm close. I'm one paragraph short of the autobiography for Austin being done, but I keep changing my mind about the topic for their analytical essay. I'm leaning right now toward addressing Christ’s message that unless you become like children, you will never get into the kingdom of heaven. A friend of mine gave me this idea the other day when I was telling him of the problem today of speaking of God as "Father". Society today see many absentee fathers in child support, they see news of men beating their wives. I have spoken with youth who see their dad buried in work, and not having any time for them. With so many strained "Father/Child" relationships, sometimes this is a difficult connection for youth to make. My friend brought up the point that we don't need to see God in a light of our relationship with dads now, but instead the relationship we had with our dad's when we were 2 and 3 years old. Kids that age tend to adore their dad's as the person who can fix anything, and is the strongest person in the world. That is how we need to look upon God. It was a good lesson for me to remember.

Mark 10: 14-15 - "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn't receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it."

Twenty Years...

When I first started telling people that I was looking to attending seminary, I had a lot of people give me encouragement. They told me how great I would do and how excited they were for me, but one response caught me a little bit off guard. "That's great, now maybe you'll meet a nice girl to marry!" I laughed at the statement and let her know that wasn't the reason I was going to seminary, but she came back with "Well do you want to get married someday?" When I said yes, if I ever met the right person, her response was “See, there you go."

To be truthful, I have thought quite a bit about meeting somebody in school because come on, what better place is there to meet a "Good Christian Girl," then seminary. I would love to meet somebody there, but I'm not going to make the mistakes I have in the past. If I meet somebody great, if I don't, I'm not going to be disappointed.

It took me a long time to come to grips with my divorce. Surprisingly, the pain of the lost relationship wasn't the most difficult thing for me to get over. For the longest time I felt this stigma hanging over me that screamed divorcee. I struggled with going to church because everybody had seen me when I was married, and now I was showing up single. I wrestled with feelings of a call to ministry, because I was skeptical of a church accepting a pastor who was divorced. You sometimes see forms and documents that ask your marriage status, and they list single and divorced both as options. I used to always want to put down single, because I was ashamed of that stigma. I have never regretted the divorce itself, but the consequences of it were hard for me to come to grips with. I'm happy now, and I have never been in a better place in my life. I no longer carry that stigma with me, and I'm not afraid of what other people think of me.

I attended a worship service tonight at a different church then I normally attend. Crossroads is one of the larger churches in the area, and it offers a much more seeker oriented model to worship. I'm not normally a fan of this approach, but I think a lot of mainline denominational churches could learn a little from it. They are currently doing a marriage series as the message entitled "Desperate Households." The message was what I normally expect from a seeker model; a little light on the bible and very heavy on the practical advice. The message was good, but it didn't light a fire under me. What did leave an impression was the end when the pastor asked anybody in attendance who had been married to the same person for 20 years to join him on the stage. This is a large church with a pretty massive stage, and it was full to capacity. I'm not sure they could have fit any more people up there. The pastor prayed for all these people’s marriages, that they would continue to grow and prosper, and then he prayed for everybody else in the congregation. The neat thing for me was to look up at the stage and see four people whom I would call friends. I didn't know most of them even attended Crossroads, but it was a neat legacy presented by everybody on stage. It’s refreshing to be able to look at the positive aspects of marriage and the joy it can bring, instead of the struggles and failures. I think in my life I could have burned on marriage pretty easily, but instead I look at it with great awe and appreciation. It's something to look forward to with hope someday.

Music

I love music! I know everybody says that, but I'm going to say it too, I absolutely love music! I love the beat that can get you to want to tap your toe or even better get out of your seat and dance. I love that it can evoke memories of a different time, and that it has the power to excite your, or relax you. Different music appeals to me at different times. Sometimes I like a real punk or hard rock sound with a lot of angst. Sometimes I like something a little more mellow and personal. I like listening to a symphony sometimes, and others a little jazz club is the place to be. The reason I like music more then anything though is that it tells a story. When people write a song, often they are telling their own story, but the magic of music is that when we listen to it, our own story often comes out. The same song can have completely different meanings to people listening to it. That's probably one of the reasons I like musicals so much. I love to actually see a story told through music. I love how a song can communicate all the feelings that you imagine the characters to be having. That story is also why I have come to love today’s praise music. I can't think of many times when I can feel closer to God then when I can sing to him, because I can close my eyes and the song tells my story, and only mine, when I sing it. That same song tells a different story for somebody else, but it's their own as well. "This is the air I breathe; you're very presence living in me". I love music!

A friend once asked me, and this is one of the few questions that ever really caught me off guard, but she asked....."If your life was a musical, what songs would play in yours?"

Routines

I am going to try and do better. I am going to make an effort again, for the millionth time and maybe this time I will be able to follow through. I don't know why I struggle so much at this, when it comes to others so easily. I hate routines. I want to be able to do something different each day, and I want to be able to be spontaneous with my time. I don't want to feel like I can't do something on a whim because it doesn’t fit into a block on my calendar. I hate lists, and unlike a lot of people I don't get a sense of joy by crossing items off a list at the end of the day. I use my memory more often then I use my planner, and many times appointments never even make it to my planning pages. Organization doesn't come easy to me, and it's something I struggle with all the time.
For many reasons I would love to be more organized and think it would be positive for me to follow at least a basic routine in my life. Instead of eating when I think I’m hungry, or when I have a few minutes, it would be much healthier for me to eat my three square meals a day. It's really not good that I skip breakfast completely most days because I sleep in and am running late. It's probably not real healthy that I always seem to get hungry at two in the morning, so I run to 7-11 to grab some grub. I would probably get more accomplished if I did list out everything I needed to accomplish in a day, and did it. Right now I do things as they come to me and I forget to do small things like pay my phone bill sometimes. I might exercise more, if I had a set time everyday to get out, instead of only doing it when the thought strikes me.
I have some friends who are just the opposite of me. I drive them crazy when we have a task to do, regardless of how unimportant it might be, and I change the plan at the last minute. They want to shoot me when I plan something, and the plan doesn't come together until two minutes before we leave. They drive me nuts sometimes when they refuse to deviate from their routine.
God gives us all gifts, and organization and routine are not mine, but I'm hopeful that I can learn to embrace something that will probably always be a challenge for me. I am going to try and get to be at a more normal 11:00 or midnight from now on, and I will get up by 9:00 each morning instead of noon. I will eat breakfast each morning, and I will take by blood sugar before every meal like I'm suppose to. I will have a list of tasks to accomplish each day, and will diligently work that list. I am convinced I can do all of this while still embracing diversity and spontaneity in my day. I have made this pledge before, many times, but something worth doing is worth pledging to again. One of my favorite sayings is that there is no growth if you don't leave your comfort zone, and this is never comfortable for me, so hopefully I will grow a little bit by doing this. Anyway, any prayers on my behalf over the next week are always appreciated.

Progress

One of my favorite songs has the lyrics "2 a.m. and I'm still awake writing a song...." I may not be writing a song, but its 2 a.m. and I'm still awake writing. Isn't there a saying about life imitating art, or is it the other way around? Anyway....

So let's see, the last 48 hours. I have mailed one seminary application to Regent College. I am thirty years old, and that was the first time I have ever mailed anything out of the country. Let's hear it for baby steps huh. I have also finished the six page essay for my second seminary application, this one to Dubuque, and have had it proof read by my own personal editor. I make the corrections in the morning and that one will be on its way. Two of the 3 people writing recommendations for me have their referral sheets, and I meet with the last one tomorrow for lunch. I met with Jim the associate pastor (or sociopastor) of my church today to talk more about the singles ministry, and we will meet again Monday. Last, but certainly not least, I got word today that I am scheduled to appear before the Committee on Preparation for Ministry, February third, to hopefully be enrolled as an Inquirer. This news has me a little nervous. I was just looking at this as another hoop I needed to jump through, but they have me down for 45 minutes on the agenda. Yikes......

Well progress is progress, and while I still feel that I am way behind, it's good to know that I'm at least getting something done.

When God closes a door, he opens a window

Maybe I like Clichés too much, but this seems to be the case today for me. Back in September I left the church I'm currently attending (Mtn. View Pres Ch) to find a place that would meet some of the needs I felt weren't being met in my life at Mountain View. I wanted to find a singles group that I could plug into, and there was nothing like that offered where I attend. I love Mtn. View, but it seems there are a lot of younger 30 something families, but nobody in my situation (single, no kids). Well I was all set to attend a church in Fort Collins with an active and large singles program, but things don't always happen the way we plan. When I lost my job and decided to apply for seminary, I decided that the best place for me was back at Mountain View. I'm now back to attending service there, and plugged into the youth program again, end of story right. Well today I was approached by the associate pastor of the church and asked how I would feel about starting up a singles program at the church. Apparently I'm not the only person who was feeling the same way. I don't know exactly how this is all going to shape out in the end, but I'm meeting with him later this week to discuss my first steps in getting this ministry started. I am really excited at the prospect of putting this together because it’s something I've wanted in my life, and I hope that it is something that can be kept alive after I leave. I'll keep you all updated on this new project of mine, but in the meantime keep me and this ministry in your prayers.