A lament on trust

I remember taking an inventory a few years back for a class on the gifts of the spirit as to what my spiritual gifts were. At the time I was suprised that my number one gift according to the inventory was the gift of faith. I never thought of faith at the time as being a gift from God. Looking back at my life, I see that this is true...Maybe.
I have always had a deep and abiding belief in God. There have been times in my life when people have asked how long I have believed in God, and the truth is that I have always believed in God. I was raised to believe in God, and that belief has only grown deeper and deeper from both my study and personal experiences of life. Both my ex-wife and an ex-girlfriend asked at one point when I was saved. They were both from Baptist backgrounds and wanted to know when I accepted God as my Lord and Savior...when did I say "the prayer;" when was I saved? The best answer to that came from my seminary friend Andrew. "I was saved about 3:00 in the afternoon...some 2000 years ago." I believe in God; I believe he is my creater, and that in Christ I am saved. I have faith...or do I.
My struggle these past weeks have not centered on belief in God...but in trust in God. I trust in grace; I trust in God's love. I don't however seem to trust enough to put all my trust in God when it comes to my life here and now. I worry about my life. I worry that I am not good enough sometimes. God deserves better. I don't put enough trust in God to do things that I think are important. I don't tithe. I don't live my life free from worry. I don't always live a life that is worthy of the one who died on a cross for me. I also take this worry about not being good enough and transfer it to the one person I love most here on earth. I am getting ready to marry the most amazing woman that I have ever met, and I worry that I am not good enough for her. She is the most non-judgemental person I have ever met, and I know that she loves me for whom I am, but I worry. She deserves better. I don't ever want my past mistakes to affect our wonderful relationship.
And so I wallow in guilt and shame from time to time, putting as much faith and trust in Grace, knowing that only in Christ do I escape bondage to these feelings. I know that I am loved. I know that I am cared for. I don't deserve God's love; I don't deserve Becky's love, but they both love me deeply. I can't think of any greater proof for Grace then that.

Control?

I wonder sometimes how much of a control freak I am. I am easy going, laid back, and very non-confrontational...but I also think that I have some natural leadership skills, and therefore often find myself in at least partial control of every situation. Most of the time, I feel as if I'm in complete control of my life. I know where I'm going, and I know how to get there. It's all a matter of sticking to the road in front of me. It's ok to stop at a few rest stops and gas stations along the way, just as long as I don't veer too far off the highway of life. I won't get lost. I'm in control.
Lately however I'm starting to feel that my life is in control of me. I wonder where I lost some of that control; how I detoured off that nice straight road of life, and ended up somewhere else. A lot has changed in the last few months. For starters being engaged has changed my life considerably. A year ago my path was laid out for me; graduate and find a call anywhere in the country. Now my future career options are a lot more limited, at least for short term. I also feel like I am out of control in my schooling. I feel more buried then I have ever been at any one time in seminary, and yet I can't seem to motivate myself to get started; to get moving. Senioritis has taken hold, and all I can do is hold on until graduation. The last way I am feeling out of control is in the issue of finances. I have terrible credit. I don't own a credit card. These are both my fault, but it makes living on a student’s budget difficult at times. When I run out of money for the semester, I run out. I don't think I have done a good job budgeting this semester out. I doesn't help that I bought a ring this summer, and that my car has been to the shop three times this fall, but I am running out of money quickly. I have not had to borrow money since school started from parents, but I'm afraid that I may have to do that very soon. This would not normally be a huge deal, but again it takes me and puts me out of control.
The last time I felt this way, I think was probably a few years ago. I had just found out I was loosing my job with Group Publishing. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, and began contemplating this path to seminary. I found that journaling helped a great deal during this time to help me begin to sort out the feelings I was having, and to lead me down the right path. Journaling online on this blog began to almost be a prayer exercise, as I tried to figure out God's plan for me.
I don't think I ever realized that journaling was/could be a prayer exercise until recently with a class on prayer I'm taking. I want to rediscover the love of journaling that I one had. I want to help sort through all of the emotions that I am going through now with marriage and graduation (both things I'm very excited for) on the radar. I want to rediscover a degree of control over my life. Maybe this means I do not trust God enough...what does it mean to trust God that much? So many questions, but I guess those are for another night. For now it's just a prayer that God will continue to walk with me, and that in this form of online prayer I will begin to see answers again in this new and exciting season.