A lament on trust

I remember taking an inventory a few years back for a class on the gifts of the spirit as to what my spiritual gifts were. At the time I was suprised that my number one gift according to the inventory was the gift of faith. I never thought of faith at the time as being a gift from God. Looking back at my life, I see that this is true...Maybe.
I have always had a deep and abiding belief in God. There have been times in my life when people have asked how long I have believed in God, and the truth is that I have always believed in God. I was raised to believe in God, and that belief has only grown deeper and deeper from both my study and personal experiences of life. Both my ex-wife and an ex-girlfriend asked at one point when I was saved. They were both from Baptist backgrounds and wanted to know when I accepted God as my Lord and Savior...when did I say "the prayer;" when was I saved? The best answer to that came from my seminary friend Andrew. "I was saved about 3:00 in the afternoon...some 2000 years ago." I believe in God; I believe he is my creater, and that in Christ I am saved. I have faith...or do I.
My struggle these past weeks have not centered on belief in God...but in trust in God. I trust in grace; I trust in God's love. I don't however seem to trust enough to put all my trust in God when it comes to my life here and now. I worry about my life. I worry that I am not good enough sometimes. God deserves better. I don't put enough trust in God to do things that I think are important. I don't tithe. I don't live my life free from worry. I don't always live a life that is worthy of the one who died on a cross for me. I also take this worry about not being good enough and transfer it to the one person I love most here on earth. I am getting ready to marry the most amazing woman that I have ever met, and I worry that I am not good enough for her. She is the most non-judgemental person I have ever met, and I know that she loves me for whom I am, but I worry. She deserves better. I don't ever want my past mistakes to affect our wonderful relationship.
And so I wallow in guilt and shame from time to time, putting as much faith and trust in Grace, knowing that only in Christ do I escape bondage to these feelings. I know that I am loved. I know that I am cared for. I don't deserve God's love; I don't deserve Becky's love, but they both love me deeply. I can't think of any greater proof for Grace then that.