Conformation

When I first started working at Group Publishing the first thing I noticed was the sense of community that existed within the organization. Joining Group was a lot like joining a family. There were a lot of smiles, laughs and good times there, but like any family life wasn't always perfect. Leaving my job at Group was not a difficult thing, but leaving the family was. I figured that I would move on, but I doubted that I would ever find another home that accepted me as quickly as I felt Group's employees did.
This week I traveled to my first choice of seminary programs at the University of Dubuque. After spending only a couple of days on the campus I feel even more certain that Christ is calling me into a lifetime of ministry, and that Dubuque is where I need to prepare for that life. The acceptance I felt while experiencing chapel services, attending classes, visiting with professors and just chatting with students was unlike anything I have ever felt before. I wasn't even registered with the Seminary, but I already felt like a fellow student on campus. By the time I left I had signed my acceptance letter and wrote a check to reserve my spot for the fall. I still need to finalize my housing and financial aid situations, but I have no doubt that God will provide for me what I need.
From the get go my trip was a very cool experience. I arrived at the Dubuque airport right on time and met the student who was picking me up. We shook hands and then he informed me that he was also dropping somebody off at the airport who he figured I may like to meet. He took me over to a very friendly looking gentleman he introduced as Rick Ufford-Chase, the current moderator of the Presbyterian Church General Assembly. He has served since the 2004 GA and will be replaced in June of this year at the 2006 GA. It was fun being able to take a few minutes to speak with him, call this divine appointment number 1. Upon arriving on the campus I settled into the guest room in the administration building and we headed to dinner at a fun restaurant in town called Bricktown. It was a great meal.
After that I was asked if I wanted to attend a chapel service that evening that was centered around a drama written and performed by some of the students. The service was excellent, and afterward I was able to meet quite a few of the seminary students. At the end of the evening I walked back to my room put on a coat and went to an outdoor rock concert a local band was putting on in the open area outside my building. All in all it was a great first night on campus.
The next morning started off excellent as well. I had a free pass to the coffee shop on campus to grab a muffin and something to drink for breakfast before I attended the chapel service that morning. I was sitting by myself in the coffee shop when a gentleman I recognized from all the literature I have been sent as the president of the university, Jeffery Bullock walked in. He ordered something for breakfast and headed my way commenting that he didn't recognize me, and asked my name. When I mentioned that I was just visiting the campus he sat down with me while he ate his breakfast and chatted with me. He mentioned that he had served a church in Colorado early in his pastoral career and was very encouraging to me. It spoke volumes to me about the kind of atmosphere I would find on this campus to have him take time to sit down unscheduled with me. I called this my divine appointment number 2. The rest of my Wednesday was spent visiting with admissions, financial aid, having lunch with many of the Seminaries Presbyterian students, and auditing a class on the theology of Calvin by my advisor.
After having dinner at a great mexican restaurant in town with another student I just wandered around the campus for a little while ending up in the library. I was recognized by a seminary student who invited me over to chat. I didn't make it back up to my room until about 10:30 that evening.
Thursday was my last day on campus and the morning started out early. I ate breakfast in the school's cafeteria to see what it would be like, and then attended an 8:00 class. Following class I attended my last chapel service. This was a beautiful service put on by several of the first year seminary students with some more contemporary style music and group prayer elements. It was a very cool experience. After chapel I met with the pastor to students at the seminary and another professor.
I met a married student and his wife for lunch where again the president of the university sat with us for lunch. He remembered my name from the previous day, and was chatting with the other students at the table about going trap shooting with them this summer possibly. I finished up my day by going on a housing tour of the Seminary and looking at the townhouses that I'm hoping will be available for me in the Seminary Village near campus. The last meeting I had on campus was with Mark Actemeier my advisor, a member of the Peace, Unity and Purity committee of the church, and a friend to the pastor of my church. We had a great conversation in the coffee shop for about an hour talking about many different things.
I left campus knowing that this is where I belong, and excited at the prospect of joining the student population next year. I know that seminary will be very demanding and difficult, and that it won't always be perfect. It's a lot like my experience at Group, a family that sometimes will struggle, but will also find plenty of time to smile, laugh, and enjoy each other. A place where I know I can grow in faith and find a model for my own future ministry.

A good Good Friday

I have plane tickets to Iowa, and I'm rather upset about that fact at the moment. No I'm not upset that I'm going to visit Dubuque, I'm upset that the price I had to pay for the tickets doubled overnight before I purchased the tickets. I guess that's chalk one up to the whole don't procrastinate rule. Not a happy lesson. I am excited about going to see the University of Dubuque campus though. I should be able to meet with the housing and financial aid offices to help me get squared away for next year. I'm hoping that I will also be able to meet with my faculty advisor while I'm there as well. I also think I will be able to sit in on a class and see what that experience will be like, as well as attend a lunch function for the Presbyterian students on Wednesday. In all I will travel to Dubuque on Tuesday the 24th, and fly back to Denver on Thursday the 27th. A quick happy trip.

So yesterday was Good Friday, and it was a good Friday. Due to some difficult goals my team accomplished during the last quarter, we earned a Friday afternoon off with the company buying drinks for us at the Rio, a popular Mexican Restaurant with the best margaritas in town. I like the people I work with, but I don't think I will ever have any strong connection to any of them. Most of this is probably due to the fact that I'm not letting myself get close to anybody, and I feel I have to be guarded around them, so I don't slip up and let everybody know my plans to quit in a few months. There are other reasons as well though, that I doubt I'll ever get too close. Most of the people on my team are probably close to my age, or younger. I know a few are pretty much straight out of college. I had a fun time just sitting back over drinks and just listening to everybody's conversations, and realized that while my path isn't theirs, it very easily could have been 6 years ago. This is a group of young people who are very good at their job, and I'm becoming very aware of how different this job can be at times. With most professional jobs you work in one industry, but by selling advertising space, we are working in a lot of different businesses across the board. We work with business owners who are plugged into the community every day, and these owners come to know us. In every other job I have had, when you get together with friends after work, inevitably you start to talk about your job and your company. This group doesn't talk about the paper; they talk about what is going on in all the other businesses around town. They talk about what is big news as insiders because they find out from the sources everyday. It's a unique way to be plugged into the community, and to know the people who make a difference in town. Most of my coworkers are able to do it at a young age, when most of their peers are only concerned about what time the local bar closes. I would have loved that opportunity in my younger days, when making money and obtaining status was more important to me.

I skipped church last night as well. Maybe I should have attended a Good Friday service (I never even bothered to check if and when Mountain View had theirs) and I was invited to hear a friend of mine sing in her choir in Fort Collins, but I decided that I wanted some alone time to worship. I went to my absolute favorite church in the world, Rocky Mountain National Park. I have always loved driving there at night after the park closes and just finding a place off the road to pull over and watch the stars as I lay on the hood of my car. I was able to roll down the windows of my car and listen to the wind gently blow, and enjoy the silence of the park after dark as I read my Bible. Can you imagine a quiet night about 2000 years ago as Jesus prayed in the garden? The quiet that was broken by a legion of soldiers coming to arrest him to set forth in motion the most amazing thing ever to happen in history. That would have been Thursday night. Can you then imagine the quiet of Friday night, as the friends and family of Jesus had to come to grips with what had happened in only 24 hours? What would it have been like to be there 2000 years ago?

A little bit of vanity

"Give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair."

I'm feeling a little vain today, but I'm enjoying it. As far back as I can remember I've kept my hair pretty short. I have always wanted to look professional, and I didn't want taking care of my hair to be a difficult chore. Call it laziness, call it not being adventurous, or just call it not thinking about it; whatever it was I kept it short. I've noticed a pattern forming in my life lately. Every time my life takes a dramatic shift I try to do something to reinvent myself. When I got divorced I decided that I wanted to change my living space. I started paying attention to shows such at trading spaces, and appreciating art and furniture more (which was easy since I worked in a furniture store). I threw away all of my towels, bed covers, dishes ect... and purchased new ones. I even bought some decorating books. That fad faded a bit, but then I moved back to Colorado. While I was in the process of moving I had my girlfriend at the time go through my entire closet with me. A great deal of my clothing at the time didn’t fit, had holes in it, or was just plain out of style. We threw away over half my wardrobe. We went shopping and bought a lot of new clothes that were in style making me look good, as well as feel good. I'm still not a fashion master, but I do look a lot better these days, and I have kept a pledge I made at the time to always take a friend of the opposite sex clothes shopping with me. In November, when I lost my job and made the choice to go to school, I decided to see what I would look like with longer hair. I figured I wouldn't need to worry about looking so professional while I was in school; so what the heck! Since October I have visited Super Cuts only once for a small trim, and it's amazing the results I have seen. I have received all kinds of compliments from people saying they like me with the longer hair. I now understand why women like to be complimented on their appearance. It feels good, and makes people feel good about themselves. I have enjoyed the attention I’ve received about longer hair, and I'm looking forward to growing it even more. I like the look, and it's something different for me.

My choice

So I am finally at peace now. I have made my decision for school, and I really do feel good about it. The choice eventually just boiled down to my realization that I always felt the need to defend my attending Austin, while I never felt the need to defend Dubuque. I'm disappointed that I won't be in Austin with my family who mean a great deal to me, but in the end I had to go to the place where I felt I was being called. Now I'm moving on to focusing more on financial aid, and traveling to Iowa to see the campus and check out some classes. I also get to start thinking about housing and things like that. My lease runs out in June, and I also need to figure out what I'm going to do for living the rest of this summer. I wouldn't mind if I can go month to month for the rest of the summer, but I also wouldn't mind the offer to live with some friends rent free for the summer. It would be nice to save some money. I guess its one thing at a time. Well, I want to thank everybody who has said prayers for me over the past few weeks. Please keep praying for me, I can use all I get, and I love ya all.

Wine Night

I was in a car accident today. I was driving home from work at about 5:45 today, talking to my friend James on my cell phone. I stopped before an intersection at a green light, because the traffic was backed up a block and to proceed forward would stop me in the middle of the intersection. The next thing I knew I heard a loud bang, and experienced a strong jolt as I cried out in a bit of surprise. I guess I took the lady driving behind me by a bit of surprise when I stopped, as she had slammed into the back of me. Granted she took me by a bit of surprise too. I found the cell phone I had been talking on in the back seat a couple of minutes later. I think James was a little worried when our conversation was cut off so abruptly. Not to worry, nobody was injured, and while her car was crumpled up pretty well, my car only has cosmetic damage from all I can tell. The police department just told me to go into a station tomorrow and report the accident, so it really wasn't a huge deal. Good things can come out of bad things though.

I have lived with my step sister for almost a year now. We didn't grow up together like most siblings would because we were both pretty much grown up by the time our parents married. She is pretty reserved most of the time, and we don't spend a lot of time together for the most part. We have started on little event though, that I have become very thankful for, and will probably never forget. This event has probably happened four of five times in the year, and has become known as "Wine Night."

I was feeling a little sorry for myself after my car accident, so I stopped by the liquor store on the way home to grab a bottle of wine and a 12 pack of beer (I blame the Corona drinker I was chatting with last night for that). Wine night basically has always started with one of us buying a bottle of wine and offering the other a glass of whatever we have purchased. It inevitably ends about four or five hours later when the bottle of wine is empty. Tonight became Wine Night.

The beauty of Wine Night is that I have gotten to know my sister a lot better in a short period of time. It's a time when we can talk about what is going on in our lives. We can talk about jobs, relationships, religion, music, politics and some other topics we won't mention because of certain readers and a wine night pact.........

Missy and I are very different people and have different view of life. We have a great respect for each other though, and our conversations have been some of the best I have ever been in. I have always said that every guy should have a female friend whom he can learn from and vice versa. This relationship has pretty much formed with Missy and me over our bottle of wine, and I have learned a lot about her, the female sex, and myself these nights. One of the questions I posed to her tonight asked "Name a night that was soo perfect in your life, that you will never forget it." To tell the truth, our Wine Nights are some of those nights for me. It's amazing how I had a car accident tonight, but the reason I will probably never forget today has nothing to do with that!

Indecision…

One of the reasons I started my blog was to be able to put my feelings down on paper (or the net as the case may be) in order to help me organize my thoughts and figure things out. I am feeling the need to do that tonight as I try to make one of the biggest decisions of my life. I am feeling very paralyzed as I try to decide whether to go to seminary in Dubuque or Austin. I don't feel that either is a bad choice and I can come up with very good reasons to attend both. In the end the choice rests with me, but part of me is screaming to have somebody make the decision for me so I don't have to. My fear is not that I am going to hate where I go, but that I will pass up a better opportunity by choosing one over the other. I know that I am being called to ministry, but I don't know where I'm being called to go right now and that is frustrating.

The University of Dubuque Theological Seminary:
This is the seminary where the pastor of my church is pushing me to go. I have a great deal of respect for Bob, and I value his opinions very much. Bob is not afraid to push his opinions though, and a large part of my desire to attend Dubuque is because of his recommendation. I almost fear turning Dubuque down because of the respect Bob has for the school. I am convinced that this school does fit my theology better then Austin and I have been made very familiar with some of the faculty here. One faculty member I have been told a lot about happens to be the person who would be my advisor at Dubuque. He has been a member of the Peace, Unity and Purity commission of the Presbyterian Church, which I have been studying the last month on Tuesday nights. To turn down the chance to get to work with Dr. Achtemeier regularly would be a very difficult thing to do for sure. That fact alone may be the biggest draw I feel toward going to Dubuque, in fact that alone may be the reason I am struggling with this decision so much. This seminary program is strongest in preparing students to be ministers in smaller congregations. This is by far where the greatest need for pastors is in the church right now, and honestly most Presbyterian churches are very small congregations. My fear is that I don't know that I am being called to pastor in a small church. I am open to that ministry, but I also would love to explore options of working in things such as young adult ministries in larger churches as well. I am afraid that I won't see as many specialized options for ministry training available in Iowa. I also fear that I won't like the town. I lived in Indiana for almost two years and didn't like the experience. I will acknowledge the fact that there were other reasons for me not liking Fort Wayne, but I think the location is a real concern of mine as well. I think my last fear is the size of the school at Dubuque. I wanted to go to a smaller school, but this is a very small school with probably less then 50 new students to the seminary program each year. Will I be able to find a group of like minded students my age to become close to? I don't know that answer. Dubuque will give me the chance to form very close friends though. I love the program they have that requires students to participate in spiritual development groups their first year on campus, and last semester. These are basically small groups of seminary students and an advisor who will gather each week to share in fellowship, bible study, devotions, and other activities to help develop spiritual growth in very relational ways. This is probably the second biggest reason I fear saying no to this school.

Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary:
Probably the biggest draw to Austin for me is the built in support I already have in place there. I have family in Austin that I absolutely adore. My Aunt, Uncle and cousins are very involved in a Presbyterian church already in the city, and will be a great support system for me. My cousin Lindsey is also thinking about ministry in her future, and she plans to enroll in Austin Seminary in a couple of years most likely. I love the thought of being able to attend seminary with my cousin. I also think Austin is a good fit for me with my lifestyle. I am thirty, but I'm single and like to live a pretty single lifestyle. There is a lot more to be offered in Austin in my free time, and the school is larger. I don't worry about being able to meet some people who have things in common with me in Austin. Texas is also much closer to my family in Arizona, and an easier trip to Colorado to see family and friends here. Holidays will be easier in Austin whether I stay in place or need to travel. Notice that the aspects that attract me to Texas don't have as much to do with the school. Is it selfish to focus so much on my own comforts when I am going to school to prepare myself to be God's servant? Part of me feels like none of these should be any reason to choose one seminary program over another. There are aspects of the school that draw me to Austin as well though. One if the experience I have had dealing with the admissions office at Austin. They have by far been the easiest office to work with between all the schools I have applied to. When I call, they answer the phone, and if the can't I have always had the call returned that day. The same can't be said for the other schools I have looked at. A friend of mine who attended Dubuque also pointed out to me that Austin will give me more opportunities to explore different paths into ministry. I was pretty sold on Dubuque until this fact was pointed out. I don't know that I want to work with a small church, and if that is the case, Austin could be the better school. My fears with Austin are very real too though. I don't know as much about the faculty here. I know that this school leans farther to the "left" then does Dubuque, and that is a very real concern to me in a church that already leans too far that direction in the first place. I want to attend a school that will challenge me, but not one that will beat me down with theology I can't agree with. Not being as familiar with the school has made choosing Austin more difficult for me.

As I said, my goal is to make a decision by this weekend. I don't think I can make a wrong choice, but I'm sure that in the end one of the schools would be a better choice for me. I just have to figure out which. Anybody who has managed to muddle through my thoughts to this point, please say a prayer for me this week for God to help guide me to which school he would have me choose. I know in the end, he will let me know and give me peace with my decision, but right now I think my hair is all turning gray, at least that which is not falling out......