God Resolves

As a Christian, I sometimes feel that we are under attack in American society today. It's not unusual to turn on the news and find another court battle taking place over prayer in school, the Ten Commandments being displayed on government property, or even the use of the word Christmas in a holiday parade or display. I have had great debates with a friend over the years regarding the separation of church and state, and he has convinced me to a degree of the importance of that separation, but that belief only goes so far. I'm not a lawyer, and I won't pretend to be, but I do remember a high school civics class talking about the letter of the law, and the spirit of the law. The letter of the law probably does a good job making the separation permanent, but I think this has been a steady progression away from the spirit of the law. My understanding is that separation of church and state was instituted in an attempt to keep the government from regulating religion in this country, and being able to punish those who did not believe the governmental views. I have struggled with, and continue to struggle with how keeping a football team from praying before a game, when they have done so for decades before, is protecting an individual or community from the government. I believe in the value of tradition in a community, and for many, prayer at a football game or a Christmas display is part of their communities’ culture and tradition. What I don't know is how to fight to keep the courts from stripping these traditional values from our communities.

Last week a similar story popped up in the news as a judge blocked a graduation prayer at a Kentucky high school. What caught my attention in this story is not the fact that it happened, but how the students of the school choose to deal with it. As the principal of the school rose to give his opening remarks, about 200 students (almost all of the graduating seniors) rose and began reciting the Lords Prayer to "thunderous applause and a standing ovation from the crowd." The students of the school didn't boycott graduation, or take the case back to court. They simply stood up for their freedom of expression and stood up as a class against the court ruling. As usual, I learn a lot from the youth of this nation. Probably the answer to the steady beat down of Christian expression in communities is people taking action on their own to express their faith. There is power in numbers and all it takes is somebody willing to stand up for what they believe for others to follow. In my opinion, the students of Russell County High School handled the situation amazingly well, and in the end, the prayer meant so much more then it would have before.

I wish I had the answers and solutions to more of the issues facing Christians today, but sometimes I don't even know if I am asking the right questions. I have just recently finished reading Blue Like Jazz. One of the quotes has given me a lot of thought over the past few weeks. The short version of the quote, found of the back cover states

"I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve....But sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself...I used to not like God because God didn't resolve. But that was before any of this happened." - Donald Miller

I agree with this quote to an extent for two main reasons, one of which is the aforementioned fact that I sometimes wished God would give me the answers to the issues Christians face today. (The second reason is in the inference that we come to Christ most often by seeing others love him and model this love in their actions, but this is a completely different post in itself). The Bible and other resources have been given to us as a guide, but in the end we are responsible for doing the study, and work to come up with what we think the correct resolutions are to these problems/issues we face in society. In the end though, God does resolve. He resolves by his saving Grace, and Christ's death on the cross. Donald does indicate a shift in his thinking in the last sentence, but I don't know if he makes the connection that God does indeed "resolve" in the end.

Manipulated Believers?

I guess this is a follow up to my last post. It started as a response to a great comment and question posted on my iGod entry, but I went off on a bit of a rant, so I figured I would make it more visible in this forum.

I like the way you use the term manufactured describing community at many churches. I worry that many churches in order to show the effectiveness of their ministry end up, often through the use of media, manipulating people in the process. When I go to many large and mega church worship services, I see a formula to their worship. It's designed to first pump people up and get them excited using video and music. Second it gets them to look inside themselves and brings them down quickly. This rapid letdown makes people want to hear the Gospel message, and open to it to. They are looking for that quick fix to make them feel good again. Lastly, people are brought up again. They leave church feeling how broken they have been, but excited for a new relationship with Christ. They hop in their car, turn on the same old radio station. Go grab a bite to eat, feel good for the afternoon, but by tomorrow nothing has changed. They have also not been presented with the whole message. It's easy to tell people that following Christ is good and happy, but when is the message of "if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering." presented. Use of music, lights, and video has made all of this manipulation easier. The problem is the best way, and the way Jesus used to bring people to God, isn't in manipulating their emotions. He sat down with them and had a dialog with them. He modeled what it was he was teaching. He wasn't just there once a week, you could come to him when you wanted, and ask questions. Ask most strong and true Christians today what brought them into a RELATIONSHIP with God; it has everything to do with a friend or family member modeling that relationship to them. They may have become aware of God somewhere else, but you don't form a relationship overnight, it takes time and a human touch. I'm not saying it's impossible to have these relationships in a mega church, but it's so much easier and personal in a smaller church. I don't know what God's will is as far as size is concerned, and I don't think you can put a number on it. I do think that he would have his church be one where you know the people you worship with as people, not just the person you saw in the grocery line the day before.

I don't want to you think I'm trying to say all large churches are this way, but it is a pattern I have observed quite often in my life, and wonder about.

iGod?

I meant to go to bed early tonight. Hmmmmm, I seem to make that promise most nights, and yet here I am.

Working for a media company has made me pay closer attention to the power and influence media plays in our world today. I have customers heap praise on me, when a letter I forward gets them a feature article in the paper. Others get upset when their ad's run in a section that may not be read as often. I see the influence that television plays in people's lives everywhere I go. Yesterday I was eating lunch at KFC, and a group of people probably in their 40's was discussing who they thought was going to win American Idol. I have heard conversations in the past of people discussing what happened on 24, Greys Anatomy, or Desperate Housewives the evening before. Movies influence our thoughts and society's opinions on issues. Look at all the controversy Brokeback Mountain, and now The Da Vinci Code have generated. Between TV, movies, magazines, books, music, internet, newspapers, cell phones ect.... we are surrounded by media's messages almost 24/7.

Media is also permeating our churches. Most of the largest and quickest growing churches have embraced media in their worship. It's not unusual to see large TV screens at the front of the room in church today. Music is played in the styles of the hottest Christian artists and is piped through massive speakers. Video clips are played and used as teaching tools. Web pages are playing a more centralized role, as you can now skip church and download a sermon to your ipod. Many people tune to their favorite Christian TV station, and watch one of many different broadcast services. One of the changes brought to our youth program a few years back was the addition of a big screen TV, and video game system to the youth room. The fact of the matter is, we are used to seeing media and expect to see it in our daily lives. Churches that don't embrace media can be seen as out of touch with society and backwards.

I have a question, and I don't know the answer. Is this good?

I agree with the arguments on the pro side of the issue. Christ's message can't change, but the medium (root word for media) must. Churches must find a way to most effectively reach the masses with the message of God's merciful grace, and Christ's death on the Cross for our sins. We are used to getting messages from media, and the fact of the matter is, it's effective. Why shouldn't a church use a tool that will attract and energize more people for Christ.

I do have to argue for the other side as well though. A relationship with Christ is just that, a relationship. I worry that as a society we are forgetting how to form relationships with people. We communicate with friends now, by texting, and e-mail. We call them on our cell phones. We do get together, but many times it's to watch a movie or TV. We don't keep as much quiet time in our lives, devoted to simply chatting with friends, and more importantly chatting with God. My worry is that by trying to reach out to more people, faster and quicker we are forgetting Christ's method of teaching God's love. He met with people face to face, and even more importantly reached out to them and touched them. Are we forgetting this model in church today?

I don't have the answers, and as is the case with most things, the answer probably lays somewhere in the middle. Regardless I have spent a lot of time recently thinking about this and would love to hear other opinions.

Patsy

So it's another Friday for me tomorrow and another funeral. This one has been expected for a while, as Patsy has battled cancer for around six years now. Early this week her battle finally ended. I feel very fortunate that I could be a part of, even if just a small part of, her incredible life. I have always thought that people should live life to the fullest, but Patsy didn't merely live life, she radiated life. If I live to be 100, I doubt that I will ever meet somebody with such a joyous spirit as Patsy. She has truly been a role model to me on how to look at life and to see the joy and beauty of things. She has shown me to thank God for the wonder of life, and to recognize that God has beautiful things in store. Thank you Patsy, for being a part of my life, and for helping to shape who I am today. Heaven shines a lot brighter today.

The World Begins Again

Life starts to get back to normal today. The funeral service was yesterday afternoon, and it was nicely done. I gave this advice to a friend’s sister a couple of years ago when her father passed away, and it held true when I spoke with Michelle, August’s sister, yesterday. Life will never be the same again, the family is missing a huge part of themselves, but life will get back to normal. It will be a "new normal", but today it starts to get back to normal.

For me, today is back to normal. I slept in till noon today and finally woke up feeling good. I have been running on lack of sleep this last week, and my muscles were aching, and my body was very sore last night. In about 30 minutes I'm meeting a couple of friends to stretch out these muscles and play some tennis. After that, it's to another friend’s house for some braughts on the grill and poker. Tomorrow I need to get caught up on my laundry as you can no longer see the floor of my bedroom beneath all the dirty clothes on the ground. I also need to start figuring out my budget for the rest of the year and into next. In all of the events of the past week, my worries of the week before were completely forgotten, but God didn't forget about me. On Tuesday at work I checked my e-mail and saw my financial aid package came through. I received written confirmation yesterday in the mailbox. It is not quite as much money as I had hoped for, but it is enough that I'm confident I can find a way to make it work. I will need to find a job while I'm in school, but I know I can pull that off.

I downloaded some music last night from one of my favorite bands. I thought these lyrics were appropriate.

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

From Better Days, by the Goo Goo Dolls.

Acceptance

Before being married, I was engaged for a year. During some of that time, I was unsure of how well I would be accepted into her family. I was already great friends with her sister, but because of an incident that occurred between me and August, I was unsure what my relationship with the rest of her family would look like. In the end, our differences were patched up and her family took me in as if I was their own son or brother. When August and I separated, one of the most difficult things was losing her family as well.
I was invited to her parent’s house tonight. I had already made some plans with another friend of mine to grab a drink at the bar, but I asked if I could come see them later in the night after going out with my friend. When I got to her parents house it felt like no time at all had passed. I was shocked by how much of her family was there. They all had kind words and hugs for me. Many of her family had planned on leaving early, but decided to stay later to see me I was told. I was even asked for my address so I could be invited to her cousins wedding in August. I don't know if I have ever been welcomed so quickly and fully into a group of people as her family did and continues to do with me. I sat with August's family pretty late into the night feeling completely at ease and very content. There are moments in your life that will stick with you forever and tonight will rank amongst those memories for me. Tonight I feel very blessed and fortunate.

A letter to August

It seems like whenever my priorities in life get out of order, they are put back into their place very quickly. I found out yesterday after work that my ex wife August committed suicide Sunday night. When I got home from work, I had an email in my box from her sister. When I called she broke the news to me. I'm still trying to work out my feelings about this because I honestly don't know how I should feel. I spent some of the very best and very worst years of my life with August. We laughed, cried, fought, worked, and played along side each other for over five years. At one point in my life I loved her more then anybody on the planet. I didn't go a single day in that period of time without at least speaking with her. I haven't seen August in almost a year and a half now though, and I feel very distant from the whole event. I came to a closure on our relationship a long time ago and this remoteness from a more powerful grief makes me sad. I do feel grief though, and a sadness that I can’t share how her life has led me to where I’m going next. Here is my attempt.

August, you truly were a beautiful person. I have not met many people with a stronger passion for giving in my entire life. You loved to give gifts to people, and were always thinking of others. It was not unusual for me to leave work after a long day and find a card on my driver’s seat from you. That always meant something to me. You were always the first person to jump in and help when people needed it. I will always remember watching you work your tail off in the kitchen with your mom during large family gatherings. I loved watching you August, when the holidays rolled around. I have never been great at giving, but watching your spirit and joy was awesome for me.
Girl, you lived your life caught on the extremes. When you loved somebody it was with your entire being. You fell in love quickly. When you were mad at somebody it was with an equal fire. I have always lived my life in a nice moderate emotional rut, but you showed me how to express emotion with a passion. I have never possessed as much fire, one way or another, as I did with you. When you cared about a project, it got done. You lived life with passion and fire directed in what ever direction you were led. I never really understood how your type A and my laid back personality fit together, but we made it work for a long time.
Looking back, I really learned a lot about myself and relationships from you. I learned what love can look like, and what a relationship can be, both the good and the bad. I will admit that I was not always the perfect husband, but my whole experience showed me how I can be better, and what the perfect relationship for me will look like.
I'm not going to say that I feel guilty for what happened, because I don't. I do know that there were times in my life that I failed you August. I wish that I didn't, but I know that is part of being human. I hope that you forgave me in the end, August. I also hope you know I forgave you.
I took a long walk last night. I didn’t plan it, but the walk too me past a lot of places that hold special memories of you for me. I walked past the apartment we first lived in. I remember the night we were married leaving that apartment, rushing to get away, only to have to turn back a couple of times because we forgot something. I remember being cozy and safe there. I walked by the church we were married in. I remember the relationship you formed with many of the middle school youth. I want you to know that you touched them, and made a difference in their lives. I sat on a wall on the south side of the church and said a long prayer for you August. I prayed for your family and friends as well, that they will find healing. I prayed for forgiveness for me, I know I wasn’t always perfect. I prayed for thanksgiving, because I know you are now with your heavenly father. I also walked by the place that I think was probably the most precious place in the world for you; the place that I think gave you the most joy, and also probably caused you the most pain. I wondered if you visited the same ground I did in the previous day. You taking me there for the first time is probably still the most precious thing anybody has ever done for me. I know I will never forget the emotions I felt that day August.
I know you had a lot of demons in your life, and I wish that you were better able to fight them. I know you did some things in your life that you wished you had never done. I don’t know if you ever forgave yourself for some of them August. Even if you didn’t though, God did. I hope you know that now. I don’t know if you loved yourself the way I saw you love others. God loved you; he still does. August, we came to a lot of pain from our relationship. I really do regret that, but I wanted to let you know that from that pain came my decision to become a pastor. I was hoping to share that with you someday, but I didn’t know how to tell you. I’m telling you now. We were not meant to be together in this life, we were too different. We tried to make something happen that shouldn’t have. We tried and we got burned. I still want you to know that I don’t regret any of it. I don’t regret the fights, or the falling out. I certainly don’t regret loving you the way I did. You will always have a place in my heart August. I would not be the person I am today without you.
I am happy with my life now August. I am excited to live it to the fullest, and go where God will take me. I have met and dated some of the most incredible women, and they have also played roles in my life. I hope that you were able to experience some of that as well.
I think you spent a lot of your life looking to find a peace that was always out of reach girl. I truly hope and believe that you have finally found that peace.
Good bye August, you will be missed.

Impatience.....

I'm reading a great book right now by an author I have enjoyed for a long time, Larry Bond. I am famous for taking great submarine suspense novels and reading them until all hours of the night, and tonight is no different, but it's a good distraction.

I've been remiss in updating this lately because I have been pretty busy between the job, church and social life, but probably the biggest reason is I have felt that I haven't had a lot of things about my life to report to the world lately. I've been in a hurry up and wait mode for a little while now and figured I didn't need to tell the world that. I realized today though that while letting everybody know what is going on in my life is one reason I started this online journal, it wasn't the main reason. I like having the ability to be able to jot down what is going on in my head to help me sort through my thoughts, feelings, emotions ect.... Isn't that what a journal is about in the first place?

I have been feeling very stressed over the last few days. I am normally the most easy going person I know and it works for me. I don't stress too much about things, and they normally work out very well for me in the end. I'm trying to figure out why I'm feeling so nervous about waiting for my financial aid letter from Dubuque then. I am sure that I am being let to ministry, and I feel strongly that my path is meant to run through the Dubuque seminary program. I have been assured that I should have no problem getting the aid I need from the financial aid director at the school. All my paperwork is in, and while some of it may have been turned in a little late, it wasn't really all that late. All this being said, I feel my whole future hanging in the balance of what one little letter will say to me. I don't think I have ever wanted something so bad in my life, and the thought of not being able to attend school is heartbreaking to me. I want to start figuring out when I can move, how much I need to save, where I will be living, when I can quit my job and a hundred other things right now, and I feel that I can't do any of this until I know for sure I have the funding to attend. It's a weird feeling for me to be on the pessimistic and worrisome side of the isle because I don't normally stress about these things. I know that stress will not help me out and that the decision is out of my hands, but can't they let me know now. Patience is a virtue, and I can wait this out, but by the time I'm done I may have gray hair. I don't know how to take it easy and stop worrying about this. I don't know if this is God telling me that I'm not going to get it. That I waited too long and that he wants to teach me a lesson about procrastination. I don't know if I'm just being paranoid and need to relax. I know I'll figure out these stresses pretty soon one way or another, and I feel like a big whiner because I'm stressing, but hey , anybody want to say a quick prayer for me, I would appreciate it.