Too comfortable?

I made a promise for myself when I started Seminary that I would not back down from any challenges that came my way. All during the time leading up to my coming here I took a motto for myself that stated, "There is no growth without leaving your comfort zone." I kept that motto for the first few months that I was here, but I realized today that I have fallen into a nice little comfort zone between classes, friends, church, and really the rest of my life. A few events of the last week have made me realize this, and I have a lot of things coming up now that are getting me excited, and possibly even a little scared.
The first new change for me is I'm going to be staring a new job working at the Myers Library here on campus part time starting tomorrow. I have put off getting a job for quite a while now, but I think I really will like the distraction, and the extra money will defiantly come in handy as well. During the first semester I kept putting off buying a new laptop computer because I didn't want to spend the money with none coming in, but I've realized just how much one will help me in class, and that is the reason I'm here so....
I also received an e-mail from the university telling first year seminary students that there are opportunities for pulpit supply if we want to take advantage of them. My first response was that I wanted to wait until I had a few more classes before I did something like this. After speaking to a friend though, I have decided that I'm going to at least go talk to the person who organizes this and see what they have to say. Just because I don't feel comfortable preaching yet, how will I ever become so if I run out on every opportunity that presents it self. I may not be experienced, but I don't think that pulpit supply churches are looking for perfection. Instead they are looking for energy and authenticity. Just my thoughts, but we will see.
The same person I'm going to talk with about pulpit supply, I also want to speak with about finding an internship position somewhere this summer. I have always said that I want to find a job working at a church during the summer, but not a church that is local. My problem is that I have no idea in the world how to find a position somewhere across the country. I'm hoping that he will be able to point me in the right direction, and that I will be able to find something that will stretch me, and at the same time be a lot of fun.
I really have not put any energy into student council yet, but I also want to get more involved with that, and a good friend and I want to start some sort of bible study on campus. We both love the whole theological education that we are getting, but we have come to realize that with everything that is required, the bible tends to get squeezed out. I have no clue when we will find the time, but I think it's so necessary, so we are going to try and figure out what that is going to look like.
Lastly I'm in the process of trying to get all my paperwork in order so that I can advance from the inquirer process of the Presbyterian Church to the candidacy process. I'm hoping that when I return home for Christmas that I will be able to meet with my presbytery liaison, my church session late notice, and with a gentleman from Boulder in order to fulfill my psychological exam requirements. I also am going to sign up for the first of the Presbyterian Church ordination exams; the bible content exam. I have to sign up in the next couple of weeks, then the test is in February.
I'm really excited for what the future holds, and while it is keeping me busier then I have ever been, I love the challenge.
On a side note, it is about 9:00 in the evening, only a few days from December in Iowa, and it’s raining like crazy. What ever happened to the wonderful white flakes that I’m used to?

A trip to Willow Creek

Sometimes I really do take a lot of the things I have for granted. I complain about all of the things that I haven't been able to do yet, and all of the places I have yet to see. I don't stop to realize and thank God for all of the amazing things that I have been able to do in my life.
This last summer I was able to attend a worship service at Lakewood Church in Houston Texas while on a mission trip with the Mountain View youth group. It was a neat experience to see a church that large, and to feel a community of that size worship God all together. When I worked at Group I had a chart of the top 100 congregations taped to my cubicle just as sort of a fun reference piece, and I got to know of some of the other more influential megachurch congregations and their pastors. I also had the chance, however briefly to cruise by and admire the Crystal Cathedral in Southern California a couple years back.
A little over a year ago, I was feeling a little burned out by the lack of people at my home church back in Colorado. I loved the people at the church, but I wanted something more, something different, something that would allow me to experience worship in a new way. I started going to Timberline Church; a large congregation, with 5000 in attendance week, Assemblies of God Church (with a very very nondenominational feel). While I had attended megachurch programs in the past and been turned off by the simple seeker message, and feeling that everything was a show, this church felt different. I felt God present in my worship for maybe the very first time. Worship became fun, and meaningful. Through my experience I learned that any worship service anywhere can be just as meaningful as well if I let it. It's not about the fancy lights and great music, but instead about how I am in direct communication with God. I am praising and praying to him, but there is also a two way experience where I can feel him move in me as well. This new experience of worship was accentuated when I decided to return to Mountain View and prepare for seminary. Worship became something that became meaningful not only in Sunday worship, but also in the youth program each week. It became something that I truly looked forward to each week. I also began to see worship in other setting and appreciate how other people worship. I went to a service with a friend of mine, and while his church was much more charismatic and Pentecostal in feel, I loved it. I would never want to worship there every week, but watching people worship in a way that was true to them was beautiful. One year earlier I would have felt uncomfortable and unsure in this type of place, but I was completely at ease, and could see the face of Christ in the people present at the moment.
While there were things about Lakewood Church this summer that really turned me off, it also kindled in me a desire to "pilgrimage" to two other large famous churches in this country.
I was able to cross one of those locations off of my list tonight as I was able to attend worship tonight at Willow Creek Community Church in South Barrington Illinois this evening. I have learned that anyplace can give me a true authentic worship experience, but I also know that sometimes when I have a lot going on, a trip to a high energy, lights and sounds type worship can give me a bit of a renewal on life, and can refresh me. With the last few weeks of the semester approaching, I've been feeling the need for this for a little while. It's a three hour drive to Willow Creek, so after eating a late lunch, my roommate Gabriel and I took off on our pilgrimage. The service was both what I expected and needed. I was able to just relax and enjoy worship as an anonymous figure in a large room. I was able to enjoy a simpler message that was thought provoking, but not overly challenging. I was able to feel God present with me. More enjoyable though was being able to watch a pastor who regularly speaks to a church that can seat 1000 in Africa, be blown away by an experience that while refreshing to me, was not unexpected. I tried to prepare him of what to expect by telling him a little about the church, and showing him photos, but his reaction was fun. On the way home, he spoke over and over about how this was a life changing experience for him, and having him thank me for allowing him the opportunity to experience a new way to approach ministry back in his home nation. Something that is, while not the norm, at least normal, was an event to remember for a lifetime for another individual. Like I say, sometimes I really do take things for granted.

Divine Pathos

The depth of human emotion sometimes just blows me away. Reading what is going on in the lives of some of my friends tonight just goes to show the beauty in the joys and hurt that is life. It's amazing the range of emotions that a person can feel in just a short amount of time, just remembering parts of their own life.

Joy - One of the things that I like to question people about on occasion asks; "Describe a night/day that was just perfect. A time when the stars aligned just right in the sky and everything was so perfect that you will never forget that time as long as you live!" I think everybody has an event like that in their life, in fact most have many. It may be a night a new relationship started, or the day of a wedding. It may be a special trip or adventure. It may be something as simple as a night out on the town that was extra special. For me the night I like to remember as just being full of unbridled joy was a night in Chicago with a bunch of friends I really didn't know that well at a dueling piano bar. It was a night I had no cares in the world, a few to many drinks, and more laughs then I can explain.

Sadness/Loneliness - A friend of mine recently experienced a loss, and is hurting right now. As high as somebody can be with Joy, they can feel just the opposite with pain, sadness, loneliness and despair. There are many things that can make people feel this low in life. Deaths, a difficult breakup, failure at something, even just a few unkind words. In my life I have known two people who I spent time with on a daily basis feel these feeling so deeply that they choose to end it by taking their own lives. I can't say that I will ever understand these emotions to that extreme, but I have experienced hurt. I know what it is like to be in the room with somebody, and feel more alone then I have in my life. I know the pain of losing somebody very close to me.

Excitement - This feeling is similar to joy, but it speaks of unfulfilled promise. It's looking forward to something that has the potential to change a life. It's possibility about to be fulfilled. With this emotion I think about the bride looking forward to the words "I do." It's the high school senior waiting to be handed the piece of paper that signifies four years of achievement. Think hard and I'm sure you can remember a time of sheer excitement. Not knowing just what to expect, but ready for it with all your heart. I was so incredibly excited years ago as I was promoted to management in the company I worked at. The promotion meant moving for the first time out of Colorado, to Indiana. The newspaper headline for one of the major Denver newspapers the day I packed up what I needed into my car and headed off to Fort Wayne said it best as it was reporting the death of a longtime Denver journalist; "Goodbye Colorado."

Fear - This is one of the most primitive of human emotions, and not one easily forgotten. We hear a lot about this emotion these days as we turn on our televisions and listen to the latest news regarding terrorism in the world. Terror or fear is a powerful weapon, so strong can this emotion be. Fear can be paralyzing at times, and can push us into action into others. Both requiring no thought. It can be dumb things that prompt fear. I am afraid of snakes. The other day Ty and I were walking near the Mississippi river and came across a tiny gardner snake. I knew there was nothing to fear at all with such a small creature, but as soon as it crawled toward my shoe, without even thinking, I jumped away with a fright. Fear can also be deeper then just a quick emotion though. I remember going camping with a friend when I was little. We went fishing with his family and as we were going from one spot to another I decided to head back to the campground. I was pointed up the road were camping on, but somehow got off the road somehow. I was probably lost for only a few minutes, but it seemed like hours to me having heard what can happen to kids who get lost in the mountains.

I could really write for hours there are so many different emotions that bring us to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Emotion is the real, raw, powerful, force that makes us human, and makes life worth living.

We were discussing in my Old Testament class the other day the work of Abraham Joshua Heschel and his theory of Divine Pathos. Pathos comes from the Greek πάσχειν, meaning "to suffer" or emotion. The key to this theory is that God feels emotion; that God cares. God is intimately involved with human life and as such infinitely more sensitive then we are. As we feel joy, God feels it infinitely more. As we feel pain, again God feels it infinitely more. Scripture shows the emotion of Christ very simply and strikingly in John 11:35. "Jesus wept." There is a lot more to the theory of Divine Pathos, but for my purpose tonight all I can say is I like the idea of a God who feels emotion. It blows my mind the range of emotion that I can feel just watching a movie, or surfing the internet reading all my friends blogs. I can't even comprehend God feeling infinitely more then I can, but while it may not be understood, it definitely comforts. God cares, and he understands.

A good Story

I used to think that I would never be able to go to a movie at the theater by myself. I think a lot of people feel that way. I remember going alone for the first time and thinking that everybody in the theater was looking at me because I was the lame guy sitting alone with no friends to hang out with. There is something very liberating for me when I go to movies alone now. It's a sense of independence that I really enjoy. Going to movies for me is a complete escape from reality if only for a couple of hours. Once the trailers start, anything that was on my mind beforehand just turns off. I can just absorb myself into the world that I see on the screen, and put myself into the thoughts and the emotions of the characters portrayed in motion picture. When I was told that I would be losing my job at Group, they sent me home early for the day to think about if I wanted to continue to work out the month. I didn't go home, but went to a movie. When I have a lot on my mind and feel stressed, I go to the movies. Call it therapy in surround sound. When I go to movies with friends I still do get involved in the movie, but in a sense I take a piece of reality into the world of the movie with me. It's an escape, but just a small thread separates me from the real world.
For me stories are a powerful thing. They get my mind racing like nothing else on this earth. I like stories in books and on screen that focus not necessarily on action, or drama, or comedy. I like them all, but a story that touches me has real human emotion in it. I like seeing the characters, with feelings and flaws that could be real. I like to see my experience in the story on the screen. I like to see friendships that look real; relationships build not on sex but on joy and happiness. I like to see difficult decisions where there is not always a right choice. The movie industry in the United States is huge business, which leads me to guess that I'm not alone in this love for a good story.
It's easy to see why Jesus did so much of his teaching by telling stories. If there is one thing that I'm learning in my Church History class, it's that the old saying really does hold true. "The more things/people change, the more they stay the same." People have always enjoyed stories and it's what people talk about. I used to laugh as I sat in my cubicle at Group as my coworkers would gather around and chat about the last week’s episode of "24". When I was younger and in college it was the first few years of Friends that we would talk about. As a human race, we are fascinated by the stories we hear whether they are true or not. I can picture people in bible times not talking about the lecture they heard Jesus give, but repeating the story he told. Lectures contain facts, but stories contain human emotion embracing the facts.
On the way home tonight I was thinking. I don't think I can remember a single sermon that I have heard in my life. I can't think of a single one that I can point to the scripture that was read and the entire message. I can on the other hand think of many great stories that I have heard in these sermons. I don't remember the scripture, but I can illustrate what was taught by these stories. That's not to say that I have never learned in a sermon. I've heard many many many sermons and the lessons they have taught have sunk in, they just aren't recalled in the same way that I don't remember learning the alphabet, but the lesson was learned. It may just be my A.D.D. talking (I can't prove I have it, but I would place money on the fact) but if a good illustration is told with a sermon I listen and appreciate it, but if the illustration is weak, I tend to tune out.
I also heard a quick report on another movie tonight that was recently released by a church that has turned into a pretty major motion picture. Many of the actors and crew of the movie were members of the church. The pastor of this congregation said that he felt this may be the new mission of the church to reach people through this medium. This is an interesting approach to me. I can't say that I agree with the message I hear from previews of the movie just released. While I believe in the power of prayer, I think it's dangerous to hint that by praying you will get whatever you want, even a football victory. Prayer is more then just asking God for anything you want, and God doesn't run a convenience store where he will provide your every desire. With that tangent over though, what could a Church accomplish by showing the right things. How many people saw Christ’s crucifixion in a real way for the first time by watching the Passion?
It's a lot of different thoughts running around in my head tonight, and as usual this is a better forum for asking questions rather then answering them. I don't think a Church is really a church if they just shoot movies, because it's community with others in the presence of God that makes a church. I don't think that going to movies alone all the time is good; I love to go with friends. I do like movies with bad characters and a bad plot if they are funny. I do however appreciate it most when movies make me think and more importantly make me feel. I do love it when a church message makes me view a picture in my head as opposed to processing facts. Most of all I guess, I just love a good story.
I sat in the library for about three hours today working on practice sentences for Greek. I can't say that I will ever become a big fan of Biblical Greek, but I understand most of the concepts behind the language. I am however very slow at deciphering even the most simple sentences. I'm sure speed will come with time, but I'm looking forward to being able to use a computer program for next year to help me out. I had the most beautiful view while I was working on these sentences today though; it finally snowed big beautiful glorious powdery snowflakes. I love the snow. It reminds me of back home and my favorite time of the year. I wished I had a camera for while it was snowing, because it was a pretty sight to see it come down out the big picture windows in the library.
I'm feeling less stressed this weekend as opposed to last. I got the paper done that I was stressing about then, and for some reason I'm much less worried about my tests this week. After that I will have Thanksgiving break and then a bunch of papers due all at the same time...ouch. I'm starting to feel like I can do this again though. It really is true that seminary can be a constant roller coaster of elation at the thought of a life in ministry, to sheer doubt and terror. It's good though that I'm able to explore all the feelings and realize that I will come out on top in the end.
I've been very poor at keeping in touch with my liaison with the Presbytery committee that oversees candidates for ministry, but he sent me an e-mail this week. We are going to arrange a time to meet for lunch when I'm back in Fort Collins over Christmas. I'm only going to be there a short time, and I'm already getting a pretty full calendar. I'm really starting to look forward to this visit, but it still seems miles away.

October daze

Over the first couple months of the year I've been told that I was the person that never seemed to worry about school. I didn't stress over papers or tests, and my friends wished that they could find a way to avoid the stress that they felt. Yet even with my apparent lack of concern I did very well. Now it's my friends telling me not to stress. We have hit the point in the year where papers are starting to come due and the second round of exams hit right before Thanksgiving in a couple of weeks. Following that the biggest papers start to be due very quickly and finals follow that. I know I am capable of doing the work, but I worry about finding the time to fit everything in. I am in awe of so many of my classmates who juggle much more in their life then me, and still seem to get everything done, while I seem to struggle to stay on top of everything. In the end, I know things will work out, and that God will see me through, but I have a feeling my stress levels will probably be very high at least until the last day of class before Thanksgiving, and a week off from class to help get caught up.
While I have worked hard this weekend, I've also taken a little bit of time to have some fun. Ty took me home to meet her parents Friday, on our way to a high school performance of the Music Man. Her best friend’s sister played Marion, the female lead, in the production, and she absolutely stole the show. It was a very neat performance.
The previous weekend my Mom visited from Arizona, which gave me a chance to play tour guide and to get to know the town of Dubuque better. I reserved a neat Bed and Breakfast for her to stay at, and the house was simply amazing. They say that most of their clientele are repeat customers and I can see why. Mom has already said that she will stay there every time she comes.
With Dubuque being on the Mississippi river, most of the activities we did centered on or around the river. We spend one afternoon at the National Mississippi River Museum here in town and had a fun time. We also were able to make a quick stop at the Mines of Spain to show her one of my favorite places I've seen so far.
On the Sunday she was here I took her to the church I've been attending here in town. It's a pretty old church that dates back to the 1800's. The founder of the church was also key to founding the seminary program here. It's really different for me to visit churches here that are older then the state I grew up in. Sunday afternoon Mom and I also took a walk on a short river walk that follows the river downtown. It really was a pleasant day for a stroll by the river.
Tuesday was Halloween and that evening I went to a party hosted by a friend living in the south cul-de-sac. My costume was that of a French-man so I shaved the beard I had been growing since the third week here in favor of a mustache to go with the black shirt, leather coat, and beret I wore. It was a fun night and we had a lot of pretty outrageous costumes. Things probably didn’t get any better either as I ended up wearing a mullet wig pretending to play an electric guitar by the end of the night.
Other then that, life has been pretty good. I'm anxious to get some papers and exam results back for a few classes, but I feel good about what I've accomplished so far. I worry that the academic part of things is starting to wear on me, which is something that I promised myself wouldn't happen to me while I was here. I at least am aware of this, and while the work still needs to get done, I am able to deal with it. I'm going to try and do a bit of a jumpstart on my worship life in a couple of weekends. I've been wanting since I've come here to go down to Chicago and attend a worship service at Willow Creek Church. While I know that it is not the type of church I would want to attend every week, I really do find that when I take myself out of something that is comfortable, I learn about worship and what it really means, as well as learn something about myself. I'm looking forward to being able to go.
I've been neglecting my journal lately as well. I do find that getting my feeling out in the open helps me to focus and I guess vent. Journaling was the first of the spiritual disciplines we explored in our groups this year, and I can now see why. I hope to do better.