In a box

I interviewed the other day for a supervised practice of ministry position, for next fall, at the church I've been attending here in Dubuque. Probably the two best questions asked during that interview came not from the pastor of the church, nor any members of the session tasked to interview the five candidates for the position. In my opinion the best questions came from a high school student sitting in because part of the job will involve working with the youth of the church. The first question she asked followed up on a basic retelling of my life regarding how I stumbled into the meaning of grace. It was simple and to the point. Do you know what Grace is now? At the time I answered yes, that after hitting rock bottom in my life, it has a meaning in my life that is beyond words; that I don't have any right to be where I am in my life, yet God has allowed it. To ask a truthful question though, do any of us really understand grace?

The second question that was asked of me later in the interview was, "if you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?" The beauty of this question is that it doesn't matter what fruit you answer with, it's the explanation of the answer that gives great insight into who you really are. This question opens up the person being interviewed to volunteer information about themselves in a more meaningful way then the ordinary "tell us about yourself" question. I think my answer says a lot about me and who I am. I said I would be a watermelon. I don't even like watermelon, but I answered this way because I don't like to be put into a box. I could have said banana or orange or apple, but the vision I had in my head at the moment involved a skit done by Gallagher as he takes a sledgehammer and smashes a watermelon with it. It's unexpected, and loud, and exciting and out of the ordinary. It's out of the box.

I don't think that anybody likes to be put in a box. I know that I grew up in a generation that always felt the need to express themselves. Ideas such as school uniforms or dress codes caused great consternation among me and all of my friends. We all wanted to be unique, and different then anybody. Labels that narrowly defined us were hated. I still take great pride in being different and unique, and I know I always will. I refuse to allow anybody to place me in a box. Society still gets riled up as we try and use labels to define people, places and events. People in our society also hate to be put in a box.

As a society I wonder then, why we always try and place God in a box. So many people, me included, have our own little box that we try and place God in. We create our own little God that fits our preconceived notion of what he should be. Like going through a buffet line, we pick and choose the things we want to believe about God, not because we have studied scripture to see what it says, but because it's what we want to believe about him. I don't want to believe in a God that may pick and choose because it makes me uncomfortable; it doesn't fit into my box. I don't want to believe in a God that allows people who are different from me have power in the church. Let’s reject that. Conservatives and Liberals alike, we are all guilty of doing this. We are guilty of trying to define God, not as he is, but as how we would like him to be.

This goes back to my first question. Does anybody really understand grace, let alone God? Can we as humans understand something as powerful as that we receive from grace? I know that I appreciate God's grace in my life with all my being, yet I still take it for granted on so many occasions. I hit rock bottom in my life once, but let’s face it, many have been much lower then me. Christ was arrested, tortured, beaten, humiliated, and died; none of which was deserved. I deserve all of that and more in my life, but I have been spared. How does one understand the uncomprehendable? I was having a discussion with a friend the other day on the topic of pain. This conversation brought to mind my desire to always be able to explain things. As a guy it's in my nature to want to fix things and to tell other how things should be, but as I pastor I can't fix those who are hurting. I can’t explain to them why they are hurting, or why things happen the way they do. All I can do is let myself be open to God, so that he can work his healing in his own way. I have a friend who is going through some very difficult trials at the moment. I again wish I could explain God to her, but I can't, and that’s not what she needs right now. Me trying to explain God in this situation would only make things worse.

As humans I don't think this means that we shouldn't try to understand God as best we can. I don't think that it's wrong that we take issues and theologies that we disagree on and debate the merits as long, as we are open to each others side and recognize that we will never be fully able to understand God in this life. We need to be open to understanding God as he is revealed in scripture first and then nature. We need to unpack our box and let our comfortable understanding of the triune God go. We need to allow God to live outside of the box.

This means war!

I was had tonight!Of course this means war. I tried to build a snowman on the front porch of some friends of mine earlier this evening, but they heard me and caught me in the act. I caught them in the act here, but it was a little too late. Oh well, this kind of war is right up my alley (insert evil laugh right here!!!).

I'm sitting here in the middle of an official blizzard warning, enjoying what may my last free weekend for a long time. I was supposed to go to a junior B level hockey game tonight; the Dubuque Thunderbirds, but because of the snow most of my friends cancelled on me. It's been fun burning some music with Ryan and messing around a little on the guitars though. He is really good, and it makes me want to learn more then the 5 or 6 chords I know right now.

They have already canceled church in the morning for the church I normally attend here in Dubuque. Some friends and I have decided that we still want to do a worship service so we are getting together tomorrow morning for a prayer service. We will sing some hymns and contemporary worship songs with the guitar and do church home style. It will be fun to worship in a way that is probably very relevant in regards to the way the original church started.

Last week, I managed to secure the Supervised Practice of Ministry job I applied for, and I’ll probably start next weekend. It's a part time job at a church that will let me practice preaching, visiting people in the hospital and nursing home, and working with youth. I have always said that the thing I lack most in trying to become a pastor is practical experience, and this will allow me to gain some. It's a beautiful drive to the church in Galesville, Wisconsin, but it's also a long 3 hour drive. I will be making the drive every weekend through the end of the school year, but then they will provide a place for me to live over the summer as the job becomes full time. I'm a little scared that over the month of June I will also be the solo pastor at the church as the real pastor is on vacation, but I know with God's help I can do it. I'm really excited to get started there. When I drove up to interview, I had such an incredible sense of peace just driving into the town. Meeting with the pastor and a couple of people from the church just confirmed that peace. I'm loving life.

There has been some worry lately on the campus that at the seminary there is a bit of a disconnect between this years first year class, and the second and third years. A few friends and I have tried to do some things to try and bring the classes together a little more. The day I drove up to Wisconsin for the interview I came back to play poker with a lot of guys from the seminary at my place. I knew that I was going to be a little late, but with my roommates permission I volunteered our townhouse for the night. After parking in the garage I opened the door to find 19 guys playing poker in my living room from every class, not to mention age and nationality. We only play for chips, so it's not a big deal, but it was an incredibly fun event of guy’s night out. I'm hoping that it's something that we can keep up. It blows me away sometimes how easy it is for women to pull together a group to spend time together, study, pray, and just fellowship, but it can be so difficult for men. This was definitely a good thing and something that needs to be done more often in society.

With the weather being bad and school being stressful, our group has found a way to escape if only for an hour or two a couple nights a week. We've been gathering at Kevin and Anne’s place to watch American Idol each night in a ritual that promises to happen every Tue, Wed, and Thurs. for as long as the show runs, which will most likely cover most of the semester. The other night we also got together for a night of guesstures and taboo; both fun board games which ironically don't have a board (I guess the question is then, are they really board games?). Anyways it's been a fun semester so far, but it also promises to be a very difficult one as well.

Snow Day

Today was a snow day. School was canceled all day. In other words it was almost the perfect day, with the mixture of snow on the ground, the ability to crawl back into bed, and the feeling of just being like a kid today. I did have a session meeting for class that I had to attend tonight, and I did do some reading, but for the most part I just allowed myself to waste the day. I really think you need to do that sometimes, though I may do that a little too much, but I digress.
Right now I'm just sitting back at my computer listening to the new John Denver CD that I got for Valentines Day (Sunshine On My Shoulders does not seem to fit the snow day theme, but again I digress), and being mellow. I think I have managed to get over the syllabus shock from the first couple weeks of school, and have reverted back to my reading by triage methodology. I have a few friends who manage to keep up on their reading, and if I ever learn their secrets it may be a miracle, but I guess I manage ok.
I have applied for what is called a Supervised Practice of Ministry position (imagine a church internship for college credit) and I have an interview Friday. I'm really excited for this, but I think that excitement is tempered a bit by the fact that the church is about a 2 1/2 to 3 hour drive from here. I'm driving up for the interview Friday, so I will get to see the church and see how the drive will be. When I was in Colorado for my Psych exam this is one of the things that was recommended to me. I have been involved with the church on and off again for some time, but I have never actually been involved with the church on a daily basis as a member of staff. This practical experience is something that I'm really longing for. It should be a great experience.
I've been real bad at writing over the last few weeks. I think a lot of that had to do with a feeling of spiritual dryness, mixed with the syllabus shock, but I think I have managed to work through both of that a little bit. I skipped out of my pastoral care class Thursday and drove down to a nature area on the Mississippi river. Even though it was about 15 degrees, I climbed down a hill and went for a short walk along the railroad track running along the river. Stopping just short of a bridge spanning a creek as it joins the river, I had a seat to watch a group of bald eagles as they soared above me, and fished the river. I think I sat there by the tracks and just listed for God's voice as I watched the incredible ballet of the great majesty of his creation take place above me. The gift of grace almost has new meaning as you see the powerful grace present in the flight of an Eagle. Two different meanings of the same word, and yet they both seem to transcend each other in a single moment. I think I could have sat there all night had the word hypothermia not been a very real concern by the time I left (I may be exaggerating a bit there).
A couple of weeks ago I also got another step toward ordination out of the way as I took the Bible Content Exam required by the Presbyterian Church. While I won't know the official results of the test for probably another month, I'm pretty confident that I did ok on it. I took the question sheet and sat down with some friends following the test and we went over each answer on the test. I won't say what I think my score is, but it is well above the passing level.
Last week and this week I have been responsible for leading the discussion in my spiritual formation group here. Last week our topic was on the discipline of hospitality. I king of laughed at my volunteering for this topic because I don't normally feel very hospitable. I know some people who are the greatest host's in the world, who are thinking of their guests constantly. After our discussion though, I don't know if I have more work to do toward being hospitable, or accepting one's hospitality. I think it goes back to having that strong American view of independence; of being able to do anything I need to do by myself. I have had such a great deal of hospitality given to me in my life though, and still have problems knowing how to show my gratefulness. I lived with friends in Loveland for 3 weeks last August, and stayed with them again for another 3 weeks in December. They basically set me up with a little basement apartment and gave me free run of their house. I think I thanked them every bit I could, but I still feel a need to try and pay them back. Tonight I got home from my meeting and realized that my bread in the pantry was all moldy. I called my girlfriend and asked if I could take her up on an offer for some dinner. I went over, chatted with her a little while I ate her food, and then left. In a sense I really felt like a freeloader doing that. In his Grace, God has justified me by Faith in him. Without this incredible gift and act of hospitality I would be lost. I don't deserve it, and wish that I could pay it back, but I will never be able to. All three of these are various acts of hospitality offered in my life that sometimes I just need be willing to accept as a gift and say Thank You.