Prayer in the Words

I don't know why it has been a chore for me to write as of late. It confuses me that something that was once a treasured part of my life, has become of late something that I see as a chore. Seeing my journaling in this light has caused me to stop doing something that has really and truly been a source of great comfort and reflection. I guess that some of this has been due to the fact that I already do a great deal of writing in my everyday life, and to sit down at a keyboard and write for another hour, as a devotional, seems a waste of time. The problem I run into though is that this form of writing tends to be very therapeutic and helps me to order my thoughts and feelings. I have gone through the gambit with disorganized thoughts and feelings this semester of school, and I have a hunch that much of this is due to my hesitancy to spend the time to write what is on my mind.There is I think, a second reason that I have been hesitant to write though, and that is fear. Some of the topics that I have explored over this semester, and before to be truthful, are issues that can be very divisive in the world and in the church. I tend to have some strong thoughts on these topics, but I also hate confrontation. I don't like the idea that if I explore my feelings online, others may be hurt or offended. As I go into ministry I worry that I may not be confrontational enough with my congregation and my community. I think that one of the biggest problems we have in this country is a feeling of indifference, and if our pastors and religious leaders are not willing to step up in love to challenge the status quo of society, then the message of the Gospel (oftentimes the offensive message of the Gospel) may be watered down too much. It scares me that I may become something that I don't like by my fear of offending somebody. It's also a scare to me that my blog could be used against me as I search for a church in the next couple of years. I think it's important to be honest in searching for a call, and I always try to be very honest in my writing, and careful about what I say, but I can't escape the feeling sometimes that I may be saying things that rule me out of a Church that is a good fit for me. I also have been hesitant to write over the past six months or so because many of the thoughts and emotions I have been wrestling with have related to people who have been known to be readers of this blog. I have enjoyed my journaling process because it makes me look at people and situations in a good light, due to the fact that anybody can read it. This is great in helping me reframe situations. My problem is that sometimes being honest with myself won't let me be completely honest with the world. Nobody likes to admit faults to themselves, let alone online. It becomes something fearful and uncomfortable. It's through the process of confession and laying things on the line though that we find healing. It's an easy thing to say though, and another to show that faith through action.A friend has inspired me to begin writing again, due to their very passionate and honest exploring of a difficult situation. I miss feeling free to express my thoughts, feelings, perspectives, daydreams, inspirations, and just basic ramblings to the world, and to myself though, so my honest hope is that I can learn to recapture this great devotion. I realize that in writing these posts I experience a very real and honest form of prayer to God, one that I am not capable of experiencing without these printed (or electronic) words. Glory be to God.