A lament on trust

I remember taking an inventory a few years back for a class on the gifts of the spirit as to what my spiritual gifts were. At the time I was suprised that my number one gift according to the inventory was the gift of faith. I never thought of faith at the time as being a gift from God. Looking back at my life, I see that this is true...Maybe.
I have always had a deep and abiding belief in God. There have been times in my life when people have asked how long I have believed in God, and the truth is that I have always believed in God. I was raised to believe in God, and that belief has only grown deeper and deeper from both my study and personal experiences of life. Both my ex-wife and an ex-girlfriend asked at one point when I was saved. They were both from Baptist backgrounds and wanted to know when I accepted God as my Lord and Savior...when did I say "the prayer;" when was I saved? The best answer to that came from my seminary friend Andrew. "I was saved about 3:00 in the afternoon...some 2000 years ago." I believe in God; I believe he is my creater, and that in Christ I am saved. I have faith...or do I.
My struggle these past weeks have not centered on belief in God...but in trust in God. I trust in grace; I trust in God's love. I don't however seem to trust enough to put all my trust in God when it comes to my life here and now. I worry about my life. I worry that I am not good enough sometimes. God deserves better. I don't put enough trust in God to do things that I think are important. I don't tithe. I don't live my life free from worry. I don't always live a life that is worthy of the one who died on a cross for me. I also take this worry about not being good enough and transfer it to the one person I love most here on earth. I am getting ready to marry the most amazing woman that I have ever met, and I worry that I am not good enough for her. She is the most non-judgemental person I have ever met, and I know that she loves me for whom I am, but I worry. She deserves better. I don't ever want my past mistakes to affect our wonderful relationship.
And so I wallow in guilt and shame from time to time, putting as much faith and trust in Grace, knowing that only in Christ do I escape bondage to these feelings. I know that I am loved. I know that I am cared for. I don't deserve God's love; I don't deserve Becky's love, but they both love me deeply. I can't think of any greater proof for Grace then that.

Control?

I wonder sometimes how much of a control freak I am. I am easy going, laid back, and very non-confrontational...but I also think that I have some natural leadership skills, and therefore often find myself in at least partial control of every situation. Most of the time, I feel as if I'm in complete control of my life. I know where I'm going, and I know how to get there. It's all a matter of sticking to the road in front of me. It's ok to stop at a few rest stops and gas stations along the way, just as long as I don't veer too far off the highway of life. I won't get lost. I'm in control.
Lately however I'm starting to feel that my life is in control of me. I wonder where I lost some of that control; how I detoured off that nice straight road of life, and ended up somewhere else. A lot has changed in the last few months. For starters being engaged has changed my life considerably. A year ago my path was laid out for me; graduate and find a call anywhere in the country. Now my future career options are a lot more limited, at least for short term. I also feel like I am out of control in my schooling. I feel more buried then I have ever been at any one time in seminary, and yet I can't seem to motivate myself to get started; to get moving. Senioritis has taken hold, and all I can do is hold on until graduation. The last way I am feeling out of control is in the issue of finances. I have terrible credit. I don't own a credit card. These are both my fault, but it makes living on a student’s budget difficult at times. When I run out of money for the semester, I run out. I don't think I have done a good job budgeting this semester out. I doesn't help that I bought a ring this summer, and that my car has been to the shop three times this fall, but I am running out of money quickly. I have not had to borrow money since school started from parents, but I'm afraid that I may have to do that very soon. This would not normally be a huge deal, but again it takes me and puts me out of control.
The last time I felt this way, I think was probably a few years ago. I had just found out I was loosing my job with Group Publishing. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, and began contemplating this path to seminary. I found that journaling helped a great deal during this time to help me begin to sort out the feelings I was having, and to lead me down the right path. Journaling online on this blog began to almost be a prayer exercise, as I tried to figure out God's plan for me.
I don't think I ever realized that journaling was/could be a prayer exercise until recently with a class on prayer I'm taking. I want to rediscover the love of journaling that I one had. I want to help sort through all of the emotions that I am going through now with marriage and graduation (both things I'm very excited for) on the radar. I want to rediscover a degree of control over my life. Maybe this means I do not trust God enough...what does it mean to trust God that much? So many questions, but I guess those are for another night. For now it's just a prayer that God will continue to walk with me, and that in this form of online prayer I will begin to see answers again in this new and exciting season.

Flood Relief

On Saturday a group of about 25 from Marion First Pres went into Cedar Rapids to help out with the flood relief. My camera batteries ran out early (which probably saved my camera) but here are some of the snapshots I managed to take.
This was my first real trip into the heart of the flood. It's weird to be right in the middle of what was a bustling city neighborhood only a month or so ago, and now see it completely barren and empty, with the exception of a few houses who have volunteer groups working on them, and the occasional Salvation Army food truck driving by to feed volunteers.

I added a red line on the photo to show where the water line on the house we worked on was. Well above my reach, and I'm 6'3".

We weren't the only people doing flood relief this week. A Methodist Church youth group from Berthod (near my home town) stayed at our church all week. One great thing about disasters is the denomonational structure in this country breaks down, and we get to become The Church.

Speed Limit 20

I love watching for different shapes and patterns in everyday life and like to experiment with how they might look in a photo. Much of the time, I don't get images that I care for, but sometimes I take something that speaks to me. It may not look good to others, but that is the beauty of art.
I took this photo of a beat up parking lot after visiting a gentleman from the church who is in hospice care. I have only visited him and his family a few times, but they already have a special place in my heart. The man has MS and can not comunicate very well, but I don't think I will ever forget my second visit with him, when he managed to speak the words I love you out when I left. I often times think that we pictures our lives as a journey on the freeway with all the wonderful sights and sounds wizzing by us as we drive on by. Sometimes in life however the road looks a lot more like this, as we are forced to slow down, endure the jolts and bumps of the road, and trust in God to help us figure out how to put all the pieces back together.



I took this photo on the very same day in the flower garden of the people's house I'm living at this summer. Often times we get to see the greatest beauty in life, when we are forced to slow down.

Shining Some Light on the Trinity

Sitting in theology and history classes over the past two years have really began to give me a deep appreciation for our Trinitarian beliefs; Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. In fact I don't think there are many classes that haven't help develop this deep and profound respect for this, the fundamental building block of our Christian faith. It's only through understanding the Trinity that we can even begin to understand the statement that, "God is love" and to understand the communal aspect of our religion. Wars have been fought over this one issue, and yet I feel that we are losing touch with these Trinitarian beliefs in our secular world. I see less and less of the Trinity, even in our Sunday worship anymore.
This photo was taken of some stained glass windows in First Presbyterian Church in Marion, where I am working for the summer. I love going into our chapel in the late afternoon with the lights off, and the sun shining into the windows of the dark room. It's an amazing effect. It also amazes me how something we often think of as plain looking on the surface, can be so beautiful when you shine some light on it in the dark.....and that was much deeper then I originally intended.....

Stopped in my tracks

I have hit a bit of a snag in my quest to post photographs each day for my personal photo project. It seems that when you have an old camera, and lose your USB cord, then you can't load your photos on your computer. It will cost me over twenty dollars apparently to replace the cord, which has me thinking about just replacing the camera, for a much newer one.

I have been taking photos however. I stole Becky's camera this weekend in an attempt to give her something to remember her first two church's as she gets ready to be reassigned to a new one. I'm bummed out that she will be moving even further away, but I'm real exicted for all the potential this new ministry has for her. Like all things I guess we take the good with the bad. Here are a few of my favorite photos from this weekend.

A photo project

It's amazing how much being in school can make one tired of writing. I love to journal/blog as I explore my thoughts and reflect on the world around me, but I have found that with other writing assignments, I have probably burned out a bit on my writing. To that extent I'm going to try something different for a while, and share my life not through words, but through photos. My goal is to post a new photo everyday (or at least a photo for everyday, I'm sure I'll double up some days), to reveal a little bit of me. My hope is this will inspire some writing as well as help to better develop a photographers eye. I'm doing so with an inexpensive digital camera, so no great big special effects. What you see is what I saw. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then maybe this blog will the equivilant to a set of encyclopedias by the time I'm done!

A Future Preacher?

I preached my first sermon for my preaching class on Tuesday. I don't have my grade yet, but most of the feedback I received seemed favorable. I still have a lot of room for growth, but I enjoy it. Let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is always welcome.

Late night ramblings

There was a time when I would jump on my blog and merely relate some of the experiences of the day in a couple of paragraphs. I don't know why I sometimes feel now that I have nothing to write about that is interesting. Some of it I guess is just the feeling that I'm in a bit of a rut. Not all of it is bad, but life seems to just be very routine at times; not enough money or time or even energy for that matter to be overly impractical and spontaneous. I sometimes miss the ability to go to Dave and Busters on a whim and blow a ton on money without thought. I miss the freedom to jump in my car and drive for a few hours in the mountains just for the thrill of doing it. I miss many of my friends who would gladly give up a Sunday afternoon to the camaraderie of sitting in a sports bar all day to watch 6 different games all at the same time. Life changes, and that isn't bad, but I guess I'm feeling a little melancholy tonight and wishing to relive some of my past.
I look at my present however and realize that there are some things I wouldn't want to ever change. My prayer time every evening with Becky has a deep and profound meaning in my life. Gathering friends together to watch a meaningless show like American Gladiators is wonderful. Tonight, remembering how therapeutic it is to write my feelings out....I guess the present isn't so bad.

Interpretive Exercise

Over 1 million abortions are performed in the United States each year. Over fifty percent of couples who are married in the United States will end up divorced. Violence permeates our culture; Virginia Tech… Columbine High School… Iraq. Natural disasters ravage our land; Hurricane Katrina…Floods…Earthquakes…Tornados. We are left homeless, hungry, humiliated. To top it all off, the church is in decline. Millions are leaving the church each year. “God is Dead?....”

If this is the way it is to be, why do I live?

On Sunday morning I get to see God in the eyes of a newborn baby being baptized. I see a new marriage take place in the church; a promise made that Christ is and will always be present. I see that promise in the face of a couple now married for 50 years. I see the Spirit at work in the faces of people coming together to pray for the families of those touched by violence; people who don’t even know each other hugging, and holding hands. I see the church reaching out in mission to house the homeless, to clothe the cold, and Christ is present in the eyes of the hungry woman who brings her child into the soup kitchen. On Sunday I feel God presence as I eat the bread, and drink the cup; the cross hangs empty on the wall. Why do I live? I live because Christ Lives!

In the Beginning

Twelve hours…

It is night; the darkness is enhanced by the ominous presence of menacing clouds. The heavy rainfall is proof of their presence, and the steady beat of water as it crashes into trees, ground, and lake, drown out any other noise. Occasionally the scene is illuminated by the flash of lightning, but otherwise all remains dark.

Dawn approaches, and the rain turns to drizzle as the storm front passes. The scene of a wooded lakeshore is revealed in the dazzling red and orange hues of a mountain skies sunrise. As water drips off the leaves of the lush green vegetation and settles on the mossy covered rocks and underbrush below, a mosquito settles onto the, now calm, waters surface. Suddenly it disappears; the shimmering rainbow glinting off a trout’s scales.

Day comes and a doe leads her fawn to the waters edge for a drink. The dampness of the evening has evaporated into the comforting warmth of a summer’s day. In the trees a harmony of music and colors blend into a symphony of songbirds, as high above an eagle soars taking in the show.

As evening comes, a gentle fog rolls over the lake. As the sun sets, the sky shows promise of revealing all its secrets in the blaze of a million starts. In the distance a gentle hoot sounds and an owl glides silently through the quiet night air.

I get to witness it all; God still at work in his creation.

Everyday becoming a brand new “In the Beginning…”

The Iowa Caucus

One of the things I was the most excited for in coming to Dubuque was the opportunity to participate in the Iowa Caucuses. This is always the first in the nation, and something that gets a lot of attention. One of the things I probably didn't expect was to decide to attend the Democrats caucuses instead of the Republican however. I must admit that I have been won over pretty strongly by Barak Obama this year and I decided to Caucus for him. It was a unique experience for me. The participation for the precinct I live in was pretty good. Because the event was moved up this year, the caucus took place in a smaller middle school cafeteria instead of the occupied gymnasium. It was pretty much standing room only in here, and because they were told classrooms would not be made available, it was decided that some of the caucusing would need to take place in the halls. After a random drawing, the Richardson and Clinton groups were chosen to gather in the hallway outside the cafeteria. I enjoyed the rules of the process in Iowa. The first thing that happened was an initial count of support for each candidate. They needed at least 15% of the 344 people attending to be counted as viable. After the first count only three campaigns were viable according to the rules. This left the supporters of Biden, Richardson, Dodd and others to be wooed by other candidates. After a period in which this happened a second and final vote was taken. In the end Obama won our precinct, with Clinton taking second, and Edwards third. It was a great time.
As far as my decision to support Obama; I made it in spite of my Republican leanings because I find that as a moderate I am probably closer to Obama, a moderate democrat, then I am to any of the very conservative republicans, and I really don't like any of the moderate conservatives in the race. I guess my vote could change, but in seeing a democrat speak regarding faith and politics such as Obama does here (thanks to a friends blog for pointing it out), I find myself growing to like my choice this year more and more.