Indecision…

One of the reasons I started my blog was to be able to put my feelings down on paper (or the net as the case may be) in order to help me organize my thoughts and figure things out. I am feeling the need to do that tonight as I try to make one of the biggest decisions of my life. I am feeling very paralyzed as I try to decide whether to go to seminary in Dubuque or Austin. I don't feel that either is a bad choice and I can come up with very good reasons to attend both. In the end the choice rests with me, but part of me is screaming to have somebody make the decision for me so I don't have to. My fear is not that I am going to hate where I go, but that I will pass up a better opportunity by choosing one over the other. I know that I am being called to ministry, but I don't know where I'm being called to go right now and that is frustrating.

The University of Dubuque Theological Seminary:
This is the seminary where the pastor of my church is pushing me to go. I have a great deal of respect for Bob, and I value his opinions very much. Bob is not afraid to push his opinions though, and a large part of my desire to attend Dubuque is because of his recommendation. I almost fear turning Dubuque down because of the respect Bob has for the school. I am convinced that this school does fit my theology better then Austin and I have been made very familiar with some of the faculty here. One faculty member I have been told a lot about happens to be the person who would be my advisor at Dubuque. He has been a member of the Peace, Unity and Purity commission of the Presbyterian Church, which I have been studying the last month on Tuesday nights. To turn down the chance to get to work with Dr. Achtemeier regularly would be a very difficult thing to do for sure. That fact alone may be the biggest draw I feel toward going to Dubuque, in fact that alone may be the reason I am struggling with this decision so much. This seminary program is strongest in preparing students to be ministers in smaller congregations. This is by far where the greatest need for pastors is in the church right now, and honestly most Presbyterian churches are very small congregations. My fear is that I don't know that I am being called to pastor in a small church. I am open to that ministry, but I also would love to explore options of working in things such as young adult ministries in larger churches as well. I am afraid that I won't see as many specialized options for ministry training available in Iowa. I also fear that I won't like the town. I lived in Indiana for almost two years and didn't like the experience. I will acknowledge the fact that there were other reasons for me not liking Fort Wayne, but I think the location is a real concern of mine as well. I think my last fear is the size of the school at Dubuque. I wanted to go to a smaller school, but this is a very small school with probably less then 50 new students to the seminary program each year. Will I be able to find a group of like minded students my age to become close to? I don't know that answer. Dubuque will give me the chance to form very close friends though. I love the program they have that requires students to participate in spiritual development groups their first year on campus, and last semester. These are basically small groups of seminary students and an advisor who will gather each week to share in fellowship, bible study, devotions, and other activities to help develop spiritual growth in very relational ways. This is probably the second biggest reason I fear saying no to this school.

Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary:
Probably the biggest draw to Austin for me is the built in support I already have in place there. I have family in Austin that I absolutely adore. My Aunt, Uncle and cousins are very involved in a Presbyterian church already in the city, and will be a great support system for me. My cousin Lindsey is also thinking about ministry in her future, and she plans to enroll in Austin Seminary in a couple of years most likely. I love the thought of being able to attend seminary with my cousin. I also think Austin is a good fit for me with my lifestyle. I am thirty, but I'm single and like to live a pretty single lifestyle. There is a lot more to be offered in Austin in my free time, and the school is larger. I don't worry about being able to meet some people who have things in common with me in Austin. Texas is also much closer to my family in Arizona, and an easier trip to Colorado to see family and friends here. Holidays will be easier in Austin whether I stay in place or need to travel. Notice that the aspects that attract me to Texas don't have as much to do with the school. Is it selfish to focus so much on my own comforts when I am going to school to prepare myself to be God's servant? Part of me feels like none of these should be any reason to choose one seminary program over another. There are aspects of the school that draw me to Austin as well though. One if the experience I have had dealing with the admissions office at Austin. They have by far been the easiest office to work with between all the schools I have applied to. When I call, they answer the phone, and if the can't I have always had the call returned that day. The same can't be said for the other schools I have looked at. A friend of mine who attended Dubuque also pointed out to me that Austin will give me more opportunities to explore different paths into ministry. I was pretty sold on Dubuque until this fact was pointed out. I don't know that I want to work with a small church, and if that is the case, Austin could be the better school. My fears with Austin are very real too though. I don't know as much about the faculty here. I know that this school leans farther to the "left" then does Dubuque, and that is a very real concern to me in a church that already leans too far that direction in the first place. I want to attend a school that will challenge me, but not one that will beat me down with theology I can't agree with. Not being as familiar with the school has made choosing Austin more difficult for me.

As I said, my goal is to make a decision by this weekend. I don't think I can make a wrong choice, but I'm sure that in the end one of the schools would be a better choice for me. I just have to figure out which. Anybody who has managed to muddle through my thoughts to this point, please say a prayer for me this week for God to help guide me to which school he would have me choose. I know in the end, he will let me know and give me peace with my decision, but right now I think my hair is all turning gray, at least that which is not falling out......