A letter to August

It seems like whenever my priorities in life get out of order, they are put back into their place very quickly. I found out yesterday after work that my ex wife August committed suicide Sunday night. When I got home from work, I had an email in my box from her sister. When I called she broke the news to me. I'm still trying to work out my feelings about this because I honestly don't know how I should feel. I spent some of the very best and very worst years of my life with August. We laughed, cried, fought, worked, and played along side each other for over five years. At one point in my life I loved her more then anybody on the planet. I didn't go a single day in that period of time without at least speaking with her. I haven't seen August in almost a year and a half now though, and I feel very distant from the whole event. I came to a closure on our relationship a long time ago and this remoteness from a more powerful grief makes me sad. I do feel grief though, and a sadness that I can’t share how her life has led me to where I’m going next. Here is my attempt.

August, you truly were a beautiful person. I have not met many people with a stronger passion for giving in my entire life. You loved to give gifts to people, and were always thinking of others. It was not unusual for me to leave work after a long day and find a card on my driver’s seat from you. That always meant something to me. You were always the first person to jump in and help when people needed it. I will always remember watching you work your tail off in the kitchen with your mom during large family gatherings. I loved watching you August, when the holidays rolled around. I have never been great at giving, but watching your spirit and joy was awesome for me.
Girl, you lived your life caught on the extremes. When you loved somebody it was with your entire being. You fell in love quickly. When you were mad at somebody it was with an equal fire. I have always lived my life in a nice moderate emotional rut, but you showed me how to express emotion with a passion. I have never possessed as much fire, one way or another, as I did with you. When you cared about a project, it got done. You lived life with passion and fire directed in what ever direction you were led. I never really understood how your type A and my laid back personality fit together, but we made it work for a long time.
Looking back, I really learned a lot about myself and relationships from you. I learned what love can look like, and what a relationship can be, both the good and the bad. I will admit that I was not always the perfect husband, but my whole experience showed me how I can be better, and what the perfect relationship for me will look like.
I'm not going to say that I feel guilty for what happened, because I don't. I do know that there were times in my life that I failed you August. I wish that I didn't, but I know that is part of being human. I hope that you forgave me in the end, August. I also hope you know I forgave you.
I took a long walk last night. I didn’t plan it, but the walk too me past a lot of places that hold special memories of you for me. I walked past the apartment we first lived in. I remember the night we were married leaving that apartment, rushing to get away, only to have to turn back a couple of times because we forgot something. I remember being cozy and safe there. I walked by the church we were married in. I remember the relationship you formed with many of the middle school youth. I want you to know that you touched them, and made a difference in their lives. I sat on a wall on the south side of the church and said a long prayer for you August. I prayed for your family and friends as well, that they will find healing. I prayed for forgiveness for me, I know I wasn’t always perfect. I prayed for thanksgiving, because I know you are now with your heavenly father. I also walked by the place that I think was probably the most precious place in the world for you; the place that I think gave you the most joy, and also probably caused you the most pain. I wondered if you visited the same ground I did in the previous day. You taking me there for the first time is probably still the most precious thing anybody has ever done for me. I know I will never forget the emotions I felt that day August.
I know you had a lot of demons in your life, and I wish that you were better able to fight them. I know you did some things in your life that you wished you had never done. I don’t know if you ever forgave yourself for some of them August. Even if you didn’t though, God did. I hope you know that now. I don’t know if you loved yourself the way I saw you love others. God loved you; he still does. August, we came to a lot of pain from our relationship. I really do regret that, but I wanted to let you know that from that pain came my decision to become a pastor. I was hoping to share that with you someday, but I didn’t know how to tell you. I’m telling you now. We were not meant to be together in this life, we were too different. We tried to make something happen that shouldn’t have. We tried and we got burned. I still want you to know that I don’t regret any of it. I don’t regret the fights, or the falling out. I certainly don’t regret loving you the way I did. You will always have a place in my heart August. I would not be the person I am today without you.
I am happy with my life now August. I am excited to live it to the fullest, and go where God will take me. I have met and dated some of the most incredible women, and they have also played roles in my life. I hope that you were able to experience some of that as well.
I think you spent a lot of your life looking to find a peace that was always out of reach girl. I truly hope and believe that you have finally found that peace.
Good bye August, you will be missed.