Back home, Back on the road

I survived the two week Christmas vacation to sunny Arizona, and have returned to the cold and possible snow today of Colorado. It's good to be home. I'm one of those crazies that would much rather be in a snowstorm at 3 below, then in a heatwave of 100 degrees. Now I'm leaving in an hour to head up to Highlands Camp ( http://www.highlandscamp.org/ ), a Presbyterian retreat center, for the annual High School New Years retreat my church does. So much for "Its good to be home and sleeping in my own bed."

Last night I had one of those moments that won't leave me for a long time. I had to pick up a good friend (and ex girlfriend) of mine at the airport. Normally her best friend would be doing this, but she had moved out of state 6 months ago, and was in the process of moving back. Anyway I managed to have her (I'll admit it wasn't me who thought up the idea) come with me to the airport and surprise my ex. I love watching surprise reunions; screams, tears, hugs, the whole nine yards. I have always said that relationships are the most important things you will ever have in this life, and it's fun to see how true that is sometimes.

Well I'm out, and for any steadfast readers out there, I hope you all have a terrific New Years. I'll chat with you all next year.........

Merry Christmas

Well, Christmas has been here, and is pretty much done. Just a random string of thoughts I have had over the past few days of this season. First, how difficult is it to keep a Christmas message interesting and fresh every year, when everybody in the congregation has probably heard the story every year since their birth. Is it even important to keep the story interesting, and to present it in a different way each year? Should a service be just a simple reading of the gospel and some carols? I went to an incredible service this year in Green Valley Arizona. I guess I have heard it's not a city, but it's a large retirement community south of Tucson without even a school district. The church is pretty traditional, but the sanctuary is pretty big, and the choir is huge. They had an incredible performance by a local harpist during the service as well as a men’s quartet perform. It was very nicely done, but also what I have come to expect in the Presbyterian Church. The message however was what got me to thinking. It was a little confusing what the pastor was trying to get across, and I wonder if he was trying too hard to be original.
My second though is how important space can be. I love my family, and I absolutely love getting together with everybody on holidays. I also love my privacy sometimes, and it will feel very good to be sleeping in my own bed in a few days, not sharing a room with my brother. I love being in large groups; I love to be the center of attention, but to lay down alone with some music and a book is soo important to recharging one's batteries as well.
It’s been a fun, but very unusual Christmas. I'm not used to wearing sandals and hiking Christmas Eve and day. I'm not used to seeing snow all around. I miss not seeing my extended family on my Dad's side this year, but nobody traveled this year like most. It feels weird right now thinking about leaving Colorado for good maybe. I'm worried about things like finances for school and finding student aid. I'm nervous about getting accepted to schools, and choosing where to end up for good. I'm sad that I may have to give away my dog; she has been through sooo much with me. More then anything I'm excited and hopeful for the future. I'm going to put my trust in God, and I know he had great things in mind for me.

Merry Christmas everybody!!!

Procrastination is a good thing sometimes.

Sometimes I think I'm probably not the smartest cookie in the bunch. I have 7 essays to write for seminary applications that I need to get filled out, all pretty much asking the same questions. I planned on coming out to Arizona and having all the time to spend in the world to do them. I just missed one main fact, I don't ever get to see my family, and I don't want to waste my time up here writing essays. Oh well, there is always next year (since it starts in a a week basically). On a better note, I have been having a great time up here in Arizona. I am so excited to see my brother. I don't remember the last time I got to spend any time with him, but I'm thinking it has been over a year. I got to go hiking with my Mom today and had a great time. It is very strange for a Colorado boy to be able to go hiking in 80 degree weather in December though. Well I should probably go outline an essay anyway....How many pages is 1000 words?

Ramblings on Imperfection

On occasion one of my best friends likes to remind me of a quote he likes, and one that I have heard in many different places. I don’t know the exact quote, or who penned it originally, but it says something to the effect that more people have been killed in the name of religion throughout history, then for any other reason. I can’t and won’t argue with this premise, as I have heard too many stories of the atrocities of the early church. I also have seen some of the atrocities of the modern church as well, and while they may not end in the death of somebody, they can be equally as bad to a person’s spirit. The new catch phrase of my generation seems to be “I’m spiritual but not religious”. I hear many people I have grown up with, and some that have grown up in my youth groups say, “I believe in God, but not organized religion”. I have had numerous conversations with people lately who say they don’t believe in God, or are struggling with that faith because of something that may have happened in church history, or something that has happened to them with the church. All of these people have allowed the imperfection of the church on earth to affect their relationship with their father in heaven. None of these people seem to point to God as their problem; they point their fingers toward man. This insight is important as it gives us background on why many people feel the way they do. It shows that we need not only address the message of salvation, but also the message of why a perfect God calls us to be members of an imperfect community of believers (his church). How can I, a sinner (and let me tell you how big of one I am….), as I enter into ministry not lead as many people away from Christ by my actions, as I lead to him? How do you teach somebody about his love, if they don’t trust the source it is coming from? We are called to try and pattern our lives after Jesus, and this is one of the reasons why. If we are to lead others to Christ, we need to demonstrate his love not only on Sunday, but everyday, to everyone. I know this task is impossible, but it helps to give me a better reason to, for lack of a better term, follow the straight and narrow. I won’t pretend to have all the answers right now; in fact sometimes I’m not even sure I am asking the right questions. My question right now is; how do you separate God from his church while leading somebody into a relationship with Christ who may have bad feelings toward the church, while at the same time showing them the importance of belonging to his body of believers and that the Holy Spirit is present in the church today?

JOY

I'm a jerk. I couldn't help it. I was walking down the street this afternoon wearing a short sleeve shirt enjoying the 65 degree weather I'm experiencing here in Arizona, and I had to call some friends back in Colorado to gloat. I knew for a fact that it was 12 degrees there this morning, and it was snowing. I also know that this will come back on me someday, but I guess sometimes that I just never learn.

I really am having a nice time here in Arizona so far. It has been nice to take a vacation to see family that is longer then just a few days to spend with them during the hectic few days of Thanksgiving, Christmas, a wedding or funeral. Those trips are always so rushed and hectic that you don't get to really spend quality time with people. It was nice sitting with my grandma reading a book this afternoon and taking a nap. I loved having a nice conversation with my Mom about my plans for school. I love that we could watch a Bronco game together again, without feeling that there was something else I needed to be doing, or somewhere that I needed to get to. I love the celebration of family I get to experience each year at Christmas. I'm not a big Christmas person when it comes to the hype of the season. I don't decorate my house, in fact all my decorations fit inside a shoebox. I haven't put up a tree in 3 years, and don't really see a point when I never have Christmas at my house. Christmas is my favorite holiday though because in its own special way it is about family and relationships. It's about Christ coming down and joining our family, so that we may join his. My special memories of this season don't revolve around great light displays, or expensive gifts (Mom if you’re reading this, disregard that part, I still like expensive gifts...). It revolves around seeing more people fit in a house then the house is designed for, all enjoying each others company. It's the feeling I get of belonging to my family and of belonging to Christ's family that I will cherish always at Christmas. It's the emotion that I see written all over my Grandma's home......

"JOY"

Appearing before Session

I am a step closer to my goal. I postponed my trip to Arizona (I leave in the morning) so I could appear before the session (governing body) of my church tonight. This is what the paperwork I had been filling out earlier this week was for. I wasn't sure who was even on session, so I was unsure just how many people would know me, but I found that I knew most everybody in the room very well which was very encouraging. I was asked to let them know a little about myself and to express why I thought I was being called to work in ministry. That was easy, but then came the can you give us an expression of your faith question. I know what I believe, I just answered the question in print the other day, but I still feel like I stumbled all over the place in answering it. Sometimes I wish I could be more eloquent in the way I talk, instead of just putting together all my random thoughts into words. I felt better after the associate pastor mentioned that I had done a better job describing my faith then he had heard at a Committee on Ministry meeting earlier in the day (Yes I love the Presbyterian Church, but they do have too many meetings). I was asked what schools I was looking at, and then they asked me to leave the room so they could discuss my request and vote. It seems like it only takes a few seconds to discuss something when you’re involved in the discussion, but when your outside it seems to take an eternity. When I was called back into the room everybody applauded me, and the pastor told me that I had been recommended to the presbytery (the next step is to appear before the Committee on Preparation for Ministry) unanimously after a few members of session gave me good recommendations. So now I get to mail off the paperwork, and go enjoy Arizona for Christmas.

With that in mind, I think I had better go pack. I leave at about 10:00 in the morning, and I haven't packed a thing. Still have some other things to do real quick too, It could be a long night.

Sleep

I seem to have a problem lately with sleep, or more appropriately lack of it. I have always been probably the biggest night owl I know, but lately it seems to be worse. I love to think. I'm always the person who would rather play trivia, or some game that keeps my mind working and on my toes. I don't enjoy games that are all luck, and depend on how well you roll a dice or spin a wheel. The problem is that sometimes I can't seem to turn off my brain. So much is happening in my life, that I just lay in bed staring at the ceiling (and the back of my eyelids) as I think about what going back to school is going to be like, how effective I may be, what happens if I fail/succeed and much more. It doesn't help that I'm now getting out of bed daily at about 10:30 as well. I don't know the solution, but hopefully I find the discipline to get out of bed earlier, and the will to not climb out of bed for a rousing game of hearts or freecell on the computer at 2:00 am when I can't sleep. Tomorrow maybe I'll try my sleeping pills again.

So tomorrow I meet with the session at my church to apply to be an Inquirer. I have no clue of what to expect in the whole process. I have not been as involved at the church as I feel I probably should have. I don't even know who is on the session. Most people know me at the church as somebody who helps out with the youth, and is normally hanging out with them (instead of any of the adults) at church functions. I don't feel nervous though, just curious with the whole process. More to follow...

Narnia

Ok, due to the fact my internet has been down now for 3 days, I have been unable to update anything, but this is my post that I was trying to put up Saturday the 10th. I will put more up hopefully tomorrow if I get my internet fixed (I'm at a friends home now).

I seem to be starting over quite a bit these days. I went to the Dr. yesterday (Friday) for the first time in seven months. I tend to avoid going when I know there is not going to be good news. It's not smart, but I guess I subscribe to the no news is good news theory sometimes. Anyway my sugar is not as good as it could be, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it might have been. Unfortunately my blood pressure has been high, so I'm going back on some drugs to help that out. I've decided with my new commitment to pursue ministry, it's time to start over in trying to take better care of my body as well. Here is to new starts.

Yesterday was a day that was full of reminders of the change in my life. One of the best ways to remind somebody of change is to connect them with their past. I had a great time going out with friends from my past job yesterday. In just the short week I've been gone a lot has already changed, and it's weird to not be a part of that change. The funny thing is I don't miss it though. I'm glad to be where I am, and even happier to be going where I'm going. One of the questions I have had to attempt to answer this week asked in part "What are your expectations of your ministry?" My honest answer is, I don't know. I am happy to be going down this road to seminary and a life of ministry, but I don't know how this journey will end, and what it will look like in the end. My honest expectation and my greatest hope is that I will be changed greatly over the next three years; that I will see my beliefs challenged, my faith deepened, my views changed, and my life transformed. I went and saw Narnia at the midnight show tonight (Friday night) (had to see it on opening day, I mean come on!). I think a lot of people would like to relate to Peter in the movie. He was the leader, dubbed Peter the Magnificent at the end. I think I relate much better to Edmund in the movie though. He in the beginning betrayed Aslan, just as I have betrayed God many times in my life. Aslan sacrificed himself to save Edmund though (sound familiar?), and by the end of the movie the character who experiences probably the greatest change is Edmund. He is dubbed Edmund the Just. That is what I would like to see in my ministry to the world. I want to be changed like Edmund was. I want it to be said that I was somebody who can look at my past and relate to others; that I was fair in my judgments and that I was wise in my counsel. I don't need to be the person that gets the headlines, but the person who in the end connects with people in a just and honest way.

"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:2.

"What do you believe?"

I'm in the process of trying to be accepted as an inquirer in the Presbyterian Church. To go through this process I've got some paperwork that I need to fill out, and there are nine questions that I've been giving a lot of thought to lately. One in particular is getting most of my attention.
"Write a brief statement of your personal faith describing what you believe about God, Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit and your relationship to them."
For one, how do you make that brief? I have always known what I believe, but I think I could write books on my relationship with Christ. It's probably a sad state of affairs when somebody who wants to be a pastor is struggling with that simple question, but that really is the one question that says it all. I've been looking a lot today at the Apostles Creed. It's amazing how elequently those few lines say soo much, and really it's a great building block to expand on for my beliefs and my own statement. I don't know, I will probably almost need to cite that document with my own writings, but really then I would need to cite the Bible as well. Sorry random thoughts.
Well anyway that is where the God moment comes in today. I went and saw a friend tonight, and as I was warming up my car to come home, his younger sister got into a discussion with him and me. She considers herself agnostic when it comes to religion, but she asked me what I believed about Christ. She said she was told in church that she was going to hell, and was very turned off by the exclusion she felt she experienced. "Write a brief statement of your personal faith describing what you believe about God, Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit and your relationship to them." I think I could have been much more elequent in what I was saying, but the same thoughts that I've been wrestling with were coming out of my mouth, and I think that maybe I was connecting with her a little bit. Then her cell phone rang, it was her boyfriend in Cali on the other line, so we ended abruptly. Hey it's a start, and I know we will talk more. It's amazing how God works sometimes.

Saying Goodbye

So today it became real. It is weird to know that I won't be getting up tomorrow, and leaving to go be with the people I have spend the most amount of time with over the past year and a half. That I won't sit down at the same desk I have sat at for sooo many hours. In a few weeks, maybe even sooner, somebody else will be sitting at the same place, somebody else will be talking with the same people, and life will go on.
Saying goodbye is both the greatest thing in the world, and the toughest thing. It is great to have people search you out, and tell you how much they will miss you, and how much they think of you. Let's face it, everybody on earth loves to know that they are loved and appriciated. The hard part though is having people say "Keep in Touch" and knowing that the way things probably will work out is neither side will probably do that. People don't want to admit that good things, and nice friendships do often times come to an end. That's the hard part of life. I guess in the end, a friend of mine said it best when he said, and I paraphrase, "For Everybody who will be saddened to see you go, Somebody else will be blessed to see you coming"... Have I said how tough it will be to not see everybody again tomorrow???

Slowing Down Life.

I think that sometimes people in this world get rushed. People get in a bad mental attitude and stop appreciating all that is good in the world. I found that happening to me this morning coming back to work after having a great 4 day weekend for Thanksgiving. I was annoyed that I had to be there, and was wishing that I could just take vacation time for my last four days on the job. I decided to leave the building, my calls, my computer, and all my stress to go to lunch. I grabbed some fast food and went to one of my favorite spots to take a lunch alone, Lake Loveland. I parked my car facing the lake and watched the normally very placid water, in an obnoxiously rough state with the wind blowing fiercely along the surface. You could see the white caps of the waves (very tiny for those of you who live near an ocean, but huge for this lake), rolling toward me and the rocks that line the south side of the lake. The waves would crash up against the rocks and the wind would take the resulting explosion of water and blow it into the car windshield. I took a few minutes to enjoy imagining being on the coast with a storm blowing in. Though I have never lived by the ocean, I have loved the time I have spent in place like Monterey, CA and Cape Cod, and it’s fun to pretend I’m back there. I then started to pay even more attention to what I was seeing and saw a rainbow shining through the water as it exploded against the rocks. I looked across the lake and saw all the houses and trees lining the opposite bank, as well as Loveland High School. I let memories of that building set in a little bit. Behind this scene I saw my beautiful Rocky Mountains that I love soooo much, looming under the clear blue cloudless sky. There was a statue that I love next to my car of 4 kids trying to balance on a toppled log; a picture of everybody's childhood set in bronze for eternity. On the other side of me was a white City of Loveland pickup truck with the driver sleeping in the cab; I'm sure catching a quick nap on his lunch break. The path that runs along the lake was decorated for Christmas already, with each of the light poles dotting the sidewalk dressed up in green, red, and gold candle disguises. It felt sooo good to be able to slow down, and contemplate Gods calling in my life. It was perfect to be able to look past all the negatives that often dot the landscape, like the cold windy weather, and the uncertain direction of life; and to see the beauty that IS life and Gods creation. To just sit there for what felt like 10 minutes (but was really an hour), and be at peace before entering back into the world.

In the Beginning

So I just turned 30 about a month ago, and in the time since that has happened I have gone from plans of buying a house and settling down in Loveland, to a decision to move out of state and attend seminary with the goal of achieving a Masters of Divinity.
I have gone from having a great job with a good company, and making more money then I have ever made in my life, to looking at how to apply for unemployment, and worries on how much money I can scrape up in financial aid.
I recently attended a workshop on change, and the message was that change wasn’t the end of something; it was really the beginning of something else. So here I am “In the Beginning” and at the advice of somebody I trust, I have decided to start a journal of my thoughts and feelings as I try to discern what God is calling me to do, and what direction he would lead me in. Rather then hide these written entries in a book on my desk, I open my thoughts to you, so that you can feel free to comment, encourage, challenge, and inspire me, and that maybe I can do the same for you.