No turning back

Well, I am past the point of no return. I have bulletins going in the church programs on Sunday at both services, and have put up 15 posters throughout the church advertising the new singles ministry. I'm scheduled to make an announcement in both services as well. I've set it up to have a "casting the vision" meeting on Monday Feb 13th. I was amazingly simple to get the meeting set up, but now I actually have to do some real planning. Fear is a great motivator. I think my biggest fear is that come the 13th, it's me sitting all alone in a room.

Friday is my meeting with the Presbytery Committee on Preparation for Ministry. I really don't know what to expect, but I've been told they will probably ask about things such as why I feel called and how do I hope to pay for school. I'm not afraid of the process, but I can't shake images of the Alito Supreme Court Hearings out of my head.

Well, I have some more work to do, but if you have a few minutes, keep me in your prayers for both these events.

Like finding a needle in a haystack

"You would lose your head if it wasn't attached to your body." Ok, so who hasn't heard this all time great cliché? Sometimes I think that they were talking about me when this was first said. I have a habit of leaving things behind places. I'll go out to my car to drive someplace, and realize my keys are still inside. I'll start driving away from home, and realize I forgot something and have to turn around. I once left my day planner at a friend’s house for a month (and people wonder why I'm not organized). Yesterday (ok Saturday night), I had a fun adventure because of this tendency. I went out with some friends for pizza, and then we were going to go to their house for poker (yes, I won). I planned this out in advance and made absolute sure I had my insulin with me for this purpose. We get to Pizza Hut, which I may mention is 30 minutes from my house, and eat a fun meal. After we eat we are going to my friends who live another 15 minutes in the opposite direction from my house. I go to give myself a shot of insulin, and realize that I do indeed have the insulin, but I don't seem to have a needle to inject said medication. Needless to say, I didn't want to go all the way home (30 min) and then to my friends (45 min), so I decide to go to the pharmacy across the street. It's closed at 7:30 on Sat night. Try another one in town, yep it was closed. Ok, off to Walgreen’s, they are normally open 24/7. I found the one Walgreen’s in town that wasn't. So finally I get to the 4th pharmacy in town and find that it's open. I have determined that I now know the hours of every pharmacy in the northeast part of Fort Collins, all to save about 10 minutes by the time all was said and done. Ahhhh my life.
I now have a job. Ok, so it's not a real job, but I'm going to be doing doggy day care for about an hour a day twice a week for a friend. She has four Swiss Mountain Dogs and wants to have somebody play with them a couple times a week around lunch. I feel bad taking her money for something I would normally do for free for a friend, but hey, I can use it right now. You can check out her webpage at www.gotswiss.net.
Still coughing......wondering how long this is going to last.

Just another day

Sometimes I think I have procrastination down to an art. I have always been very good at putting things off, but then still coming out smelling like roses. I just have this deep fear that someday it's going to catch up with me. Oh well, everyday is a new day.

I had a fun time tonight. I went out to a minor league hockey with some friends from Group where I used to work. There was I think 25 total people there, but that included family and such. It's a lot of fun to get together with that old crowd. I sometimes didn't like the job, but I'll still say it had the best people in the world to work with. Anyway we won tonight, and it was a pretty good game. I spoke with some other friends who attended the Nuggets game in Denver tonight. They didn't fare as well. I got an e-mail today that said there is a new international symbol for chocking. When you scroll down the page it shows the Broncos logo. I'm so bummed right now for that. Oh well.

Tomorrow I go out with yet another group of friends to play poker. We get together about once a month to play and always have a good time. Sometimes I don't think they know what to do with me and poker. I play very aggressively one hand, and don't even look at my cards the next. It makes it easy to do that when you’re only playing for chips.

Well nothing really new and exciting in my life, and no real deep thoughts tonight, but I just figured I would update here so you don't think I'm dead like my friend Angie thought. (She was leaving messages on my phone joking about that since she thought it was rude I didn't call her back for a couple of days.) Oops.

Coughs, cold feet, deadlines and dads

For everything they have created in my lifetime, and the impact the whole information age has had on humanity, one discovery would trump everything ever created. That one great find...

The cure for the common cold.

Ok, so I'm just whining because I have been suffering for the past few days, but I have this cough that is going to drive me insane. I'm diabetic, and I don't mind taking the shots daily, but I do mind waking up at night every hour to hack away. Oh well, I know I'm not alone in this, so I guess I need to stop whining.

In other news of the week or so, I am closer to getting a planning meeting going on my singles group, but not a lot closer. I have decided that calling people who I don't know, to ask, "So I hear you’re single" may not be the best thing. I have already spoke to the mother of a person who I think may be great for this group, and found out that he technically is still married, but separated. I still plan on inviting him because he needs to find a new connection to the church, but I'm glad I was speaking with his mother instead of him directly. Instead I'm going to go the wimpy route by putting a notice in the bulletin, and getting up in front of the congregation to invite people to come, or contact me. I feel I may be wimping out, but we will see how it goes.

I have my seminary application mailed in for Austin, but I still have to complete a couple of essays for it. I'm also only one essay short of my application for Denver, and I can do that online. I set a deadline to get it all done by the end of the month and I'm close. I'm one paragraph short of the autobiography for Austin being done, but I keep changing my mind about the topic for their analytical essay. I'm leaning right now toward addressing Christ’s message that unless you become like children, you will never get into the kingdom of heaven. A friend of mine gave me this idea the other day when I was telling him of the problem today of speaking of God as "Father". Society today see many absentee fathers in child support, they see news of men beating their wives. I have spoken with youth who see their dad buried in work, and not having any time for them. With so many strained "Father/Child" relationships, sometimes this is a difficult connection for youth to make. My friend brought up the point that we don't need to see God in a light of our relationship with dads now, but instead the relationship we had with our dad's when we were 2 and 3 years old. Kids that age tend to adore their dad's as the person who can fix anything, and is the strongest person in the world. That is how we need to look upon God. It was a good lesson for me to remember.

Mark 10: 14-15 - "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn't receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it."

Twenty Years...

When I first started telling people that I was looking to attending seminary, I had a lot of people give me encouragement. They told me how great I would do and how excited they were for me, but one response caught me a little bit off guard. "That's great, now maybe you'll meet a nice girl to marry!" I laughed at the statement and let her know that wasn't the reason I was going to seminary, but she came back with "Well do you want to get married someday?" When I said yes, if I ever met the right person, her response was “See, there you go."

To be truthful, I have thought quite a bit about meeting somebody in school because come on, what better place is there to meet a "Good Christian Girl," then seminary. I would love to meet somebody there, but I'm not going to make the mistakes I have in the past. If I meet somebody great, if I don't, I'm not going to be disappointed.

It took me a long time to come to grips with my divorce. Surprisingly, the pain of the lost relationship wasn't the most difficult thing for me to get over. For the longest time I felt this stigma hanging over me that screamed divorcee. I struggled with going to church because everybody had seen me when I was married, and now I was showing up single. I wrestled with feelings of a call to ministry, because I was skeptical of a church accepting a pastor who was divorced. You sometimes see forms and documents that ask your marriage status, and they list single and divorced both as options. I used to always want to put down single, because I was ashamed of that stigma. I have never regretted the divorce itself, but the consequences of it were hard for me to come to grips with. I'm happy now, and I have never been in a better place in my life. I no longer carry that stigma with me, and I'm not afraid of what other people think of me.

I attended a worship service tonight at a different church then I normally attend. Crossroads is one of the larger churches in the area, and it offers a much more seeker oriented model to worship. I'm not normally a fan of this approach, but I think a lot of mainline denominational churches could learn a little from it. They are currently doing a marriage series as the message entitled "Desperate Households." The message was what I normally expect from a seeker model; a little light on the bible and very heavy on the practical advice. The message was good, but it didn't light a fire under me. What did leave an impression was the end when the pastor asked anybody in attendance who had been married to the same person for 20 years to join him on the stage. This is a large church with a pretty massive stage, and it was full to capacity. I'm not sure they could have fit any more people up there. The pastor prayed for all these people’s marriages, that they would continue to grow and prosper, and then he prayed for everybody else in the congregation. The neat thing for me was to look up at the stage and see four people whom I would call friends. I didn't know most of them even attended Crossroads, but it was a neat legacy presented by everybody on stage. It’s refreshing to be able to look at the positive aspects of marriage and the joy it can bring, instead of the struggles and failures. I think in my life I could have burned on marriage pretty easily, but instead I look at it with great awe and appreciation. It's something to look forward to with hope someday.

Music

I love music! I know everybody says that, but I'm going to say it too, I absolutely love music! I love the beat that can get you to want to tap your toe or even better get out of your seat and dance. I love that it can evoke memories of a different time, and that it has the power to excite your, or relax you. Different music appeals to me at different times. Sometimes I like a real punk or hard rock sound with a lot of angst. Sometimes I like something a little more mellow and personal. I like listening to a symphony sometimes, and others a little jazz club is the place to be. The reason I like music more then anything though is that it tells a story. When people write a song, often they are telling their own story, but the magic of music is that when we listen to it, our own story often comes out. The same song can have completely different meanings to people listening to it. That's probably one of the reasons I like musicals so much. I love to actually see a story told through music. I love how a song can communicate all the feelings that you imagine the characters to be having. That story is also why I have come to love today’s praise music. I can't think of many times when I can feel closer to God then when I can sing to him, because I can close my eyes and the song tells my story, and only mine, when I sing it. That same song tells a different story for somebody else, but it's their own as well. "This is the air I breathe; you're very presence living in me". I love music!

A friend once asked me, and this is one of the few questions that ever really caught me off guard, but she asked....."If your life was a musical, what songs would play in yours?"

Routines

I am going to try and do better. I am going to make an effort again, for the millionth time and maybe this time I will be able to follow through. I don't know why I struggle so much at this, when it comes to others so easily. I hate routines. I want to be able to do something different each day, and I want to be able to be spontaneous with my time. I don't want to feel like I can't do something on a whim because it doesn’t fit into a block on my calendar. I hate lists, and unlike a lot of people I don't get a sense of joy by crossing items off a list at the end of the day. I use my memory more often then I use my planner, and many times appointments never even make it to my planning pages. Organization doesn't come easy to me, and it's something I struggle with all the time.
For many reasons I would love to be more organized and think it would be positive for me to follow at least a basic routine in my life. Instead of eating when I think I’m hungry, or when I have a few minutes, it would be much healthier for me to eat my three square meals a day. It's really not good that I skip breakfast completely most days because I sleep in and am running late. It's probably not real healthy that I always seem to get hungry at two in the morning, so I run to 7-11 to grab some grub. I would probably get more accomplished if I did list out everything I needed to accomplish in a day, and did it. Right now I do things as they come to me and I forget to do small things like pay my phone bill sometimes. I might exercise more, if I had a set time everyday to get out, instead of only doing it when the thought strikes me.
I have some friends who are just the opposite of me. I drive them crazy when we have a task to do, regardless of how unimportant it might be, and I change the plan at the last minute. They want to shoot me when I plan something, and the plan doesn't come together until two minutes before we leave. They drive me nuts sometimes when they refuse to deviate from their routine.
God gives us all gifts, and organization and routine are not mine, but I'm hopeful that I can learn to embrace something that will probably always be a challenge for me. I am going to try and get to be at a more normal 11:00 or midnight from now on, and I will get up by 9:00 each morning instead of noon. I will eat breakfast each morning, and I will take by blood sugar before every meal like I'm suppose to. I will have a list of tasks to accomplish each day, and will diligently work that list. I am convinced I can do all of this while still embracing diversity and spontaneity in my day. I have made this pledge before, many times, but something worth doing is worth pledging to again. One of my favorite sayings is that there is no growth if you don't leave your comfort zone, and this is never comfortable for me, so hopefully I will grow a little bit by doing this. Anyway, any prayers on my behalf over the next week are always appreciated.

Progress

One of my favorite songs has the lyrics "2 a.m. and I'm still awake writing a song...." I may not be writing a song, but its 2 a.m. and I'm still awake writing. Isn't there a saying about life imitating art, or is it the other way around? Anyway....

So let's see, the last 48 hours. I have mailed one seminary application to Regent College. I am thirty years old, and that was the first time I have ever mailed anything out of the country. Let's hear it for baby steps huh. I have also finished the six page essay for my second seminary application, this one to Dubuque, and have had it proof read by my own personal editor. I make the corrections in the morning and that one will be on its way. Two of the 3 people writing recommendations for me have their referral sheets, and I meet with the last one tomorrow for lunch. I met with Jim the associate pastor (or sociopastor) of my church today to talk more about the singles ministry, and we will meet again Monday. Last, but certainly not least, I got word today that I am scheduled to appear before the Committee on Preparation for Ministry, February third, to hopefully be enrolled as an Inquirer. This news has me a little nervous. I was just looking at this as another hoop I needed to jump through, but they have me down for 45 minutes on the agenda. Yikes......

Well progress is progress, and while I still feel that I am way behind, it's good to know that I'm at least getting something done.

When God closes a door, he opens a window

Maybe I like Clichés too much, but this seems to be the case today for me. Back in September I left the church I'm currently attending (Mtn. View Pres Ch) to find a place that would meet some of the needs I felt weren't being met in my life at Mountain View. I wanted to find a singles group that I could plug into, and there was nothing like that offered where I attend. I love Mtn. View, but it seems there are a lot of younger 30 something families, but nobody in my situation (single, no kids). Well I was all set to attend a church in Fort Collins with an active and large singles program, but things don't always happen the way we plan. When I lost my job and decided to apply for seminary, I decided that the best place for me was back at Mountain View. I'm now back to attending service there, and plugged into the youth program again, end of story right. Well today I was approached by the associate pastor of the church and asked how I would feel about starting up a singles program at the church. Apparently I'm not the only person who was feeling the same way. I don't know exactly how this is all going to shape out in the end, but I'm meeting with him later this week to discuss my first steps in getting this ministry started. I am really excited at the prospect of putting this together because it’s something I've wanted in my life, and I hope that it is something that can be kept alive after I leave. I'll keep you all updated on this new project of mine, but in the meantime keep me and this ministry in your prayers.

Sports, dogs, and a rant on this weeks news.

I love sports. They are fun to watch, the excitement of a close game can be exhilarating, and who doesn't love a little competition. So why does it seem that my teams will always find a way to, in the end, crush my spirit. It was a great game tonight; the Nuggets and the Mavs. We tied it on a last second prayer of a three point shot to take the game to overtime, only to finally lose the game in the second overtime period. Oh well, you win some, you lose some. I'm still holding out hope for my Broncos in the playoffs.

I got some bad news while I was at the game tonight. My friend Angie has to put down her dog Buster tomorrow due to kidney failure. In all fairness, I really haven’t ever been all that fond of her dog, even though I'm a big dog person. Pets really are an important part of our families though, and to lose one is really painful. I hate to think how hard it would be on me if I had to do the same to my dog Sassy. If anybody really does read this, keep Angie in your prayers for the next few days.

You may have been able to tell from past posts of mine, that I have a passion for my generation’s apparent apathy toward organized religion. It kills me to see people profess a faith in Christ, but to plant no roots in that faith. Two news stories this week have shown some prominence in my mind as I think they show both, why church is important, and why so many are abandoning the church (“organized religion”).
The first story I have been following, along with the rest of the country, is that of the trapped miners in West Virginia. I’m sure all of you know of the story already, so I won’t get into details of what happened. What has caught my attention as I have thought more about the story focuses on how the families of the victims met at a church as they waited to hear word regarding their loved ones. I have seen photos of people who are weeping at their loss as they are comforted by loved ones outside this church. I have seen time and time again, when suffering strike, people going to church. I won’t argue with people who say they don’t think church is necessary for their salvation, but I will argue that church is more important then many people think. A church isn’t simply a building where people come to worship god. A church is a group of believers who band together in a community, because the group is so much stronger then the individual. A church helps to not only plant individual’s roots in faith, but to nurture them and grow them. Without the support of a Christian body to help in times of extreme pain and turmoil, these roots of faith can be uprooted very easily; I have seen it happen in my life. I have no doubt that the church will continue to be present with those families in West Virginia, and will be a support mechanism for them.
This firm belief of mine makes me even more upset then at the next story I have pondered this week. Most of you are probably aware of the massive stroke suffered by Israel’s Prime Minister this week. The day following the stroke on his national TV show, Pat Robertson came out and said the stroke was punishment from God for Sharon’s stance in Israel’s pullout from sections of Gaza and the West Bank. Regardless of whether you agree with what Robertson said, I don’t, it kills me to see somebody with as much influence as Roberson make such insensitive comments, at such an inappropriate time, to make a political point. This isn’t a new phenomenon for Robertson, or Jessie Jackson, or Jerry Falwell, or the loads of other religious leaders in this country who seem to care more about politics and rules these days, then in helping somebody learn what a relationship with Christ really looks like. Many people I know avoid church because they feel they will be judged by the people who attend, and seeing statements such as those made by Pat Robertson only feed their fear and give them ammunition in their boycotting of religion as a whole.

Reflections of 2005

Well 2005 is in the books, and I find myself looking back at what was my past year. I love to sneak away during the last 30 minutes or so of the year and spend some time thanking God for what he has brought into my life during the last 365 days.
It really has been a great year for me, but nothing like I expected it to be. At the start of 2005 I figured that it would be a year of saving for me. I would be paying off debt and saving up to buy a home in 2006. I was looking forward to laying down roots in the Loveland area, as I had a great job with huge earning potential. I was dating a special girl at the start of 2005 and was curious as to where that relationship was going to go. I was back to working with youth, and excited at the direction the group was going. Nothing happened as I figured it would. In the case of my job, I did make more money this year then I ever have in the past. I was able to pay off most all of my debt, including my car. I also have saved more money then I anticipated being able to at this point. Then I watched as I lost my job, and with it the dreams of buying my house and setting up roots. That special girl I talked about is still very special as she is now one of the best friends I have ever had on this earth. She is very happily in love with another guy right now, and I'm excited at her relationship with him. If we kept dating we would probably not even be speaking anymore. Some people you just can't date. The excitement for the youth group also didn't pan out the way I thought it would. In this case, the group of young adults (you can't call them kids) exceeded every expectation I had of them. I don't think I will ever forget two events of 2005 regarding these extraordinary people. The first was a worship service led by the youth. It gave me goose bumps to see the energy and passion their praise band brought to worship at Mountain View. I was still hearing compliments directed toward them months later from members of the congregation. The second event I will never forget was the retreat I just came back from. It amazes me how much our youth is exposed to in this day and age. The world is asking more and more from our youth, and they are being forced to grow up way too early these days. It was a moving experience for me to watch many of them share their testimonies. The demons that they face are very real and very scary sometimes. It is an incredible honor for me that they trust me enough, as well as trusting the rest of the group, to share what they do. The highlight of the trip for me was sharing my testimony with them, and revealing to them a little bit of where I come from. Most of them knew that I was married in the past, but really didn't know much more of the story then that. Upon hearing my seminary plans (of which I have been procrastinating too long), the youth director Michael asked if they would like to lay hands on me and pray for my journey. It was a moving experience.
I saw a lot of my friends welcome new kids into the world this year. Some of these friends include Michael and Dana, David and Mikeesha, and I found out this afternoon that one of my oldest and best friends James and his wife Alice gave birth to a son late on the 30th. I also have some great friends who are expecting to be parents early next year. Unfortunately I had to say goodbye to some special people this year as well. The weekend of Memorial Day one of the most unique people I have ever had the privilege of knowing passed away from an aneurism at age 26 or 27. I still think of Becca often. A few weeks later I also lost my step grandfather Ken due to stroke and old age.
I have watched all these events shape my life over the past year, but the event that will truly define my 2005 is my decision to recognize a call Christ has placed on my life to pursue ministry as a vocation. This change in direction for me at the end of 2005 is probably the biggest risk I have ever taken. I can honestly say thought that I am even more excited and enthused with the potential 2006 brings for me. I'm sure that my expectations now will be changed as the year progresses, and that the end of this year will see many more surprises for me. For those of you my readers, I look forward to continuing sharing my life with you in the New Year. Blessings to you all in 2006!!!


"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming... 'Wow!What a ride!'"
- Unknown to me.