Stormtroopers in high heels.

One of the things I think I will miss the most when I move will be my Tuesday nights. I have a great group of four friends who I have been close with since the summer following my high school graduation. We all knew each other during high school, but the bond between us was cemented by who knows what that summer. During the early years of our friendship we saw each other nearly everyday. The five of us have seen other friends come and go from the group over the years, and have formed great friendships outside of the group as well, but the original quintet has always remained very close. We all have different jobs now, some are married with kids, and one now lives a good hour’s drive away. The four of us still in town along with one's wife and little guy have a standing appointment each Tuesday night though at a local coffee shop. We realize that we are getting older and have more responsibilities and less time to devote to just goofing off with the friends, but we wanted to make sure we still made time for each other. It's great to be able to just sit around, talk about what is going on in our lives, in the world, in sports, in general. We laugh a lot and pick on each other ruthlessly. The girls who work at the shop know us by name and join in from time to time. It's a Cheer's like atmosphere except it's a coffee shop, not a bar. Today was great fun. I had not done a Mad Libs in years and years, but some books were brought tonight. We just went around the circle giving out nouns, verbs, adjectives, colors, numbers and the like all night. We included the barista's, other customers coming into the store, and my mother in Arizona over the telephone when she unwittingly called during a game. I think the image I will keep with me from tonight is the picture in my mind of Stormtroopers in high heels. Gotta love them Mad Libs.

Sassy

It's been a bit of a depressing day today. Reality set in that I'm going to have to give my dog Sassy away next week. I know that I can’t keep her once I become homeless at the end of the month, nor when I move to Iowa in August. I also realize that I am probably not the greatest dog owner at the moment anyway due to a single lifestyle that keeps me away from home most of the day. In a time of my life though, when I most needed a friend most and was separated by 1300 miles from those I was closest to, Sassy was there for me. She was the one that would crawl up into bed with me, and give me kisses in the face to say "I love you". I know that she is going to a better home, but I'm going to miss her more then words can express.
I also found out today that I will not be able to preach during worship service before I move away. I spoke with the pastor of the church today to try and find a time it would work, but there were only two Sundays available. One of them I will be gone with the youth mission trip and the second week falls after I leave for seminary. I really thought about delaying my departure and preaching that week, but that would only give me three days to drive from Colorado to Iowa, and move into my new place before school starts. I would rather have some more time to get situated and find a job before I have to hit the books.
I do know what I wanted to speak about. I wanted to thank Mountain View for everything they have done to help raise and support me during my life. When kids are baptized at the church, the pastor asks a set of questions not only to those being baptized (or their parents), but also to the congregation. In a nutshell the congregation is asked if they will help support and provide for the Christian nurture of the child. While I wasn’t technically baptized at Mountain View, the church fulfilled the promises they make to others with me as well. I wanted to remind the congregation that we as a church are called the body of Christ, with each person fulfilling a need based on our abilities. Without the teachers of my VBS and Sunday School classes when I was young; without the leaders and volunteers of my youth groups; without the people giving donations, organizing events, sending kids to youth group, and just plain greeting me in the halls making me feel welcome, I would not be who am I today getting ready to help fulfill my part in his body by becoming a pastor. I wanted to give everybody encouragement to keep what they are doing in the church. I wanted to remind everybody of the importance of continued involvement in the church. The darkest time of my life is was I was separated from a church “body”. I was lucky and had my Sassy to help me out. My generation has seen a large number of people decide that their faith does not need to include belonging to a church. I wanted to ask though, what happens to a strong part of the body (a strong faith) when separated from the rest of the body. Christ is present in his church and in Mountain View and I thank him and the members of that congregation for helping to make me who I am today.

Busy week for me and the church

It's amazing how quickly a schedule can be filled up when you’re not paying a lot of attention. I helped a friend install his new garage door opener Monday and Today (after realizing that we didn't have everything we needed 2 hours in on Monday). Next week I have free tickets to the Greeley Stampede Rodeo, and my Mom comes into town for the weekend. I get to do a video shoot with a friend to help with a church program he is starting on Saturday the first and on the 3rd some friends and I are celebrating my seminary acceptance with a trip to Dave and Busters. From July 7th to the 17th I will be on a mission trip to Port Arthur, Texas with the senior high youth program for hurricane relief. It should be a great experience. Attending a lobster bake on the 21st and a party on the 29th caps off the month nicely for me. August should be pretty busy too, with me moving to Iowa (yes I know it stands for idiots out wandering around, but my favorite shirt does explain that not all who wander are lost) around the 24th of the month.

I am a little frustrated with the blog right now as it is not letting me upload photos, but hopefully we will get that fixed soon, but for now, text is cool. Part of me is toying with the idea of moving this to a different site down the road that will give me some more creative control, but for now, I'm still happy.

Well, it's been quite a week for the Presbyterian Church (USA), the denomination I belong to for the most part love. Everybody knew going in that it would be a very pivotal year for the church, and regardless of the outcome of General Assembly there would be some hurt feeling in the church. While the GA started out well with the announcement of the largest award ever given to the church, the news today that the donor may be in dire straights financially fits well into the soap opera that is GA. Up to now I applaud most of the decisions the commissioners have made, but there are some moves I question. I'm not going to get into any debates today about my personal views on all the issues, but I look forward to seeing how everything plays out. I ran into a joke online today that I think sometimes fits this denomination. I changed it around a bit to fit, but I think (and worry) that sometimes it may represent the church too well.

The pastor of a Presbyterian church decided that God was calling the church to a new vision of what path it was to take, so at the next session meeting he presented the new vision with as much energy, conviction and passion as he could muster. When he had finished and sat down, the clerk called for a vote. All 12 session members voted against the new vision, with absolutely nobody voting for it. "Well, it looks like you will have to think again," said the clerk of the session. "Would you like to close the meeting in prayer?” So the pastor stood up, raised his hands to heaven, and prayed, "LORD, will you not show these people that this is not MY vision but it is YOUR vision!" At that moment, the clouds darkened, thunder crashed, and a streak of lightning burst through the window and struck in two the table at which they were sitting, throwing the pastor and all the session members to the ground. After a moment's silence, as they all got up and dusted themselves off, the clerk spoke again. “Well, that's twelve votes to one then."

My extended family

I'm finding myself in a bit of a contemplative mood tonight which may make this entry a good or bad thing. I do appreciate having this medium to help process my thoughts tonight but I sometimes wonder if in the morning I'll look at this and think "what was I thinking?" Contemplative probably tends to be my keyword for slight feelings of depression which I know everybody must feel at certain times and with me typically will last an evening and be gone with the morning.I have realized over the past few weeks how much of a family I have developed here in Loveland. I don't have any real family left here in town save for my stepsister, but my extended family consisting of friends from school, work and church seems to be bigger then ever. I laugh because it's not unusual for me to go somewhere with one group of friends and run into another group while we are out. I like that I can go to the grocery store or the bank and run into people I know and can chat with.Today was a fun day; I stopped by KFC for lunch today not sure if a friend from high school I used to work with was working. She was and happened to be going on break just as I got there. She sat down with me as I had my lunch and we chatted for about 15 minutes. I promised that I would help her husband, another good friend of mine, install a garage door opener at their house. Not thirty seconds after she had to go back to work a couple friends of mine from church walked into the restaurant to have lunch. They sat down with me and we had a great time for the remainder of my lunch. (They also reminded me I was getting older as one was a jr. high school youth leader when I was that age, and the other was the father of two of our current high school youth members, but that is a different story.) After work today I met two very good friends of mine from Group Publishing for a couple of drinks at a local bar. Again as I sat there with them, the advertising director from the paper I currently work at walked in with his family for dinner. I have always said that I will judge the success of my life by the people whose lives I can touch while I walk this planet. I'm not somebody who cares a great deal for material wealth or status (that's not to say I don't appreciate some comforts though), but it is encouraging to realize that I know so many people, and I can count most of them friends. I took this photo last summer at a baseball game with some of the best friends I have ever had. We were celebrating the fact that one of my friends had recently graduated law school and we wanted to show him a good time. We sat in the cheapest seats in the stadium, but had a blast. These are the memories that I know I will carry with me through this life, and that's what makes me a little sad tonight. I look forward to moving to Iowa with an excitement I have not felt in a long time. I know it is what I'm being called to do, and I look forward greatly to the new experiences. I am burned out with a lot of my life here in Colorado and ready for new challenges. I do feel a twinge of pain though whenever I realize that I do this leaving a lot of people I care about deeply behind. It’s tough telling the members of the youth group that I won't be able to hang out with them at overnighters in the fall or realizing that on Monday night next year I won't be able to watch the games with my friends each week. I know that for many of these people it will never be a permanent goodbye, but I also realize for many it will be. I value my friendships deeply, and while I know I will make many more friends throughout my life, and leave many more as well, it never makes goodbye easy. I guess what I want to say tonight to everybody who reads this little piece of my life is Thank You. Thank you for being a part of my life and letting me be a piece of yours. I love you all.

My Mantra.

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

-Philippians 4:13 (NIV)

This seems to be my mantra over the past week. It seems to fit all of the situations that I find myself struggling with. The verse came to mind as I was sitting having dinner with my step dad the other day when he said something to the effect that even when we put ourselves in situations that we may not feel prepared for, we often surprise ourselves with what we can accomplish.

I think doubt is a natural thing to experience when you have decided to make major changes in your life. Growth isn't possible without leaving a comfort zone, and when we are not in that zone we creep into doubt. I received a letter today from UDTS with some paperwork for next year, but one of the first paragraphs confirms this to an even greater degree. "Perhaps you need to be reminded that you've made the right decision; perhaps you need to be reminded that God is leading you on this journey. If there are any doubts rumbling around in your mind, take a deep breath and follow God's lead!" I have never questioned that I am doing the right thing, but I think my doubt comes into play when I wonder how successful I will be in school. I have always considered myself to be smart, but I seem to always be surrounded by people who I consider to be bright, intelligent and articulate. I shouldn't let it, but my competitive nature seems to come out of me at these points. I try and measure myself up to these people and in my mind, and I don't always measure up. I wonder if I will be able to handle the pressures of having somebody come to me with life and death issues, and if I can be accountable to give them good solid biblical advice someday. I read the blog of somebody just starting as an intern chaplain at a hospital this week. Sometimes you see the confidence on the outside of somebody and think "Man they never have doubts," but he shared a prayer on the page asking for God's help in leading him, and erasing his doubts. In the end I don't think that I will be the top student in my class, but I do know that I can do anything with Christ on my side.

Work is getting progressively harder for me every week as well. I enjoy my job to an extent, but knowing that I will be leaving in a few short weeks leaves me little motivation to work extra hard. I also have come to realize over the past few weeks that I have finally burned out completely on sales. Last week we brought in a sales trainer from the corporate office and I heard for the umpteenth time a sales training presentation that preaches how to go work with your customer, determine their needs and then sell them for as much money as possible. I'm not saying that sales is bad, because I don't believe that, but I will say that the most successful sales people do care about money, and I have never been motivated to that end. Again, I do know though that God will give me the strength to make it through these last weeks of this job, and give me the patience as I wait to start my new life.

One month from today I will be in Port Arthur, Texas on a youth mission trip. The topic of our trip this year will focus on the fruit of the spirit. I'm not responsible for the daily lessons of the trip, but I have volunteered to lead a daily life application portion to each lesson, and to lead some small group sessions during our lunches to discuss this life application. I also have asked to oversee and end of the trip affirmation project. All of these are important to me, and I know I will do a good job, but again it goes back to my mantra this week. I will do well, because I know God is with me and will help me.

It should be a fun week.

Self Portrait

A few years back I started to take a photography class at a local community college (I say started because I never finished). The first assignment given us was to go out and take a self portrait of ourselves. We could do it any way we wanted; as long as the subject was us, and we were also the one's taking the photo. I remember having a lot of fun with that assignment as I went from just holding the camera up to a mirror, to more creative ways to photograph myself. I took photos of my shadow on a sunny day. I took photo's of photos (didn't turn out so well). In the end I had fun with the timer on my camera and submitted photos taken from the hood of my car with me behind the steering wheel, and of me outside behind a decorative window. Looking back the point of the assignment was to teach us how to be creative as we view the world through the window of the lens. I enjoyed the lesson also though because it gave me a glimpse as to how others viewed themselves as well. I don't remember all the photos taken, but I remember the feeling of being able to take a look inside the other members of the class as they shared their projects. A few months back I was struggling to decide where I was being called to as far as seminary was concerned. I went for a walk along Lake Loveland in the middle of town, and called my friend Mel in California knowing she would give me some good direction (prayers for her health right now are appreciated). As I was speaking with her and lying among some rocks, I took what may be my favorite self portrait, I've ever taken. Going with my comments that it's a look into how people views themselves; I think this is a great representation of how I view myself, and how I hope I'm remembered by others; Laid back, with feet that walk for the Lord, and an unlimited horizon.

Life without a helmet

Well, I'm back to snapping photos from my car I guess. I took this photo while driving home from work yesterday. Other then showing the great drive I take to work everyday, I had to snap the photo because of the great irony in it. This guy is driving his motorcycle at 60 mph, hair flapping in the breeze, with his helmet stowed securely on the back of his seat. My thoughts at the time were that this guy isn't the brightest person in the world; that was until I looked down. I realized that I was just like the guy in front of me, I have a seat belt in my car, but it was hanging loosely at my left. I don't know why I don't always wear my seatbelt. I have great respect for the fact that seatbelts (and helmets) save many lives every year, but for some reason or another I either get lazy when I get in the car, or I forget.
I think that I often treat God the same way. I know that he protects me and is there to help keep me safe, but I forget about him. Just like wearing my seatbelt, by studying the bible and spending time in prayer I am helping to protect myself if my life ever starts to spin out of control.
Many people survive car accidents even without wearing seatbelts, and I will probably do fine if I hit a crisis in my life regardless of how much I devote myself to Christ. My chances are much better though in either case if I do spend the time to prepare, and why wouldn't I do something that really takes minimal time and energy to do. I forget to fasten my seatbelt and I forget to pray. This guy got lazy and didn't put on his helmet, while I get lazy and don't spend time reading my bible regularly. Sometimes I think I have a long way to go.

God Resolves

As a Christian, I sometimes feel that we are under attack in American society today. It's not unusual to turn on the news and find another court battle taking place over prayer in school, the Ten Commandments being displayed on government property, or even the use of the word Christmas in a holiday parade or display. I have had great debates with a friend over the years regarding the separation of church and state, and he has convinced me to a degree of the importance of that separation, but that belief only goes so far. I'm not a lawyer, and I won't pretend to be, but I do remember a high school civics class talking about the letter of the law, and the spirit of the law. The letter of the law probably does a good job making the separation permanent, but I think this has been a steady progression away from the spirit of the law. My understanding is that separation of church and state was instituted in an attempt to keep the government from regulating religion in this country, and being able to punish those who did not believe the governmental views. I have struggled with, and continue to struggle with how keeping a football team from praying before a game, when they have done so for decades before, is protecting an individual or community from the government. I believe in the value of tradition in a community, and for many, prayer at a football game or a Christmas display is part of their communities’ culture and tradition. What I don't know is how to fight to keep the courts from stripping these traditional values from our communities.

Last week a similar story popped up in the news as a judge blocked a graduation prayer at a Kentucky high school. What caught my attention in this story is not the fact that it happened, but how the students of the school choose to deal with it. As the principal of the school rose to give his opening remarks, about 200 students (almost all of the graduating seniors) rose and began reciting the Lords Prayer to "thunderous applause and a standing ovation from the crowd." The students of the school didn't boycott graduation, or take the case back to court. They simply stood up for their freedom of expression and stood up as a class against the court ruling. As usual, I learn a lot from the youth of this nation. Probably the answer to the steady beat down of Christian expression in communities is people taking action on their own to express their faith. There is power in numbers and all it takes is somebody willing to stand up for what they believe for others to follow. In my opinion, the students of Russell County High School handled the situation amazingly well, and in the end, the prayer meant so much more then it would have before.

I wish I had the answers and solutions to more of the issues facing Christians today, but sometimes I don't even know if I am asking the right questions. I have just recently finished reading Blue Like Jazz. One of the quotes has given me a lot of thought over the past few weeks. The short version of the quote, found of the back cover states

"I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve....But sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself...I used to not like God because God didn't resolve. But that was before any of this happened." - Donald Miller

I agree with this quote to an extent for two main reasons, one of which is the aforementioned fact that I sometimes wished God would give me the answers to the issues Christians face today. (The second reason is in the inference that we come to Christ most often by seeing others love him and model this love in their actions, but this is a completely different post in itself). The Bible and other resources have been given to us as a guide, but in the end we are responsible for doing the study, and work to come up with what we think the correct resolutions are to these problems/issues we face in society. In the end though, God does resolve. He resolves by his saving Grace, and Christ's death on the cross. Donald does indicate a shift in his thinking in the last sentence, but I don't know if he makes the connection that God does indeed "resolve" in the end.

Manipulated Believers?

I guess this is a follow up to my last post. It started as a response to a great comment and question posted on my iGod entry, but I went off on a bit of a rant, so I figured I would make it more visible in this forum.

I like the way you use the term manufactured describing community at many churches. I worry that many churches in order to show the effectiveness of their ministry end up, often through the use of media, manipulating people in the process. When I go to many large and mega church worship services, I see a formula to their worship. It's designed to first pump people up and get them excited using video and music. Second it gets them to look inside themselves and brings them down quickly. This rapid letdown makes people want to hear the Gospel message, and open to it to. They are looking for that quick fix to make them feel good again. Lastly, people are brought up again. They leave church feeling how broken they have been, but excited for a new relationship with Christ. They hop in their car, turn on the same old radio station. Go grab a bite to eat, feel good for the afternoon, but by tomorrow nothing has changed. They have also not been presented with the whole message. It's easy to tell people that following Christ is good and happy, but when is the message of "if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering." presented. Use of music, lights, and video has made all of this manipulation easier. The problem is the best way, and the way Jesus used to bring people to God, isn't in manipulating their emotions. He sat down with them and had a dialog with them. He modeled what it was he was teaching. He wasn't just there once a week, you could come to him when you wanted, and ask questions. Ask most strong and true Christians today what brought them into a RELATIONSHIP with God; it has everything to do with a friend or family member modeling that relationship to them. They may have become aware of God somewhere else, but you don't form a relationship overnight, it takes time and a human touch. I'm not saying it's impossible to have these relationships in a mega church, but it's so much easier and personal in a smaller church. I don't know what God's will is as far as size is concerned, and I don't think you can put a number on it. I do think that he would have his church be one where you know the people you worship with as people, not just the person you saw in the grocery line the day before.

I don't want to you think I'm trying to say all large churches are this way, but it is a pattern I have observed quite often in my life, and wonder about.

iGod?

I meant to go to bed early tonight. Hmmmmm, I seem to make that promise most nights, and yet here I am.

Working for a media company has made me pay closer attention to the power and influence media plays in our world today. I have customers heap praise on me, when a letter I forward gets them a feature article in the paper. Others get upset when their ad's run in a section that may not be read as often. I see the influence that television plays in people's lives everywhere I go. Yesterday I was eating lunch at KFC, and a group of people probably in their 40's was discussing who they thought was going to win American Idol. I have heard conversations in the past of people discussing what happened on 24, Greys Anatomy, or Desperate Housewives the evening before. Movies influence our thoughts and society's opinions on issues. Look at all the controversy Brokeback Mountain, and now The Da Vinci Code have generated. Between TV, movies, magazines, books, music, internet, newspapers, cell phones ect.... we are surrounded by media's messages almost 24/7.

Media is also permeating our churches. Most of the largest and quickest growing churches have embraced media in their worship. It's not unusual to see large TV screens at the front of the room in church today. Music is played in the styles of the hottest Christian artists and is piped through massive speakers. Video clips are played and used as teaching tools. Web pages are playing a more centralized role, as you can now skip church and download a sermon to your ipod. Many people tune to their favorite Christian TV station, and watch one of many different broadcast services. One of the changes brought to our youth program a few years back was the addition of a big screen TV, and video game system to the youth room. The fact of the matter is, we are used to seeing media and expect to see it in our daily lives. Churches that don't embrace media can be seen as out of touch with society and backwards.

I have a question, and I don't know the answer. Is this good?

I agree with the arguments on the pro side of the issue. Christ's message can't change, but the medium (root word for media) must. Churches must find a way to most effectively reach the masses with the message of God's merciful grace, and Christ's death on the Cross for our sins. We are used to getting messages from media, and the fact of the matter is, it's effective. Why shouldn't a church use a tool that will attract and energize more people for Christ.

I do have to argue for the other side as well though. A relationship with Christ is just that, a relationship. I worry that as a society we are forgetting how to form relationships with people. We communicate with friends now, by texting, and e-mail. We call them on our cell phones. We do get together, but many times it's to watch a movie or TV. We don't keep as much quiet time in our lives, devoted to simply chatting with friends, and more importantly chatting with God. My worry is that by trying to reach out to more people, faster and quicker we are forgetting Christ's method of teaching God's love. He met with people face to face, and even more importantly reached out to them and touched them. Are we forgetting this model in church today?

I don't have the answers, and as is the case with most things, the answer probably lays somewhere in the middle. Regardless I have spent a lot of time recently thinking about this and would love to hear other opinions.

Patsy

So it's another Friday for me tomorrow and another funeral. This one has been expected for a while, as Patsy has battled cancer for around six years now. Early this week her battle finally ended. I feel very fortunate that I could be a part of, even if just a small part of, her incredible life. I have always thought that people should live life to the fullest, but Patsy didn't merely live life, she radiated life. If I live to be 100, I doubt that I will ever meet somebody with such a joyous spirit as Patsy. She has truly been a role model to me on how to look at life and to see the joy and beauty of things. She has shown me to thank God for the wonder of life, and to recognize that God has beautiful things in store. Thank you Patsy, for being a part of my life, and for helping to shape who I am today. Heaven shines a lot brighter today.

The World Begins Again

Life starts to get back to normal today. The funeral service was yesterday afternoon, and it was nicely done. I gave this advice to a friend’s sister a couple of years ago when her father passed away, and it held true when I spoke with Michelle, August’s sister, yesterday. Life will never be the same again, the family is missing a huge part of themselves, but life will get back to normal. It will be a "new normal", but today it starts to get back to normal.

For me, today is back to normal. I slept in till noon today and finally woke up feeling good. I have been running on lack of sleep this last week, and my muscles were aching, and my body was very sore last night. In about 30 minutes I'm meeting a couple of friends to stretch out these muscles and play some tennis. After that, it's to another friend’s house for some braughts on the grill and poker. Tomorrow I need to get caught up on my laundry as you can no longer see the floor of my bedroom beneath all the dirty clothes on the ground. I also need to start figuring out my budget for the rest of the year and into next. In all of the events of the past week, my worries of the week before were completely forgotten, but God didn't forget about me. On Tuesday at work I checked my e-mail and saw my financial aid package came through. I received written confirmation yesterday in the mailbox. It is not quite as much money as I had hoped for, but it is enough that I'm confident I can find a way to make it work. I will need to find a job while I'm in school, but I know I can pull that off.

I downloaded some music last night from one of my favorite bands. I thought these lyrics were appropriate.

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

From Better Days, by the Goo Goo Dolls.

Acceptance

Before being married, I was engaged for a year. During some of that time, I was unsure of how well I would be accepted into her family. I was already great friends with her sister, but because of an incident that occurred between me and August, I was unsure what my relationship with the rest of her family would look like. In the end, our differences were patched up and her family took me in as if I was their own son or brother. When August and I separated, one of the most difficult things was losing her family as well.
I was invited to her parent’s house tonight. I had already made some plans with another friend of mine to grab a drink at the bar, but I asked if I could come see them later in the night after going out with my friend. When I got to her parents house it felt like no time at all had passed. I was shocked by how much of her family was there. They all had kind words and hugs for me. Many of her family had planned on leaving early, but decided to stay later to see me I was told. I was even asked for my address so I could be invited to her cousins wedding in August. I don't know if I have ever been welcomed so quickly and fully into a group of people as her family did and continues to do with me. I sat with August's family pretty late into the night feeling completely at ease and very content. There are moments in your life that will stick with you forever and tonight will rank amongst those memories for me. Tonight I feel very blessed and fortunate.

A letter to August

It seems like whenever my priorities in life get out of order, they are put back into their place very quickly. I found out yesterday after work that my ex wife August committed suicide Sunday night. When I got home from work, I had an email in my box from her sister. When I called she broke the news to me. I'm still trying to work out my feelings about this because I honestly don't know how I should feel. I spent some of the very best and very worst years of my life with August. We laughed, cried, fought, worked, and played along side each other for over five years. At one point in my life I loved her more then anybody on the planet. I didn't go a single day in that period of time without at least speaking with her. I haven't seen August in almost a year and a half now though, and I feel very distant from the whole event. I came to a closure on our relationship a long time ago and this remoteness from a more powerful grief makes me sad. I do feel grief though, and a sadness that I can’t share how her life has led me to where I’m going next. Here is my attempt.

August, you truly were a beautiful person. I have not met many people with a stronger passion for giving in my entire life. You loved to give gifts to people, and were always thinking of others. It was not unusual for me to leave work after a long day and find a card on my driver’s seat from you. That always meant something to me. You were always the first person to jump in and help when people needed it. I will always remember watching you work your tail off in the kitchen with your mom during large family gatherings. I loved watching you August, when the holidays rolled around. I have never been great at giving, but watching your spirit and joy was awesome for me.
Girl, you lived your life caught on the extremes. When you loved somebody it was with your entire being. You fell in love quickly. When you were mad at somebody it was with an equal fire. I have always lived my life in a nice moderate emotional rut, but you showed me how to express emotion with a passion. I have never possessed as much fire, one way or another, as I did with you. When you cared about a project, it got done. You lived life with passion and fire directed in what ever direction you were led. I never really understood how your type A and my laid back personality fit together, but we made it work for a long time.
Looking back, I really learned a lot about myself and relationships from you. I learned what love can look like, and what a relationship can be, both the good and the bad. I will admit that I was not always the perfect husband, but my whole experience showed me how I can be better, and what the perfect relationship for me will look like.
I'm not going to say that I feel guilty for what happened, because I don't. I do know that there were times in my life that I failed you August. I wish that I didn't, but I know that is part of being human. I hope that you forgave me in the end, August. I also hope you know I forgave you.
I took a long walk last night. I didn’t plan it, but the walk too me past a lot of places that hold special memories of you for me. I walked past the apartment we first lived in. I remember the night we were married leaving that apartment, rushing to get away, only to have to turn back a couple of times because we forgot something. I remember being cozy and safe there. I walked by the church we were married in. I remember the relationship you formed with many of the middle school youth. I want you to know that you touched them, and made a difference in their lives. I sat on a wall on the south side of the church and said a long prayer for you August. I prayed for your family and friends as well, that they will find healing. I prayed for forgiveness for me, I know I wasn’t always perfect. I prayed for thanksgiving, because I know you are now with your heavenly father. I also walked by the place that I think was probably the most precious place in the world for you; the place that I think gave you the most joy, and also probably caused you the most pain. I wondered if you visited the same ground I did in the previous day. You taking me there for the first time is probably still the most precious thing anybody has ever done for me. I know I will never forget the emotions I felt that day August.
I know you had a lot of demons in your life, and I wish that you were better able to fight them. I know you did some things in your life that you wished you had never done. I don’t know if you ever forgave yourself for some of them August. Even if you didn’t though, God did. I hope you know that now. I don’t know if you loved yourself the way I saw you love others. God loved you; he still does. August, we came to a lot of pain from our relationship. I really do regret that, but I wanted to let you know that from that pain came my decision to become a pastor. I was hoping to share that with you someday, but I didn’t know how to tell you. I’m telling you now. We were not meant to be together in this life, we were too different. We tried to make something happen that shouldn’t have. We tried and we got burned. I still want you to know that I don’t regret any of it. I don’t regret the fights, or the falling out. I certainly don’t regret loving you the way I did. You will always have a place in my heart August. I would not be the person I am today without you.
I am happy with my life now August. I am excited to live it to the fullest, and go where God will take me. I have met and dated some of the most incredible women, and they have also played roles in my life. I hope that you were able to experience some of that as well.
I think you spent a lot of your life looking to find a peace that was always out of reach girl. I truly hope and believe that you have finally found that peace.
Good bye August, you will be missed.

Impatience.....

I'm reading a great book right now by an author I have enjoyed for a long time, Larry Bond. I am famous for taking great submarine suspense novels and reading them until all hours of the night, and tonight is no different, but it's a good distraction.

I've been remiss in updating this lately because I have been pretty busy between the job, church and social life, but probably the biggest reason is I have felt that I haven't had a lot of things about my life to report to the world lately. I've been in a hurry up and wait mode for a little while now and figured I didn't need to tell the world that. I realized today though that while letting everybody know what is going on in my life is one reason I started this online journal, it wasn't the main reason. I like having the ability to be able to jot down what is going on in my head to help me sort through my thoughts, feelings, emotions ect.... Isn't that what a journal is about in the first place?

I have been feeling very stressed over the last few days. I am normally the most easy going person I know and it works for me. I don't stress too much about things, and they normally work out very well for me in the end. I'm trying to figure out why I'm feeling so nervous about waiting for my financial aid letter from Dubuque then. I am sure that I am being let to ministry, and I feel strongly that my path is meant to run through the Dubuque seminary program. I have been assured that I should have no problem getting the aid I need from the financial aid director at the school. All my paperwork is in, and while some of it may have been turned in a little late, it wasn't really all that late. All this being said, I feel my whole future hanging in the balance of what one little letter will say to me. I don't think I have ever wanted something so bad in my life, and the thought of not being able to attend school is heartbreaking to me. I want to start figuring out when I can move, how much I need to save, where I will be living, when I can quit my job and a hundred other things right now, and I feel that I can't do any of this until I know for sure I have the funding to attend. It's a weird feeling for me to be on the pessimistic and worrisome side of the isle because I don't normally stress about these things. I know that stress will not help me out and that the decision is out of my hands, but can't they let me know now. Patience is a virtue, and I can wait this out, but by the time I'm done I may have gray hair. I don't know how to take it easy and stop worrying about this. I don't know if this is God telling me that I'm not going to get it. That I waited too long and that he wants to teach me a lesson about procrastination. I don't know if I'm just being paranoid and need to relax. I know I'll figure out these stresses pretty soon one way or another, and I feel like a big whiner because I'm stressing, but hey , anybody want to say a quick prayer for me, I would appreciate it.

Conformation

When I first started working at Group Publishing the first thing I noticed was the sense of community that existed within the organization. Joining Group was a lot like joining a family. There were a lot of smiles, laughs and good times there, but like any family life wasn't always perfect. Leaving my job at Group was not a difficult thing, but leaving the family was. I figured that I would move on, but I doubted that I would ever find another home that accepted me as quickly as I felt Group's employees did.
This week I traveled to my first choice of seminary programs at the University of Dubuque. After spending only a couple of days on the campus I feel even more certain that Christ is calling me into a lifetime of ministry, and that Dubuque is where I need to prepare for that life. The acceptance I felt while experiencing chapel services, attending classes, visiting with professors and just chatting with students was unlike anything I have ever felt before. I wasn't even registered with the Seminary, but I already felt like a fellow student on campus. By the time I left I had signed my acceptance letter and wrote a check to reserve my spot for the fall. I still need to finalize my housing and financial aid situations, but I have no doubt that God will provide for me what I need.
From the get go my trip was a very cool experience. I arrived at the Dubuque airport right on time and met the student who was picking me up. We shook hands and then he informed me that he was also dropping somebody off at the airport who he figured I may like to meet. He took me over to a very friendly looking gentleman he introduced as Rick Ufford-Chase, the current moderator of the Presbyterian Church General Assembly. He has served since the 2004 GA and will be replaced in June of this year at the 2006 GA. It was fun being able to take a few minutes to speak with him, call this divine appointment number 1. Upon arriving on the campus I settled into the guest room in the administration building and we headed to dinner at a fun restaurant in town called Bricktown. It was a great meal.
After that I was asked if I wanted to attend a chapel service that evening that was centered around a drama written and performed by some of the students. The service was excellent, and afterward I was able to meet quite a few of the seminary students. At the end of the evening I walked back to my room put on a coat and went to an outdoor rock concert a local band was putting on in the open area outside my building. All in all it was a great first night on campus.
The next morning started off excellent as well. I had a free pass to the coffee shop on campus to grab a muffin and something to drink for breakfast before I attended the chapel service that morning. I was sitting by myself in the coffee shop when a gentleman I recognized from all the literature I have been sent as the president of the university, Jeffery Bullock walked in. He ordered something for breakfast and headed my way commenting that he didn't recognize me, and asked my name. When I mentioned that I was just visiting the campus he sat down with me while he ate his breakfast and chatted with me. He mentioned that he had served a church in Colorado early in his pastoral career and was very encouraging to me. It spoke volumes to me about the kind of atmosphere I would find on this campus to have him take time to sit down unscheduled with me. I called this my divine appointment number 2. The rest of my Wednesday was spent visiting with admissions, financial aid, having lunch with many of the Seminaries Presbyterian students, and auditing a class on the theology of Calvin by my advisor.
After having dinner at a great mexican restaurant in town with another student I just wandered around the campus for a little while ending up in the library. I was recognized by a seminary student who invited me over to chat. I didn't make it back up to my room until about 10:30 that evening.
Thursday was my last day on campus and the morning started out early. I ate breakfast in the school's cafeteria to see what it would be like, and then attended an 8:00 class. Following class I attended my last chapel service. This was a beautiful service put on by several of the first year seminary students with some more contemporary style music and group prayer elements. It was a very cool experience. After chapel I met with the pastor to students at the seminary and another professor.
I met a married student and his wife for lunch where again the president of the university sat with us for lunch. He remembered my name from the previous day, and was chatting with the other students at the table about going trap shooting with them this summer possibly. I finished up my day by going on a housing tour of the Seminary and looking at the townhouses that I'm hoping will be available for me in the Seminary Village near campus. The last meeting I had on campus was with Mark Actemeier my advisor, a member of the Peace, Unity and Purity committee of the church, and a friend to the pastor of my church. We had a great conversation in the coffee shop for about an hour talking about many different things.
I left campus knowing that this is where I belong, and excited at the prospect of joining the student population next year. I know that seminary will be very demanding and difficult, and that it won't always be perfect. It's a lot like my experience at Group, a family that sometimes will struggle, but will also find plenty of time to smile, laugh, and enjoy each other. A place where I know I can grow in faith and find a model for my own future ministry.

A good Good Friday

I have plane tickets to Iowa, and I'm rather upset about that fact at the moment. No I'm not upset that I'm going to visit Dubuque, I'm upset that the price I had to pay for the tickets doubled overnight before I purchased the tickets. I guess that's chalk one up to the whole don't procrastinate rule. Not a happy lesson. I am excited about going to see the University of Dubuque campus though. I should be able to meet with the housing and financial aid offices to help me get squared away for next year. I'm hoping that I will also be able to meet with my faculty advisor while I'm there as well. I also think I will be able to sit in on a class and see what that experience will be like, as well as attend a lunch function for the Presbyterian students on Wednesday. In all I will travel to Dubuque on Tuesday the 24th, and fly back to Denver on Thursday the 27th. A quick happy trip.

So yesterday was Good Friday, and it was a good Friday. Due to some difficult goals my team accomplished during the last quarter, we earned a Friday afternoon off with the company buying drinks for us at the Rio, a popular Mexican Restaurant with the best margaritas in town. I like the people I work with, but I don't think I will ever have any strong connection to any of them. Most of this is probably due to the fact that I'm not letting myself get close to anybody, and I feel I have to be guarded around them, so I don't slip up and let everybody know my plans to quit in a few months. There are other reasons as well though, that I doubt I'll ever get too close. Most of the people on my team are probably close to my age, or younger. I know a few are pretty much straight out of college. I had a fun time just sitting back over drinks and just listening to everybody's conversations, and realized that while my path isn't theirs, it very easily could have been 6 years ago. This is a group of young people who are very good at their job, and I'm becoming very aware of how different this job can be at times. With most professional jobs you work in one industry, but by selling advertising space, we are working in a lot of different businesses across the board. We work with business owners who are plugged into the community every day, and these owners come to know us. In every other job I have had, when you get together with friends after work, inevitably you start to talk about your job and your company. This group doesn't talk about the paper; they talk about what is going on in all the other businesses around town. They talk about what is big news as insiders because they find out from the sources everyday. It's a unique way to be plugged into the community, and to know the people who make a difference in town. Most of my coworkers are able to do it at a young age, when most of their peers are only concerned about what time the local bar closes. I would have loved that opportunity in my younger days, when making money and obtaining status was more important to me.

I skipped church last night as well. Maybe I should have attended a Good Friday service (I never even bothered to check if and when Mountain View had theirs) and I was invited to hear a friend of mine sing in her choir in Fort Collins, but I decided that I wanted some alone time to worship. I went to my absolute favorite church in the world, Rocky Mountain National Park. I have always loved driving there at night after the park closes and just finding a place off the road to pull over and watch the stars as I lay on the hood of my car. I was able to roll down the windows of my car and listen to the wind gently blow, and enjoy the silence of the park after dark as I read my Bible. Can you imagine a quiet night about 2000 years ago as Jesus prayed in the garden? The quiet that was broken by a legion of soldiers coming to arrest him to set forth in motion the most amazing thing ever to happen in history. That would have been Thursday night. Can you then imagine the quiet of Friday night, as the friends and family of Jesus had to come to grips with what had happened in only 24 hours? What would it have been like to be there 2000 years ago?

A little bit of vanity

"Give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair."

I'm feeling a little vain today, but I'm enjoying it. As far back as I can remember I've kept my hair pretty short. I have always wanted to look professional, and I didn't want taking care of my hair to be a difficult chore. Call it laziness, call it not being adventurous, or just call it not thinking about it; whatever it was I kept it short. I've noticed a pattern forming in my life lately. Every time my life takes a dramatic shift I try to do something to reinvent myself. When I got divorced I decided that I wanted to change my living space. I started paying attention to shows such at trading spaces, and appreciating art and furniture more (which was easy since I worked in a furniture store). I threw away all of my towels, bed covers, dishes ect... and purchased new ones. I even bought some decorating books. That fad faded a bit, but then I moved back to Colorado. While I was in the process of moving I had my girlfriend at the time go through my entire closet with me. A great deal of my clothing at the time didn’t fit, had holes in it, or was just plain out of style. We threw away over half my wardrobe. We went shopping and bought a lot of new clothes that were in style making me look good, as well as feel good. I'm still not a fashion master, but I do look a lot better these days, and I have kept a pledge I made at the time to always take a friend of the opposite sex clothes shopping with me. In November, when I lost my job and made the choice to go to school, I decided to see what I would look like with longer hair. I figured I wouldn't need to worry about looking so professional while I was in school; so what the heck! Since October I have visited Super Cuts only once for a small trim, and it's amazing the results I have seen. I have received all kinds of compliments from people saying they like me with the longer hair. I now understand why women like to be complimented on their appearance. It feels good, and makes people feel good about themselves. I have enjoyed the attention I’ve received about longer hair, and I'm looking forward to growing it even more. I like the look, and it's something different for me.

My choice

So I am finally at peace now. I have made my decision for school, and I really do feel good about it. The choice eventually just boiled down to my realization that I always felt the need to defend my attending Austin, while I never felt the need to defend Dubuque. I'm disappointed that I won't be in Austin with my family who mean a great deal to me, but in the end I had to go to the place where I felt I was being called. Now I'm moving on to focusing more on financial aid, and traveling to Iowa to see the campus and check out some classes. I also get to start thinking about housing and things like that. My lease runs out in June, and I also need to figure out what I'm going to do for living the rest of this summer. I wouldn't mind if I can go month to month for the rest of the summer, but I also wouldn't mind the offer to live with some friends rent free for the summer. It would be nice to save some money. I guess its one thing at a time. Well, I want to thank everybody who has said prayers for me over the past few weeks. Please keep praying for me, I can use all I get, and I love ya all.

Wine Night

I was in a car accident today. I was driving home from work at about 5:45 today, talking to my friend James on my cell phone. I stopped before an intersection at a green light, because the traffic was backed up a block and to proceed forward would stop me in the middle of the intersection. The next thing I knew I heard a loud bang, and experienced a strong jolt as I cried out in a bit of surprise. I guess I took the lady driving behind me by a bit of surprise when I stopped, as she had slammed into the back of me. Granted she took me by a bit of surprise too. I found the cell phone I had been talking on in the back seat a couple of minutes later. I think James was a little worried when our conversation was cut off so abruptly. Not to worry, nobody was injured, and while her car was crumpled up pretty well, my car only has cosmetic damage from all I can tell. The police department just told me to go into a station tomorrow and report the accident, so it really wasn't a huge deal. Good things can come out of bad things though.

I have lived with my step sister for almost a year now. We didn't grow up together like most siblings would because we were both pretty much grown up by the time our parents married. She is pretty reserved most of the time, and we don't spend a lot of time together for the most part. We have started on little event though, that I have become very thankful for, and will probably never forget. This event has probably happened four of five times in the year, and has become known as "Wine Night."

I was feeling a little sorry for myself after my car accident, so I stopped by the liquor store on the way home to grab a bottle of wine and a 12 pack of beer (I blame the Corona drinker I was chatting with last night for that). Wine night basically has always started with one of us buying a bottle of wine and offering the other a glass of whatever we have purchased. It inevitably ends about four or five hours later when the bottle of wine is empty. Tonight became Wine Night.

The beauty of Wine Night is that I have gotten to know my sister a lot better in a short period of time. It's a time when we can talk about what is going on in our lives. We can talk about jobs, relationships, religion, music, politics and some other topics we won't mention because of certain readers and a wine night pact.........

Missy and I are very different people and have different view of life. We have a great respect for each other though, and our conversations have been some of the best I have ever been in. I have always said that every guy should have a female friend whom he can learn from and vice versa. This relationship has pretty much formed with Missy and me over our bottle of wine, and I have learned a lot about her, the female sex, and myself these nights. One of the questions I posed to her tonight asked "Name a night that was soo perfect in your life, that you will never forget it." To tell the truth, our Wine Nights are some of those nights for me. It's amazing how I had a car accident tonight, but the reason I will probably never forget today has nothing to do with that!